Honest Opinion Please............
By Sparks
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
Regina, Saskatchewan
June 22, 2010 1:15pm CST
As part of my online activity, I do a lot of editing for new writers. The following story is submitted for your opinion. The writer has asked me to post it somewhere (and what better place than here!) for the value of constructive criticism. It is his very first story, and he is anxious to know if anyone, (besides me! lol) thinks his pursuit of writing is worth continuing. So...........honest opinions please. Thank you.
Title: Northern Homecoming
At the edge of a lonely northern tree lined lake, sits an old man and his wife of forty years.
Behind them, the glassy still waters borders what was once their homestead.
Quietly, they rest on a fallen maple. The woman leans her head against his shoulder, her hand gently rubbing his back from side to side. Together they gaze across the field on the far sideof which stands the remains of the farm house where they had raised their family.
The house, like themselves, was showing it's age. Fallen shakes and shingles gave glimpses to the interior, now only populated by the old wood stove and the nests of nature's critters.
The summer hand pump outside and the rusted winter one in the stone celler had been the only plumbing, as the wood stove had been the only source of heat.
A Beaver breaks their silent contemplation with a slap of it's tail against the still water of the lake.
The old man places his hand on her kneee and says: "Remember the first time we went fishing? He was only six." She replys with a chuckle, "He said Yay! his favorite word." They were talking about their first born son, the oldest of seven children. The old man continues, "I told him that when you feel the fish pull on the line, give it a quick snap and run up the bank." His wife adds, "But you didn't
tell him how far, and he ran all the way home dragging that catfish behind him". The old man's chuckle turned into an outright laugh. His wife couldn't help but laugh with him. "Oh, he made me so angry" she said, with a fondness in her voice. "Why?", he asks. "I never knew what I would find in his pockets when I did the laundry", she said, remembering the frogs, worms, bugs and other boyhood treasures.
She turns to her husband and says,"He is an adventure!". "Yep" the old man replies, "He never stops from the time he gets up 'til the time he goes to bed. It's like he has itchy feet and a fire under his butt".
The silence returns and they move closer to each other, the lonely call of the loon drifting across the lake behind them.
Their first born son was returning home tomorrow, wrapped in pine instead of his Dress Blues.
-----------------------------------------------------
If you all are very good and very honest, I'll tell you who the writer was..........
12 people like this
46 responses
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Jun 10
Thanks Lakota. I'm glad it kept your attention. And you got the point of it too. Well done!
4 people like this
@loulousefian420 (13)
• United States
23 Jun 10
i agree, it definitely kept my attention.
good story.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
22 Jun 10
I'm a lousy critic. In the sentence about the beaver, it should be "its" instead of "it's". But other than that, I liked it but I felt like the ending was a bit abrupt or it could have been expanded or something. Was that the whole story or is it going to continue on?
5 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Jun 10
Thanks Dawn. I'll correct the grammatical errors when I edit it.
As for the ending. It was meant to be abrupt as it was the last line of the story and the point really. So no there won't be any more.
5 people like this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
22 Jun 10
Well honestly I think he should pursue his writing I think it is very good
I am sure he will do much better then I ever did
I enjoyed just that bit and I am sure it will make a great Book
I hope he does turn it into a Book as I think he has Talent
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
22 Jun 10
sparky he must go on and finish this, as I am dying to read the rest.It
grabbed me and held my attention;also brought tears to my eyes. This
person has real wonderful talent. He needs to keep on writing and
believe in himself. He has real talent and he will only get better.
I give him an A plus on this myself. I love to write and only hope
my writing is as good as his. thanks for sharing this with us.Spark.
4 people like this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
22 Jun 10
hI sPARKS. I THOUGHT IT A VERY TOUCHING STORY & enjoyed it very much inspite of the sad ending.
@patgalca (18366)
• Orangeville, Ontario
23 Jun 10
You indicated that this was the whole story. It does seem incomplete. Perhaps there can be more detail about the past, more talk about their feelings, a better idea of their age. This is too short to be even a short story. It's more like flash fiction.
There are some spelling and grammar issues, words that can be arranged to make the story flow better.
1 person likes this
@olivebranch56 (910)
• United States
22 Jun 10
Anne, I don't normally read this type of literature, I am more of a Dean Koontz, Lincoln Childs type of gal. I do however like this thus far, probably because it reminds me of our family, we never lost a son/daughter to war, but we did and do take our children fishing, and cherish the memories we have of when they were little.
I think the writer started out in a way that grabbed my attention, and I believe they could hold it. So give, who is the writer?
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
22 Jun 10
I think your hubs wrote it.
