I'm A Nervous Wreck!

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I have a feeling this is going to be a two part discussion because it’s really long. I’m a complete mess right now that I’ve been sick with diarrhea since Monday because of my nerves. I’ve been put in a horrible position and I don’t know how I’m going to resolve it. Hubby and I got into a big fight Monday morning however, all is ok now but, I talked to my mom on Tuesday and told her about it and she said some things that really disturbed me. She said that she’s noticed that he’s changed a great deal since his mother passed away and that he had gotten mean like she was. Now let me explain, hubby’s mother was a mean mean woman. She didn’t give a hoot and darn about anybody or anything. When she talked to people, she didn’t actually talk to them but through them as if they weren’t even there or like they didn’t mean a darned thing to her. Just trust me when I say she was mean because she was. I explained to my mom that I’ve seen it too but I understand it because he’s bitter and angry because he never was able to ‘fix’ things with her before she died. He wishes now that he had ‘the talk’ with her and gotten his feelings out but he didn’t out of fear that she’d pass away before he could right things again so he’s bitter because he loved her although she was so mean and hateful. Mom understood but she said that she doesn’t like him like she once did because of his meanness towards her and dad. She gave me an example. Hubby and I both wish she’d use her cane because of her balance problem but she flatly refuses. They came to our house for dinner one night and I have a cane of my own to use when I need it when my knee acts up and hubby handed it to her and she told him where he could stick it (half jokingly) and he asks her “Who do you think is going to care for you if and when you fall? Me and MB, that’s who”. Well mom told me that she’d be damned if he’d take care of her and that she’d crawl around on her belly if she had to because he’s not going to take care of her! I explained that that’s not what he meant at all but what he did mean was if and when she does fall we’re the only ones to care for her and she needs to consider us too because it’s not all about her anymore but us too and that we have a life too so why should we give up our lives over something that could’ve been prevented?! Consider us too! She got a little quiet so I think it gave her food for thought but will she use the cane? Hell no! Another thing is, she thinks that hubby comes with me because I tell him to so to help me clean their house and that she can see that he doesn’t’ want to be there and so on. I told her that I’ve told him to stay home that I’d clean their house myself and it might take me a day or two to get it all done but I’ll get it done to stay home but he won’t because he says he doesn’t want me to have to do it all. Mom said that she could help and so could dad for that matter. I’m thinking, what planet did she come off of? Dad has never cleaned house ever in his life so why would he start now?! Besides, he’s not well either! Why can’t she just be happy that hubby’s there helping ME if nothing else? I know he’s not a great person to be around when with them but he’s tired of the crap that they’ve dished out to us and doesn’t have any bones about letting them know either which puts me in a hell of a position! I’ve asked him to stop his sulking and smile so I won’t have to explain it to them but he won’t. Then she thinks that hubby has to be with me every time I go up there because he is with me all the time. He’s protecting me because I can’t hear well and from their meanness towards me. He knows I’m terrified of them. Always have been and I guess I’ll always be. But, no, he doesn’t have to be with me all the time, he chooses to be and if I don’t want him to, I’ll tell him so but it’s the way WE are. We’re fine with it but mom said she’d love for me to come up by myself every now and then so I could stay and visit with them but as it is, hubby’s in a hurry to leave because he can’t get out of there fast enough. That’s not the case at all! It’s ME that’s in a hurry to get out of there because the tension in the air is so thick one can cut it with a knife! You know that saying, “when mom ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” Well, it’s TRUE in my mother’s case. She and dad fight like I don’t know what and I can not stand it!! It makes me so damned nervous that I can’t wait to leave and do once we’re finished. Not only that, she thinks that hubby is keeping me from going up there which is so not true! I took your advice (no pun intended!) and backed off a little bit and some more and more as time went by because it was driving me crazy! I have to get away from that and besides that, what about the hateful things they’ve both have said in the past? Those things hurt us and after all we’ve done and we get treated like we’re nothing but dogs? What the hell did they expect?? I don’t get it!! Another thing, dad keeps a little bit of money aside that mom doesn’t know about. He’s had to use it to pay some bills if and when mom didn’t have enough to pay out which is good and all but still, he has a ‘stash’ of his own and mom doesn’t know this. Again, referring back to that night they came over for dinner, dad had mentioned to hubby about his diabetes test strips and how the VA is sending him some but he needs some now but can’t afford the cost of them. Hubby told him “I guess you’re going to have to use some of your stash money” which got dad upset but he didn’t say anything, that I know of but told mom about it which made her mad. Now why did he do that if he doesn’t want mom to know about his ‘stash’? I finally told mom that we really need to talk and she agreed. I went up there Tuesday to do just that but first mom had to take a shower and then she laid down on the couch because she was dizzy and then had to do this and that and the other. She did say something about “I don’t know where hubby gets this idea that your father has a ‘stash’ and said stash in a snotty way. That’s when I told her that dad has told me the very same thing so I know hubby isn’t lying. She shut up then. Needless to say, we never had ‘the talk’ and when I went to leave, she went on and on about how wonderful it was to have me there to visit and how she really enjoyed it and that I’ll never know how much it meant to her to have me there bla bla bla That was all well and good to hear but damn it all, when we do have this talk, she’s going to feel bad knowing I’ve had this weight on me for so long. So no matter what I do, I’m in a lose lose situation! I haven’t told hubby anything yet out of fear he’ll go off the deep end. I’m going to have to come clean with everything, right from the start and lay it all out on the table and tell them to take it as they will because this is how it is. Another thing too, when I first got there, mom wasn’t there but dad was and he told me that they had a big fight the night before and they were still at odds. Then he told me that he won’t ask hubby to help him anymore because he’s tired of hearing about ‘did you ask so and so if they could help? They need to help out too’. Dad told him that they live four hours away and the drive itself is tiring and besides, when they are able to come down, they want to visit with them not work and then drive the four hours back home. Besides that, they both have two jobs and work such crazy hours that it’s hard for them to come down. Now I understand that but hubby’s point is, not every weekend but every 6 to 8 weeks which I agree with hubby on this part and told dad so. Dad just shook his head. I mean, if they can afford vacations to Hawaii, Bahamas, Alaska, Ireland, Paris and on and on then by God they could send some money down here to hire some help!! It’s just NOT fair that we carry the whole burden!! Another thing too, hubby is tired of my dad carrying on about my brothers did this my brothers did that. To hubby it sounds like dad’s put them on a pedestal and I’m nothing because he doesn’t talk about me at all. Well, dad taught my brothers how to play music, that’s why and they’re very good at it too. They won’t go pro because they don’t want to live in the public eye. The don’t want to be famous. However, mom told me many years ago that she and dad had made an agreement that he was to raise the boys and she was to raise the girls and maybe that’s why but I do know that dad loves me. There’s no question about that but still, hubby hates it when dad talks about my brothers and yet, I can understand why. So I’ve got to talk to them both and lay it all on the table. Everything that’s happened over the years that made hubby turn sour towards them all the way up to now. It’s the only way I’ll ever have a chance to make things right regardless if mom remembers any of it or not, it has to come out. To make this into a discussion, have you ever been put in such a position before? How did you resolve it?