holding revenge

Pat- Great topic! I think all of us as humans struggle with this, we're lying to ourselves if we say we've never had this issue. I think it is sad that anyone loose so much time, but I can understand why this may be the case. I'm not so sure I agree with "forgiveness is the way". I do believe, personally, there are things that are simply not forgivable, such as violent transgressions etc. However, there is the ability to let that past go, give it up to God as the old saying goes and move forward. I think that there are times when the person who may very well hold a grudge needs to be ok with their choice. If they choose to not have a relationship with someone they need to be confident in their decision. I think when they begin to doubt their own choice is when the grudge sets in. Namaste-Anora

Dont be to hard on your mother, im sure she had her reasons for staying in the relationship for that long. Sometimes the person just cant bring themselves to get out of it for whatever reason. I too am in the same situation for over 20 years and honestly dont know what to do. Even as i write this i have been trying to sort threw my mind all day what i need to do... stay or leave.... continue being married to someone that i cant get along with or file for divorce... its a very hard choice and yes i do have some grudges and regrets along the way. Some things people do are just in my book unforgiveable. Small things is no reason to hold a grudge but there are some things that happen that have hurt you so deeply that you cant just forgive.

I do hold some grudges but try to bury them deeply. I've let go of a lot of them. I had a grudge against my ex husband and every time I achieve peace and forgiveness, there comes an occasion where we have to talk on the phone about our sons and he always makes sure he says something hurtful about our past marriage. Then it starts all over again. I know it's because I let him make me feel badly and I have to take control of myself but hurt is very difficult to deflect. I'll get there someday! On my miniminder I get a quote each day. The other day it was about a man who was speaking to his grandson and said he had two people at war inside him, one a loving and compassionate person and another filled with hatred and resentment and fear. Grandson asked which one would win and Grandfather said "The one I feed, of course." I'm still thinking about that one and trying to achieve that sort of peace.

Not that long! I'd much rather forget, find somebody new (or not) and enjoy my life....

I don’t know how one can stay imprisoned in resentment and hatred from the past for such a long time. I was badly hurt by someone many years and I was living an angry and bitter life for so long until I decided to forgive; not to condone what was done to me but so I could let it go and get on with my life which is too precious to waste hating. I am sorry your mother wasted so much time in such a dark place, it is such a shame but the good thing is that it has taught you to let go of negativity as much as possible and cherish each and every day.

Wow, 20 yrs? I sure hope she managed to get over it. I used to for a little while but I dont anymore. I simply forget the people who did something to me and move on. Life's too short for me to spend my time thinking about these people. It usually is not pleasant to be around people who hold a grudge against someone. Now I believe in "live and let live"

dear pat, i dont think i can hold a grudge for so long. my energy just gets drained when i get upset.. and grudge? oh my! i might have a stroke just being angry. do you mean to say, she is no longer angry now and that she has moved on? that is wonderful then. ann

Several people have harmed me in the past.I could not understand the reason why?But for the past 15 years or so i avoid them mainly to minimise friction.I don't hold it against them.Probably in my younger years i couldn't forgive them easily,but now i don't hold it against them as i find it only saps my energy.

Holding grudges for any length of time is, as you say, a waste. It not only eats into your life but also those around you and most of the time I find those people are either not worth it or the person holding a grudge cant actually remember why in the first place. I am not one to hold a grudge for very long. I think sometimes I am too forgiving though isnt it better to be forgiving than to let something eat away at you.

no i don't hold grudges as such.. but i take people on face value and even if someone says 'watch out' unless the person concerned gives me reason to do otherwise, then i will continue as i was! however should someone cross me then i admit they don't get a second bite at the apple.. they are out of my life and i think no more about it. i watched my family hate my birth father as i grew up, for what he did to my mum. i'm not going to say we are now bosom buddies.. quite the opposite! i wouldnt know him if i passed him in the street. my mum is a darling but i know too how hard work she can be so i guess it was 6 of one and a half dozen of the other in that relationship. however i have no wish to meet him as in all my life he never attempted to see me exceptto attempt to kill me when i was 10 days old. even so i dont bear a grudge towards him, i just have no interest in him! x

Hi savypat Yes, I'm afraid I have held grudges, but never for that long, and not against my immediate family. I held a grudge against my step-father for 2 years because he was an ignorant drunk. But you're right...it's wasted time that is lost forever. Your mom must have been very unhappy during that time, and probably made those around her unhappy, too. All we can do is learn from mistakes and make sure we don't do as others do.

I believe in forgiveness and i am ready to forgive my wife for anything...and i dont want to spoil our relationship at any cost. i love her lots. I know we make mistakes in life, we are all human beings. I believe if i was in her place i would have also done that mistake. so i am ready to forget the mistakes and accept her and love her more than before.