He wants me to pay. Would you?
By mentalward
@mentalward (14690)
United States
April 26, 2010 8:17am CST
I haven't written about my husband in awhile so I guess it's time.
My husband's niece is getting married this Saturday. She lives about 300 miles away so we'd have to at least spend one night there. The problem is, the wedding is taking place in Ocean City, Maryland, a very-well-known beach resort town. The rooms for rent there are outrageously priced.
I thought we could rent a hotel room somewhere outside of Ocean City, for one night, and it wouldn't cost too much but my husband just tried to talk me into renting a room in the hotel where the reception is taking place. This room will cost us $300.00.
Now, to backtrack a bit, I paid for our wedding gift to his niece. I ordered it, I picked it up, I wrapped it. He's done nothing so far. Heck, I even sent back the RSVP when the invitation came.
Now, he's expecting ME to pay for this hotel room! Grrrrrrrrr!!! I just shelled out almost $5,000.00 for him to have his teeth fixed and that was $2,000.00 more than what he had led me to believe it would be but I didn't find out the correct amount until after the work had been done. (I only paid for this because he really needed the work done.)
This is a man who promised to take care of me, even before we were married. He knew I had fibromyalgia and a few other physical issues. He already owed me about $100,000.00 before he went to the dentist. He keeps trying to get more and more money out of me and he earns a VERY good income! He just blows whatever money he has left over when the bills are paid. (He's an alcoholic and likes expensive "toys".)
Now, about his taking care of me, I pay for everything for the house, including food. I pay for my own gas for my car. I pay for anything I want for myself. I pay the electric bill. I pay the cable bill. So, my husband is not taking care of me, we're sharing expenses.
I have some money put away in a Money Market account. I told my husband that money is NOT to be touched under any circumstances. It is for the time when he retires. But, since he knows about it, he's tried several times to get it from me. I've told him NO WAY each time, but he keeps trying, then gets an attitude when I don't give it to him.
I'm ready to tell him that I won't be going to this wedding, now that I know he's been expecting ME to pay for the hotel room. He can go crash on his sister's sofa if it comes down to that. (She lives near Ocean City.)
This is his sister's daughter who is getting married. Would you pay if you were in my place? How would you handle this? I've told him that we can get that hotel room he wants if HE pays for it because there's no way I'll pay for it.
Sorry about the rant. I just feel pressured and I really hate this feeling. Your input will be very much appreciated. Thanks so much!
15 people like this
32 responses
@amandakringle (109)
• United States
26 Apr 10
Not no, but He!! no. Remember you are under no obligation to be considerate or loving to those who are inconsiderate and unloving towards you. He is definetly taking advantage of you and your situation. I am sorry to say this but it seems that he married you only to have somebody take care of him and spend money on him. You should not have to deal with this.
I know a lady who's husband was this way. She had fibro as well, and her husband was living off of her disability promising to pay her back, when he could "afford it" $565,000 later she realized that he was never going to pay her back. She also got a call from his brother who learned what he was doing and told her that he didn't love her and was known around their home town for his womanizing and habit of taking advantage of those who are disabled. She promptly divorced him and is now married to a man who really loves her and takes wonderful care of her. He makes no quams about telling everybody that she is "his angel, and that he likes to take care of her." As for her ex- he is now in federal prision for tax fraud and embezzelment.
While I realize that you may not be able to afford living where you are, I encourage you to maybe find somewhere you can afford live and leave him. You need to take care of yourself. He obviously does not care about you or your health and sees only your disability check. You deserve so much more then he can give you. Also do you have children? If you do you may want to consider leaving himmfor their sake. He may not be somebody that they should model their lives after.
I am very sorry that he is treating you like this. While, its true that I do not personally know him, I know people like him and have seen the trouble and heartbreak they leave behind. I would definetly not, pay the money but would begin looking for an apartment or house of my own and move on. You deserve sooooo much better.
