If only I knew before...
By TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85146)
Shingle Springs, California
July 8, 2010 4:13pm CST
I have been told how to fix myself, my marriage, everything. Yep, all I have to do is:
1. keep an open mind
2. trust him again
3. tell him I want him
4. spend more time with him
5. let him in
6. let him do things that warm my heart
7. give it another try
8. stop talking to other people who tell me what to think
We can fix this ourselves. How stupid I've been.
Oops, I forgot to say "sarcasm alert". Sorry....
8 people like this
29 responses
@nannacroc (4049)
•
8 Jul 10
You had me worried there. You seem to be sorting your life out, glad that was sarcasm and you don't believe it.
3 people like this
@BarBaraPrz (47667)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
8 Jul 10
Does he ever leave the house for any length of time? Like, say, for a job?
When he's out, pack up his things, put them outside and change the locks.
Done!
1 person likes this
@BarBaraPrz (47667)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
8 Jul 10
Of course, you'll want to make sure you have your own bank account and the utilities in your name...
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
9 Jul 10
Ah, been there, done that. The first time my husband was physically violent towards me and I had bruises all over my face, I talked to my mother about it. Her advice? "Sometimes you've just got to grin and bear it." Uhhh, right, sure.
Isn't it lovely, all the great advice we get, even when we don't ask for it? I was talking to the minister of the church I was going to then, while this crap with my now ex was going on. He gave me what I considered very good advice, although it took me awhile to figure it out. He simply said, "Use what you know." After a lot of thought, I figured out that he was telling me that I had to dig deep inside myself to find the solution. He was right, I did, and my problem was resolved. 
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Jul 10
Sad, but some moms grew up in the era of "save the family at all costs" or maybe "save face" or some weird combination of both. I think my mom would have supported me, though she ended up staying in a marriage that was pretty miserable at the end...
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Jul 10
Yep, the loss of the dream. The realization that the person you married isn't who you thought they were. The acknowledgement that there are some things that you cannot change, but that you can get away from them. I'd rather go through the pain of admitting and accepting all that, than live in a miserable situation for the rest of my life!
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
9 Jul 10
I honestly can't see how anyone could spend almost their entire life being miserable. I know that, in our parent's generation, both men and women had their "place" but I still couldn't do it even if that was the rule today.
The oddest thing I can say about my mother is that she divorced an abusive husband before she married my father! That's why I couldn't swallow that "grin and bear it" crap. I think that was her way of bowing out of my situation, telling me in other words that she didn't want to hear it.
If she had said to me, "you made your bed, now lie in it" I think I would have come back with "It's time to change the bed."
1 person likes this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
9 Jul 10
I think number 8 is the one that is stuck in his craw the most. Not that other people are telling you how to think. But he resents that public opinion is on YOUR side, not his, so the translation to number 8 is:
STOP LISTENING TO OTHER PEOPLE THAT DISAGREE WITH HIM AND AGREE WITH YOU!
"Too bad, so sad (for him), too little, too late", I say.
If you're done trying to fix something you don't believe is fixable, then show him where the door is and tell him not to let it hit him in the azz on the way out.
2 people like this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
9 Jul 10
As to how to get him moved out?....
I would write a letter to him saying;
To my husband of ?? yrs,
We are no longer in love with each other and it is affecting the children in a negative way. You feel the troubles in our marriage are solely my fault and I find fault with that. I feel the troubles in our marriage are jointly shared, but refuse to be the only held responsible for the damage that has been done, nor the only one to attempt to 'fix' things any longer. You have refused to take responsibility for your part in the damage to the relationship. You don't
'try' to do any damage control until I am so fed up it is too late. And then, it is only lip service until I let my guard down and you immediatley revert to the very same behaviour that splits us once again. Because of this, I do not feel I can trust you to continue any good behaviour for any serviceable length of time.
The children are of primary importance to me and I beleive we need a trial separation to attempt to 'fix' the children. I do not believe our relationship is 'fixable' because it takes two to tango and you don't want to play fair.
What do you think? With a few tweaks, you could make it 'yours' to give to him.
2 people like this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
11 Jul 10
It is still control. He feels that if he is the only one to 'influence' you, then you will listen to him instead of anyone else. It doesn't seem like you are supposed to have your own brain, nor do what suits you, at all. Just him. He wants what he wants and he will not change. You want what you want and that isn't changing either, he just refuses to acknowledge it. It seems to me that he won't acknowledge anything from you and continues to believe that he can change your mind. This must have been how the dynamics of the relationship worked before or he wouldn't be so adamant about it. It is very hard to convince someone like this (in denial) that their bubble has burst a long time ago, and they are just left holding a string.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Jul 10
What he resents is that I am in counseling telling things to somebody else and not him. He really believes that if I talk only to him, we can work this out. Also, not knowing what I am saying in counseling drives him nuts.
