how to fall in love again when love grows cold
By doulaworks
@doulaworks (1079)
United States
April 15, 2010 2:44pm CST
I have been married for many years. I don't plan on going anywhere, I just want to know some ideas for getting a spark back. that feeling of love and admiration I once had for my husband. I dont' dislike him, we don't fight, I just feel blah. I have tried telling him how I feel, and he says 'I love you and everything will be ok'. It has been for about a year that I feel indifferent... I don't like it either. I have suggested we go out, he's too tired or we have to take the kids with us (15 and 19) Our 19 year old is disabled and I am with him 24/7 just about. our other kids are grown and on their own. I can go out alone when my husband is home, but that is few and far between. My husband tells me to get a hobby outside of MyLot and Facebook. I should get out of the house, but I don't see how that will help me reconnect with HIM. He goes fishing alone and sometimes with our 15 year old. But he almost never takes our 19 year old becasue it is a lot of work mentally (he talks non stop and needs a lot of supervison). I have suggested going out on a date night (leaving the boys with our oldest daughter) but my husband says "we'll see" and it never happend. I have tried to plan something only to be told " I'm too tired" or " I don't feel like it". I sometimes think he is so self absorbed that he forgets we are a couple. I feel lonely and depressed. I am grateful he keeps aroof over our head, we are not deep in debt and he isn't abusive. I have written him love letters, emails, cards. I have talked with him. I have done all I can think of. He says everything is just fine, he is happy and he loves me. He buys flowers for birthdays, anniversery, mothers day etc. nice cards, but only signs his name.
he used to be a lot more romantic, and attentive. we used to go out for dinner alone, to a movie, or the park for a walk, now nothing. He says it is just because he is tired. I try and get him to take vitamins, he refuses. He did change jobs about 6 months ago, but actually works less hard and fewer hours.
any ideas of something I could try? Thanks
4 responses
@Lochoa (222)
• United States
15 Apr 10
Man that sucks! My husband and I have been together for 11 years this year married for 5 and we're so in love still. On the other hand we don't have children and I hear that makes a BIG difference! It sounds like you're doing all you can do and leaving the ball in his court but he's not doing anything about it. I would prob see a therapist or something b/c it sounds as though he may be depressed as well. Maybe he doesn't like the job he's in or his life is nothing like he "planned" (which no one's ever is) but sometimes for a man it's harder. It sounds as though even though you would make an appt to see a therpyst he wouldn't go but if I were you I would still go so you can try to work your marriage out ans maybe he'll get used to the idea then go with you.
If you're always on the computer as well that may be affecting him b/c he see's you consumed by it and get's even more depressed. Who knows. I would also talk to him again and try for him to understand how you feel and try to find out how he feels and not just tell you that same ol story. You have to do it alone of course no one else around and hope he opens up with you and if not tell him you're thinking about seeing a therapyst and maybe he'll take it serious too. b/c you have to really explain to him how you're feeling and you are serious about your relationship.
I hope this makes sense and helps
1 person likes this
@Lochoa (222)
• United States
15 Apr 10
I forgot to include...my point on telling you about my mariage is b/c I believe the main reason why we are still so in love is b/c our communication with each other. I feel that's is one of the main things that makes a relationship work if not you'll always doubt and it sounds like that's whats happening with you and your husband b/c you dont know what each other is feeling.
@doulaworks (1079)
• United States
15 Apr 10
Thanks for your comments. to clarify, I am on the computer when he is gone or when he is sleeping. ( which is most of the time) when he is home, I am not on the computer, unlesshe is working on the lawn mower or his boat. We used to garden together, but we haven't started one yet this year. I have been talking to him about starting it soon, but if he doesn't I will jsut start something by myslef. I already see a therapist due to my depression and we have asked him to join in (she comes to our house) but he always says no thanks. They therapist has given me a bit of an outlet and some ideas, I have tried them all but one, which is me going away for a few days and let him deal with everything alone and see if he get's it then... I am not ready for that yet. I will try again to expalin how I am feeling. I am not ready to give up. I know he isn't crazy about his job, I do believe he is depressed to, he just won't do anything about it. Thanks for listening! I am thrilled to her you are still in love with your hubby That is a very good thing.
@doglady112 (604)
• Canada
16 Apr 10
I'm sorry I can't help, I'm trying to figure that out for myself. My husband seems very distant from me lately I'm not sure why/
I'm just trying to let him know I'm there for him in every way possible like rubbing his feet with my cream or rubbing his back or being supportive when he talks to me.
1 person likes this
@doulaworks (1079)
• United States
16 Apr 10
thanks for sharing, I feel your pain. I hope you find a way ro reconnect again. It is lonely and confussing. I wish you well,
@linoxy (283)
• Cyprus
15 Apr 10
Hi,
I really don't know how to explain but I was in a very similar situation with yours and definitely my husband got to a therapist only for one conversation which I was trying to get him to for almost 2 years. The difference between your situation and mine is - my husband doesn't work, he can't find a job for 2 years he tried to find and tried just about anything. The problem is not because he is not trying, but the main problem is that we live in a country where it is not very easy to find a job and you must have connections to find one. I always have had luck with getting a job and earning for living, I even supported my mother when I was I think 20 yo. So, the symptoms are very similar between your husband and mine and the main problem is that they are mostly concerned about other people feeling so they do not have time to investigate their own. I think that your husband keeps his emotions inside and does not know how to talk about them. But, believe me this is not connected with love for you. So, after 2 years of trying to get my husband to therapist I got him to one, I was together with him to see this therapist, and the therapist told him all things that I used to say to my husband, so this was kind of confirmation to everything I said.
Bottom line, I will try to cut the story short, my husband is ok now, much better, he hasn't found a job yet, but he returned to the person I met 11 years ago. Our relationship got back to the one we had.
From my experience, I would advice you to talk to your husband but not to be very persuasive about going to therapist - first ask him what he thinks about that. Secondly, time may pass while you try, but don't give up.
@doulaworks (1079)
• United States
16 Apr 10
I am sorry your having this happeing in your life too. It is hard to live with. I am happy you found a way to get the feelings sorted out and reconnect. I pray this will happen soon for us too.
@celticeagle (168126)
• Boise, Idaho
17 Apr 10
HE IS IN A RUTT AND IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE TOO! Life is short. Talk to him! Tell him what you have just said here. I just happened to write a letter about just this subject. Sounds like he is a good guy and a total GUY. Here is the link to the article I wrote:
http://www.ehow.com/how_4492037_be-romantic-everyday.html
Hope it helps alittle and gives you some ideas. Remember too that men like to do the chasing. If you got a hobby and a make over I bet it would stir some stuff. Good luck to you!
