The tension between my mother and I is making me nuts and now I feel guilty!!!
By BethTN81
@BethTN81 (564)
United States
March 25, 2010 10:05pm CST
This discussion is basically for me to rant and whine, and I do not kep a diary so this is me "writing" my words down.
My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago. When I found this out I moved in with her to help care for her. Of course cancer takes a toll on not only the patient but the ones closest to her. She is also totally blind, and this past October the doctors found cancer in her other breast. After her first battle with cancer they found bone cancer and amazingly she have overcome all these illnesses.
Lately she has been rather irritable and we have argued alot. I cannot do anything right, and I am now the "bad" daughter. Now of course keep in mind I have moved in with her. I help take care of her, cook, clean and run errands for her. She calls me worthless and useless. I am now a "bad mother" according to her(I have an 8 year old son) and she always contradicts me on how I raise him. I am a single mother who works multiple jobs and(here comes the pity party, sorry) I have alot on me. I have had counselors tell me that nromally people who are sick take things out on the person closest to them which is obviusly me, but it is really going too far! I cannot communicate with her and anything I do is wrong.
I have recently began dating a man who has a stable job, no baggage, and is really good to me and my son. I am about to be 29, never married and would like to marry and have another baby some day. She now seems to be threatened by him and now people are telling me that I am being selfish to want to date. I try me best to manage my time the best way I can but still, nothing seems to be good enough. I am about to lose it! Am I being selfish for wanting to have a life of my own or is my mother using her illness as a crutch? I know I will get many different answers from people. Some nice and some not so nice but one thing I have learned is sometimes the best advice comes from people who do not know both parties and cannot be partial.
Should I continue to put my life on hold or should I put my foot down? Not only is this taking a toll on me but it is taking a toll on my child as well, and THAT is where I start having issues.
2 people like this
6 responses
@researchconsult (37)
• Philippines
26 Mar 10
I had a similar situation with my mom when I was about your age. But thank God, He has completely healed my relationship with my mom. The healing would really start from your self as you open yourself up for a renewing of your mind. I feel that you really love your mom and that's why you feel and care for her despite your frustrations and your pain. Not to sound to sentimental, but I think the cancer is changing your mom, you can ask the doctor about this and I know some friends who underwent tremendous personality change because of cancer. The only way to go about it is to pray for her and for you. God will direct your life if you allow Him to. Since you have a kid, it will be wise not to show any hostility towards your mother. He will surely remember that when he grows up. I still remember my grandmother who treated her mother badly and I grew up hating my grandmother because of what I saw. Show kindness, love and respect as much as you can. Only good things can give birth to better things in your life. Don't allow more pain and anger to control you and your relationship with you mom and son because it will never bring out any good. My two cents, dear. I hope it helps.
God Bless your family.
@BethTN81 (564)
• United States
26 Mar 10
Thank you so much for your response. That really helps. Her personality has changed alot too. Strange what cancer can do to a person huh? It is like living with a total stranger at times. I hope I can be as strong as you are. Hopefully it will all work out.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
8 Apr 10
Beth are you sure that the bone cancer is cured as that rarely happens usually the cancer whenit hits the bone is throughout the body so maybe your mother is surly because she is hiding the truth, if she thinks or knows her time is limited she may be scared sick, and I think you should see her doctor and have a talk with him without mom present. honey it could be she is not cured and you are young yet and have to get on with your life, you are not being selfish to wantto get married, this cannot hurt your mom surely you have to think of your child too, are there over relatives that can also help lend a hand so you do not have to care for mom all by yourself. thats so sad the way she treats you, maybe she has also brain cancer as she does act like it, see her doctor and also see if you can get some help from others so it does not all fall on your shoulder,you are going to have to go on with your life, she just may not live through all this.
@mariposaman (2959)
• Canada
26 Mar 10
I would give you a hug if I could, it sounds like you need it.
I would not want to be in your situation. Is it possible if you can afford it to get in some help, you need a break. Yes you need your own life but I cannot counsel abandoning your mother either, in spite of her being so mean. Quite frankly I would tell her when she is being hurtful, but that is just me. It sounds like your mother is angry at being ill and being old and taking it out on you.
Unfortunately I have little wise counsel to offer, I do hope things work out.
1 person likes this
@CRIVAS (1815)
• Canada
26 Mar 10
Personally I don't think that you are being selfish at all. You are only 29 and you are taking care of not only your little boy, but your mother as well. I know that it is hard but i am sure that she is just being this way because of the illness. I think that you have every right to want to have a life and there is nothing wrong with you wanting to be in a relationship. I think that you have done more than your fair share, and I think that you deserve a little you time. I have to ask if there are other siblings that might be willing to share some of the work, I know that it can be very difficult on your own with a child and I think that you also need to take care of yourself. I am sure that things will work out, just remember that all of us here on mylot are here to listen. Good luck and happy mylotting.
@jd107nette (1454)
• Philippines
26 Mar 10
You're right, they usually do that to their closest ones, because they believe that no matter what they do, THEY WON'T GIVE UP ON HER...THEY WON'T LEAVE...
...When my father was diagnosed with cancer, we did all we could for him... we served him in all ways... But anything and everything we do, he was never satisfied. He called us lunatic, lazy, brainless and stupid, name it...
There were times i really had enough but I never told him that, instead i would just hide in the bathroom and cry... I told myself over and over that he didn't mean it... He might just be feeling a little depressed... Who wouldn't right?
One time, i was so tired and feeling so unappreciated and unloved, i served my dad dinner and he said he does not want to eat. I told him he needs to eat. He said, "why don't you eat for me?"... I got really pissed and walked out of their room.. the next day, my mother told me that after i left, papa said "that's one down, now, why don't you follow your daughter and leave me here"
I was so immature and childish not to notice... he was being mean on purpose... to drive us away... so that when he pass, it wouldn't be too hard on us... even at the end, he was still thinking of us....
your mom is still alive... she might be really nasty sometimes, but you know, if i'd be given a choice, to withstand my father's meanness or to bear the reality now that he's gone, I would still take the first one...