2 people like this
@amandakringle (109)
• United States
26 Apr 10
You have to be the most patient woman in the world. That just makes this whole situation worse. You seem to have such a wonderful and sweet nature that its hard for you to tell him no. Again I am very sorry that you are being treated like this.
I have to applaud you for your courage. I think that if you got out into the dating world again you woulld find someone who is worth yur time quicker than you think. I hope that you take care of yourself.
p.s. A little advice though, if your name is on the mortgage for your current house, I would definetly look into whether or not he has been making payments. The last thinkg that you need is to be caught in the middle of a foreclosure action. If he is not paying the mortgage and your name isnt on it then you need to bail. It will cause major problems for you. If your name is on it and he isnt paying the mortgage, you may consider contacting an attorney and either taking your name off the mortgage or bringing it up todate, and then bail. This guy is no good for you. You seem so smart, sweet and caring and I hate to see people like you taken advantage of.
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
26 Apr 10
I wish I could tell him to take a hike but I couldn't afford to stay here if he wasn't paying for the expenses I didn't mention. We basically have a marriage of convenience, at this point.
So, good. I feel better, having my thoughts about this reinforced. Thank you!
I have the feeling that, even though he will end up paying for this hotel room, he'll try to get money from me to pay for something he normally pays for because of it. I'll be alert to that and refuse each time.
He's unbelievable, Elic. He knows that I have a little money left over every month out of my disability checks after I pay my share, and he wants me to hire a maid! I do what I can around here and my son helps me quite a lot with the rest. My husband just doesn't want to have to lift a finger around here, including the normal maintenance stuff you do when you're a homeowner. I just can't understand what he has against saving for the future. He needs therapy.
2 people like this
@ElicBxn (63643)
• United States
26 Apr 10
Well, until he gets a DUI or something, he's not going to do it - and probably not then.
My roomie's brother is a drunk, he got busted for DUI and her nephew was busting a gut over him getting busted.
He's the youngest of the 3 with that one woman and he's just turned 18 and thinks his dad is a loser (he is.)
2 people like this
@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
26 Apr 10
There's NO way I would pay for that hotel room! I would send him by himself and let him find his own accommodations! Just be sure that he has no credit cards that have your name on them.
This type of person can't see reason. I think they tie their self-esteem to what they spend, how they appear to people. They won't change and won't compromise. So send him by himself, you've already done your "duty" with the gift and the rest is up to him, on his own. I'll bet he stays at his sister's if you refuse to go! (You can suddenly get very ill)
2 people like this
@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
26 Apr 10
I called it that way because of the similarity between your present and my ex. Although their childhoods were different, each suffered a lack of love and concern. So you can't change it, I know because I tried.
Yes, it's sad but you can't let it drag you down. Be firm, whatever you decide to do. It's a tough tow to hoe, a constant battle that can really wear you down if you let it. I was almost relieved when my ex filed for divorce.
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
26 Apr 10
You know, I think I'd be relieved if he filed for divorce but I know he won't. He's smart enough to know that he'll be screwed in divorce court. A healthy man leaving his disabled wife for no good reason is highly frowned upon in the courts and, believe me, I give him no reasons to divorce me. I may be emotionally aloof but I do my "wifely duties", as far as the courts are concerned, anyway. I've got my back covered.
2 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
26 Apr 10
hi I do not understand, he is basically being kept and what about his paying for his own stuff like teeth etc. let him quit drinking then he will have most of his pay check. If I were you just about now I would be thinking about a divorce lawyer and goingon my own again, then maybe finding a m an who will not just use you for paying all his bills.
If he is paying for the house then move out. let him keep the
blasted house. Hes a big boy let him pay for the fancy hotel room.
I do not understand what is holding your marriage together. a marriage'of convenience does not sound very comforting to me. I guess I am not much
'help but I would not like feeling used like that. a husband should be pulling his weight in the marriage.
