So insecure over my wife's ex-fiance
By melloncollie
@melloncollie (661)
Philippines
May 6, 2010 5:49pm CST
My wife and I have been together for quite some time now. We've been through a lot already. But somehow whenever I hear about her ex-fiance, I still feel really insecure right into the pit of my stomach.
I know I shouldn't be feeling this because we are together. Whenever I tell her about what I feel she just answers me with, "Am I not here with you? Isn't that enough?
For me it isn't. They've been through a lot as well. More than what we've been through, because their relationship lasted for 7 years. I always have this thinking in my head that if my wife was able to leave the guy after everything they've been through together... and everything he has done for her... then I guess, I have a right to feel insecure and scared. She left him after all those things. He basically raised her (as what she used to say, she was still 17 when they started dating) What more me?
What I've done for my wife is nothing compared to what the last guy did for her. So I always have this fear that one day, my wife will leave me too. 
1 person likes this
16 responses
@melloncollie (661)
• Philippines
7 May 10
Thanks dear friend! It really is amazing how people see each other eye to eye. I am ever so blessed to have someone like you.
@emdyey09 (264)
• Philippines
7 May 10
You know, I really think you should stop comparing yourself to the ex because that isn't healthy and it is not definitely helping your relationship with your wife. It may be very difficult to set aside that thinking but you just have to try very hard not to think about it if you really love your wife.
The ex has nothing to do with your life now so stop dragging him to it. It's just unfair for all of you involved.
Insecurity is something you've to deal with yourself.
Ask your wife to help you battle this insecurity with her ex. Be particular with the things she has to do to make you feel secure with your marriage.
But in the end, it really will boil down to mind conditioning.
Just stop being paranoid and insecure and focus on making good memories with your wife.
Past is past. Let the present preoccupy you.
@melloncollie (661)
• Philippines
7 May 10
Thank you for that wonderful response. You are right. Insecurity is something we do have to deal with ourselves. I've tried to bluntly ask my wife for help. But I always feel like I'm being shoved away. That I shouldn't be opening it because I know what response I would get from her, and it's always the same.
This feeling is eating me up to pieces.
@geniustiger (1694)
• Philippines
7 May 10
I think you dont have to insecure with your wife.
She is there with you meaning she loves you so
much. Unless if you saw something that can cause
you for that feeling then you have the right for it.
I guess there's nothing to worry at all , she is with
you all the time, care and everything. Just give the best
thing she wants and I'm sure your wife will be glad and
happy for you. You will have the insecurity if you could
observed something that could make your relationship bad.
But if nothing then just do what is your obligation as a
partner to her.
@melloncollie (661)
• Philippines
7 May 10
Believe me when I say that I have been doing the best I can. I have never been this GOOD. 
I am trying my best to show her that I am willing to do anything for her. I just don't feel she ever appreciates them. Because it is rooted in her mind that I SHOULD be doing it because it is my RESPONSIBILITY. When in fact, the extra mile I go for her is just me being sweet. Wanting her to feel that I might not be able to do things her past love was able to do for her, but there are million tiny things that I would do for her, that when put together would really mean a lot.
I am trying my best to show her that I am willing to do anything for her. I just don't feel she ever appreciates them. Because it is rooted in her mind that I SHOULD be doing it because it is my RESPONSIBILITY. When in fact, the extra mile I go for her is just me being sweet. Wanting her to feel that I might not be able to do things her past love was able to do for her, but there are million tiny things that I would do for her, that when put together would really mean a lot. 
@Grat15 (439)
• Singapore
7 May 10
Hi melloncollie,
I do not mean to patronize, just want to give advice.
You may be suspicious, but it has to be with a good reason. And better not show it to your wife. It would be uncomfortable, if the suspicion continue.
Good luck.
@melloncollie (661)
• Philippines
7 May 10
You think? So what's the best way to deal with it then? Act what? I fear that if I let this all pass.... time will come when I would feel numb already. I'm like this now because I care a lot about our relationship. If she's not happy with me, I guess I would have to let go so she could go to where she could truly be happy. 
@evepin (721)
• Philippines
6 May 10
awww dear, don't stress about it. your wife is right, she's with you, you have her, she loves you. don't let the past affect your relationship. i think you should put more faith into your marriage and your relationship with your wife. it might be a bad thing to always doubt that maybe she'll leave you because she was able to leave the other guy.
and don't say that what you have done is nothing compared to what the other guy did. there shouldn't be any comparison. a problem arises though if your wife begins to compare. now that is something major that you guys should talk about.
again, don't stress and let go of the past, which is not even yours. just always love your wife and show her how much you love her. that's actually all you can do.
@evepin (721)
• Philippines
7 May 10
Two things perhaps. One, possibly your ego. The feeling that you should be her No. 1 in everything, that you're the best in her eyes. Normal I guess for people. Sometimes I feel that way too towards my husband. That I should be the best cook, sweetest, most beautiful, etc for him.
