Communication or acceptance - is key?
By SViswan
@SViswan (12051)
India
April 1, 2010 3:05am CST
As part of my psychology course, I have to study relationships. I always thought that any relationship could be made better with open communication - till I came across this case which I had to read about.
This is the case of a couple where their qualities were not clashing with each other but would actually complement or complete each other. As individuals, people loved them and assumed they were great together. On the outside, they didn't seem to be having any problems. But inside, it wasn't a great marriage as everyone thought. Their opinions on issues clashed and neither one was willing to give in or one person was expected to give in everytime. This led to resentment on both sides. They went to a cousellor after 8 years of constant arguing and fighting (where sometimes it got physically and verbally abusive). The counsellor advised them to start communicating more, opening up to each other and their needs. Neither one was willing to accept the other as they were and minor faults were blown out of proportion. this led to further accusations on both sides. 'Opening up' made them vulnerable to fresh attacks from the other.
This got me wondering - which is more important in a relationship - communication or acceptance?
1 person likes this
15 responses
@Aussies2007 (5336)
• Australia
1 Apr 10
Acceptance is the key.
You fall in love with someone for who they are.
Then you get married, and you want to change them into who you are.
Some people are submissive and will let their spouse change them.
But those who are not submissive will refuse to change.
So before you get married, don't think, "he or she is not perfect, but I can change them into being perfect".
Even if you marry a submissive person, chances are that after living with him or her for a decade or two, you will get tired of that person because there is no challenge, and you will start to look to have an affair to add a bit of spice to your life.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
1 Apr 10
Hmm...I'm just trying to digest what you've written. I'm sorry..I'm a bit slow and daft sometimes.
Most of the couples I've met are not trying to make the other perfect...they are just trying to make themselves heard. In this particular case that I have mentioned in the post....hmmm...from most of the incidents from the man's part does sound like he wants to make the wife perfect. But he isn't perfect either. One incident that they both were complaining about I found it to be interesting. The husband reunited with his high school friends a few months back and is on the computer chatting with them all the time. The wife didn't seem to mind that so much except for the fact that he wouldn't let her do it when she would chat with her friends once in a while. Her point was if he thinks it's okay to chat all day every single day, why can't she chat once in a month or two? She wasn't against her husband chatting with friends everyday but she was against his attitude of her wanting to do the same thing. Is it possible for a person to stop someone from doing the same thing they are enjoying...especially when it's the life partner? I actually wondered if this case was a made up one..lol
@Aussies2007 (5336)
• Australia
1 Apr 10
Well, that is something else.
Her husband is controlling her because he wants her all for himself and don't want her to have any friend.
Controlling is associated with jealousy.
There are a lot of men like that, and it is a dangerous and volatile situation.
Jealous men often turn to physical violence to control their wife or girlfriend.
@sarafii74 (106)
• Australia
1 Apr 10
Hmmm, I kind of agree with what u said. After post my comment, I realized that I am not a marry person so that I didn't think to far like u do.
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
2 Apr 10
I think acceptance is definitely important, but I believe communication is still more important in a relationship. My husband and I have always communicated about everything for the past six or so years we've been together. It's important for us to be accepting of one another and all that comes with it, but we would've never known what to expect if we hadn't communicated. My brother and sister-in-law got married a year ago next month, and they still don't know that much about each other. They had a long-distance relationship the majority of their dating life so when they got married and started living together, they had a lot of adjustments to make. It's not to say they didn't communicate and weren't accepting of one another, but they couldn't communicate on the level of a couple who does not have that long distance. For what it's worth, I think communication is key. Thanks so much for posting such a wonderful discussion. Keep up the good work, friend.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
2 Apr 10
Thank you, JJ. It's nice to see you in a discussion of mine.
Like you, I always thought communication was the most important thing in a relationship (despite my study in Psychology..lol). But I've been looking at things in a different light lately. After reading this particular case, I've also been looking around me at other relationships. Friends of mine who have open communication (unlike most Indian couples where it is not encouraged) are still arguing and fighting. I had my own opinions about it earlier...but when I looked at it from a different perspective, I realized that one of them was finding it hard to 'accept' that the other in a different setting. Who they were was fine when they were in the US but it wasn't working when they moved to India. They are still open with their communication and telling each other their needs (they've been doing it for more than a decade, so, I guess that's not a problem) but if one of them is not ready to understand and 'accept' the other's opinions (irrespective of whether it is put into action or not), problems start.