2 people like this
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
28 Apr 10
I totally agree with you, Hatley. I simply don't think I'd be able to handle another move. The move here almost killed me, literally. However, it's not out of the question. Right now, I have the freedom I want to do my gardening and my craftwork, plus there's the lake and I love to fish. I have a lot going on to take my mind off my husband and his issues. I've always been an independent thinker and I really am pretty happy most of the time.
This marriage is definitely not comforting. At one point in my life I would never have considered a marriage of convenience. I've just been through way too much in my life that was not nice so I'm now choosing the lesser of two evils. I can't live by myself, that's out of the question. My disabilities would make that impossible. However, if things ever got worse here I would definitely think about moving, as long as I had someone who would move in with me, like my sons or a friend.
As it is now, my husband is on his own as far as spending money goes. I refuse to give him a penny more. He can pout or treat me like I'm the meanest "mommy" on the face of the Earth but I just don't care anymore.
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
26 Apr 10
Hey Marti,
Since I know a bit about you and hubby's history, my answer is HELL no, I wouldn't spend another penny on this niece adventure. It would be different if your hubby was a loving, caring and a giving man, but we both know he isn't. I think you did too much already. Unless you really want to go, I think sending him on his merry way would be a good solution.
Marti, I think you need to take those blinders off and throw them away!! I realize that giving a little (or a lot) here and there helps to keep the peace. But as you said, he makes a very good living and yet expects you to buy the toys or whatever he doesn't want to spend HIS hard earned money on.
Just remember how long you had to wait and all the sweat and tears you shed needing that disability. You knew he would swoop in like a vulture.
Who's ranting now? Sorry, we've been out of touch too long. I say, put that barrier back up and ignore his selfish requests. Just looking out for my good friend.
Love Ya
Leenie
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
26 Apr 10
Awww, you are so SWEET, Leenie! Don't worry, though. He's not getting any more money from me, ever. He knows better than to come right out and ask for it now, too. He didn't ask for me to pay for this hotel room but he was hoping (expecting?) me to offer to pay for it. When I said I wouldn't, his whole attitude changed. That's how I know he was expecting me to pay for it.
I do keep this barrier up but, occasionally, it does slip down some. Not enough for me to give in to him but enough to make me feel guilty for not giving him money. I've gotta pay closer attention to keeping this barrier up!
If he ever does pay what he already owes me, I'd lend him money IF he really needed it, not just for some toys or a more expensive hotel room. But, he'll never pay that debt to me. He told me to set up an automatic payment to take $200.00 a month out of our joint account and put into my private account but, after I figured out how many months that would take to pay completely what he owes me, I know I'll never see it all, not nearly! I figured it would take over 500 months to completely pay me back and he'll never live that long, not with the way he drinks and his bad eating habits. So, he'll never get another penny from me.
Love you, too!
1 person likes this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
27 Apr 10
Yeah, take it honey, he said it was okay to do, and it is more than NOTHING, right? Just keep track of it, is all.
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
27 Apr 10
I will be setting up that automatic transfer today, just as soon as I get out of myLot. (We all know how hard that can be. LOL) I'll keep track of every transfer, too. I'll get whatever I can. After all, HE'S the one who told me to think about the money I gave him as loans and promised to pay it back.
I don't have a new house, Leenie, at least not for the past three years. I'm still in the same place I've been since finding myLot. I honestly don't want to move again after what the move here did to me, physically and emotionally. The foreclosure is the same house I've had since 2006, when I bought it and, hopefully, it will sell soon. I've had some activity but nothing I'm considering right now. I still need to get down there and "pretty it up" a bit more and am planning on doing that soon, hopefully next week. It's in the southernmost part of Virginia (Halifax).
@jeeyah (1092)
• Philippines
27 Apr 10
Hi mentalward, I just read your post, and I can say that this issue isn't just about the hotel room. This is way beyond that. :/
Before anything else, have you done anything about your husband's behavior? It really seems too much. Have you tried talking to him or something? I can't believe that he's making you pay for all those expenses, and even trying to get to your savings. Shared expenses would be okay, I guess, but for those other things.. He should really make an effort.
