Is This Disrespectful or What?
By EvrWonder
@EvrWonder (3571)
Canada
May 4, 2010 1:16am CST
I am baffled, turning to my MyLot fellow members to please help me out here.
I am also at my wits end.
The resolution I seem to always conclude this with is that I want to just go far far away.
Here's the continuing saga.
There are two certain people who can be the nicest people ever but way too often either of them will either drop in or call, without even as much as saying hi never mind how are you doing or what are you up to and just start unloading a tonne of negative crud. I can't get a word in edge wise.
I find this extremely annyoing.
It brings me down.
I can be in my element or busy doing something and suddenly I have this upon me.
The ultimate worst is when I am brushing my teeth about to head to bed and I get a call.
The strangest is the opening. The muttering of whatever it is they have to go on about, often I can not even make out most of what they are saying, just that they are going on about something, all negative, complaining about whatever it is going on in their life, that never has anything to do with me, at all.
I will find a way, usually when they stop to take a breath that I will say hey I am just heading to bed but they go on and on. I have to finally say look, I got to go to bed and proceed to explain my schedule the next day. Like it is any of their business or that they could even care a less, they just keep going on.
\Can you believe this? I can hardly and have a really hard time understanding why these people think that I am some sort of disposal, trash can that they can unload their crud on.
It is really really bothering me to no end.
Close friends have told me not to put up with it.
I have told them to not do this to me. Do not call me and unload your stuff on me and that I have my own problems to deal with.
I have even said that I will not be tolerating this type of behavior.
That I don't want any part of it.
What gets me is that they don't bother asking me how I am doing much less even say Hi. They will not ask me what I am doing either. Like there is no consideration to what I may be doing at the time. It is like they must not even consider the fact that I have to drop whatever I am doing to lend my ear.
Don't get me wrong, I am a true friend, generous and caring. I am there for my friends and care deeply for those who are in my circle of friends.
Although I can not be used as a trash bin at their disposal because I have my own life too as well as my own problems which I do not unload on anyone. Instead I deal with it on my own or find someone who is willing, has the time and can help me if needed.
What do we call this type of behavior that is put onto me?
How would you deal with it?
Have you ever been faced with a similar problem and if so, how have you dealt with it?
I just can not take it anymore. All advice is encouraged and I take to heart every word I read.
It seems that I can set boundaries but they are not respected, at all.
These two people happen to be family members.
It is a tough situation.
I can be firm but I am not rude.
I can cut people off from even contacting me if I have to but would rather not have to go to that extreme.
Tonight was another incident.
I was online trying to get caught up on my things.
The internet was slow and my browser crashed.
I just shut down and went for a nice long walk with my dog.
The best counter reaction for me!
It was nice.
Once I got back, I had discussed this with another family member, asking why do they do this.
We concluded that we don't know.
I suggested maybe it is because of their addictions. One is an alcoholic and the other is a drug addict. Great!
I closed the topic by adding that I just want to go far far away where no one can bother me. After thinking about that it is like Why should I?
How else do I deal with this, considering the fact I have set out boundaries but then even that is being totally disrespected as if they forgot or didn't take me seriously.
Well we had some laughs about things totally unrelated and now here I am. Stopping in to Mylot before heading to bed.
Hopefully there will be some sound advice next time I log in and can assure you that all views are highly appreciated. I could really use some sensible suggestions here.
This has got to stop! Thanks all.
4 people like this
8 responses
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
4 May 10
It sounds like it's time to tell them bye-bye. If I were you, I wouldn't be answering my phone if I know it's them calling. I'd tell them, once more, not to call me with all their problems until they get their lives straightened out, then just stop answering the phone, at least until I had heard that they were getting help for their addictions.
I have a friend very much like this. She used to call me and unload all her problems on me, exactly as these two people do to you. She never asked me if I was busy or if she was interrupting something. Even when I told her she was, she would continue talking about her problems.
Many times, she would tell me that she was going to kill herself because of her problems. I'd talk her out of that attitude and actually believe she called me just so I'd talk her out of it. Of course, I knew she wasn't serious because she wouldn't have called me and tell me that if she had been serious.
