We Are Not Yet Through With HIM!
By Daddy Neil
@neildc (17239)
Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
July 7, 2010 9:17pm CST
About two days ago when I started a discussion about a wife's experience with her BIL (Brother-In-Law) who have taken advantage on her. And so the husband was so calm so not to make the wife get so worried with the situation.
Then last night, when this wife and her husband got a slight argument over one problem, wife popped out with, "we are not even through with my problem with BIL and you not even reacted?"
Do you think husband really have to tell wife what he feels about the situation?
Do you think he should let his emotions come out, show his anger to BIL?
Do you think he should tell her wife what he plans for BIL?
6 people like this
15 responses
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
9 Jul 10
I think she's feeling that he doesn't care when he actually does but is trying to protect his wife by not showing it. It's kind of like a catch 22 type of thing, he's damned if he does and he's damned if he doesn't which isn't a good place to be in at all. Of course he doesn't like it when someone else touches his wife! But he's handling it the way he knows best but it seems to be back firing on him. Maybe he needs to talk to her to reassure her that yes he is mad and he will handle it his own way to not worry.
1 person likes this
@neildc (17239)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
9 Jul 10
when actually, the last time they talked about it, the husband reassured that he cares for her, he was affected, but just calm and think before deciding what to do next. even if i am the husband, i won't let my wife touched by other men and i will be mad but will take it easily but surely, so not to get more people be affected.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (168269)
• Boise, Idaho
8 Jul 10
Why wouldn't the husband want to share how he felt with his wife? Sure he should let his emotions come out! I don't know if he should tell his wife what he has planned for the BIL. I think if two people are married they should have a very good communiczaation between them. If they don't then the relationship breaks down.
@celticeagle (168269)
• Boise, Idaho
8 Jul 10
I applaud the husband. Alot of men it has been my experience to know would just stumble in, arms flalling and yelling some jimerish that doesn't even make any sense. Smart to just let things cool and think about it a while.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
8 Jul 10
I think he should have enough respect for her to say something to the bil. Maybe he thinks it was her fault.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
9 Jul 10
I just don't think he should be allowed to get by w/his actions w/out the husband confronting him for doing that to his wife. That's just my opinion. The next time might be worse if he gets by w/the first time.
@goddessjes (788)
• Philippines
8 Jul 10
i don't think husband would to react because this is his brother we are talking about. who knows, he might equally feel bad and hurt as the wife, it's just that he's keeping his cool and balance because both are important to him. this might even be tormenting to him.
however, we can't blame the wife if she wants to get the sympathy of the husband. this really is a tough situation.
the brother in law must be really sorry for doing this to his brother and his sister in law.
@neildc (17239)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
8 Jul 10
the siblings here are the two sisters and not the two men. they are both married and their husbands are both BIL to each others. the wife referred here is the younger sister and his husband is referred here as the husband. older sister is referred here as sister while her husband is the BIL.
@goddessjes (788)
• Philippines
8 Jul 10
whoops..i totally got that the other way. 
i just jumped in commenting on this. haha. 
well, i hope they get to resolve this. but if something happened in between, it would really mar the trust.
i just jumped in commenting on this. haha.
well, i hope they get to resolve this. but if something happened in between, it would really mar the trust.
@jaiho2009 (39141)
• Philippines
8 Jul 10
hello neil,
It is a must,the wife feels as if,her husband's ignoring her feelings.
I know the situation is not easy for the husband,for he is being torn into two(between his wife and his brother)
But,the husband must assure his wife that,he will talk to his brother regarding the matter.
It is the wife's right to know what her husband's plan..and what is the outcome if conversation/confrontation ever happens(between the two brothers)
@jaiho2009 (39141)
• Philippines
9 Jul 10
awww...that would really be hard,i never thought they're not blood related.
Hope it won't get worst..
