Should my friend tell her daughter that her father might not be her father?

This is a very, very tricky situation. I can see what you're saying, and I can see what the Mother is saying. If she doesn't tell this girl, the girl might find out later on down the road. Things like this have a way of happening, completely out of nowhere. Her daughter might get REALLY upset with her for NOT knowing. Then again, she might never find out. Does she have the right to know? In my opinion, yes. Don't get upset now, haha. I would want to know, wouldn't you? If the girl is well balanced and had a good life with this father, it won't make a bit of difference. She might be curious, but this father she's had for 21 years will always be her father, regardless. She might want to try and find her real father, and sometimes that doesn't work out good either. They think the fathers are going to fall all over them, and be sooooo happy to see them. Wrong. Lesson learned. Then again, she might develop a relationship with him, but that is highly unlikely also. Since she is 21, I think she should have the right to choose what she would like to do, and I do think she has a right to know. Just my opinion.

Hi there Spalladino, No you are not over-reacting at all! This woman is being vindictive and selfish. The time to settle this would have been shortly after the child was born. Why didn't she do this then? Probably because she did not want to risk ruining her marriage. She didn't care about her child's right to know all these years so you are probably right in thinking that she has some ulterior motives now. If her aim is to hurt her husband then I'm sure this will be the ultimate hurt. She will achieve her goal but she will also deeply hurt her daughter as well. And It will also boomerang right back at her big time. Does she realize just how angry her daughter will probably be at her to find out that her mother not only cheated on her dad but that she lied to her all these years? All this and she is not even sure? I would imagine this sort of news would in the end bring the dad (the one that raised her) and her even closer together regardless of the outcome of any DNA tests and it would seriously damage if not permanently destroy her relationship with her daughter. Is she really willing to take that chance? If she is then she deserves what she gets.

It's better not to say anything the truth always works it way out so don't worry I would stay out of it and not say a word.She be up set when she finds out the truth any way she might need somebody to talk to so you could be there for her which she be happy. cd

I agree with you Spalladino. I don’t see the need to cause damage to this young woman at this stage. The only thing that would make me want to do otherwise would be if the daughter had a hereditary medical condition or something similar but if that is not the case why play havoc with her daughter’s life now? I don’t understand why she didn’t make an attempt to do a paternity test when the child was first born if there was any doubt her husband was the father, why leave it until now? If her reason for doing this is vindictiveness then she is being extremely selfish and I hope she snaps out of it before she does some real damage.

I think you`d better not tell her first, but how d you know that he`s not her father?

If he is not her biolgical father he is her father in every other way and I see no reason to spoil that. Just keep quiet is what I say!

I think it would be very selfish to tell her daughter. Time for your friend to stop thinking about herself--because telling her would relieve her conscience, plus get back at her husband for real or imagined hurts. Tell her to examine her motives honestly and think about the long range consequences for her daughter. Does she really want to disrupt her daughter's relationship to her father? How cruel that would be. What a self-centered person she must be. I hope you do everything you can to prevent your friend from exposing her daughter to her own doubts.

This is a tricky one. If her father really is her father than she will have upset her for nothing. On the other hand if she doesn't tell her and later on down the line she finds out the man who she thought was her father wasn't it will be worse. Either way she will feel like her mother hid this from her for too long.

The man that raised her is her father. The other guy may or may not have been a sperm donor, but that's all. I don't see what could be gained by telling her at this point. If the mother wants to find out, she can secretly take some of her daughters hair with roots from her hair brush and have it tested against her husbands and her DNA.

The man that raised her is her father. The other guy may or may not have been a sperm donor, but that's all. I don't see what could be gained by telling her at this point. If the mother wants to find out, she can secretly take some of her daughters hair with roots from her hair brush and have it tested against her husbands and her DNA. .

I think it would be better if she went ahead and told her daughter the truth and have the DNA testing done. This way, she and her daughter both would know for sure if the man who she thinks fathered her really is her father. It would take a lot off of their shoulders. It might really hurt the man who raised her but still, it's better to know the truth, in my opinion. She should have told her daughter about this a long time ago. I'm sure it was hard for her to do so but her daughter was going to know about it in the long run.