Still, one time in particular, when I was having some serious problems of my own and she started right in with killing herself because blah blah blah, I told her to go ahead and do it, then. I let her know that I was having my own serious problems and was sick of hearing her talk about killing herself all the time. I said, "Go on and do it then" and I hung up. After about 10 minutes, she called me back and apologized. She's been much better since then, although she does need a reminder every now and then.
These two family members of yours are taking advantage of you. They want you to listen but don't care about you. I honestly think that the only way you'll get relief is if you tell them that you're tired of them calling you whenever they feel like it and unloading their problems on you when they can't even pretend to care about you, then hang up on them.
Hey, I'm a nice person and, if I can hang up on my best friend, you can hang up on these two. Believe me, you may be doing them more good than you realize if you do hang up on them. It might just be the slap in the face they apparently need to see what they're doing to you (and probably others, too).
Good luck!
@EvrWonder (3571)
• Canada
5 May 10
Hey Zed, I'll second that.
Hi mental, thank you for your response. I appreciate what you have said.
I have done what you have said. One thing I found out the hard way is that people with those sort of problems can be very manipulative as well as able to avoid the truth and even lie.
OMG, you do know someone who acts exactly the same. Do you have any idea as to why they will do this, even when you say that you are busy they will continue to go on and on with such disregard? It puzzles me so. I can not figure it out.
Oh yeah, I have heard that about killing herself too. I get right upset when she does that and have told her that I don't have to listen to this and wont. I say good bye and hang up. What a pile of B.S. to have to listen to stuff like that. Plleeease!!
Good point about that she wouldn't of called if she were serious. I agree.
Haha, yes just like you, I was dealing with my own crud and suddenly I got one of those calls and I said the same when she started going on about killing herself.
I said then just do it then and the subject changed to something more to rant about as if she never expressed wanting to kill herself at all.
As you have said as well, she hasn't said anything about killing herself since.
I hear what you are saying regarding these two family members and I agree, even though they say their feeling for me are otherwise. Sure makes on wonder.
I feel that hanging up on them is stopping to their level because they do that when I put my foot down and say look, I have had a long day and I am tired. Or when they say something stupid in their ranting and I say so.
For whatever reason, after stating my own feelings and setting boundaries, IE: Don't unload your sh*t on me any more I am not a damb trash can, it still doesn't stop.
One day they can be really nice and sound somewhat normal but then they will do it again. What a pile of cr*p. Such a waste of time.
It is a good idea anyway to hang up on them when they call ranting again. I get your point and will keep this in mind. I will let my boundaries be known again and when it happens again after that, I will just hang up.
I have done that before by the way. The result is them continuing to call, maybe not right back but within a day or so. I have avoided answering their calls. They keep calling.
Then what happens is they will call my Dad, with whom I speak with and visit with often. Whatever they tell him, he ends up calling me and telling me to call so and so that they said that they can't get ahold of you. I am straight up with my Dad and he understands where I am coming from. Perhaps next time, I will call him immediately to let him know what is really up and that he doesn't have to get a hold of me when they start calling him because they can't get a hold of me.
Sounds like a damb soap opera. Something I do not do well. I refuse to be a part of this saga. I have to deal with it once and for all.
I have been trying.
Sometimes, too often, I think that the only way to get solitude from this is to move away, far far away.
I have taken each of your words into serious consideration and appreciate your response, a lot. Thank you.
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
4 May 10
Hi EvrWonder,
I can relate to this and my heart goes out to you. As I read your story I kept hoping that these people were not family members but then you said they were which makes it a bit more complicated. I am a magnet for these kind of people mainly because I really am sympathetic and do have a lot of trouble turning away someone with a problem. It's true that when you spend time with someone that is upset, you do take on some of their hurt, anger or whatever. You know how a smile and happy thoughts are uplifting and tend to spread happiness? Well so do negative moods. I don't mind doing this for friends who have an occasional bad time at all. It's when someone calls and stops over all the time just to vent that it is too much. You also mentioned that these people are addicts. Thats probably the problem right there. Family or not you need to get thru to put an end to this even if it means being rude and maybe breaking off the ties entirely.I would tell them that they need to call before coming to your house. If they show up ...don't answer the door. If they call and you are not up to talking to them, don't pick up the phone. If you don't have caller ID pick it up and as soon as they start in say, I'm sorry. I'm busy . I'll talk to later and then hang up the phone. You are right...they don't care about YOU. You put up with them while others don't so they will call you and they don't care if they are bothering you or not. You still tolerate them.