Two, maybe when she said that just think that she was just being insensitive that time and for a moment she forgot she was talking to her husband. but you have to talk to her also and be honest with her, like tell her of the telltale signs that you picked up, and that you're wondering if those are real or just figments of your imagination.
in my opinion, maybe its best if both of you don't talk about your past relationships, for now at least. you are very sensitive to that topic and i'm just afraid doing so at this time will put an little hole in your relationship as husband and wife.
@melloncollie (661)
• Philippines
7 May 10
I thought so to. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea talking about past relationships. Maybe we should have not done it.
Of course I want to be her No. 1. Who wouldn't. Securing myself in that position means a lot. SECURE. SECURITY. It of course means that everything she needs is in me. No reason for her to look sideways or any way for that matter. 
@ReverendDox (13)
• United States
6 May 10
This is a hard question to answer. There are so many things that can be playing in to this situation.
1) Depression
2) Signs of cheating
3) Low self esteem.
4) Lack of communication in the marriage.
Each one or any combination of these things can be lending to this problem. First step is to have an open talk with her. Both of you need to be honest and open with each other. For any relationship to work we all need to have open and honest communication. Once that is gone the relationship follows.
Second both of you need to work to find out which one or what combination of these affects is causing this for you. Than you can be on the way to fixing this.
@melloncollie (661)
• Philippines
7 May 10
I tried to tell her every day but she just replies in defense sometimes even in anger. I cannot make her understand.
Signs of cheating? Who me? Or her?
(1) Depression - yes I think I am depressed. Started drinking again every day.
(2) Signs of cheating - definitely not me
(3) Low self esteem - yes I don't feel good about myself anymore
(4) Lack of communication - how???
@donsky14 (5947)
• Philippines
6 May 10
I know how you feel, I'm still insecure over my husband's first girlfriend. But if you dwell over the past, you know, things will be affected in the present and future. So, instead of dwelling over that, try to show your wife that you really love her and be happy with your relationship now. So that your wife will see how much you love her and how could any woman leave a man who shows that they really love their woman.
@melloncollie (661)
• Philippines
7 May 10
That's what she always tell me. "Don't dwell on the past." Like what I mentioned earlier from the first comment... there are signs which are very difficult for me just take for granted. 
@cream97 (29087)
• United States
6 May 10
Hi, melloncollie. I am sorry about your feelings towards your ex-fiance. I believe that your wife loves you. Are you more afraid of your wife leaving you for her ex? Or if she truly leaves you without it being related to him? I really do hope that you will not let this get you down. She loves you. And just being with you is just not enough. A man needs to feel that a woman heart is for him and only him. I guess that it why you are insecure because of this.
@melloncollie (661)
• Philippines
7 May 10
Yes that is true. I read one article awhile ago about rekindling passion in relationships. It tells a lot what a man and woman really needs about each other. You are right. Being with me is not enough. I also have an aching need to feel it. I really don't know... probably I'm just feeling this way because I'm not getting some... know what I mean? 
@syankee525 (6261)
• United States
7 May 10
one of the main word is raise. maybe that is why she left him she felt he was more of a father.
but i wouldnt stress over it, she is with you now. and that why he's the ex. if you worry over this too much and then this might be the reason if she does leave is because you are stressing with too much over this. trust is the big reason why realtionship dont work or last.
but good luck
and i dont worry about my life leaving, and she had lots of reasons to leave me before.
@jugsjugs (12967)
•
6 May 10
If you are married to her then at lesat she felt alot for you as she married you not the ex.I would not worry too much as this will cause a problem in your marriage.As long as your love towards each other is strong who cares what he has done for her in the past as you are now her husband so you are the future.If it is her on about her ex ask her why he was soo good and if he was that good why did she never marry him if he is that great.
@melloncollie (661)
• Philippines
7 May 10
One question still remains... what if she just married me because I'm the one who's always AROUND?
.
@cheatedaphrodite (810)
• Philippines
7 May 10
You feel insecure because you're living in the past. If you fear that someday your wife will do it to you as well then maybe she has a reason to. All ended relationships has reasons to end. It maybe your reason, she's reason or God's reason.
Don't do things that will allow your wife to leave you soon. However, in case she will despite all the things you've done for her then it's not your fault. She may have reasons to do but it will God's reason why it did happen.
For you not to feel insecurities,trust to your wife and above that, feel confident and proud of yourself. Your wife had you over her former boyfriend because she knows that you're more than worth it than the guy she had for a long time.
Long years do not really matter, what matters the most is the seconds you spent with each other where both felt how important you are to each other. Sweet memories spent in just a few hours are worth it than bad memories that lasted for years.
be the best that you can be. Good Luck!
:D
@LizTovartx2 (2)
• United States
7 May 10
Yes, she may have left her ex after all they went thru, but you have to grow to realize why she left him! She loves you without a doubt, cause she is still with you. You just have to refrain from being the opposite of the man of her dreams. Let your insecurities go and try to be the best person you can be for her!