People sometimes are shocked by fact I have remained single into my 30s, and have never had a girl friend, nor wanted one. Yet then I read sick stories like this, and think... this is what I'm missing? This is the great thing I am not enjoying? Lets recap.... Said "friend" of yours ran off and played the w-ore with so-called ex-whoever. Now "friend" is having issues in her marriage with the husband she committed adultery on. Now there's a shocker. And to top it off, instead of being ashamed and humbled by her despicable actions, she wants to use her adultery to poison the mind of her daughter for the obvious purpose of hurting her husband... And this is what I have missed out on, by not having a woman in my life... I feel so deprived. Really, did I misunderstand you? Is there some righteous thing about this girl you left out? Not only do I agree with your assessment, but quite frankly I'd end my friendship with her immediately regardless of what she does. This "friend", in my humble opinion, seems like a real scummy dirt bag. I've had friends that turned out like that. I knew a women, about 3 years ago now, that I was good friends with. Until she decided to throw her husband of 10 years in the trash, sleep around with other men, and destroy her kids (by divorce and boyfriends and step-fathers). When she did that, I politely, but directly, told her I can't be friends with someone like that, and I haven't spoken to her since. You say you were hard on her, but I think you were soft. Not only would have I ended the friendship, but I would talk to the daughter, and warn her that her mother was trying to use her to hurt her father. I've seen Taliban in Afghanistan that had more honor than this girl. At least the Taliban believe they are dying for a good cause. This girl knows exactly what she is doing, and it's scum.

All these years in, I think it is better to leave the situation as it is. This man has been a father to her all her life, so the mother doesn't need to bring up any "maybes" concerning her parentage right now. If there were any health issues that needed a genetic test (i.e. for a transplant or something), then it could be approached then, but there's really no point in upsetting her and potentially damaging a good relationship.

Initially I would think that the mother should not mess with her daughter's head. However, I think that this is something which is an important part of who the daughter is. I think the daughter has a right to know. She never has to contact her real father if she does not want to. However, some time down the line it might be beneficial for the daughter to know. It could be for medical or financial reasons.

You're not overreacting. That woman is nuts. She shouldn't say a word. She wants to mess up her daughter's life and throw her into turmoil even when she's not sure? That is horrible. And if she is wanting to throw doubt on her paternity to hurt her husband, I'd say the daughter is luckier to have her "maybe" father than her absolutely sure mother. Hopefully the woman will come to her senses and decide she doesn't want to hurt her family like that.

I don't think your friend should tell her daughter that her father might not be her biological father. The man has been the daughters dad for the last 21 years. In all probability he is her father but if not was happened is now in the past. The lady was silly to have a one night stand with her ex when she was married. I think if your friend tells her daughter then her daughter might get really upset. This has been hidden to her for all of her life. The ex is long gone so finding out her father is not her father would be damaging. If your friend is having a challenging time with her husband now is not the right time to tell him all this. A low birth weight could be due to the mother to be and her health. The baby might have been premature. I hope your friends stays quiet about the past. If she tells her husband and daughter they might disown her. Good luck to the situation.

That would be a situation I would not want to be in. First off, is the mother doing this for spite since she and the husband are having difficulties? Might this be some concoction for her just to hurt him? If she is being truthful I believe the daughter should have the right to know her true parentage, if for nothing else, for medical reasons. If the mother is not doing it to hurt the husband I would take the daughter aside and tell her only. I would have the DNA testing done and if it was determined that "daddy" is indeed "daddy" I would say nothing more. If he isn't, than he also has the right to know. A grown man and his 21 year old daughter should have already formed their life bond. Something like this would hurt, but it shouldn't destroy them. It might affect life with mother.

This is really a hard situation. But somehow having DNA testing will give your friend peace of mind. Conscience is the hardest enemy,thats maybe the reason why your friend wants to make sure about her doubts. I know you are concern about the "young lady" but,she also had the right to know who is her real father. The best way to do is,pray for the best result. And that,everybody who are concern(s) will take the result positively.

I suppose you are her best friend and she has revealed to you her little secret. I am sure you will tell this to no one. How do you know she has not revealed it to others? May be at some point of time the story would be circulated and the daughter would one day know the truth through someone else. In the first place, your friend should have kept this as a closely guarded secret. No secret is a secret if it is told to someone. Your friend should find out surreptitiously without her daughter's knowledge whether she is the daughter of husband, or her ex's. Armed with this information she should go ahead. If she is the daughter to her husband, she need not even tell her. However, if she is not then she should go ahead and tell her. In any case, her marriage would be in jeopardy. If she is not her husband's daughter she is going to hate her for doing this to her. She has made a mess of her life by being indiscriminate.

wait for the right time and say it... it is better tell than NOT... make sure it is at the right time...