Putting your life on hold for somebody else
By TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85147)
Shingle Springs, California
April 15, 2010 1:18pm CST
Right now my life is kind of on hold you could say. I've decided to get a divorce. I've communicated that to the husband. The families know. Only the children do not know. The decision was to leave off telling them until school is out in June. And the reason for this has mainly to do with Dearra's anxiety. We'll be starting a "to do" list and working through it in the meantime, but there won't be any visible signs of a split until late in June.
Which gives you know who free rein to continue to try and change my mind.
But I'm holding pretty strong...
So, to the point of the discussion. People put changes on hold all the time for their children, for elderly parents, for spouses who are in school, etc. Have you ever put part of your life on hold so that you could take care of somebody else? How did it come out? Did you lose anything from it? Gain anything from it?
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8 people like this
30 responses
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
15 Apr 10
I put my whole life on hold to raise my children. Not that I had much of a life to begin with.. I didn't have a career or anything like that, but I did hold down a job, make my own money, and had friends and socialized. When the twins came I had to put all that on hold. I couldn't afford child care for twins... had they been 1 child I had people lined up to help out with child care so I could work, then I'd have money for evening sitters for a social life. But 2 babies made it too hard, so I stopped working and we lost a lot of money and life just wasn't the same. I hoped to go back to work when the twins got a little older... but then I had a couple more kids (sigh).
I do look forward to the day I can go back to working. I miss it. Sometimes I feel like taking care of my family is the only life I have. I have few friends because I don't get out often enough. Being a stay at home mom is not easy, and I'm not the type of woman who can feel completely fulfilled by just taking care of my kids, you know. Not that I don't love them.. I just need a bit of a life outside of them.
I've been counting down the days until my youngest enters school from the moment I found out I was pregnant with him!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Apr 10
Working while raising children isn't exactly a bowl of cherries either, but at least you occasionally get to participate in adult conversation. ![](/Content/images/emotes/lol.gif)
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@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
15 Apr 10
I haven't a clue what it would be like to work full time with a family... I know it's really tough on my husband cause he rarely gets a moment to himself. But I've had a few part time jobs over the years, and I found them to be a wonderful break. Not only did I get out of the house for awhile and meet other people, but it also gave my husband some alone time with the kids, and time by himself after they were in bed. It worked well for all of us, until it got to a point where the job got in the way of the family and I had to leave it.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Apr 10
a part time job might end up being a really good thing, take stress off you financially, get you out there doing adult things, and not be so many hours that you can't take care of the family.
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@anne25penn (3305)
• Philippines
16 Apr 10
I have put my life on hold for the past two years, ever since my mother was diagnosed with liver cancer. I am feeling the effects of putting my life on hold just to take care of my mother because I cannot work, nor can I do anything for my personal life. My partner has been asking me to live with him, dropping subtle hints for the past six months. But I tell him that I can't leave my mother because no one will take care of her. I just cry at night when I think of this. But I just can't leave my mother behind.
I feel worthless because I cannot work and I have to provide for myself. My brothers who work and live abroad don't seem to mind that I am worse than a maid. Maids here at least earn P3000 a months (around $70), but they seem to think that I still need to pay for my board and lodging even if I cannot work. My mother, who is the cause of all of this, thinks the same too and is insisting that I pay for the phone and internet. Even if she knows that I cannot work. That's why I keep pushing myself to earn online so that I can have money to pay for the internet and phone, plus a little extra for my personal needs.
When people put their lives on hold, for sure they lose themselves in the process. I don't see anything to gain from this, aside from the praise that I am a good daughter. But these praises will not give you anything or help you get yourself back.
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@anne25penn (3305)
• Philippines
17 Apr 10
Yes, it is terminal. And she is old. Sometimes I toy with the idea of abandoning her, but what you said is true. I could never live with it if ever I left her.
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Apr 10
maybe not, but I bet you couldn't live with yourself if you left her either. Is her cancer terminal?
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@scarlet_woman (23463)
• United States
16 Apr 10
yup.doing that right now with mom.
she's pretty much helpless without me tho,and i sure wouldn't leave her to the other nuts off the tree.
i don't mind in her case tho,even tho she's trying on occasion.
1 person likes this
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@macdingolinger (10386)
• United States
15 Apr 10
I already did the divorce thing.. about 17 years ago. But 18 months ago my son had a wreck and I put my life on hold. I have lived in waiting rooms, hospital rooms with him and nursing homes. My life is really on hold until he gets better. Thankfully he is improving slowly and hopefully in the next couple of months he'll go to rehab.. I lost my whole life. I had just moved to Chicago and started a brand new life that was like an every day adventure. I also lost my jobs. I lost my vehicle since I could not maintain two vehicles. I chose to take care of his until he is better. Then I will figure out how to get another one...
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Apr 10
Wow - 18 months and he's still not in rehab? Must have been really serious...
