Age Gaps in a Relationship
By elfbwillow
@elfbwillow (307)
June 4, 2010 4:35pm CST
When me and my now husband first got together there were many people against our relationship (to which I am sure many of you might be shocked too though it happens a lot these days!). My husband is 20 years older than me. One of the main people who was against it was my mum who was 28 years younger than my dad and they were divorced when I was only 6 though me and my husband have been together 8 years now and are as in love as when we first met. A lot of same aged couples have already split up or divorced and seem to have a lot of problems whereas me and my husband rarely argue. Im not saying we never argue though - no relationship is ever like that though it is very rare. Most people are used to it now and actually love my husband and is caring and loving. More people seemed against him to begin with and not me (may have been a different matter if he had had money - ive tried to say he can take out his hidden millions any time now he knows I love him for him though still insists that he hasnt got any lol).
I certainly wouldnt reccomend an age gap relationship due to the fact that relationships have their own fair share of problems and adding an age gap can only bring in more though I am extremely happy as is my husband so why do some people still see age gap as an issue. If someone is happy then why not let them be happy?
I understand some people may be against an age gap though I ask you to reply nicely with your opinions on this matter. Thanks
6 people like this
19 responses
@goldeneagle (6745)
• United States
4 Jun 10
I don't really see a problem with an age difference in a relationship. My wife is six years older than I am, and it doesn't seem to cause us any problems. I have to admit that twenty years is a considerable age difference, but as long as you and your husband are happy together, I don't see why anyone should be quick to judge you. I guess I can see why people would question a relationship with such a considerable age difference, but that is between you and your husband, and it is no business of anyone else...
2 people like this
@elfbwillow (307)
•
4 Jun 10
Thanks for your reply. I certanly never wanted a 20 year age gap and after my mum and dads marriage broke down and she blamed her age gap I always said I would never go with someone older though I guess it is that age old saying - you cant help who you fall in love with :)
1 person likes this
@goldeneagle (6745)
• United States
4 Jun 10
Well I think the main question some people would have would be to ask what you have in common with someone so much older than you. This would seem like a logical question for people to ask. You also have to take into consideration that when you hit your 50's or whatever, he will be in his 70's. This may mean that he ends up in a nursing home or something like that about the time that you are supposed to be getting ready to start enjoying what is supposed to be the best time of your life with the one you love. As I said earlier, though, while there may be many questions people can ask, none of it really matters as long as you are happy with him...
1 person likes this
@elfbwillow (307)
•
5 Jun 10
Funnily enough we have an awful lot in common from music likes to movies and so forth. I dont know whether it is because my mind is older or his is younger though it is probably the latter as he is very young at heart! The thought of not being the same age and retired is a difficult one and one I agree people should think of before commiting to an age gap relationship though personally I found that the amount of love and happiness we have can overcome anything.
@Cutie18f (9551)
• Philippines
4 Jun 10
Age gaps can cause a problem if the older person has aged mentally and emotionally. However, there are older people who look old outside but have retained their youth inside. In this case, there wouldn't be any problem at all except when they do physical activities wherein the older one will probably have to lag a bit.
@elfbwillow (307)
•
5 Jun 10
Not a problem with that aspect with my husband - he is certainly much younger on the inside!
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
4 Jun 10
hi elfbwillow reading your discussion and remembering some from other people I have concluded its the people that matter more than the
'age gap. My parents had a huge age gap. my mom was just 21 when she married my 65 year old dad. They just did not belong together and he was verbally abusive to her treating her like a daughter, she took it as she loved him in spite of it. bu t I hated that. they did fight a lot and Ihad a bad sick hearache each time they fought. If they had been happy,if he had treated her as a wife I would not have cared bu t he was mean to her and doled money making her have to account for every penny and he was not broke. I am of the opinion that even if she had been close to his age he still would have been an unmitigated
jerk. he did not trust anyone, she on th e other handdid trust others.
jerk. he did not trust anyone, she on th e other handdid trust others.2 people like this
@elfbwillow (307)
•
4 Jun 10
I am sorry that your parents were like that. Luckily although my parents with their 28 year age gap broke down I didnt have to suffer what you did. I think you are right in saying it is the people that matter the most and not the age gap. My husband treats me like his wife and nothing else. He is so kind and loving as to which I hope I am back. Thanks for your response
1 person likes this
@rosdimy (3926)
• Malaysia
4 Jun 10
There could be another aspect to the disagreement and wagging tongues. Jealoudy can make a person say bad things about a relationship. Maybe deep inside their hearts they wished they could have the same type of relationship.
I had a girfriend who was 13 years younger than I am. Yes, I was already married then, so please do not get confused, but I am a Muslim and the relationship was not based on fulfilling carnal desires. Those who were most vocal against the relationship were married men who failed to get through to her heart.
Destroying a happy relationship means interfering with the couples life. If we look at it carefully there are also possible repercussions to the society.