I'm in the process of learning more about this..so I'm not an authority...just putting my thoughts across based on what I am learning.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
2 Apr 10
This is definitely a very interesting subject! I appreciate you sharing all of this with me. I think it would be so neat to study psychology. I've always wanted to take some courses similar to what you're studying now. It really does help you to see things from a different viewpoint. I tend to agree with you that a couple can communicate, but it means nothing if they aren't accepting of one another's ideas. I brought up a subject to my husband yesterday and was a little hesitant because I knew I could tell him about it all I wanted and explain my point into the ground, but if he didn't accept what I was telling him we'd be back to square one. Thankfully, he did see things from my perspective, but that's not always the case. Then there's also the fact that everyone wants to be accepted, more in a group setting, of course. That's how friendships and relationships begin in the first place. Thank you so much for the opportunity to discuss this subject. It's great to be back in touch with you, my friend!
@SViswan (12051)
• India
2 Apr 10
It is great to discuss with you, JJ (especially about relationships). I'm don't plan to specialize in Counselling...it's part of my course. I wish to specialize in Child Psychology and learning styles...especially with my background of handling children. But it's also interesting looking at relationships differently as part of my course. It gave me scope to think about many things which I had not thought of earlier.
@frontvisions101 (16043)
• Philippines
1 Apr 10
For me it's communication cuz if we communicate with each other we'll know where we should adjust. I'm talking about open communication, not just simple "how are you?" type. If there is a clean and decent communication among couples i'd say they'd understand more about each other. Communication, for me, is the key to a better relationship. Counseling is a form of communication if you think about it. It only means that there's a gap between the couple that's why they need someone to clear that gap.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
1 Apr 10
Yes, that's what I thought too. But in this case, even openly talking about how they feel wasn't helping because the other was not willing to accept it. The woman says she needs 8 hours of rest each night or she can't function. The man thinks she is making excuses for not putting the kids to bed. Woman says she doesn't mind putting the kids to bed before she goes to bed as long as they have a proper mealtime that he should help her enforce. He feels it's her headache. And there starts the next fight.
lol..they are communicating...but it clearly isn't working.
@frontvisions101 (16043)
• Philippines
1 Apr 10
what are the reasons why the father doesn't help on the preparation of the meals?
@besthope44 (12123)
• India
1 Apr 10
Well, i go to acceptance , next is communication. First in any relation, its compared to the 5 fingures, on one is same or more alike in all their thoughts and feelings. So even perfect partner may differ in any few thoughts, so first accept that differences can be accepted and when it shows more hinderance, next is to talk open up and finding a solution.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
1 Apr 10
Hmm...that sounds interesting. I always thought that people's differences would be cleared away with open communication...normal people atleast. Especially partners who were more or less similar in their general outlloks, I felt communication would come easier. But I can understand what you say...unless there is acceptance, no amount of communication would help because they aren't willing to see the other's point of view, right?
@SViswan (12051)
• India
2 Apr 10
Thanks again moonbutters. Though I do plan to major in Psychology, I feel my interest lies more in Child Psychology and the different learning styles. I need to study all aspects of Psychology as parts of the course. Most of my classmates plan to take up Counselling and so we do discuss relationships a lot.
lol...I find it hard to handle my own relationship, I'd find it hard to help others.
@khalida (1126)
• India
1 Apr 10
well i think that in a relationship, the small things that one doesn't like about their partner must be made fun of rather than taken seriously! eg. if this guy always keeps his wet towel on the bed, the girl can say that "oh its my part time job to do this work of his" if she thinks another way she would say "you think i am your servant to keep doing your chore!! ??? " this is acceptance which is very important as everyone has some flaw or the other!
if the girl cant take the entire thing positively, she can communicate with her husband and express that she feels highly irritated and it spoils her mood to see the bed wet! the husband would feel obliged to listen to her as she doesn't show any attitude while saying this and is patient! by doing this, either her husband will change or she will feel she has to make it a habit to move the towel from the bed! :)
so its the small things that lead to big fights and ego clashes and misunderstandings! so both acceptance and communication is important!! :)
@SViswan (12051)
• India
2 Apr 10
The point of this discussion is that openly telling doesn't always work. For example, the case you said, if the husband doesn't care either way about the towel, he might in turn even be angry that the woman is even mentioning it. It might become a habit for the woman....but after a point when other responsibilities increase she might resent it and might or might not be in a position to communicate it at that point of time.