@macdingolinger (10386)
• United States
16 Apr 10
It was a real bad wreck. Everything has healed except the head injury. The end prognosis is good though. He should recover totally. It will just be slow! And that it has been. He is still waking up a little more all the time and moving more and more. I think in the next couple of months he'll be ready for rehab. He's progressing each day and that's good.
@vandana7 (99882)
• India
15 Apr 10
Hi Dawn, I think it is difficult for me to leave my parent. So I guess, my entire life has been on hold. I keep hoping dad will realize someday. He does occasionally grudgingly admit my merits. But other than that, it is quite tough. I wouldnt like to lose him either. Partly because I do care for him, I recall all those happy childhood days with him. And partly out of fear about my relatives descending upon me. Life goes on. I dont know where it is leading to. :)
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Apr 10
Surely it is possible for a woman in your country to live independently?
@vandana7 (99882)
• India
15 Apr 10
These days girls are living independently. I was possibly one fo the first to try that, and I already told you, my cousins came, and beat me up for monies. So I am kind of scared. Too old now. :) Law and order is not very good Dawn. Corruption everywhere. So cant really expect help from the police force should anything happen. They will advise me - it is family squabble, try to sort it out yourself, it will take ages to solve it through court, you might not live that long. Alternately, they will pretend they are listening, and recording FIR, but the FIR will be torn, and they will collect bribes from relatives. :( I dont put anything past my relatives. As to my father, you already know. He likes to keep control of finances. I try to be independent, and there can be a big ruckus in the house. I have tried it before, without much success. So I just leave it - especially because I really need that peace.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Apr 10
That's pretty much what I've decided too, but I do have a responsibility to my daughter...
@zim1fW (285)
• Philippines
16 Apr 10
I believe it is more shocking to children who were not aware of the problems their parents are having than those who knew very well what's going on. It would be a serious shock to those who have no inkling that that's what's going to happen.
I'm not sure how young is your daughter. But she is old enough to understand things, I believe it is easier for her to cope if you will tell her in bits and pieces what problems you and your ex were having. Once the child appreciates the extent of the problem and the need for her parents to separate ways, the impact once divorce is announced would be much lighter.
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
16 Apr 10
I put my life on hold for the sake of my son. I wanted to leave my former husband but my son was only 12 years old and I felt that he wouldn't be able to cope with the stress and unhappiness that my decision would cause. I held out for another four years, until he was old enough to understand and make his own decisions. Strangely enough, after I left he came to understand very quickly and has often said that he knew things weren't right at the time. He has been very supportive of my decision and has come to realise that although his Dad will always be his dad, he realises how unhappy I was
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Apr 10
I sure hope my children can manage to be ok with this, because I just can't live in this marriage any more.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
16 Apr 10
Hi dawnald,
Sorry that you are going thru a rough time in your life right now. It sounds as if you are handling the situation really well. It is tough living in the house tho when you are splitting up....brace yourself. I did the same thing but it was for longer than a couple of months due to lack of money and lack of housing in the area. I have kids so yes, many times over the years I opted for what I thought was better for them as opposed to what I really wanted. Did I gain anything from it? Ya I guess I did. It felt good knowing that I was doing the right thing by them so I guess I gained some peace of mind. You have to follow your heart and do what is right for your kids and in the end it'll be what's right for you. It won't feel like you've lost a thing.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Apr 10
Only thing I'm losing right now is any respect for my husband and he keeps disrespecting my wishes and trying to change my mind.
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
19 Apr 10
I was in a similar position as you after my husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I decided I could not put up with any more…It wasn’t the diagnosis but the horrible things he put me through during his psychotic episodes. Anyway, I made the decision but decided to wait for my daughter’s sake until I found a job. We were promised counselling by his doctor and that is what saved us I think. I’m glad now that I’m still here and I am guessing that is how it was meant to be for us. I do know that amongst all this there was a time when things were very much on hold and I didn’t know if I was coming or going and it was not the best place to be. It does get better because matters can’t stay at a standstill forever...
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
18 Apr 10
Oh yes..I have. I actually regretted it later. I stayed in a relationship once for the children and kept everything very hush hush. The problem was when it was time....the ex got the chance to make me the "bad guy". It took a long time for my children to understand. They were blind sided. I guess they knew things weren't perfect but they didn't realize there was going to be such a big change. Once it was realized, it happened very fast versus them having time to become adjusted to the idea of it. They eventually did understand and thank goodness our relationship wasn't damaged for long but my oldest daughter really had a rough time with the change. I felt like if I had expressed my unhappiness from the beginning and why I felt that way..it would have been easier for me and my children in the long run. No ones situation is the same and it certainly does me no good to dwell on it but I do wish I had handeled it in a different way.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
18 Apr 10
I hope he won't do that, but we shall see...
