I'm hurt! Did I do the right thing?
By babymc23
@babymc23 (153)
Philippines
July 11, 2010 5:42pm CST
Hi! I have this friend since high school. He is way talkative for his own good but he remained a steadfast friend to me when I needed friends the most. He was even the person who introduced me to his other friend, who in the long run became my boyfriend.
My boyfriend and I are eternally grateful to him for bringing us together and we always remember him on special occasions and such. We know that he feels left out since my boyfriend and I got together, so we reach out to him as often as possible.
This friend changes girlfriends like he was just changing clothes. In the last few years, he has introduced us to about 20 girls. Some lasted for a few months or even if he was in a relationship, he has a 'spare' on hand. I really hated it everytime he comes to us when he has girl problems. It usually revolved around the girls using him for his money alone. It even came to a point that he threatened to end his own life because of a girl. I was so pissed that I slapped him to bring him back to his senses.
The heart of the matter is, on facebook he is always posting things like where are my friends and such. He might be feeling lonely, so we set a date with him. This is one of the many that he committed to but he did not show up to. I was angry at him again and insulted that he keeps on posting things like that and will just forget our date. I exchanged private msgs with him, explaining our side and he also explained his side. His main point is, he really feels left out and because of that he will be silent from then on. I wanted to talk face to face but he wouldn't listen. I wanted to go to his house but by then, my boyfriend was mad at him as well. I pinged my friend a couple of times but he is not responding to anything as of now.
I need advice please. If you were in my place, what would you have done?
3 people like this
12 responses
@jerikjames (1041)
• Philippines
11 Jul 10
He's heartbroken right? And I think he's going through a hard time right now. You said that his girlfriends always use him for his money right? I believe this would have taken a toll on his ego, greatly dropping his self-confidence. I think you shouldn't have arranged him on a date, a date surely isn't what he needs right now. What he needs now is comfort, attention, and encouragement. You will be pissed off with what he would say and his actions, but if you're really a true friend, you will be patient with him and will be sensitive to his needs.
@babymc23 (153)
• Philippines
12 Jul 10
Hi jerikjames, I'm sorry if I was not clear on my earlier post. What I meant was my boyfriend and I arranged a date with him, just the three of us. We wanted to show our support to him and help him out in his dilemma as well as show him that he have not forgotten about him.
Thanks for pointing that out though, you are right, I may be hurt because of his actions but he is also going through a tough time now. I guess, it might take some time for all of us to heal and be close again.
@jerikjames (1041)
• Philippines
12 Jul 10
Oh, so the three of you will go on a date. Hehe. I think you have to corner to spill his guts out. Just be there and be with him. =)
@sweetloveforeve (13120)
• Portugal
13 Jul 10
you must insist and insist in calling him and for sure he will answer his phone somehow^^ also maybe you better go to his house for sure he will open his door to you right? why dont you go with your other friends too? or why dont you pretend you are sick and need him to go visit you and you and your friends make a surprise party for him? for him to cheer up^^ im sure he would love it much. if you say you are sick and need him to be there for sure he will appear to support you even if he feels lonely and hurt if he cares for you so much will not let you be sick and not visit you right? so try to say this to him and make a surprise party to him^^ you and all your friends and for sure he will be smiling again and wont feel lonely anymore^^ also you guys could after this party have one day in the week where all can go dinner together or something^^
@babymc23 (153)
• Philippines
14 Jul 10
wow, those are some great ideas! Thanks for pointing out those possibilities. I gave me an idea.
I did think of going to his house, though for now, I might just give him some space. I don't want to fabricate something though so that he will go to me. He might get more pissed.
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
12 Jul 10
babymc23,
I do not think there's really much you can blame him for his shortcomings and what he is doing here.
With a string of past relationship failures of over 20 over, I do not think there's much to attest for as far as his social ability is concern. It may be a beating that he is taking and could also have a toll on him. However, if you are really his friends then I would advise that the both of you stop treating him like a wounded animal. Just have him in your thoughts and/or plans, but if he is not receptive or absent then, just leave it to his will.
Sometimes, a person just needs time alone to tend to their wounds and having that thought that there are friends behind should really suffice. Like a child, have you ever noticed that there are times the more we chase the further they will try and flee.
So, just know when to be firm and when to let go - I have to say that your slap was indeed the right thing to do there. Other than that, I suppose it is time for him to gather himself and grow up within his realms.
