my mother wants to parent my child
By caydensmom
@caydensmom (149)
United States
April 11, 2010 9:20pm CST
ok im 21 living with my mom. and my son is 7 months old as of today (4/11). and my mom gets mad when i do things the way i want to when it comes to parenting, she raised one boy. and he is always stealing,lieing, doing drugs and drinking and hes only 16. so no way am i going to let her parent my son. when he does things like pulls my hair ill tap his hand and say no or bad. but she gets mad when i tap his hand. do any of u have situations like that? where ur mother steps in and trys to do ur job? and how do u handle it?
2 people like this
9 responses
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
13 Apr 10
Hi Caydensmom,
I understand what you are going thru. I was 21 when I had my first daughter. My mom tried like crazy to take over. It didn't work but mainly because I was on my own and not living in her house. As long as you are living under her roof she has that power over you. Not saying that it is right but it's there. If I were you, I would save to be on my own. Have you put your name on lists for housing? They rent you apartments based on your income. I briefly lived with my mom while going thru a divorce and until I found my own place. It was a great help but at the same time she treated me as if I was 17 all over again.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
13 Apr 10
There is not rules on that and you are 100% right. YOU are the parent and NOT your mom. The problem is that she can use the fact that you are living with her as control. She does have leverage here whether she uses it or not. Does your mom back off when you remind her that you are the parent?
@caydensmom (149)
• United States
13 Apr 10
i understand that i have to follow her rules, however i am my sons parent not her. even tho i am living with her that doesnt giver her rights to parent my son. she is his grandmother that is it. i never seen anywhere where it said if a daughter lives with her mom that the daughters child is automatically the granparents.
@cupkitties (7421)
• United States
12 Apr 10
I don't have the same problem of them necessarily doing the parenting but trying to boss me around about how I should parent. Like I let my girls stay up later on the weekends and watch movies. My mom had a btch fest about it. As for punishment for some reason parents of the older generation can't seem to get past the spank menatlity. I find my way of discipline to be much more effective but since it doesn't involve a hand/belt and a sore behind, I'm doing something wrong in their eyes. How do I handle it? Ask mom to kindly stuff pop a cork in it and keep doing what you're doing. You'll learn as you go.
@Celanith (2327)
• United States
12 Apr 10
What kind of discipline do you do with your children and is it working and effective. I know each child has different things that work. But there are times a spanking is the only thing that does work.
And many of us go on this because the bible says to not spare the rod but to use it on the back side. That is from God and his word, his authority his instruction book, his bible so that is why many grandparents believe as they do.
But many go beyond spanking to beating and that is wrong entirely and spankings should ONLY be done in something dangerous to the child or others as a last resort. And never in anger if it comes to this.
If your discipline is working and effective and gets good results then your doing nothing wrong at all spanking is not the only type of discipline by any means and the bible showed that as well.
@cupkitties (7421)
• United States
12 Apr 10
I use the "take away their fun" method and it does work very well. In the past I used to pop them on their butts and they would pout and cry but then go right back to doing what they got punished for. Also not just taking away their fun but sometimes you have to talk with them. Sometimes you might run across an issue with your child that there is no punishment not even spanking will work and the only thing you can do is speak to them about it and find out the source of it. A lot of parents think a simple "Because I'm your parent and I said so" works and it really doesn't. They need to understand exactly why something they did was wrong. Put them in the other persons shoes.
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
12 Apr 10
No I have never been in a Situation like that
I was married when I had both mine so I did not live with my Mum but when I used to visit sometimes my Mum would try and rectify me but I would tell her no, they are my Children and I shall bring them up my way
Both Children are grown now, wonderful and hard working I could not ask for better
You need to tell your Mum to Butt out Sweet, because your Son as he gets older will get confused and also disrespect you as your Mum is butting in and doing this in front of the Child
You have to put your Foot with her
My Ex Husband was more out then in with his Family My Children and I have a very close relationship because I did not let People butt in and tell me how to raise them or let People rectify me
I hope you will be able to get your Mum to back of
@syankee525 (6261)
• United States
12 Apr 10
well first of all i wouldnt blame mom how your brother turned out if he does all that. but as a grandfather myself its normal for her to do that just because she is a grandma. so i would listen to her if she did a good job raising you.
us parents who are grandparnets that is our job, my mother in law was pretty much the sameway as was my mom.
just let her in enjoy it, and plus she have more years experance then you do
@MAllen400 (829)
•
14 Apr 10
oh gosh I can see this from both sides. I too had my daughter and Grand daughter living with me.
Firstly I think you should let your mum know that a lot of things have changed since she gave birth and had babies and to tell her there is a saying "Mum knows best" that is you the mum not her.
She is only trying to help and could be afraid that a tap on the hand could lead to a harder smack. Sometimes a strong No is enough.
Please when you are both calm ask her to sit down with you for a chat and tell her you love her and she did a great job bringing you up but it is your turn now to raise your child as you and you alone see fit and yes you will make mistakes but you will learn by them. Tell her your child wants a Grand mother not another Mum as she has you.
My daughter and I had a chat about our roles and it worked out great.
@Beautyfactor (1512)
•
14 Apr 10
The problem here is that you are living with your mother, but she does have to respect the fact that you are your childs parent. It will only confuse your child if he is being given conflicting messages from the both of you.
It's probably time to sit down with your mother and talk to her about the situation or if you wanted to take more drastic action you should suggest that you live in different homes.
I've not been in the situation myself, but I can only imagine the problems it is causing you.
Good luck!
@sysdexlicwriter (1619)
• United States
12 Apr 10
This is not an easy one. I can see your point of view but also you mother's. I can't imagine what it is like to life with your mother and raise a child, especially if you want to parent differently than your mother did. I have learned that discipline should only be done in a loving manner and the child should understand that they are doing something wrong. Every child goes through a stage of lies and should be quickly corrected or it goes on for a lifetime. When a child steals, they should be held accountable no matter what age. I hope there is a way to respectfully talk to your mother with your concerns and come to a good agreement. My mother and I were never able to do that. I wish you the best.
@Fire10 (293)
• United States
12 Apr 10
No big advice...
My oldest is almost 4 and I'm slowly coming to a level with my parents-in-law about parenting. You're in charge of parenting, she's in charge of grand-parenting :) Hahah... Really we kinda get the short end of the stick... but someday we'll have our turn.
Yeah, got to have those awkward chats about parenting turf and your personal boundaries.
I know how you feel though... I felt that my parents-in-law were going to screw up my parenting by continually undercutting my parenting - by kinda devaluing it in my child's eyes.