@bamrahkirti (1821)
• India
16 Apr 10
I am also putting my life on hold for a person who has betrayed me not once but thrice.It is none other than my husband who has lied to me regarding his financial status and education.He dumped my jewelery and bought shares ,which yielded nothing ,without my knowledge.Still i have to live with that person for the sake of my son who is too small to understand the turmoil i am in.
I want to start everyday with new approach but at the end of day it is the same feeling of seclusion and loneliness hovering over me.
1 person likes this
@hexeduser22 (7419)
• Philippines
13 May 10
I feel ashamed...my girlfriend's life is like in a suspended animation...it's on hold because of me...She is waiting for me to finish college so we could start our life together... I love her so much that I feel so ashamed that I have to keep her waiting. I can't be with her if I can't finish college because I want to give her a better future
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 May 10
hey, I'm sure she understands and wants a better life too!
@abitcurious (1422)
• Philippines
17 Apr 10
Divorce is really hard for the children. I should know, my parents separated (our country still hasn't legalized divorce) and I really felt lost. But looking back, I felt really relieved when they finally separated. It was harder for me to see them at their worst when I know they could be better people if they could only go past their relationship woes.
Dearra will later realize that. I did. Then, I just wanted to know the real reasons and not be kept in the dark. I sensed something was wrong, but our culture is not that emotionally open for children. Children just have to watch adults decide about everything. I think it would help if she gets an explanation--when you are both ready to give it to her.
Life on hold. Thankfully my parents are really understanding after they got over their own bitterness. I have a trivial 'on hold' incident though. Back in high school, a friend of mine had a crush in my classmate. The guy started making friends with me and later on tried to ask me out. But my friend liked him so I said no. Even after my friend found someone else I still did not go out with him. I started to like him but felt too weird about us being together.
Sorry that was really trivial compared to yours, but there you have it...
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
17 Apr 10
You are a good friend. Too many people would have chosen the guy and ditched the friend...
@BlueAngelRS (2899)
• Canada
16 Apr 10
I'm so sorry dawnald that you are going through such a rough time....I've felt that way but not so much for family but I let a friend stay here until he found a new place to move into and I felt like my life was re-arranged with him staying here for a couple of weeks and even now the odd time people are still calling hear for him....Hugzzzzz....
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Apr 10
I have a friend staying with me too, but at least she uses her own phone. Still, Naomi wants her bedroom back...
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
16 Apr 10
Dawn, I really don't know what to say, except that I am truly
sorry. I guess that if this is the decision that you have finally
come to there is a good reason for it. I have never been in this
type of situation and don't envy you at all. The fact that you
have 3 children to deal with who are going to have to somehow
fit into this someway and try to understand this I don't envy
you at all. All I can say to you is that all your friends are
here for you, no matter what, no questions asked, anytime for
anything you need and know that we love you and you can count
on us~ Sending you lots of love and prayers always, Opal/Leslie
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Apr 10
Thanks.
What I am dealing with right now, other than Dearra's anxiety, is his refusal to honor my request to stop trying to change my mind. Aargh...
@savypat (20216)
• United States
15 Apr 10
I have found that when life is not moving as fast or in the direction I want it to go, it's best to take a step back and look for the lessons I need to learn. When I review the whole situation in the future I have been able to see that the blocks
were placed by me and for good reason. In reality no one is in charge of your life but you. If you did not consider your children you would be a different person than you are. So accept this as part of yourself and stay strong. At the same time stay open to the lessons. Blessings
@kaspera (46)
• United States
16 Apr 10
It seems that putting my life on hold for others is a nasty old habit of mine. It is one that I am trying to break. I have been in the same cycle of the same type of men, the same habits, everything the same. The reason behind this is simple, I know. While everything around me changes, things become more chaotic, but I always know that I will not change. I am the same person with the same habits, same tastes, etc. This is wrong. I am trying now to change certain things about me, hoping to try to break the cycle. Change scares me more than anything, but I am learning to embrace and go with the flow. Your daughter may have a hard time at first, but I know that eventually things will settle down. You guys will again get into a routine. Things will be different, but at least they will be stable. Your daughter will be ok with the split. It just might take her a little longer than most other people would to adjust.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Apr 10
Maybe it will be a relief for her, but I really don't think so.
@caiye786 (95)
• China
16 Apr 10
Just pursue your freedom if you think it rally takes enjoyment to you .I inspire you for your bravery to stop a marriage ,can't you care your children ?how can you explain it to your parents and friends.life can't be perfect as you want ,maybe many of us are living a life on hold for somebody,but it is not too bad
@Sunny0727 (53)
• China
16 Apr 10
i put my life on hold for my child,my husband ,and also my now work. i must work to earn money to bring up my kid and myself.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
16 Apr 10
I'm going to have to be supporting my chlidren also, but I don't mind that so much. It's delaying getting out of this marriage that's hard.
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