What is the use of being married to someone that you never pay any attention to?
By cream97
@cream97 (29085)
United States
May 27, 2010 11:23am CST
I am really fed up!
This has been going on for as long as I have been married to my husband. Me and my husband have been married for 8 years. It will be 9 years this coming July. But what I don't seem to grasp is that my father-in-law never really spends anytime with his wife. She has told me that he does not. And I have seen it for my own eyes. He will get up and leave for work in the mornings while she is asleep. He may come in and out that day, but he will end up leaving right back out again. He may come home to use the bathroom or just to get some tools that are piled up in the corner. It is like the same routine over and over and over again.
It gets boring and tiresome to see him this way with his wife. All of her kids know how he does her. They all do. They have talked to me about it. Mostly my husband, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. I don't say a word to him because my father-in-law is very country like. And when someone like me tries to help his wife out, he gets a really funny attitude. I can tell. If he would take more time out with his wife, then she would not be so lonely and bored. She seeks others to fulfill the time that her husband does not spend with her. But that will not work. She needs her husband at certain times. No one else can make that happen. The only reason why she comes to me and others all of the time is because her husband does not do anything for her. Take for instance this situation: She wanted me to help her study for her permit test. I helped her. But I was puzzled, I asked her if her husband would help her study too.. And she told me that he may not know what to study in the driver's manual book. C'mon get outta here!! Anyone that has their driver's license should be able to help a newbie study for their test.
I know that things have changed since he got his license many years ago, but that still does not excuse him of helping his wife study. I know that she did not want to ask him because he would not help her. He would see her studying at the kitchen table and he would never offer to help her. He knew how important that it was for her to be able to pass her permit test. Instead, me and my brother-in-law helped her study. Why does this man ignore her like this? He bore five children from this woman and he means to tell me that he ain't got no time for her??? I just don't get him!! A person is never too young or too old to dedicate time with the one that they love. There is just no excuse!
This has been going on for as long as I have been married to my husband. Me and my husband have been married for 8 years. It will be 9 years this coming July. But what I don't seem to grasp is that my father-in-law never really spends anytime with his wife. She has told me that he does not. And I have seen it for my own eyes. He will get up and leave for work in the mornings while she is asleep. He may come in and out that day, but he will end up leaving right back out again. He may come home to use the bathroom or just to get some tools that are piled up in the corner. It is like the same routine over and over and over again. It gets boring and tiresome to see him this way with his wife. All of her kids know how he does her. They all do. They have talked to me about it. Mostly my husband, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. I don't say a word to him because my father-in-law is very country like. And when someone like me tries to help his wife out, he gets a really funny attitude. I can tell. If he would take more time out with his wife, then she would not be so lonely and bored. She seeks others to fulfill the time that her husband does not spend with her. But that will not work. She needs her husband at certain times. No one else can make that happen. The only reason why she comes to me and others all of the time is because her husband does not do anything for her. Take for instance this situation: She wanted me to help her study for her permit test. I helped her. But I was puzzled, I asked her if her husband would help her study too.. And she told me that he may not know what to study in the driver's manual book. C'mon get outta here!! Anyone that has their driver's license should be able to help a newbie study for their test. I know that things have changed since he got his license many years ago, but that still does not excuse him of helping his wife study. I know that she did not want to ask him because he would not help her. He would see her studying at the kitchen table and he would never offer to help her. He knew how important that it was for her to be able to pass her permit test. Instead, me and my brother-in-law helped her study. Why does this man ignore her like this? He bore five children from this woman and he means to tell me that he ain't got no time for her??? I just don't get him!! A person is never too young or too old to dedicate time with the one that they love. There is just no excuse!5 people like this
14 responses
@dawnald (85139)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 10
Is it just him, or is it her too? By that, I mean does he not offer to help or does she not ask? Is he deliberately ignoring her when he knows she wants more of his time, or is he just clueless? Marriage is a two way street, and if she isn't communicating her needs, maybe he thinks she is happy with the way things are. On the other hand, if she does speak up and if he knows, I really wonder why she puts up with that. I would not...
3 people like this
@syndibee (799)
• United States
28 May 10
This is exactly my response.
She needs to communicate to him what she needs.
Maybe there are things about the relationship that neither you nor her children know and she doesn't care to share with you.
If she didn't want to live that way I don't think she would. When change is desired enough then change will occur because it will be sought.
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
28 May 10
I agree with dawnald and syndibee... I found this out in my own almost 20 year marriage.. I was talking to a friend and she pointed out that I was at fault to since I didn't make my wishes known and that my husband wasn't psychic no matter how much I wanted him to know what I thought I wanted and needed..we have to let them know...and then if things still don't change..then she needs to point some things out...and then follow through with what she says in the end..if she says if things don't change she is leaving...she needs to..even if the marriage is at a comfortable level...after all these years..there is someone out there that can and will appreciate her.. I am sure.