Now about the wedding, it's his own relative's wedding, not yours, yet you were the one who took care of all the things that needed to be done. Making you pay for the hotel room on top of everything else you've done is way below the belt!
So if I were in your position, I would definitely NOT pay for it. There's a reason why you two are called a couple. I think you get what I mean. I hope your husband realizes it soon, too.
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
27 Apr 10
No, we don't have kids together. I'm too old for all that. (I just turned 58...OUCH!... on April 14th. I have two sons (his stepsons) who live near us (about 12 miles) and they help me to keep my sanity. They love their mom.
I like to go outside every day, even if I'm just looking at what I've planted. Being in the garden gives me a sense of peace and is very soothing to my soul. It does more for me than any pill I could get from a doctor! I just did that, right before coming back here, and I feel great right now. Seeing all the fruit and berries that are starting to grow, well, I can't describe what it makes me feel like. You'd just have to be an avid gardener to understand completely.
That's actually the main reason why I'm still here, my garden. If I didn't have that, I would have been gone a long time ago.
Thanks so much for your kind words and wishes. They mean a lot to me.
@jeeyah (1092)
• Philippines
27 Apr 10
Aww, at least you've got 2 sons who love you!
I'm not really into gardening, but I guess I get what you're feeling: seeing all the products of your hard work and such. It feels like a sort of paradise, doesn't it?
Your garden is lucky to have you, then. Just keep doing that: Enjoy your garden and talk to/think of your sons, and see the real beauty of your life. :)
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
27 Apr 10
I would not. I would tell him that I am not going at all and if he wants to, he can figure out where to stay. He sure seems to take advantage of you, especially when it comes to money.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
27 Apr 10
Marti
I would tell him where to go
I am in the Situation I am in because when I got divorced, my Ex Husband left me all the Debts which where very high I then lost my Job because of my Illness and from there it went downhill
My Ex Husband loved his Social Life and was seeing Women, I worked to try and give my Children what they needed and food while he was out 'enjoying his Life' as he called it
He never looked after me, I looked after myself
Then when we got divorced for me to keep the House, I had to take the Debts to plus the Mortgage on the House, it scared me, in the end I did loose the House, as I was fighting for my Disability, the Debts grew over my Head, after 6 years I still have a bit left to pay of,
I live from Day to Day, there are Days I do not eat, normally just before my Disability goes in
So no do not pay it let him pay it and tell him to get a grip of himself and start using his own Money instead of yours
Stand your ground and do not pay I can not believe he is doing that to you
My Ex destroyed me, I still can not afford anything, do not let your Husband do that to you
Big Hugs to you
@tammyr (5946)
• Etowah, Tennessee
26 Apr 10
I agree with everyone else I guess. $330 is too much to pay for a room, no matter how "luxurious" it is. I would try to find a Super 8 or Family Inn somewhere outside of Ocean City and tell him you will not pay for THAT either!!
If he makes a good pay check you should never have to loan (i.e. give)him money. He should have at least paid for half of the dental bill as well!!
1 person likes this
@neildc (17239)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
27 Apr 10
hi marti. good to see you back posting here again. but i feel so sad about this one. i thought you really are having a good time now since, for the last few months, i really never heard of something about him. and if i can remember well, you were about to leave him. sorry for that marti. i just can't help to mention about that. that one stuck in my head and even my wife had a mention about that the last time she read your posts.
i will probably get a hotel or an even cheaper room if i would be there, i guess. that seems to be so expensive for us. $300.00 is too much. and if the hosts, the soon to be wed partners will not get us a room and there is no cheaper rooms available in the place, i don't think we will be attending.
i remember, just 2 weeks ago when my wife's niece got wed in the city. all the expenses where shouldered by them, not by the visitors. they got some rooms in the hotel before the wedding. they got vehicles rented for those who were coming from the province. they got rooms for the entourage at the place of the reception.
definitely, marti, i won't pay for that.
