I miss having someone

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I was married but left my husband, because i feel he can't support me and my son, and that he adds to my stress. I can't raise both him and my son. I need a man whom i can rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes, knowing that he loves and and can protect me from anything. For 5 years now i am alone. I used to say - being alone doesn't mean being lonely. I liked taking in control on my life, without someone dragging me down. Ever since i left him, i got a good job, renewed my relationship with my siblings and parents, my son gets the education and the things he need. I don't go out socializing to meet someone, because technically i'm still married. And i can never picture myself with another man, except for fictional characters. All i do is work, take care of my kid and when i get free time i watch dvds or go online. These 2 things i like doing the most keeps me busy, but also shows me how much my like sucks. I like watching romantic comedies. But everytime i watch it, i always wish i'd have my own Edward Cullen :) Or if i go online and browse my friends facebook photos, i'd see how much more the others got so lucky in life. A nice house, a good provider not to mention good looking husband, travels, several kids (i have 1 son who'll be a teenager next year, and i was dying to have a baby girl for over a decade now) I just watched watching The curious case of benjamin button. I missed cuddling in bed and watching a movie with someone. Then i thought of my husband, we liked watching movies together. I thought momentarily of getting back together, but then Im going to have a heart attack from all the stress i'll be getting from him. See he can't hold a job for so long, he wants to have his own business. I told him before i left him that bills won't wait for him to get a job, that our son won't stop growing and that expenses would keep piling if he can't get his act together. Then i left him, he struggled to get a job as a book salesman. I supported that, even helped him sell. But he wasnt earning enough to support himself. Then he went to his province to get into a fishing business with his parents. He was finally getting what he wanted, his own business. But its been 3 years now, and he's still broke. He sometimes sends me money coming from a loan. But he asks me for money more often than he sends one. I dont want to sound selfish. I know im supposed to support him. I did, but nothings happening. I dont want to be dragged down by his wrong decisions. I got my son to raise. I dont usually see my glass as half empty. But sometimes (like now) i see my glass as empty and shattered. But i'll get over it.