Take care and have a nice day.
@vulgarlittleprincess (919)
• Canada
12 Jul 10
He probably feels like a third wheel when you and your boyfriend hang out with him. He misses his old friends who he could hang out with alone without them being a couple. Why not try hanging out with him alone? Like before you and your boyfriend got together. He probably needs some guy time with his friend. He sounds depressed and like he's looking for someone to fill the void he feels. Maybe he ahd a crush on you once upon a time and seeing you with his friend hurts his heart?
@babymc23 (153)
• Philippines
13 Jul 10
haha! yeah I did have that hunch before. But I just shrugged it off. :) I don't think that is the case. We cleared the air on that one. You are very perceptive. :)
I did talk to my boyfriend about that and I even jokingly told him that when the three of us are together, we(my boyfriend and I) are not a couple. :)
@doulaworks (1079)
• United States
12 Jul 10
I am sorry you are so hurt, but you didn't cause his problems. Sometimes we out grow people and relationships as we grow and move throguh our life's journey. I would send him a message and tell him if he chooses to be a part of your life, then you welcome him, but that you are not comfortable talking about his relationships with women. it is hard setting boundries, but it is important for our own mental health to do so. Best wishes!
@snowhybiscuis (1882)
• Philippines
12 Jul 10
Your friend seems that he doesn't know what he really wants in his life. He will need to mature. I just don't know if you can help him in that aspect. You see, it will always start with him. He should stop for a while and evaluate where he is right now. He should learn to be in touch with his emotions and he needs to identify where he wants to take his future. Being his friend, tell him these things. And pray for him.
@34momma (13882)
• United States
12 Jul 10
i think you friend just might be jealous of your relationship with your boyfriend. Thanking him for bring you two together should be more then enough. and he should not make you feel bad or guilty because you two want to spend time together. he needs to grow up and get a life of his own.
@screwdriver (643)
• Philippines
12 Jul 10
This means that your friend is still immature in so many things. He should learn to grow and maybe with your help it will make him a better person. Try to explain it to him that changing girlfriends is not a good idea. I think he is just committing a relationship and just like playing games. I wish he would realize it soon before its too late.
@babymc23 (153)
• Philippines
13 Jul 10
Hi!
We did point that out to him like every time he prepares us to meet his girlfriend. We also encourage him to get to know someone better before committing himself. I think he is mature in a lot of ways but I can say that his weakness is with his relationships.
We have also been hoping to that. Here's to hoping! :) thanks!
@eurekafemme (5876)
• Philippines
12 Jul 10
You've done everything you could to make him feel that you are his friend still and that he can count on you.He has no right to tie you up with him since you two were just friends. You need to get a life of your own.
For now, just give him some space.Though it might not be easy for both of you but seems the best way to do. Because as I can see it, no amount of explanation from your side will put sense into his head. So, let him be alone first. When he is calmer, you can start wooing his friendship again.;-)
@Candymin (145)
• China
12 Jul 10
Hello, Babymc.
Your friend must be in a depressive and rough situation. Maybe he needs time to digest his failure with his ex-girlfriends and needs time to grow up to form a much more mature mentality. If he is an important steadfast friend to you and your boyfriend and you treasure this friendship, please don't give up. Give your friend time and space to recover and mature himself. God bless you and your friend.
Happy mylotting!
@raviteja_ravi84 (2620)
• India
12 Jul 10
Well he definitely has an attitude and i guess a bad one. But since he's your best friend you won't be able to see any faults in him as a book too close to the eyes cannot be read. You and your boyfriend should probably invite him over and then have a long talk about what's happening to his life and why he is doing that to himself. He needs to know what's wrong with him. He wants to be close to you but hes refraining himself from doing so. He should know your value and your friendship's value. Make him realize that.
@ReadyWriter12 (124)
• United States
12 Jul 10
BabyMc23, you have done all you can do. It sounds like your friend needs to have professional help, no kidding around. I know someone who acts the way your friend does and I know that he needs professional help but he refuses to go. I know that you want to help him and be there for him but sometimes you must be there for people at a distance. You must want the help and then try to do for yourself first instead of trying to get people to do it for you or stringing people along. Care about him but don't let him train your life or disrupt your current relationship. One of the issues sounds like depression, that is clinical. If you think that he will try to harm himself, you have a right to report that situation.
