Before and After Marriage...?

It is the natural order of life for the young to leave their parents and cleave unto their own (spouse); it is a parent's responsibility to prepare their young to leave. Even if all share communal living arrangements, their should be a definite division between one's parent(s) and spouse. Your spouse becomes part of your being; your parents are the beings who sprang you forth into life but their identity will always be seperate and apart from yours. It is a selfish thing to try to hold a child, or parent, closer than is natural. The special bond between parent and child should never be able to be broken, but it should never be abused either. Within the circle of life we are born, nurtured, set out on our own to find our own mate and nurture our own children. We return to nurture the parents who cared for us in our youth during the sunset of their lives; and so it goes. Independence is necessary, is should not be ingratitude, nor servitude; it should be instrumental in the continuation of life's cycle. It is wrong to try to forcefully change the hand of nature. We should welcome the changes that life brings to us so that we may benefit from them; when life is out of sync, it is normally we who are out of step. What we want life to be and what it is can sometimes be very different; but nature generally wins in the end.

In most families, the clash between the wife and the mother is not avoidable and a man so decides to part from the joint family. He needs peace of mind which is not possible in a joint family. So, it is the fault on the women's side to force him into that decision.

In India we predominantly have the patriarchal system[except in states like Kerala] and the girl goes to her husband's house and the husband is the prime bread winner.SHe is naturally expected to make more adjustments with the man's people than he making adjustments with hers. THis being the case, the new bridegroom has a tough time coping with the idiyosyncrcies of the new wife and interference of the parents.[if it so happens]. The man needs his peace .He should first of all give attention to himself and his peace of mind.If there is adjustment on all sides then it is less problem for him.He will ultimatley decide on fairness ; I do not think there would be a transfer of preferences if there is maturity and understanding on all sides. Be it the boy or girl both cannot forget the bonding that they cherish with their parents. No girl[including myself] ever does that.

the Bible tells us that "a man shall leave his mother and father" and that the "two shall become one" in marriage. i believe that in the right time, we are supposed to leave our parents to become parents ourselves. that is exactly the reason why parents are supposed to care for and teach their children to become good parents.

Hi siliguri, this is a very useful discussion. I observed people have two tongues. Before marriage they say my parents are most important to me they should be given preference even after marriage. But what is happening after marriage, there will be clashes between the mother and the daughter in laws for many reasons. The most common reason is the love. Mother always think about his son and she feels that daughter in law is not caring much about her son and the in-laws. The parents may be thinking, love / attachment / concerned are missing after the marriage. The girl may be from different culture. And the poor guy will be like a sandwich in between the parents and the wife. To avoid all these he will think better to live separately than to live with the parents. But i feel parents should be there with us. Because parents are the one who raised us. They are much experienced in the life. They can guide our children well, they will be more affectionate and support to our children which really works out well. We are seeing many children are going in a wrong track in the nuclear families because they will not find time to take care of their children, since most of the women are working. For all these problems there is a solution that is understanding, love $ affection, adjustment, towards family members.

things we never experienced will always be as ideal as we think. Before married, we have no experience of the live after married. We tend to believe every will be the same as just additing one head count inside the family, so everything seem normal and living with parents is fine. Actually there are a lot of things we have to tolerate, both husband and wife and even parents. So, if our spouse can easily adapt to the new living style, then is fine, otherwise living separately should be better to reduce conflict.

This is a good topic. For me, I think that both children and parents have roles to play out. Parents should be supportive and understanding of their children, and children have to care for their parents. If both can come towards this form of understanding, there will be not much problems, really. However, sometimes, things are being misunderstood because of situational issues or something. As parents, they should trust their children all the time and children should learn to open up to them as well. It's like a two way road, if you ask me.

I think that after marriage we find that the other is less caring or loving but it happens because when we are far from each other we do everything to see each other and now that we are married we do not need to make many excuses to see each other and there comes similar activities which are canceled and it makes the relationship looks dull but we have to know how to bring back new experiences and activities in the couple.

When I was still unmarried, I did not think where my would be husband and I will live. It did not occur to me that it makes a lot of difference if we will have our own house to live in. It is not that the love we have for our parents faded away in favor of the ones we married. It is just simply taking responsibility the mature way. If couples stay with their parents, they will never grow as independent and responsible husband and wife. They will still be under the watchful eyes of the protective parents , who in this case, is the powerful and authority in the house. As husband, you may be planning things for your family but it is hard to do because your parents will surely have to have a say...

I would like to say," Do not believe the vow or promise before marriage". Life is change that we can not predict what will be happening next. I could understand so I never ask him to give me any promise. As I know that I will be hurt if I take care too much.

I feel that after marriage, a man and woman are now obligated to their IMMEDIATE family being just them or them and their kids. Mothers and fathers should step back at this point, in which, their reign of raising is over and that adult's new family life begins. Parenting and their love should never be forgotten, however there are new priorities and focuses in place being your new family. My husband and I had the hardest time coping with this and still is today. I hate his mom because she doesn't respect me, therefore I don't respect her. And, I know it is stressful on him sometimes but he must understand that I am in the right. I am just hoping and praying that things get better over time.

It doesn't mean that once you are married, you will forget your parents. People should be thankful to their parents for bringing them here on earth. They should never cease loving their parents even if they are already married because parents play an important role in their life. In fact in order to handle their marital problems, they should listen to the advices of their parents.