I can try that. But I've written him letters before, mostly about how determined I am and asking him to respect my wishes and not try to change my mind. You have it exactly right, he gives me lip service for a very short period of time and then reverts back. But I am planning on asking and you make some good points that I can use...
@sweetloveforeve (13120)
• Portugal
9 Jul 10
well i think that if you want to fix your marriage you must do your best for it^^ if you really love your husband and want to give him another chance i wish you the best^^ but also listen to other people advices too^^ im sure they just want your happiness and maybe they are afraid that you be hurt again^^ anyway wish your marriage be happy again
2 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Jul 10
I don't love him and therein lies the problem at this point.
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
24 Jul 10
When some things are broken..it isn't good to fix them..because eventually they just break again.
1 person likes this
@sconibear (8016)
• United States
8 Jul 10
9. DON'T make lists! 
There..............see?...............you're all better now. 
There..............see?...............you're all better now. 2 people like this
@dhangski (3194)
• Philippines
10 Jul 10
1. keep an open mind
2. trust him again
3. tell him I want him
4. spend more time with him
5. let him in
6. let him do things that warm my heart
7. give it another try
8. stop talking to other people who tell me what to think We can fix this ourselves.
My views on this:
1. maybe
2. trust is like a vase, once broken it will be fixed but it will never be the same again.
3. I already did that.
4. I can't he's now with us, my husband works in another country and seldom gets online.
5. no comment about that
6. I always did, but I see to it that it's sincere
7. I'm always open to that, there's always a second chance.
8. Listen to them, some maybe right some maybe wrong but only our own selves knows what's right or wrong, we have our own brains and feelings. Trust our own intuition in deciding for ourselves.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
10 Jul 10
So, I guess you don't want to do any of those things. I think if both people want to make it work they can, regardless of the circumstances.. but if one or the other doesn't want to, there's really no hope.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
10 Jul 10
It's the trust thing mainly. I don't trust him to do his part, he's flaked on me so many times before. Don't feel any love for him any more either.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Jul 10
I can fix my actions, my behavior, but I can't fix his. He isn't hearing what I am saying. He isn't doing what I need. And I can't change my feelings by just turning a switch on and off. I'm constantly getting badgered and pestered and criticized and pushed and HE has to stop it, or there is NO chance. As for "with help", that is part of the problem. He thinks we can fix this ourselves. He thinks I need to fix myself. I was open to fixing it, but I all kept getting back was broken promised and the same behavior. Thinking that he will change at this point is delusional, and Ino longer want to be part of that delusion.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
10 Jul 10
The trust issue could probably still be fixed if you wanted it to be, and with some help, and lots of patience. The love issue could also probably be fixed, if you wanted it to be. You don't want it anymore... not saying I blame you because I don't know the extent of it.. but as I said, you can't fix it if you don't really want to.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Jul 10
Here's one:
It was good before, why can't it be good again?
@mario_stevens (6971)
• Malaysia
9 Jul 10
imagine this....after a long & tiring & difficult & irksome & irritating & no nice drive down a long & narrow & dirty & messed up road with so many potholes, you reach where you are now.
would you want to go down that road again? 
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
15 Jul 10
Let me guess...it was R suggesting these things?
Of course you must be totally overwhelmed with relief and absolute joy that practically overnight everything that was wrong will magically be fixed. I'm sure you are bubbling with happiness and joy right now.
What's that??? You want to know who moved the vomit bucket??
I'm sure I don't know. It's not my problem.
I'm sure I don't know. It's not my problem. 1 person likes this
sawwy, wasn't listening again....
@good2go2001 (915)
• United States
12 Jul 10
Wow reading your discussion hits so close to home for me! I too have been givin all that advice and then some! A very wise man once explained it to me like this... When you get married you put a ring on your finger.... every fight and every time of broken trust after that ring goes on your hand cuts away at the finger. After so much time of broken trust there comes a time that theres so much of the finger thats cut away that the wedding band falls off and cant be put back on. I dont know how long your ring finger is at this point but i know mine is pretty short. Theres only so much one can just chose to stuff away and only so much forgiving one person can do. My husband is now trying after years of it being me the one trying. The sad part is i dont think i want to try anymore... my feeling is the love isnt there and im not sure how to gain that back after all the trust is gone. Hang in there i will be thinking about you.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
12 Jul 10
That's exactly my situation. No finger left...
@bounce58 (17385)
• Canada
12 Jul 10
For a moment there, I thought you've had a change of heart. And was stepping back.
I myLot at work, and as such I only open up a small myLot window on my screen. I couldn't see the 'sarcasm alert' at the bottom of the discussion. So, for a moment, I was having a hard time trying to come up with a possible response with this discussion.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Jul 10
He's not making it easy to break free here either...
