kids and seperation
By weasel81
@weasel81 (2496)
Australia
April 25, 2010 4:01am CST
i'm in need of some advice, i recently spilt from my partner under a not to good situation. my son is not allowed to see his father due to it being, on my A.V.O. but then i had to also deal with my ex's parents, they wanted to see him cause they've not seen him in 5 weeks due to them being away. so before they became real annoying, i let them have him for a total of just over 24 hrs. it was only to shut them up, and keep them off my back till i can get a few things organised. they are the type of people to cause trouble, and we're not putting anything past them. we wouldn't even out it past them to let their son him my son, even with the avo out on him. it was bit to conveint they were down where he was. it makes me wonder what went on.
so my son has come back from there, a bit quite and being a bit silly. i had to explain to him why we can't go over to the ex-inlaws place to get something he wanted and also explain why he's not allowed to currently see his father.
do kids always come back a bit different, from visiting others when the parents have seperated. how does it affect the kids when they get spoilt when they go over to visit others?/????
3 people like this
9 responses
@saphrina (31551)
• South Africa
25 Apr 10
You know sweetie, this is a serious situation. It is bad for any kid to go threw a seperation. Normally the grandparents have the tendency to spoil them more and sometimes try and make the kids understand that one of the parents is the bad guy. I think you need to keep him away from them, but you have to let him see his dad. We cannot keep children away from either parent. It is unhealthy for a kid, as they need both their parents. TATA.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
25 Apr 10
I don't believe u are a grandparent because u wouldn't say that if u were.
@weasel81 (2496)
• Australia
25 Apr 10
my ex's parents already spoiled my son long before we spilt, i'm just afraid it's going to get worse. that i'm going to have lot of problems with them, his father has an a.v.o. out on him and my son is inder that at the moment. in time he will be allowed to see him, but not for a while, i'm hoping he'll learn from it and become a better person.
my mum was told by her sister, not to interfer with us. she has done that, and won't give my son somethings with out asking first.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
29 Apr 10
Tell him to ask for a new fridge/washing machine/lounge or whatever else you need next time. Also tell him to ask for whatever else he wants. Tell them to feel free to get him anything he asks for. I'm serious...play them at their own game...if they are genuine, it's a win - win situation, if they are not, you and your son will be no worse off. Muhahahaha. 
@weasel81 (2496)
• Australia
30 Apr 10
i made the list out for the solictor the other day. the things that ended in ???? pile she said for me to keep cause they are things i need. my son cold ask for anything but i don't think it would be coming back to this house. i own the washing machine any way, and there are somethings i really don't care about. it's easy as to get the stuff i want from mum and dad, even draging out a 30 yr old lounge suite that is in really good nick for it's age. i'll be fine with out their help, but i know what you mean. i'm not going to use my son to get things.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
25 Apr 10
i'M sorry for your troubles. They are bad ones, i know, been there done that. I am also a grandparent & we spoil our grandkids. Don't deny them to see their grandchild. I'm sure if they are like most grandparents they love him alot. I don't know what an avo is but don't use your child to get back at his dad. children should go on w/a as normal of life as they can. They can't help what grownups have done. I wish u good luck.
@weasel81 (2496)
• Australia
25 Apr 10
the avo is shortened from aperhended voilence order, sorry i can't spell. i've got nothing wrong with grandparents, it's more when they go over board and don't respect the parents wishes, about things like lollies, soft drinks, etc then the child saying i want and they get. i'm not wanting them to not see my son, it's just what they may get up to wile having him. there was even talk of the zoo, nearest one is 3.5 hrs away. i'm trying to protect my son from his father, he was also hurt a few times. i reminded my so of it on sat, i had to try to get him to understand why daddy is not here and my house looks a mess.
thanks oxox
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (167015)
• Boise, Idaho
25 Apr 10
No seperation is easy on the kids. He is probably treated differently when he is with his grandparents. Ofcourse it affects him. He may be hearing things when over there and it is confusing for him. They may have snuck the father in to see him too, you just don't know. I would see a counselor. Have the boy see the counselor also. See what the counselor's advice is in these situations. And remember through all this you ARE the mother and you need to do what you feel is best for that little boy who is going through a bad time also.