2 people like this
@elfbwillow (307)
•
4 Jun 10
Thank you. Yes, I can see your point about possible jealousy about a happy couple when their lives are perhaps not as complete.
@cupkitties (7421)
• United States
5 Jun 10
More and more men these days are chasing younger women. I know its gotten more popular for such couples because people always think my dad is my husband rather than my dad and I don't look anywhere near his age. I don't have an issue with these couples. I'd prefer to date an older man myself but I can understand why people would have a problem. It depends on both individuals. I could say a 34 year old man dating a 20 year old who is mature for her age. That might work but if the 20 year old is still like a child in her behavior I don't see it. Plus men or anyone else who limit who they date to females under 30? I'd watch out for that kind of person. I mean is he going to divorce me as soon as I hit what is past his age preference? I would think any smart person would run from that situation.
1 person likes this
@elfbwillow (307)
•
5 Jun 10
Yes it does seem to be the 'popular' thing recently and I have met people who do chase only women below a certain age which I think is silly. My husband's ex was his own age and a couple of other women he met in between were his own age so I knew he wasnt one of these men who have a thing about a younger girl. He just fell in love as did I.
@rosie230 (1703)
•
4 Jun 10
Wow is all I can say, and not because of the age gap of you and your husband, but because you and I are very alike because I too am in a relationship with someone who is 19 years older than me, and I love him so much. We also have a little boy together who is 15 months old, and he was created and brought into this world with love. I can also tell you that we have been together just over 4 years now, and my love for him has only got stronger. Before this relationship I was with a man who was 21 years older than me, I met him when I was 17, and by 19 I was pregnant with my first son, who is now 9. I loved this man right to the end of our relationship which lasted 10 years. I broke up with him, because I got fed up in waiting for him to make a commitment to me and his son, and by commitment, I do not mean marriage, I meant living with us. He never did, even though he was full of promises, and eventually I gave up hope, and lost the love for him that I once had.
So no age does not matter at all, if two people love each other then there is nothing wrong with it at all, why should there be, we are all the same people after all, so why should age play such an important role.
2 people like this
@elfbwillow (307)
•
4 Jun 10
Thank you :) Our little girl is 2 and a half now and she too was created by pure love. There are so many babies bought into this world who are not created by love and I too think that age doesnt matter as long as the two people love one another and their children.
@TexLadyPj (1328)
• United States
5 Jun 10
Hi elfbwillow
What a variety of responses. I am in a marriage where my husband is 15yrs older than me. He planned for me well, as statistically, he will die before me. He insured that my finances would be adequate for me to continue a middle-class lifestyle. The only problem we have is at 76, his driving ability is declining and I want to travel. Other than that we have been married 36yrs. I'm not saying we don't argue, most couples have disagreements. I am saying marriage takes cooperation, regardless of the cultural differences, age, language, ethnic background, religion, etc.
@elfbwillow (307)
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5 Jun 10
Yes - co=operation is definately the key point regardless of age or anything else. Congrats on the 36 year marriage! I do worry that I may lose my husband before me and sorting out finances is something he has been talking about even though he hasnt reached 50 yet though I guess I understand why he wants to and with a two year old these things need to be sorted though I hate thinking of a time he may go before me. It is one of the negative things of our age gap though the negatives certainly are in the minority
@stealthy (8181)
• United States
4 Jun 10
I have nothing against an age gap. My ex-wife was 13 years younger than me and that was not what caused our problems. I would like to get married again and have a family but that would me marrying someone around 25 or more years younger than me to be sure of having a chance at having a child. I still have hope for that happening.
1 person likes this
@elfbwillow (307)
•
4 Jun 10
I wish you all the luck in finding someone whatever their age may be and having a loving caring relationship and that family you dream of :)
@ellie333 (21016)
•
5 Jun 10
Hi Elfbwillow, Well congrulations for still being happily married after eight years as today the first row people give up and end up divorced. I have no problem with age gaps at all and in fact as (my opinion) women seem to mature faster than men I think the male should be older by at leat five years minimum anyway. However age is just a number and if two people love each other then why not. What I am against is a situation I have myself right now and that is my father who is a pensiner is with a woman half my own age who is only using him for his money, he really cannot see that but will when once the money has run out she will too but if he happy right now let him carry on. She told my sister in law she unhappy as he doesn't spend enough on her and is always want want want, this makes me sad. Hopefully he will wake up to it all but I doubt it. Iwent out with a much younger guy once and it was in fact like having another child around me so dumped him pretty quickly lol. Huggles. Ellie :D
@elfbwillow (307)
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5 Jun 10
Yes, my husband certainly matures slower than me! I hear that a lot where there is money involved - I think it is terrible when women do that (I never hear of it the other way around much). Luckily this wasnt the case with my husband (though it would be nice to have some money now lol). Hopefully your dad will realise what is happening soon though at least he has you and family who will be there to help out when that time comes.