@khalida (1126)
• India
2 Apr 10
that is why communication is important right?? no matter how many responsibilities one has, they should have some quality time to spend with each other for the relationship to be stable!
but its very hard for someone to change their habits after a span of 20 yrs of doing so and then getting into a relationship! in that case acceptance is the key! if u just love and admire your partner with the flaws in them then there is no better deal!
what i am saying is, communication or acceptance depends from relationship to relationship :)
@khalida (1126)
• India
2 Apr 10
communication or acceptance depends from relationship to relationship but the upper hand is of course something that is lacking, either acceptance or communication! just imagine if one has acceptance but does not communicate well then their needs are untold! other case if they communicate well but don't accept each other's views or opinions or habits then what's the use of communication!?? think both go hand in hand! :) ( i am really liking this discussion! )
@chiyosan (30184)
• Philippines
2 Apr 10
Well, yes. i do agree on these 2. All things when done in a calm manner can be cleared out - when you communicate with the person all the time, you will be more comfortable, you will be able to sort things out. when you find time to talk to each other and hear each other out... you will find that, that is surely the best way to end all issues between each other. I think there are more than enough good benefits of having no communication gap. cause, the moment you start having doubts sharing your thoughts with your partner.. . you will most defintely have lesser time talking with each other, and that is where some problems will arise.
When it comes to acceptance, it also plays a big part. you will need to fully accept the person you are with. You need yourself to change. you canot change anybody else- except yourself and that means you will have to learn how to accept that you cannot change the person and you cannot make him become what he/she is not.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
4 Apr 10
I think both are as important. The problem with that couple is that they never Really communicated before they hooked up. Because if they did, then they would have seen that neither one of them is going to change and just Accepted it. But to think you are the only correct person and expecting the other to change Does not work.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
5 Apr 10
Sometimes it is not about getting the other person to change...but just putting across who they really are and not being accepted. There arises no question of changing...but there is an unsaid attitude of your opinion or who you really are doesn't count.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
5 Apr 10
Oh. It sounds like my vision of marriage. It is the "I don't care what you do." It Doesn't matter how many times you try to tell the other person they aren't listening to you. I only need to feel that I am not being heard Once and I stop trying. So If I were this type of person he would assume I agree with him because I wouldn't say Anything to him.
@sarafii74 (106)
• Australia
1 Apr 10
Communication.No doubt about it. Just a simple example of myself. I've got into a relationship with a boy who is from other nationality of mine, we had countless conflict in the begining 'n we thought about end it up several times but we survied from this relationship and it's been more than one year now. Cuz we never give up 'n keep on communicating with each other. After everything's getting better, I was wondering if I get a boy from my own culture 'n we speak the same langage but we couldn't understand or accept each other, it means nothing! I am so appriciate this relationship now. Thank god we communicate very well and understand 'n accept each other as well.
@advokatku (4033)
• Indonesia
1 Apr 10
certainly the most important thing is communication. Communication is what I mean here is to also include the efforts of each party to accept opinions from other parties
@SViswan (12051)
• India
1 Apr 10
Yes, that's what I thought. But in this case, when the partners started openly communicating, each partner started picking on their negatives. The expectations of one spouse was that the other be at the beck and call of the first partner. Trying to communicate how one partner felt when the other person yelled just led to more fights on how the other was making mountains out of molehills.
@verptc (246)
• Philippines
1 Apr 10
Communication first in order to resolve any misunderstanding on both side.Without open dialogue from both partner never good results will occur. It must be a two way street of both having to judge them according to factual data.Then both sides must agree to whatever things decided upon.By then resolution has to take place.
@jiraiyasanin (642)
• Philippines
2 Apr 10
i think both is important in a relationship. lets just say you communicate with your partner frequently but you dont accept his/her idea then it's no use it will only lead both of them to a fight until they will come across a personal issues that may lead to annulment, having a good communication and acceptance to the difference of the other can strengthen the relationship they have.
@ivymariejeruta (39)
•
6 Apr 10
it should be a balance of both. i am speaking with experience. my husband is a totally different person. I am a totally different person too. I have my own personality and he has also his own set of values. From the time we enter into a relationship, we have communicated our individuality to each other. From there, we bow to accept each other. Thus, acceptance and communication go well together. We have to communicate first and then accept what was communicated.
Love and respect are the key elements why couples are willing to communicate and to accept. From love, comes understanding, generosity, trust and humility. We have to be generous to our partners. As they say, we have to be hospitable to each other, making each other feel good everyday. Sense of responsibility simply follows if we invest in trust.
Communication and Acceptance is very difficult though, if LOVE is rare. Everything happens in the presence of LOVE.