@weasel81 (2496)
• Australia
27 Apr 10
we're not putting it past the ex's to say things to my son to get him to change sides so they can try to get him. i was told the other day my son does not quailfi for conselling. but i should try and get the school one to see him instead and go from there with it. but i'm going to go another way to get to see someone.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (167015)
• Boise, Idaho
27 Apr 10
Why in the world would he not qualify? Seems weird to me. His school counselor may be able to give you some options and help him. He will need some ways to deal with all this.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
27 Apr 10
I'm lucky that I've never had to go through this type of situation and I hope that I never do. Now, I also don't know anyone that has been through the exact same situation as you are referring to, but I know that my nieces will occasionally go spend a couple of weeks with their grandparents in Georgia and when they come home, they are definitely different for a period of time after they come home because they are treated differently there than they are treated when they are at home.
@sleepylittlerose (1648)
• United States
26 Apr 10
First off remember kids are resiliant. They bounce back from seperations alot easier than adults do. My two step sons are perfect examples. And yes, they will act differently especailly the younger they are when they return from the other parent's house. At that age it is almost like I have a secret. They are excited about what they have done or experienced but are afraid of hurting the other parent by telling them their news. My sister is currently going through a similar situation. She has made a deal with my niece that they can talk about anything that she wants to when she returns and wants to hear about the fun things she has done while with her dad. It is very difficult for my sister sometimes to hear these things but she does not want my niece to feel that she has to keep a secret. As far as being spoiled kids always think they are getting away with something when they stay with the grandparents, little do they know grandparents will actually give in less but just have a way to put a spin on it so the kids don't realize they are not getting away with something. I guess thats what all those years of parenting taught our moms and dads. LOL.
@weasel81 (2496)
• Australia
27 Apr 10
i was talking to my sons teacher today finding out how last week went, she's happy with the way he is going. which is good news for me, i'm a big one on routine's with him. he's been at me about letting his other grand parents pick him up from school, but i want to get him used to seeing them every 2nd weekend. he ahs spoken a few times abotu things but not much about the weekend. i leave him to bring it up and tell me bout it all.
@sleepylittlerose (1648)
• United States
27 Apr 10
Open that line of communication. Ask him what he did fun and exciting. And let him know that it is ok with you that he has a good time. And that you want to hear about what is going on in his life even when he is with his dad or grandparents. He is being very cautious not to hurt you. Kids see and understand much more than we give them credit for. Especially for a boy becuase now he is the "man" of the house. He is trying to defend you from that which hurts you. It is scarry how early they learn that role.
@ribbon1226 (192)
• United States
25 Apr 10
Typically they do come home a little different because nobody parents the same and usually if the adults he is visiting with are talking adult issues with him. I would just keep things low key when it comes to any adult issues around the child but on the other hand be cautious on these visits if you think there is any chance they would try to take the child. It is so hard to share parenting when this kind of stuff happens but this kind of stuff always seem to happen.
I cannot stress enough to young kids getting pregnant that they will be tied to the other parent for a lifetime. Even if they end up hating them, they will have to share parenting.
Since you think these ex-inlaws can be troublesome, as I said just be cautious and also keep yourself free of anything they can use as reason to take child.
Best of luck to you.
@weasel81 (2496)
• Australia
26 Apr 10
i agree with you, as i said to a friend the other day. i've got to make my butt look clean. i tend not to mention his father round him, or the grand parents. so that nothing gets said about them.
we've got a friend who has 5 kids with his ex. she's still giving him hell even after divorce, the youngest is 13 now. but as the kids have all gotten older they hav egone to live with their father.
thanks ribbon oxo
@mipen2006 (5528)
• Australia
25 Apr 10
This is one of the very difficult things raised by seperation. In my opinion all situations are unique, and I don't tinnk others are in a situation to give advice. Many years ago, This. and property settlement, (she got it all) wher the two most difficult times of my life. All I can say weasel, is very good luck. Mike.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
27 Apr 10
It does seem like they are different when they come back from the ex's family. It can be a lot of reasons. Best thing to do is talk to them about the things you notice that are different or give them a chance to talk openly and without judgement about their visit.