1 person likes this
@chirag2006 (123)
• China
27 May 10
i think u r true if u r marrige someone that means you have to love,understand and pay attention to them if u cant do it so why r u marrige them i think if u find person like that u should end ur relationship
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
7 Jun 10
Hi Cream that is so sad, I feel sorry for her and I wish she could find a way to confront him because this is not a Life for her at all
I hope that in time she will find the courage to confront him or to make a life of her own
@Kashmeresmycat (6369)
• United States
27 May 10
Awwww, did she ever talk with him about this, and tell him she needs more attention from him? What would happen if she cooked him a really special dinner with some candles...what would he do? I'm only asking because I don't know all these answers, and sometimes a good heart to heart talk helps. You can always pick up where you left off, if BOTH people want to. Maybe he's bored with her? What a shame this has happened. This usually sends another person away to find attention somewhere else, like a new partner, and it can be either one to leave. Wish I could help more.
2 people like this
@common_man (1799)
• India
27 May 10
Hi cream,
the situation you described is strange. There may be history why your FIL is not paying any attention to your MIL.
But i agree with you that in marriage both husband and wife need to interact with, love and care for each other, for happy married life.
2 people like this
@charylady (419)
• Philippines
28 May 10
why has your mother-in-law put up with this through all these years. seems to me this has been the situation for a long long time, even before you married your husband. they are getting on in years; can you imagine staying married and getting old with someone you cannot talk to?
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29085)
• United States
28 May 10
Hi, charylady. She has put up with this for too many years. Weigh before I even married my husband, she has!!! And it is such a shame that she could not strike up the courage to leave this man. He hardly even talks to her. If he does it is only for a short period of time. It is like he does not have time for her, that is what it seems like to me. I have watched him be this way with her for eight years. And, I know that it has been going on for many other years too. Her children have told me so, plus I have seen it for my very own eyes.
I have watched him be this way with her for eight years. And, I know that it has been going on for many other years too. Her children have told me so, plus I have seen it for my very own eyes.
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
28 May 10
It takes a lot of work to make a marriage work. Both parties have to work at it, not just one, to make it work. Some people just take the crap that's dished to them and not voice their concerns out of fear. Your mother in law sounds like one of those types which is really sad. It's really sad but there's really nothing you can do about it. She has to make it known to him herself or nothing will be done about it.... if he were to do anything anyways.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163773)
• Garden Grove, California
27 May 10
cream thats really odd but reminds me of somethings that went on with some people I knew and we all found out finally as the poor man was so embarrassed,he went thru school and junior college but he was illiterate, he had never learned to read, others
fed him his information and he managed to pass tests with some rather illegal goings on. what if your father in law does not really know how to read, just learned enough to drive but cannot really read. some illiterate people have ways to get by as they are too embarrassed or stubborn or both to just ask for help and learn to read. so see if you can find out as there are people who will tutor illiterate p eople and help them learn to read without embarrassing them at all.If he is not then I do not know what to make of it, he should be ashamed to treat his wife that way.
fed him his information and he managed to pass tests with some rather illegal goings on. what if your father in law does not really know how to read, just learned enough to drive but cannot really read. some illiterate people have ways to get by as they are too embarrassed or stubborn or both to just ask for help and learn to read. so see if you can find out as there are people who will tutor illiterate p eople and help them learn to read without embarrassing them at all.If he is not then I do not know what to make of it, he should be ashamed to treat his wife that way.1 person likes this
@celticeagle (172742)
• Boise, Idaho
28 May 10
I think it is called conditioning. If he grew up watching his father act this way then he feels it is common and excepted behaviour. Just one more reason why people should get to know eachother well before they get married. And marrying real young sometimes doesn't give a person time to figure out even what they want in a partner.
1 person likes this
@kiran8 (15348)
• Mangalore, India
28 May 10
Hi cream , it is sad what you write about your mother in law.But what about your father in law, does he have some activity which keeps him occupied or is he just whiling away his time? It must be pretty dull for him too...I guess in some marriages this happens when life becomes stagnant and the partners just carry on without actually enjoying things and liking it. i have seen many couple like this where one of the partner has completely lost interest and the other person suffers ...I really dont know how anyone else can help them unless they realise and do something about it..
1 person likes this
@la_chique (1498)
•
28 May 10
Maybe that's just what works for them and their relationship/personalities. If she didnt like the arrangement, surely she would have left by now? Myself and my partner were getting a little into a 'routine' so we had a chat about it a few weeks back, and that has helped things change but we're not the always together cuddling on the sofa types. They may spend quality time together rather than loads of time together. Who's to know what goes on behind closed doors.
@Professor2010 (20156)
• India
28 May 10
Hello cream this is really sad situation, they need to sit together, discuss over the matter, if possible you be the middle man to help them out, he will be grateful to you..thanks for sharing
Welcome always. 
Cheers.
Prof
Cheers.
Prof
1 person likes this
@himanshuorange (1145)
• India
27 May 10
hey this is really touching .....i have never seen something like this before.....i wish something happens to make them again live the life .....well i dont find any solution for this ..........well the only thing we can do is to hope for the good......well i expect you to love your mother in law and never let her feel ............anybody's absence in her life.........take care......your a brave woman....
1 person likes this