2 people like this
@EvrWonder (3571)
• Canada
5 May 10
Hey sid, you are right, with them being family it does make it more complicated that is for sure!
Sure I believe sharing with a friend lifts half of the weight of a problem.
I agree that what we put out to the universe we get back ten fold, positive or negative.
Oh yeah, the addiction problems are the root of it all I feel.
Their behavior is much different when they are not impaired.
There are times that I do not answer the call and if someone comes to the door it doesn't mean I have to answer it.
I have set guidelines for visits. Call first. If they don't I don't answer.
I like the response about "sorry I am busy" and hang up. Never thought of that. Thanks for your advice.
They are like one day nice and what seems like caring and then other days they are the worst wanting to unload their cr*p on me.
Tolerating is a good word. I will remember this.
You are absolutely right! I appreciate your response more than you know. Thank you very much!
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
4 May 10
I don't let people use me. Seriously, I would just tell them outright that their complaining is not going to improve their situation and it might make it worse. I would go right to the point. The fact is I basically do not answer the phone unless the caller has an appointment to talk with me, made by e-mail or from a previous call or from meeting up somewhere in person. But if they somehow got through I would tell them I had to hang up and then I would do it. Family or not, you don't have to put up with this sort of thing unless YOU want to. Why be a co-dependent?
1 person likes this
@EvrWonder (3571)
• Canada
5 May 10
Wow drann; that is an excellent piece of advice to tell them that their complaining is not going to improve their situation and it might make it worse.
I like the idea of having an appointment to call or visit.
I understand. I didn't think I was being co-dependent but perhaps I am. I will look closer at this. Thank you for pointing this out. I have been considering going to alanon. What do you think? Instead I have been reading a lot online and have learned so much. I am not so sure I am into taking the time out to attend meetings.
You are right I do not have to put up with this sort of thing, unless I want to. Which I do not so thanks a bunch! You wise. I appreciate your response. Thank you.
1 person likes this
@EvrWonder (3571)
• Canada
7 May 10
Yes and my backbone is getting stronger daily. I have never really had a problem saying no when I have to. Thanks for your comment.
@EvrWonder (3571)
• Canada
5 May 10
Thank you zed. I have also cut the situation short saying that I have to go for one reason or another but is only a temporary fix. I know what you mean about it getting on your nerves. So annoying as well. i appreciate your response and thank you kindly.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20216)
• United States
4 May 10
Well you are allowing this, considering the problems these people face you are just going to have to be very strong and blunt with them. The next time you deal with either one you will need to insist on some positive conversation from them.
Just tell them that you are their friend but you can't stand all their negative
output, would they please think of something positive to say. Be prepared for hurt feelings, people like them are so self centered that they can't see anything from someone else's point of view. But hang in there, and maybe they will think about this and value your friendship enough to make the effort to change. Then you can both celebrate because slowly this positive thinking will start to invade their lives. Blessings
1 person likes this
@EvrWonder (3571)
• Canada
5 May 10
Hi savy, thank you kindly for responding. I suppose to a degree I am infact allowing this. It has been rather trying, to say the least.
I know what you mean about having to be very strong, you are right. I have no problem being firm.
You know, I have often replied in response to the garbage in saying "now say something positive". I go as far as explaining that all the negative brings me down and that I don't need it.
Some days are better than others but the crud in large degrees still ocur way too often for my liking and so I can see that I again am going to have to put my foot down sort of speak.
Try again I guess and again and again..
Sometimes I hear how they appreciate my friendship but then there is a flip side and not that they don't like me as a friend at those times but they use me to unload a tonne of what I find as garbage. Their rants, their problems etc. Meanwhile...
Makes me very tired.
I will think more about your response and definitely make a point to stand up for myself once again.
I know that people can not change another however. People are who they are. I just want to be left out of the negative crud. I have even voiced that too. My life is so not that way. I do not deal with any problems I may face in the same way and so do not want anyone to expect me to take it.
I have tried so many ways to get my point across, to avoid me when you feel the need to unload but I seem to still get hit with it.
