What would you do if your friend/family was in a bad situation?
By clamarco808
@clamarco808 (312)
United States
March 20, 2010 6:10pm CST
My cousin is with a guy who is really not the best person in the world. He's cheated on her, hit her, been really mean to her but everytime she tries to end the relationship, he goes crazy. He tells her that he's going to kill himself or whatever else he can think of. We all know that she can do way better but she still thinks that things will change. They have kids so it's even more messed up. I told her that she shouldn't stay with him just for the kids and that she just needs to move on without him cause he's not worth it. They kinda broke up for a week but now I see that they are trying to work things out. Any other suggestions?
1 person likes this
8 responses
@Margajoe (4746)
• Germany
21 Mar 10
Stay out of it.
When she wants to talk, let her talk. But don't tell her what to do.
Ask her questions.
"What do you want to do now?"
"How do you see your future?" "Is this how you want to live your life?"
"Do you think you can change things?" ect...
This way she has to think for herself. You telling her what to do will only make it worse.
She will wake up when the time is right.
Or maybe she will learn how to control him. Some people walk over people when they are to nice and loving. Maybe when she learns how to be hard and tough, he will change. But that is up to them.
Good luck.
@clamarco808 (312)
• United States
21 Mar 10
Thanks. I think she is beginning to wake up. A couple of yrs ago she wouldn't even think of getting him out of her life but now I think she is starting to see that she can make it somehow without him. Thing is she just keeps going back. I have told her that I was in a few relationships that were like hers and that I ended up wasting quite a long time in those relationships so I didn't want to see her doing the same. I will try to reinforce her decisions so hopefully she won't go back to him. Thanks again for your suggestions.
1 person likes this
@Margajoe (4746)
• Germany
21 Mar 10
Your welcome.
I myself was there once as well. Married for 9 years with two children.
He made me feel like I was helpless without him. He would take the children from me if I would leave him. He threatend me with that. Though he did not fisically hurt me, he brainwashed me instead. Took away the little self esteem I had.
I thought I could not make it without him.
But after the 9 years, I just woke up. I had been baptized in a bapitist church. A month later, I had found the strength to leave. Something the church did not understand, they threw me out of the church because I left my husband. But within 6 months I gained 10 kilo's and finally felt good. I was not sick anymore and was looking better than ever. So you see, you just need to wake up. All of a sudden I stood infront of him and said:"NO MORE". He wanted to hit me in the face and I told him to go ahead. He stopt. I was not afraid of him anymore. He started to cry and I felt nothing , absolutly nothing. As if I had turned into stone. I just did not care anymore. I was leaving and that was it. When the time comes , she will have the strength to do the same.
@jugsjugs (12967)
•
21 Mar 10
I think that there are alot of people out there that say they will kill them self if the other person leaves them aswell as say they are sorry if they have hit their partner.It is safer for a person to leave than stay as you never know what a person is really capeable of doing when they do get right out of control.Your friend must ask herself that if the children ever upset him will he hit them out of anger aswell as do she think that the children have not realised what has been going on.
@clamarco808 (312)
• United States
21 Mar 10
Thanks for responding. I actually think that he's hit at least one of the kids out of anger. Having been in abusive relationships & now working for an agency that deals with domestic violence issues, it's really hard to watch this happening. Thanks again.
@1anurag1 (3576)
• India
21 Mar 10
i think there is a need of proper consideration of the situation and circumstances. in my view there are number of things that must be kept in mind before taking any decision. she should be able to take care of the children if he is not with him. and the most important thing before all these things she should try to know the reason behind his behvior, if possible she should try to sort out the problem behind this. because i think breaking a relation is easy but the result is never good of these things.
@kaylachan (69826)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
21 Mar 10
If they can work things out it would be better for those kids. Since they have childeren togeather they need to work something out between them. When its just them, it doesn't matter, but now with children involved that's a whole nother story.
A decision is going to have to be reached to put the best interest of the children first. Otherwise courts would get involved and that's not something any child should be put through. If he's that abusive, then he needs to seak medical and mentel treatment. The more settled out of court the better.
A lot of people think 'you shouldn't stick around because of the kids' but that isn't always true. The kids should come first always. If it means seperating for a while until proper help can be established,, then that's what should be done. But, she needs to start thinking about those kids. If she continues... will she be around for them. But, how to exit the situation without the feeling of complete abadonment as well.
I hope they can reach a civil agreement.
@clamarco808 (312)
• United States
21 Mar 10
Thanks. I agree that they need to reach some kind of civil arrangement for the sake of the kids. He definitely needs help since he's bipolar and won't take his medication. Thanks for the suggestions.
@umit_umit (1984)
• India
21 Mar 10
well dear this is avery critical situation,i have my cousin sister who is n same kind of trouble,he hit her after drinking!well then a laywer adviced to go to women cell on being harrased!she has two kids!now she has told him that i will go to women cell herself!then he is now some cool and patienceful!my friend is in politics and she made haer husband to meet him one day!and then he realized that we also have powerful influantial people!some what now its ok!Thank GOD!why dont you try this mode!well in our case it has worked!i dont know it will work for you people or not!Good luck!
@ramp123 (191)
• India
21 Mar 10
She should move on for sure. Obviously, she really loves him despite everything, but sooner or later, she will have to make a choice. This cannot last the way it is for sure. She should move out or away with the kids, maybe back to her parents for a while, and work on making a career for herself.
@Mike4me (567)
• Philippines
21 Mar 10
hello there,
i say you should stay out of it. You can be there for her but don't tell her what to do. Just be a cousin to her, a friend to lean on and a shoulder to cry on. It's her life and she will be the only one to fix it. It's her life to live so she's the only want to decide. Just give her advice but never to tell her what to do.
@apoljuice1 (730)
• Philippines
21 Mar 10
Be with your cousin at this time. She very vulnerable right now, and she's making decisions with the subconscious feeling that they only have themselves to solve the problem. It's good that if she can figure this out on her own and make the decisions based on what's happening and realize the consequences on her family. She will need the extra support to help her realize that she's not alone if ever she decides to leave this man who's not doing any good for their family. It's not healthy for the children to have to experience something like this, this can traumatize them. It's only natural, if not logical that you want to save your cousin. There's no need to affect much of her decision making because that will all come from her innately after she realizes what's happening just like right now when they're broken up. So just be there for her.