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
27 Apr 10
Hi Neil. I wish the hosts would pay for everything! I have the feeling they could if they wanted because my husband's niece finished college last year and has been working as an accountant since that time. They make pretty good money. Her fiance makes good money, too. But, that's not the case.
I think this is something his whole family is like, though. He was married before and raised his step-daughter from the age of 5 until she was in college. She got married in a civil ceremony and afterward was planning a big wedding so everyone could attend. This was while my husband was unemployed. She called him and asked if he would give her $400.00 to help pay for this wedding! I was shocked!!! She was already married, after all. She didn't need this wedding. I told my husband there was no way we were paying a penny toward her wedding, even if he had been working at the time. He and I did not have a wedding, we had a civil ceremony.
Well, I'm not paying for this hotel room. I don't even know if we'll be going at this point because he hasn't mentioned it since I told him I wouldn't pay for the room. I was kind of hurt, anyway, the way the invitation to this wedding came. It was addressed to "Uncle Bob and Marti"... not Aunt Marti! That hurt me but I still wish her the very best and hope her wedding is as nice as it can be.
I know what! He promised to take me out to dinner for my birthday but that hasn't happened (as I expected). I'll tell him to use the money he would have spent on taking me out to dinner and giving me a gift (which also didn't happen) and use it for that room.
I'm still here with him because I love the land and what I've done with it, planting so many fruit/nut trees, berry bushes, kiwis, strawberries, etc. I always feel very good and happy when I'm out in the garden.
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
27 Apr 10
I would send him to the wedding by himself and let him sort out his own accommodation! Your husband reminds me of my sister’s ex; he begrudges paying for his daughter’s dental bill but is happy to blow $400 the next day on a hotel room for himself and his seven year old child! He is a complete financial loser; he earned over $100,000 last year and yet had to borrow money to buy himself a car! He is extremely selfish and has no common sense whatsoever! Sorry to go on about him but he infuriates me and what you were saying about your husband sounds so much like my sister’s words… Don’t bother with him and whatever you do, don’t pay for anything else! Put yourself first...
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
28 Apr 10
Honestly..I think you have paid way more than you need to be paying. I think your husband is taking that money for granted and doesn't quite understand that your money is your money. Please don't get me wrong..I know that you are married and sharing is part of that but at the same time..everyone needs to be pulling their weight. You are...he can too. What's wrong with crashing on the sister's couch if he is invited to do so and it saves some money. To be honest..if I were in your position, I might even have money put back that no one knew of but me. You never know when an emergency might happen and that money is needed.
1 person likes this
@Cutie18f (9546)
• Philippines
27 Apr 10
No, don't pay for it. Your husband has abused your kindness. It is time you put a stop to this. You're the woman here and he's the man. It seems like he has been too dependent financially on you. It is not a good sign. I wouldn't want to continue living with that kind of person who seems to be sucking all the blood you have in you.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
27 Apr 10
I think you did the right thing. Putting aside the fact that you are sharing expenses (you seem to be doing 'most' of the sharing though), you have done your share for the wedding...you got the gift and did everything else.
If your husband wants a room at the hotel where the reception is going to take place, he can pay for it...that's the least he can do.
1 person likes this
@mimpi1911 (25464)
• India
27 Apr 10
Marty you got to be smart and tell him NO. He must get the message loud and clear this time. You have already spend a fortune on him but not any more. Just put your foot down. This much you can do, if not leave him. and keep us updated. We all love you.
1 person likes this
@elitess (5070)
• Ipswich, England
27 Apr 10
Hi there my dear friend. Excuse me to say so, but from what you have written here he sound like a real a...hole. Well this might be a bit to direct, but it sure seams like that when he continuously tries to take your money and even attempts to take the retirement funds as well. Seeing how he is earning pretty good himself, you should have a serious talk with him... I mean as long as he's supposed to take care of you and you are taking care of him instead... this seams like a dim situation - a change is needed, from him, from you or from both.
PS: your feelings are perfectly natural !