What is worse is if it is a phone call and they start going on and on and on and I say hey look I have had a long day and I am tired or something like please do not yell at me, it never fails, the conversation ends with them just hanging up on me without even saying okay then, Goodbye.
Next time I hear from them or see them it is like nothing ever happened. The strangest thing.
Well, thanks again for your thoughts. I appreciate what you have had to say.
@redhotpogo (4401)
• United States
4 May 10
Talk to them, and tell them what they are doing is wrong. Sometimes you have to put your own self aside, even if its always about them. These people need help, help that you can't really give them, but you can offer them your time. The more they are talking to you, the less time they will have to do these stupid things.
1 person likes this
@EvrWonder (3571)
• Canada
5 May 10
Good Point Red Hot. I agree and I do volunteer my time a lot. So much that I hardly ever have time for myself and I do simply listen. This is why when I am trying to do my own thing or am out of town and I get these troublesome calls it really annoys me. I have tried to talk to them, several times. It just goes on and on.
Thank you for your response. You make good sense.
@redhotpogo (4401)
• United States
5 May 10
I totally know where you are coming from. I get the same thing. People come to me with all kinds of problems. People I don't even know, and have never met before will come up to me, and just start telling me things that really they shouldn't tell anyone. It can be frustrating, and tiresome at times, but then I think maybe this is what I'm suppose to do. I know if it were me in their shoes I would want someone to listen to me. Not a doctor, but someone who would really listen.
@EvrWonder (3571)
• Canada
6 May 10
I get your point also red hot. It must seem odd for a complete stranger to start to spill their guts to you.. I have had this happen to me also. I know what you mean about just someone to listen to, to led an ear a shoulder to cry on.
Years ago, I was going through some seriously trying emotional problems. I found that writing things in my journal first thing, when the load always hit the hardest, I was good to go for the rest of the day. Keeping a journal to express your thoughts and feelings is an awesome way to get things out of ones system and spares your friends for the rest of the day. It worked really good for me anyway. Thanks for your comment.
@LittleMel (8742)
• Canada
7 May 10
I don't know what else to suggest rather than say "gotta go" and hang up
or you can tell them that they are adults, they need to get over their addictions and then hang up
They can't consider it rude, if you already told them a lot of times that you have your own life and they shouldn't be treating you like garbage bins
plus -- they don't even ask how are you and so on
this means they don't care about you, all they care about is dumping garbage on you
rude or disrespectful? well they are the ones disrespectful LOL
being family member is even more reason to be firm about this
if you are not firm, then you can't stop it
@EvrWonder (3571)
• Canada
7 May 10
Very Good Point Little!
If I am not firm I can not stop it and thank you for mentioning your view on whether or not this was disrespectful since that was my question in the first place. I think it is.
When they don't even ask me how I am doing or even what I am up to when they call, it makes one wonder. Even when they are not ranting and just call otherwise, they still do not ask me how I am doing or what I am up to. I often have to say well I have to go eat dinner now, then they may say oh okay then, enjoy. Or continue on by asking me what I am having for dinner and elaborate on what they are having, whcih takes another five minutes or so..
I swear the behavior is addiction related more than anything else.
I mean if I am talking with someone on the phone and they say they have to go have dinner I will simply say Ok, then enjoy. Talk to ya later.
Anyway, as I have mentioned in previous responses, I am working on this. I really appreciate your response and thank you dearly.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
7 May 10
I hate to hear that you are being disrespected in that manner. It is hard enough with friends..but family members are even worse because they think they have "special" rights. That's probably why they continue on. They think they are excusable. I would screen my calls. If you have already told them..it's not going to do much good to try it again. You can if you want but I would just suggest turning the phone off at a certain time and being done with it.
@EvrWonder (3571)
• Canada
7 May 10
Thanks a bunch Jen. I agree although at times that is not an option.
I liked the comment about making an appointment.
I am planning on starting another at home endeavor that will require no outside disturbances and everyone will be alerted or else! This I think will help tremendously.
You are right about friends vs family and that about rights.
I am working on this.
So far so good to this day anyway.
Since posting this I have had two calls from one and all has been good. Emails from the other that are short and non abusive.
Thanks for responding and have an awesome day!
