Missing mummy

Though I can never feel your pain, I do understand it so much, Aunt V. And I'll feel the same sadness too when my mom passes on someday. I hope to cherish her forever and make her happy always. Even without being able to obtain material things before, I'm pretty sure you have given eternal happiness to your late mom, and that's all that matters, Aunt. Wipe those tears in the heart away...you are a good daughter and will always be.

You are a sensitive kid. :) I know how it would feel to lose my papa, even though there are many things we have disagreed on. I wish I didn't care. It hurts too much. Yesterday after responding to couple of friends here, I thought I would feel better, but I continued to cry like a baby - tears streaming down non stop. So I switched off mylot and just left mylotting for almost the entire day. Today I am far more composed. I think somewhere her spirit might have felt for me, and contacted me. My love for her at that stage must've been more of a need based than what we really know afterwards as love. And later on - I possibly missed her at every important stage of my life - somehow those too added to my memories of her. Funny how she became important with her absence. We humans are crazy. I think I am going to stop writing. I am hurting again. Sorry. tc.

Its hard zed. Quite often, when I buy something expensive, I think poor mummy she didnt get to wear this or eat this. (we didnt have pizzas in our country in those days, nor did we have ice creams and fridges) So I feel she didnt really enjoy life, and today I can afford and not pass it to her across that barrier. Feel very bad at times. I know it sounds childish, I am 50 and as you said at a respectable age. But I am not very good at coping with losing a loved one.

Hi Kala, I lost her when I was about five and a half years old, but even before that Dad left me elsewhere. :( I have very few moments of her, which are like a reel that is played over and over again. :( You'd think a dark ill-equipped kitchen was hardly anything to remember my mom with. But I do. :( And that yard - looking out in that yard which seemed large at that age. Nothing that would seem to have sentimental value about it, but now it has. :( Today, I am inconsolable. :(

I just read your last comment about how you were 5 1/2 years old when she passed away.So, your papa would have been your whole world.

Yeah - he dumped me into hostel. :) Nuns were nice, but not a good replacement for my mom. Now you know from where that firebrand comes. :)

I guess part of the reason why you miss her so much is because she wasn't there when you were growing up and you wished she were. That still is very touching.

Yeah, I guess. I think I became more observant because she was missing. Therefore, more wistful as well. :( I could see my friends being cared for by their mothers, and that look did make me feel sad that she was not around. You learn to cope but somewhere the gap remains. :(

I remember my sister coming home from the hospital when I was 3. Other than that, nothing specific until she was playing peek-a-boo with my brother when i was about 5.

Yes, it's been very hard. Father's been rather strict, so most of the the time I was in boarding schools, being naughty - needing attention. Communication was an issue with papa and it continues to be so. :( What do you remember of your mother when you were four and younger? :) I know most people dont believe that we can remember something of that age. But I do have such vivid memories.

That's so sweet. :) I dont remember much - actually most of the time I must have been on her lap, because I remember playing with her fingers. :) She had really long fingers. :) And once papa spanked me for spoiling the table lamp switch, she intervened, picked me up and took me to other room. I remember that incident quite clearly. Never could bond with him for most of my life. :(

I will share a secret with you. This might sound insane. But there was a mylotter here who said she could get me in touch with my mother. Kashers. Some spiritual stuff. Now, normally I am very pragmatic, and I really dont believe in such mumbo jumbo. But there was something scary about that stuff that kashers had mentioned. My mother is reborn. If I want to call her, I could. I fear that if I call her, she will be disturbed. Vice versa, if she is not happy in this life, I too will be disturbed some more. But kashers gave me the method of calling my mom's spirit. I am just afraid to use it. I badly wanted to use it today. :(

Hi eloveriz, both my paternal and maternal grandparents were no more by the time I was born. So the only idea I have about grandparents is based on what I have seen at my papa's friend's home. I dont know whether I would have had any conflicts with my mother. She was not that well educated to indulge in arguing. All I know is I am missing her badly today, and it doesnt seem to be the right thing considering I am a 50 years old person now. :(

You are human Vandana.And fifty or not you are likely to feel sad.My 87 year old fil starts sobbing if he just mentions his mom and dad.And he is a highly educated[ at the age of 85 he released his second book in Sanskrit grammar and at the age of 85 he went to Tirupathy to attend a course in the University/due to health reasons he cam e back though his plan was to stay alone and do it for a month].

Thanks kala. :) Actually, it feels so childish to be crying for mummy at 50. :( I feel shy to do it in front of real life friends.

That is so sweet. :) Wish I could really hear her voice like that. But even though I heard her humming, her voice was not very clear, and I never remember her voice. :( I remember when I was about 26 years old, I dreamt she came and gave me a doll, quite like a barbie doll. :) It wore a dress that was the color of your windows task bar. :) Dark blue. :) Though I was too old for dolls, I remember that dream. It may sound childish, but I keep searching for that doll in stores, whenever I go, because I think she may be around that place somewhere to buy it. So far I have not found it. :( Love her so much. :(

Hi iskayz, :) welcome back my friend. :) How are you doing? :) I dont see my papa missing his mom, or any of my relatives missing their parents either. I do. :( That is the reason it feels unusual. If they'd spent a few moments recalling how their mother did this, or that, I would feel - yes it is normal. That is the reason I believe that with age, it should decrease. But the pain never seems to leave.

Hi udayrao, yes, it is daughters who are closer. Sons change parties like politicians and go behind their wives. :) Kidding. :) Somehow I remember my mother mostly when she was in kitchen and when she was in the dining hall. A couple of things I remember about drawing room, and bedroom as well. But more of these two rooms. :) Very painful. Couldnt come back to mylot the whole morning after a few responses. :(

Thanks again Vandana- your discussion and our responses set a chain of nostalgic events in my immediate family - mostly related to this home where I stay ; so hopefully beginning today, if I have the time, will start posting on these as I am sure many will have similar experiences, especially the older( by age ) mylotters in India where till a couple of years back joint family system was & still is existing.

Hi professor, I too feel the same way. In some way, when we touch the things that they touched, we can feel their presence. I have her purse, with some handkerchiefs. Whenever I touch them, I feel something like that. :)

Funny that you should say that! Yes, I think a lot of her and the little I remember of her. I once dreamt she gave me a doll with navy blue dress. :) I was about 26 years old. I still remember that dream. I keep searching for that doll in stores when I go shopping. :)