Confused and hurt.
By laydee
@laydee (12798)
Philippines
July 1, 2010 8:03pm CST
I am sorry friends if you feel that you're sick and tired of people expressing themselves online. But I am alone and I don't have friends who could be my listening ear as of this moment.
My relationship with my long-time boyfriend and bestfriend is dwindling. Someone has told me that he has someone else in his life. I saw their photos. He doesn't deny it, but tells me he has been figuring it out for years - as to why he is like that.
Our relationship hasn't been easy. This was the 4th person.
I know it's easy to say "let go", or "forget him" but we all know it's not very easy to do.
He tells me that he has been struggling a lot because of this 'weakness' of his. I don't know, but honestly, I really feel that it's just because I'm not enough for him. I love him amidst all of these things, but I know that life doesn't need to be rocky.
I have no decisions yet. Neither have I confronted the girl. I have confronted all the rest and they yielded. I am thinking if I do it again with the 4th person, it would still be the same cycle eventually. Call me stupid, but I am hoping he would do the deciding now.
I know there are a lot of questions and if you've noticed, I am great at giving advices. I have always been the listening ear, and the shoulder to cry on. But this time, I need the ear and the shoulder.
I am thinking of taking things slow. Will not stop myself from opening my communication with him, but I will minimize. I figured, why is it me who needs to let go? Why is it me who needs to decide? I have thought of just riding the waves and putting love on the backseat of my life for now.
I feel that the relationship would not have a great end for me. There is a huge probability that this will not end in forever. Neither would I be the person he could truly love. But till I find an activity or a person to pick up the pieces of my heart, I will just have to do it myself.
The question lingering in my heart and mind since last night, is simply "Why do people need to look for someone else?" "What is the logic behind causing hurt?" "Is there a cure for such a condition (womanizing)?"
I guess I know all the answers to those, but I am just denying it for now.
Thank you friends for hearing me out and for all your responses. God Bless.
3 people like this
13 responses
@rajaiv0810 (1012)
• Philippines
3 Jul 10
Laydee dear your boyfriend simply cannot be a one-woman-man. And the way I see it no matter how much you try but on his end he was not doing his part, it will not work. It's so sad to say that and the least I want to do is to make you feel even more awful with the situation. However, it is also you who said that you know all the answers to your questions and you are just denying it. The more you acknowledge the facts I guess the easier it would be for you to move on.
I'm not saying it will happen over night because it won't. But you really have to be away from him to help yourself recover. Find the Laydee who is strong and who knows to stand by herself. You have to love yourself and the only way you can do that is when you will be free from this misery. Nobody can really help you if you won't help yourself. Just try to imagine living your whole life being unhappy. Do you really want that? Think of how long you can put up with this. And if you realize you can't you have to stand up and deal with it. Even if it means crying for the whole day or week because definitely you'll get tired of crying. From there pick up the pieces once more.
I hope you have a family to help you so you can have a support group. But if in case you feel so alone by all means pour it our here. If you think you are a burden here in mylot then I'm telling you, you are not. If you want to have a one-on-one talk you can PM me. I'm not a psychologist or what but maybe I can be an ear to you.
Goodluck and I hope you'll find happiness soon. But the soonest you deal with your grief that would be the soonest you'll find happiness. You have a friend here.
1 person likes this
@rajaiv0810 (1012)
• Philippines
3 Jul 10
Yes you really have to do that. In the end, your happiness will be at stake. Update us here with your activities so that you'll feel that you are not alone.
1 person likes this
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
3 Jul 10
well, you still have family and friends laydee. honestly don't be too much influence by our responses because it's your life and not ours. it's easy to say but when we get into this situation ourselves, that's when we asked it ourselves what to do. so, follow what you're heart tells you
1 person likes this
@Memnon (2170)
•
2 Jul 10
You probably do know all the answers to your questions, but that makes it no easier to accept them. The real question for you is how much longer can you torture yourself like this?
As a guy who had a fiancée treat him similarly I appreciate how hard it is to walk away. There is no easy answer, but to say that sometimes you have to make decisions that you would rather not. Perhaps this is the time for you? I hope you have enough friends on here to carry you through that.
1 person likes this
@Memnon (2170)
•
3 Jul 10
Believe me that I do know that feeling. The partner that treated me badly gradually distanced me from my friends, so that I really believed that I only had her. It was a surprise one day to run into somebody that I knew, who was aware of what had happened, and just took it on board and talked this over with me. So you may have some friends that you think you don't.
Even writing about it here will help- and the knowledge that people believe that you deserve better. Take care and keep in touch.
1 person likes this
@jbrooks0127 (2324)
• United States
5 Jul 10
I would ask but one thing. What is it that you need that keeps you hanging on. What are you getting out of this relationship that makes you keep coming back for more.
You are very right this relationship will end, sooner or later. I would think with no trust on your part that you could never get back to where you should be in a relationship. By holding on you are in effect telling yourself that at least he is still here and you don't have to then go through all the process of finding someone else. Or is it the fear of being alone?
I could tell you a story about that but you have already found your best answer so I will shut up. I do wish you the best my dear.