@vandana7 (100616)
• India
8 Jul 10
I'd say my response is continuation to what Hatley has said above. The girl wants some reaction, needs severance of ties, which the husband is not doing - possibly out of fear of society - after all it would be out in public. Such considerations are there. I didnt come for previous discussion but hopefully there is no monetary entanglement. Of course, he resents is. The girl wants blood. So why is he calm, just because of society? That makes him lesser of man in the eyes of his wife, and it would continue to be so!!!! I wouldnt be surprised if this marriage is headed towards divorce unless the man is able to severe ties! The wife is brewing the issue in her mind as anybody who'd undergone that kind of humiliation would. Everytime there is an issue, however minor, it will spill out. For her sanity it will be necessary to break ties with the brother.
@neildc (17239)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
8 Jul 10
the husband, like what i have mentioned in my comment to hatley, is someone that is calm, quiet, not that too vocal and showy like the wife. he wants to make all things will put in the good side and just like you said, could be that he feared that it will be a social and family issue. he just wanted to keep the family intact and doesn't want to ruin the entire family again. again? yes, vandy, they just made-up two years ago after more than a year of cold war.
@vandana7 (100616)
• India
8 Jul 10
Personally, I wouldnt like the family ties when there is an issue like this. I can understand the girl's point of view. Even if it means moving away from elder sister for good, I would. But this is purely my opinion based on my nature. You need not conform to it. :)
@rsa101 (38166)
• Philippines
8 Jul 10
So this is the continuation on the sequel.
For me since I see the wife is troubled about the situation. He needs to tell her wife to calm down. Maybe the husband would not want to create scandal in the family and would just try to talk with BIL amicably where the two can settle things peacefully with the other party.
Well if I were the husband I would not also be hysterical about the situation. I would try to control it ans maybe when things are settled down we can talk things out and clear this issue out and agree not to do it again. The second time this happens then I think there is really wrong that it needs some drastic measures to stop this. 
For me since I see the wife is troubled about the situation. He needs to tell her wife to calm down. Maybe the husband would not want to create scandal in the family and would just try to talk with BIL amicably where the two can settle things peacefully with the other party.
Well if I were the husband I would not also be hysterical about the situation. I would try to control it ans maybe when things are settled down we can talk things out and clear this issue out and agree not to do it again. The second time this happens then I think there is really wrong that it needs some drastic measures to stop this. @neildc (17239)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
8 Jul 10
maybe it's because we are both of the same race that we think almost the same thing about the husband.
in our place, as long as we can keep it secret to ourselves and between the partners, we will keep silent of the situation. and because we care more of the relationship as family, we will try to control our emotions, so not to ruin our family.
and yes i agree, the next time it happens again, it will be a different story.
better, i guess, for them not to see each other for a longer time. but one thing though, the two families often see each other at least once a week.
so how could it be when they meet next time? will they keep silent about the issue?
or will the husband blows up his feelings? BIL have to get him drunk first.
in our place, as long as we can keep it secret to ourselves and between the partners, we will keep silent of the situation. and because we care more of the relationship as family, we will try to control our emotions, so not to ruin our family.
and yes i agree, the next time it happens again, it will be a different story.
better, i guess, for them not to see each other for a longer time. but one thing though, the two families often see each other at least once a week.
so how could it be when they meet next time? will they keep silent about the issue?
or will the husband blows up his feelings? BIL have to get him drunk first. 1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
14 Jul 10
Are you saying the wife should just be quiet and forget about what happened? The man assaulted her. Should she suffer that crime and then suffer a husband who cares nothing for her plight instead wanting the whole thing kept quiet for the sake of family? Are you saying the husband is not offended? Just what does the husband think??? Yes, he should tell BIL that his actions are unacceptable and he is to apologise to the wife. What does he plan for BIL...these are strange questions of yours...are you the husband Neil?