@prinzcy (32305)
• Malaysia
5 Jun 10
I don't fancy the idea my partner is way too old or too young for me. I just don't feel right about that. But that's me, I won't stop others just because I don't like to be in such relationship. It's up to them to be with whoever they want. It's not my stand to judge. Besides, my sister married her junior. My friend married a man younger than her. It's not really a big deal. They're happy and I am happy for them.
@elfbwillow (307)
•
5 Jun 10
I think it is great that although you wouldnt consider being with anyone younger or older than you (I was also the same until I met my husband) you are open and acccepting of others. Thank you
@ritsuizero (140)
• Philippines
5 Jun 10
I think most "people" have a problem with age gap when like the other is like 20 and the other is 40. They feel like the older person is taking advantage of the younger one. More so when the younger one is a girl and the older one is the guy. But if let say the it's like the person is 40 and up and he/she be with someone like 50 or 60 and up then I guess people won't even take notice of the age gap.
Personally I feel that a relationships are different from each other. Some things work for some relationship and some doesn't depending on the people involve and the situation they are in. Hey if it works the great. "People" don't know everything.
@elfbwillow (307)
•
5 Jun 10
It is certainly true that the age gap is not as noticable when you get older. I was 20 and my now husband 40 when we first met so it was very obvious though most people are used to us by now and everyone seems to love my husband. My own mum has even commented recently of how proud she is that I met someone so fantastic so thats a step up!
@elfbwillow (307)
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5 Jun 10
I do really love him and as you said thats all that matters. Thank you :)
@iamdong (51)
• Philippines
5 Jun 10
There is really no problem when in comes to age talks on whom you'll be with or whom you want to marry as long as you are comfortable with each other, you go well and can manage to deal with everything.
@Lanz_negosyante (74)
• Philippines
5 Jun 10
for me age is not really the problem its the love trust and faith will work to have a good relationship last long.. the best thing is if you are decided to love a person and get marry.. you must take your responsibility to to love him/her.. give the love that what he/she deserves because that person will be your better half in your life.. based on my experienced i think the best relationships would the the oldest and the youngest in their family..
1 person likes this
@Professor2010 (20162)
• India
14 Jan 11
I am sure you are happy elfbwillow
Age is certainly a factor, in my family the wives are younger than the hubbys.I was married in 1968, i was 23, my wife was 16, my brother, my sons are 7-10 years older than their wives, my daughter is 8 years younger than her hubby, all are happy
Thank you so much for this post.
Professor ‘Bhuwan’. .
HAPPY MAKAR SANKRANTI,
Happy PONGAL
@Cherwin2010 (878)
• Philippines
5 Jun 10
me and my husband as a gap of 8 years, but i don't see anything problem for that, i haven't feel barrier's to our age gap to ruin our relationship..despite it give us a big helps, why? it is because my husband will always understand about my attitude towards him to think that i am younger than him..he treat me not only his wife but as a little sister of him.. so nothing argument happen cause his the only one who give way to avoid problem...
@elfbwillow (307)
•
5 Jun 10
When me and my husband first got together we did find a few problems in the way each of us acted in certain situations and at first that was hard to deal with as neither of us could understand why the other acted that way though now 8 years later we know each other so well and have even taken on each others ways in certain things.
@jagjit273 (1754)
• India
5 Jun 10
well Its gud If u have love , affection ,caring and understsaning for each other,Dont Bother about people too much as if they only for talking useless stuff. live your life happily. have a nice day
@cannarypepper (68)
• Philippines
5 Jun 10
I have no problems with seeing couples with age differences. In fact, I do admire then sometimes, but there are really instances when I can't help but judge quickly, especially if it's a young woman and a really old, aged, rich grandpa. :P
@elfbwillow (307)
•
5 Jun 10
That is the thing many people think of and in a lot of cases it turns out true - when there is money involved and usually its the older man with the money. Fortunately there was no money involved with us so he and everyone else knew I loved him for him. I have told him he can break out the hidden millions now that he knows that though still he insists there isnt any lol
@jessicaryan18 (212)
• Philippines
5 Jun 10
hello elfwillow.. NO im not shock knowing your husband is 20 years older than you cos i have a daughter that her husband is 46 years older than her.
she is 20 and her husband is 66..so are u shock? my son in law is 23 years older than me.. another after schock? hahaha! as a mother i did not see anything wrong about age gap as long as my son/ daughter is having a nice life and they get along with each other and still the respect is there specially at me cos as ive said my son in law is 23 years older than me..no big deal for me.. though they just begun their marriage life a year ago i can not say that they will live happily ever after just like fairy tales..
@elfbwillow (307)
•
5 Jun 10
wow that certainly is a big age gap - and I thought 20 years was big! But no, actually it isnt so much of a shock - I guess it is because Ive spent 8 years living with an age gap relationship. It is great that you are fine with your daughter and her husband - my mum had a bit of a hard time accepting it with me though as you say if they love each other then isnt that the main thing