1 person likes this
@commanderxo (1494)
• Canada
3 May 10
Far be it from to "criticize" anyone's marriage, but I think your hubby expects just a little too much.
I'm with you girl.
If hubby wants to go to this wedding, then it's about time he fork over a bit 'o dough towards it.
After all, it's his family.
If not, then tell him:
"We're not going...and that's final. YOU can deal with your family later, when you tell them WHY we couldn't go!"
That's my take on it anyway.
Cheers;
cdrxo
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
3 May 10
Hey, cdrxo! He went by himself.
On Friday, I asked him what the itinerary was for Saturday and he told me we'd be driving there for the wedding and reception, then driving back that night. This is a five-hour trip, one way! He refused even to pay for one night in a cheaper hotel.
I told him he could go by himself because there's no way I could handle a day like that, with no resting. Five hours in one position (riding in the car) would have me in so much pain I'd have to take a strong pain med which would put me to sleep. He should know that but he rarely uses his brain for anything other than work.
I enjoyed the heck out of my day alone, though. It's so relaxing around here when he's gone. That's so sad to say but it's true. I get so much more done around here without him around, including housework.
One thing I'm taking maybe a bit too much joy in is that, since he's been home, he's had 4 ticks on himself, one was imbedded in his scalp. I think he brought them home with him from this trip or it's because he never puts Frontline on his cat and she goes out all the time. I told him I wouldn't touch his cat to put Frontline on her because she's so mean. She would tear me to shreds! It's up to him. I put Frontline on my cat and dogs, the least he can do is put it on his own cat!
Besides, someone from myLot mentioned eating pickles (for the vinegar) because they help to keep bugs off you. I told him about this, plus I eat a pickle a day but he rarely touches them. I haven't had a single tick on me this year.
He knows I'm displeased about this weekend and the way he handled things. He's trying to be nice, which is typical of him whenever he knows I'm not happy with him. He'll keep it up, too, unless I start talking about what's on my mind. As long as I keep my mouth shut, he's wondering what I'm thinking about but wouldn't ask me, even if his life depended on it. When I'm upset, I clam up. He knows this. I kinda like having him off-balance. Aren't I bad?
@commanderxo (1494)
• Canada
4 May 10
I sorry to hear that you didn't get to go to the wedding. If it were me, I wouldn't have the nerve to show up without my wife. I wouldn't want to make up excuses for her not being with me. People can tell if you're lying or not, especially family.
Not only that...I wouldn't have the nerve to put my WIFE through that kind of grueling pressure, when I'd know it'd be impossible for her to handle, given her physical condition. I'd have to be either completely insensitive, or just don't give a sh*t about HER feelings.
Oh well, what's done is done I 'spose. According to your statement, you seem to have gotten the better of the deal weekend-wise, anyway...but I think his family would've liked to have seen you there too.
Now, as far as Frontlining the animals goes (we here call it Advantage - same thing), we apply it every six months. In fact, our vet sends us a note, reminding us; "It's that time again". Tics and fleas, we never have a problem with.
I mean, our animals may not be #1 on the health-front, but at least we take care of their needs.....and if your hubby's got tics, then I guess you could say; "he's really in a pickle", or perhaps, should be eating them.
Lastly...
What woman wouldn't be worth their weight in gold, if they didn't at least, have a little "bad" in them? Hmmm?
:-*
cdrxo
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
2 Dec 10
I suppose this is where my family is very different from a lot of other families. We combine all of our money together in order to pay our bills and also to do the fun things that we want to do as a family. We've always had a policy of his money is my money and vice versa. That said, I wouldn't pay for it entirely since you have different finances, but I would at least agree to pay for half of it since you will be going as well.
@LittleMel (8742)
• Canada
17 Dec 10
you will need all the proofs you need
if you take him to court, make sure you get everything that he owes you
tell them everything you said on here
usually if it's marriage, you can get at least half
$ 50,000 and more, is good enough, don't you think?
keep mentioning your health situation, it will help big time