Dealing in absolutes

I used to, but a little over 10 yrs ago, I learned that your ideas, criticisms and suggestions were taken much more readily when spoken as a 'suggestion' instead of a demand or with a negative connotation to it. I tend to tell them up front (mostly my spouse), that if it was presented in a more pleasant, and less critical or demanding way, it would be more likely that I would consider it. Otherwise, I dismiss it.

Good Afternoon Dawn, I agree I'm more likely to be receptive to talking if I'm not feeling like right off the bat that I'm being attacked, and put into defensive mode. I try hard not too attack, but make positive recommendations. I don't think this is easy for most people today. I say this because it seems that so many people complain about everything, they just aren't happy individuals. Unhappy people try to lay blame on others and go straight for the attack. That of course is just my 2 cents worth and have no facts to back it up.

I do try to use the positive and not attack someone...being more of a diplomat...I think when you attack someone you put them on the defense right away and it does nothing for anyone....too bad we can't all be diplomatic in dealing with this kind of conversation.

Hi dawnald, Oh I've been guilty of talking like that but I try not to. I know that it is wrong. I'm very sensitive and I try to be aware of what words I choose when I'm upset with someone. Still, I have to admit that there have been times when I've been guilty of it and I do go an apologize and make it clear that the words were said in a moment of upset.

They do it for the shock value. After all I'm going to die, sounds so much more serious than I hurt a lot. It is really best to questions these absolutes especially when voiced by children, it is not a good habit for them to get into. I really love the one I'm going to die if. My response to that is oh, should we plan for your final resting place. This usually take the wind out of that sail. It doesn't always work so well with adults but with them you can carry it further to make the point.

Well, the "you always / you never" sounds more dramatic . . . it can jab a person harder. Plus it's more like "blaming". With parenting, they say you can get better results/reactions by using a better choice of words and I think for the most part that's true . . . but let's face it . . . many of us "at the time" blurt out what gets to the point, at least towards adults . . . and sometimes the other person doesn't take you seriously unless you do so. I guess I'm used to drama queens and kings around me . . . but in a sense, I can sense what the real story is by the way they talk. And do I do that myself? Perhaps sometimes, but I really make a conscious effort to think about what I say and how I say it.

There are some people in my life who frequently use the absolutes. Luckily I do not live with them. I tend to let the phrases just slip on by me and do not acknowledge them. I may even answer reflectively . . ."I know that you feel I never come see you, but . . ." I tried to raise my kids that way, as well. Some psychology class or something that I took is where I learned that using the absolte phrases is not a valid way to relate.

I never say anything I don't mean. I always will listen to others. understand what they are trying to say? maybe. if someone said i never clean , I would say so? But I have said it and I mean it, I will die if i lose my guy. I mean the part of me that keeps me happy and makes me Want to keep living will cease to exist. so even if I don't end my life, I mean stop breathing, My life Will be over.So I do use absolutes All the time.

i think i do. not often, but i do. because i never thought it's bothersome. well now, i'll be more careful.^_^

I NEVER deal in absolutes. They seem so......final. I ALWAYS take the opposite point of view. You know? The glass is half full, not half empty. ;-) Truthfully, these terms of "never" and "always", I classify them as; "Dumb D". Yup, you read it correctly. You see...I like to play this little game of "Dumb D" whenever I hear them, just to see if people are really listening to themselves speak. I repeat the word back to the person in a high-pitched voice, while raising my eyebrows and cocking my head to the side. "You always do that???" "You mean, you never???" It's amazing how they stop themselves when they realize how dumb, and most likely, untruthful it sounds. "Uh, well, not allllways." "No, not neeeever." Here's the behavioral response game of language types of people: A - is for adamant. B - is for benevolent. C - compares the A's and the B's. D - is for dumb. (Always?...Never?...Have to?...Must?...Can't?...etc.) Watch for these "types" in play. You'll see how crazy, and REAL, this actually happens.....and you'll be educating the person in the process. Believe me, it WILL change how you or they speak, for the better. Cheers; cdrxo

Hi Dawn, I used to be that way - but I never knew that it hurt others. A lot of it was explained why it hurt others. So I understood, and realized that if only I could correct my way of expressing - I would have more friends and keep them too. :)

Ok, i am only going to say this once. Please try and remember that. I am deaf in my one ear and the other one are dreadfully spitefull. I cannot stand people sulking that way. I would just die if i have to talk and be like that. TATA.

This is also a way of living life for some people.and in world every brain is different from another brain, i like to solve the problems of people or to help them as per mine capacity..

I do not take criticism well in general, but especially not when words like you never. or you always are used. My husband and I have been going through that face recently since he finished his time with the Navy and he's home now. I think its just him having to readjust to civilian life, because we didnt have these tyw of conversations beforehand. With him doing deployments I have always ran the home and taken care of the kids, now that he's home we wants to take part in everything and its driving me crazy because Im use to my ways and routines. Its not fair to say people always act a certain way and never do things to your liking. That is not a way to encourage or support a person, or helpful to guide them in the right direction. It takes time and patients for people to change habits, people would be less likey to show effort and progess with this sort of critism. Because through my experience when its said that a always do this or that, in my mind I'm through listening to you and just thinking,"you are f***ing crazy I know I don't do that all the time". People shut down and zone out to your feelings and demands when they are not spoke to respectfully and properly. Communication and expression are key to any good relationship, personal or professional.

No I do think I do I express myself better then that

Exaggeration is a form of insecurity and a boost to self esteem. By pointing a finger at someone else, ones own self esteem rises. If someone accuses me of "you always . . ." or "you never . . ." I'll usually admit to an offence or two but point out the error of the exaggeration. I try not to use such terms myself, but being a redhead I guess my passionate nature overcomes logic and tact sometimes. No one is perfect.

Once upon a time when I was very young and thought life was a fairy tale and I was the lead princess, I would have such thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we just blurt out what we are feeling using the first words that come into our head, not thinking first, like a child does. If you're squabbling with your partner and start to pull the "You always... "You never.... the partner who is accused will go pffft and stop paying attention because you are talking rubbish, bullshyte, rot, carp. As for feelings when a couple separate...it should always be elation because 1) you're free!!. 2) you get to wipe your slate clean and have a fresh start.. 3) you feel like you've thrown a burden off your shoulders and you didn't even know you had one.. 4) so, it didn't work, then it wasn't meant to be...move on already!

All the time....I too am guilty of doing that at times, but try to curb myself from putting it that way.the other day I got really mad with my maid.She and I share the gardening work, I water the plants and she sweeps the grounds.She has this habit of sweeping the dry leaves behind the flower pots and leave them there for days and I felt that I had the right to use the adjective "Always" you always do it...LOL and thankfully she agreed ...But within the family it would be quite another matter

However much one tries to polish the way of to admonish, the absolutes do slip in. Sometimes due to exasperation too. Happens also when familiarility exists. What you suggest is a good practice, particularly in work environment. But is that always possible in informal chats? In life one cannot always be tight jacketed.

well there are people that comes from different countries here on mylot. they might have different version on their english language but after all we still understand what they mean, right? and our english language is different from them too. well what matters most is we understand each other here doesn't matter how you express it as long as it follows through the guidelines..! that's what I think!