1 person likes this
@jbrooks0127 (2324)
• United States
16 Jul 10
I do understand that. It is too bad that you can't get back together on that bases alone, friendship. Perhaps that was all that was really meant to be between you. But even in the best of relationship one of the key elements is that they are friends first and then lovers.
What ever way you go please do not let this tie up you life. Life is oh so short and we truly should be happy. We can never do that if all we do is look back. Move forward and take action. Either re-kindle that friendship or move on. I wish you the very best.
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
14 Jul 10
I was struck by your response, most especially when you asked me What is it that you need that keeps you hanging on. What are you getting out of this relationship that makes you keep coming back for more.
I guess, it's because we gel well in all levels. I find him someone I could really be myself with, I can talk to him about any topic and I respect his opinions. I know he did me wrong, and I'm not really in this 'talk' to get him back. I guess, I just miss my best friend.
1 person likes this
@denzlangga (744)
• Philippines
2 Jul 10
The first step to mend a broken heart is to release the pain and cry as much as you can, healing process indeed. Share it to someone you trust whether your family, friends, best thing that you thought of sharing it here because there will be a lot of people will respond to your post. I know how it feels because everyone of us has been in the same situation as yours and it is definitely hard to let go. You just have to take care of yourself during this times, because most likely we end up looking desperate. I remember myself when I was with your situation, I don't even have someone to talk to because I don't want everybody will know my situation. But I learn to let go at the end and it's me who decide for myself, I have chosen to continue my path and leave the pain as if I have not feel such.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
3 Jul 10
I have kept these things away from the people I know. I don't want to hear them tell me that things would be okay. I know nobody could help me but myself. I just can't stir off the thought just now. I have lost sleep and appetite and I know that the end is near. I guess I'm just holding on to the thread of hope that things would be better.
I am a pessimistic person, I know this won't end in happily ever after, I just need to fight a little bit more. When I'm done, I know I would be over this.
@akopoaysi (739)
• Philippines
2 Jul 10
dont be mad at me okay.... YOU NEED TO WAKE UP LAYDEE!!! you deserve someone who will love you unconditionally.. someone who respects you, love you, care for you, someone who is honest, someone who will really love you on your best day and on your worst days of your life....
i was in a 6 yr relationship... one day we had a big fight... we broke up!! he was my bf since i was 18... we were planning to be engaged soon (i was just waiting) and be happily married... all of our relatives thought it will survive and fight for it... i was wiling but more complications happened... he met someone since we didnt resolved that fight we didnt go back together... i went abroad and found out he got this girl pregnant... i feel sorry for myself.. blaming myself for leaving him... i even asked him not to marry her... marry me instead.. i loved him that much... i felt that i cannot love someone as much or more than i love him...
i prayed a lot... more than ever... asking for guidance from Above... asked Him to make me happy... maybe not at that time but soon...
i went back home... be with my family who loves me... be with my friends...
right now i am happily married with my loving, caring, handsome husband for more than 2 yrs... and we hope will have baby or babies soon..
i can not tell how much you are hurting right now... but you'll me more hurt if you'll stay in that relationship... how can you gamble yourself who keeps you hurting every now and then?? love yourself more....
i believe that before you can love someone else... you need to love yourself first... have respect for yourself... dont let anyone hurt you that bad... makes you cry until you fall asleep...
i know it's hard... but you know.. it will pass... less pain will be there tomorrow or next week... give time for yourself... be happy because you are.. not because someone makes you happy...
love yourself okay....
you need to smile....
pray...
good day to all..
1 person likes this
@rajaiv0810 (1012)
• Philippines
3 Jul 10
I couldn't agree more to that. Sometimes you just have to deal with the pain and slowly it will just fade.
It's good to know that you found somebody to make you happy and to love you. I think Laydee here just needs to be strong.
1 person likes this
@mdh2010 (3)
• United States
5 Jul 10
I have something to share to your question "why do people need to look for someone else". Years ago, after 2 long relationships, I thought I met the guy of my dreams. He was everything in detail that I wanted, or so I thought. It was a long distant relationship, one which started on a rebound for him (reason 1 to why he might have ended up looking for someone else).
We have different styles and different tastes. I met him during my college years and I was easy going tshirt type of person. He on the other hand had to wear fashionable items...etc (reason 2???)
Long story short, when he moved to LA, he started dating several different girls. I was in Texas. I spent sometime feeling bad and depressed and thinking it was my who wasnt enough. At the end of it all, doesnt matter what the reasons were, he was wrong, and my life is better now that we did not end up together. Btw, we did try again, until he found someone else in another country. I ended up being the "girl in waiting".
"What is the logic behind causing hurt?" selfishness on the other person's part. If you're not the right one, he should let you go.
"Is there a cure for such a condition (womanizing)?- my biased opinion is no. Once they start, they will keep going. I ended up thinking he was gay and hated females. Btw, he just married we're both now in our 40s.