I have edited it already, couldn't help myself.
But it is quite good, I will say. Of course he should keep on writing. It was a very nice story. A bit short, but there are many applications for short stories, like in Reader's Digest or something. Some people get annoyed if it is too long, too.
@LadyMarissa (12148)
• United States
22 Jun 10
Assuming I already know who wrote it...YES, he SHOULD KEEP WRITING!!!
Unlike some who have commented, I found his descriptions to be PERFECT!!!! I could see the lake & trees. His description of the couple took me back to the younger days of my Grandparents. I felt all WARM & snuggley & most of all...could FEEL their love & togetherness!!!
Not reading it in order to edit it, I didn't see the errors that some mentioned..to be honest, I wasn't looking for them either!!! I LOVED the way the story flowed. I did NOT see the ending that was coming, so it caught me by surprise & made me cry. Yet, thinking back, it was the perfect ending to what could have been an otherwise sad story. Even though I cried for the couple's loss, I felt the love & support built into the storyline & still felt their warmth & support for each other. You know, the support a truly loving couple has!!!
I think this person is well on their way to being a really good writer & should keep working at it!!!!
@shynepapin101 (1879)
• United Arab Emirates
26 Jun 10
Such travelling story, it had me hooked to it. Really worth reading and the writer did well with blending the happy and sadness together. A good writer.
@blackgurl72 (12)
•
25 Jun 10
Honestly, I am not a good writer but somehow when you knew it is a good one to read. It made me stuck up, stare and read it more until I am finished.
You can feel the musings and emotions. It's very descriptive and connects from one sentence to another. It connects the reader and the writer itself.
1 person likes this
@noslenandval (50)
• Philippines
25 Jun 10
as an English teacher, I must say, you really do need to edit this for the grammatical errors. But besides that, I think the story was really good. It is very emotional and actually made me teary. As if this was written from the heart. It reminded of how our family was when we lost our mom. The story describes the same way we felt and reminisced about the good and happy memories we had with our mother. I want to add, after reading the story, it really showed how creative the writer is. Being able to describe the setting of the story and letting out the emotions of the reader by his style of describing the parents' conversation. Good story, I hope he can write more stories like this. Really worth reading. :)
1 person likes this
@amrddy (215)
• Philippines
26 Jun 10
Hi, although there's a "sad story" there somewhere. I think it's need a little more polishing in terms of words usage. It will not even pass for a short story, maybe if the writer can rearrange the flow of the story in such a way that it will catch the attention of the readers.
1 person likes this
@Wanderlaugh (1622)
• Australia
23 Jun 10
I saw some minor text errors/spelling, but the content side is pretty well done. I'd suggest sticking to the more idiosyncratic scene setting and fleshing it out a bit more. The problem is that this is a little cluttered, with a lot of birds, animals and other distractions. I'd add some extra text about the scenery to allow these incidents to breathe a bit more freely in the narrative.
Like Celticeagle, I think I know who wrote this.
1 person likes this
@tamarafireheart (15384)
•
23 Jun 10
Hi sparky,
Lovely to see you around, this story is so beautiful, the way this writer has put the descrition of the mood and atmosphere, it brought some tears and smile to my face and wished that I can go on reading it, this writer is very good and I for one loves reading, well done to this writer, love and hugs always.
Tamara
1 person likes this
@smartjack (520)
• India
23 Jun 10
The story is good. I started imagining the actual place where the couple are seated. The writing seems average and it seems like I have read this before. But i Don't remember who the author is. I would give a 7 out of 10 for the above story. Are you getting paid for editing the above story. The story seems very nice and if it is not published earlier then probably you can sell it. Hey you can also make a movie from this writeup. The movie will work very nice if it is made.
1 person likes this
@eurekafemme (5877)
• Philippines
23 Jun 10
The story is good. The writer was able to describe the scenario with such intensity that adds drama to the whole story. But, as much as I enjoyed reading it, it left me hanging , feels like I want to hear more. The ending was so abrupt that it did not give me the full pleasure of swimming and sinking to the whole scenario. There's something lacking....Must be the consistency of the story(?) But very good.
He has a potential of becoming a good writer.:)
Good day to you,Sparkofinsanity
.:-)
1 person likes this
@debsgw (256)
•
23 Jun 10
I think it's beautifully written. The descriptions conjure great images as good writing should and the story is very emotive and poignant. SO emotive that I wouldn't be surprised for the main characters to shed a few lone tears together at the point where they move closer together at the end just before we find out that their son has been killed.
It brought tears to my eyes and I don't have children :)
He should definitely keep writing.