@grecychunny26 (9483)
• Philippines
8 Jul 10
Whatever it is about his feelings today he have to tell it to her wife because wife is worried. And what in the first place is the reason why the husband did not reacted? Maybe the husband don't want to make the problem gets bigger, he understand what happened although it was not a good scenario, and he keeps quiet so as the problem will just pass. I think that is the reason why the wife is stress, it is because the husband is not talking about his feelings. Being a husband and wife, they have to be honest of their feelings. Even if in wife it hurts to say that BIL took advantage of her, but still she choose to tell the truth because she don't want hiding anything to her husband, and I hope the husband will do the same. It is more good if they will be honest with each other.
@neildc (17239)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
8 Jul 10
husband is a quiet person contrary to the wife who is more vocal.
and yes you are right, he keeps it to himself, silent, hoping that she will not be more worried if she knows how he feels, so the situation won't get worse.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
8 Jul 10
neildc why should not the husband tell her,why be secretive, now days we women are known to have good sense, to be equal to you men, yes I would be angry to if my husband failed to react to his own brother coming on to his wife, what? you think he should be more loyal to his brother when the guy was t rying to make out with his own wife? no that would be so wrong.Yes he should tell his own wife how he feels,communication in a marriage will keep it from falling apart.Yes he should tell her what he is going to do about it? She is not a child to be kept in the dark but an adult who was assaulted by her own brother in law. this is w rong and do not tell me it is not. Yes marriage is a two way street, she talks and he listens, he talks and she listens., she is not a toy to be petted on the head and sent away. thats old stuff.
@vandana7 (100616)
• India
8 Jul 10
Hatley - I think you'd have done very well with some marriage counseling stuff! Really - each response of yours is filled with understanding the problem in depth! I can only admire you. :)
@neildc (17239)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
8 Jul 10
@hatley. first of all, the sisters are siblings not the brothers. they actually brothers-in-law. it will be a different story if the two brothers are siblings. now, what i think about the husband, he is just calm, quiet and not so vocal and showy about his feelings, unlike the wife who usually the one who is really vocal about almost everything. you know most women are talkative.
@vandy. and who would you this is the most experienced among us mylotters?
@vandy. and who would you this is the most experienced among us mylotters? 
@syankee525 (6261)
• United States
8 Jul 10
yeah why not.. i would be straight up how i feel about it. and my anger would have came out the same day i found out, and yes tell her what the plan is
@neildc (17239)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
8 Jul 10
could be that he think about the family and that if he reacted then and there, it will just create a big issue and the kids will also get affected?
@savypat (20216)
• United States
8 Jul 10
I think that when a man hides his emotions from his wife he looses some of her trust in him. This situation would be much better delt with if he would be honest with her. Until that happens I see no good results from this mess.
@neildc (17239)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
8 Jul 10
could it be acceptable to give him at least a day or two to think over the situation before making a decision? and not to react then and there?
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
8 Jul 10
A woman needs to know that the husband has been affected by this situation! She needs to know that she comes first with him always and will stand up for her especially if she has been victimised in some way. I was in her position I would feel hurt that my own husband, my soft place to fall has had no reaction to another man having made a pass on me, never mind the fact that it is his own brother! Yes, the husband should react to this and let out his feelings unless he really doesn’t care...
@neildc (17239)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
8 Jul 10
of course he cares for her. but would you also sacrifice the relationship being one as family? if it could be solved at this time by keeping it to themselves and not letting it happen the next time? when husband thinks of the situation first before making decisions? if he only wants to get rid of scandals? family scandal? it could be a social issue that will put the whole family in cold water.
@hexeduser22 (7418)
• Philippines
8 Jul 10
The husband is really in a tight situation but I guess he should explain his actions and hide nothing anymore to his wife I'm sure that the wife would understand the reaction of her husband
@neildc (17239)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
8 Jul 10
please give him at least two days to ponder things. 
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
9 Jul 10
Without reading the previous post, let me just express my thought about this post, initially, the husband will react bad on the situation and confront the BIL and it will be best to confront so that the BIL will not think that the husband is just okay with whatever happened and he will not take the chance to do it again and as a husband, he should be open to his wife whatever he feels and plans....just my opinion but I know and respect the husband in this situation has a good reasons for controlling himself.