Its tough, hang in there, in the long run, you will meet someone else who was meant to be with you.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
14 Jul 10
The story was great, I truly appreciate it. Perhaps this moment, I'm really the girl-in-waiting, but it's just amazing how stupid I feel because I am happier when we get to talk (it just feels real as friends - the conversations isn't leading to going back together) than when I keep myself from talking to him where I feel worst.
Is this wrong?
@milfea (519)
• Philippines
9 Jul 10
Count me in Laydee. And I'm still here. Makes me feel stupid most of the time. I am usually firm, but when it comes to this, I become too weak. In the last 18 months, I have been putting on every effort to get out of this madness. And I am almost there. It takes so much time and emotion. But I know I am almost there for I know that I can't allow myself to be trapped forever. Crying has made me feel so much better. Going to the gym has helped me a lot. He is still around. I am slowly gaining immunity by his presence. Every single day I have hoped for what I have in my heart to drift away, and I know that I am almost there. I know I'll be there soon, very soon...
I sincerely hope that you'll be free from it soon.
@cream97 (29086)
• United States
3 Jul 10
Hi, laydee. I am very sorry that your boyfriend has been unfaithful to you. 
You are much stronger than you realize that you are. You don't need him in your life. He is nothing but poison to you and to your heart. You are a wonderful person that deserves so much better. You don't need to keep wasting your time with him. You may not see your worth right now, but eventually you will. He should have been more honest with you. I know that it is hard for you to let go. This has been his fourth time that he has cheated on you. Let this be his last time too. I am sorry that he does not appreciate you like a man should. I pray that God will give you the strength to leave him alone. And I pray that God mends your broken heart too. Take care.
You are much stronger than you realize that you are. You don't need him in your life. He is nothing but poison to you and to your heart. You are a wonderful person that deserves so much better. You don't need to keep wasting your time with him. You may not see your worth right now, but eventually you will. He should have been more honest with you. I know that it is hard for you to let go. This has been his fourth time that he has cheated on you. Let this be his last time too. I am sorry that he does not appreciate you like a man should. I pray that God will give you the strength to leave him alone. And I pray that God mends your broken heart too. Take care.1 person likes this
@JOIEMARVIC (2335)
• Philippines
2 Jul 10
I have been in relationships like that before. I admit it, its hard to let go of something you have already grown to loved for four years or so. But in the end, you should realize. Here you go crying your heart out for a person you loved all your life,while he is busy having the time of his life with womeone else, busy looking for ways on how he would tell you the news, how to tell you he wanted that four year realtionship to end because he found someone else. I know it will hurt, but hey, it's so unfair. Your crying over someone who picked someone else instead of the person he have been with through thick and thin. You can consider yourself lucky because the two of you are not married yet. Imagine if something like this happened after the two of you got married? Ugh.. So my advice for you is to love yourself. Cry as long as you want. Mourn if you feel like doing it. But move on. God will give you something better.
1 person likes this
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
3 Jul 10
Hello Laydee,
Is this person working in abroad or something? am sure any one who has the experience would easily say, "wake up and leave him" scenario. i know it's your happiness and you always deserve it. but i must admit, am a guy, not every one is as strong as those who are committed too to each other.
the most sad part is that you had to deal with a person who's temptations are getting the best of him. i would probably suggest for him to come home before anything else happens.long distance relationship is never easy, people change from time to time. it's up to you, am sure he loves you but of course, mans weak on the crouch could get magnetized by any hot lady
there are some who can just let go right there, but how are you willing to go?
if people are gonna start calling you stupid or patriotic, i think that's something for you to decide and not some one elses.remember it's still your life and your decision no matter what we say. @KMaroon (266)
• India
3 Jul 10
Hi laydee
I can understand how hard it would be to forget your boyfriend whom you love very much and if he is a womanizer because I have seen my friend marrying her boy friend who is also a womanizer and struggling with her children and he never takes care of the children or wife and he has no responsibility for the family and there is not even a day that she has not cried and always praying god to change her husband's mind. He is always with a new woman every week and he loves to enjoy with each and every new woman and comes home in the late nights or after two or three days and the wife is always waiting for the husband to come home early and wants to spend some time with the husband. She has decided to give him some time of 1year and if he does not change she will leave him for ever and wanted to live with her children alone. I can say one thing that seeing all this and my friend crying always I am very sad I could not do any thing but prayed god for her. I think you have to better think about your future and just stop contacting him and try to forget him slowly, I know it is hard but if you want to be happy in future then you have to do it if you divert yourself in some other work which is very interesting for you and you can definitely forget him. God has decided a good future for you, don't worry and there is nothing to get confused because your boy friend does not deserve to have a good friend like you.
@princesslawyer0515 (270)
• Philippines
9 Jul 10
It's hard, but you must LET GO. It's not him who should decide but you. Get yourself out of a situation where you only get hurt and fooled. You don't deserve that kind of pain.
@shutong (42)
• China
3 Jul 10
I think you can try to concentrate on your work and let this tough thing aside for a while.Try to find some fun of life,you know,love is not the whole thing of our life although it is very important and always gets people crazy.In addition ,keep study and make sure you make progress everyday.Only u elevate your own quality and gain an independent persoality will others respect and get interested in you.
1 person likes this
