Attack the Behavior and not The Personality...

Philippines
July 24, 2010 6:19am CST
I'm not sure if you will agree with me. However, I agree with the above statement. Usually whenever we want something corrected we tell the person that what the person did is bad or not right. For example, your son grabbed another kid's cellphone. The normal reaction of parents would be to tell the child, "That's bad. Don't do it again." The kid would then feel that he is bad because of what he did. Telling the child what he did is bad is an attack to his personality. When we attack the kid's personality he feels helpless and tends to feel like he is stuck into being bad and that's what he is. It's hard to change. A different approach in this situation is to attack the behavior (what he did). Instead of saying, "That's bad!" tell the kid what is bad. We have to be specific with what behavior is bad to make them understand we are not talking about them. We can tell the kid instead, "When you grabbed the cellphone from that kid it made him cry." The kid would then think why it made the other kid cry. He would then think why does he usually cry? He would then realize that grabbing the cellphone from someone else would make them cry. By doing so we are attacking the behavior and not his personality. What's the behavior? It's the act of grabbing the cellphone. I'm not sure if you guys agree with me. What do you think?
4 responses
@tomitomi (5429)
• Singapore
25 Jul 10
Hi Ladyslipper! You are superb. I'm on your side. I've heard it said "Hate the wrong but love the child". They both mean the same as I see it. That's disciplining with dignity. You explain that he does is bad and not to make the child feels that he's bad. Good to be reminded. And thanks!
• Philippines
6 Aug 10
Hi Tomitomi! Thanks for the response! "Hate the wrong but love the child." This one is nice and the statement says a lot. :) It's a very strong statement and a very clear and good example of what I meant. Have a nice day!
@jennyze (7028)
• Indonesia
25 Jul 10
I agree with you. When you see a toddler trying to climb a ladder, instead of saying: Don't climb! you might want to say: Be careful and go after the toddler and stand by behind.
• Philippines
6 Aug 10
Hi Jennyze, Thanks for the response. This is a good example. When we tell the child not to climb the ladder the child will not understand why. They might even get confused and might think climbing a ladder is wrong. We can tell the child, "You may climb the ladder if you promise me you'll be careful and you'll let Mom stay beside/ behind you or climb with you.
@mods196621 (3652)
• Philippines
25 Jul 10
Yes I agree with you and I like the way how to correct the negative habit of one's person. Correct them in a way that is best for them or for us also. Thanks at least I gather again another good example. Have a nice day!
25 Jul 10
Behavior and personality are different from one another because when you say behavior its the thing you have done and personality is the identity of the person which means why you should attack the personality for some reason you are talking on what he has done the behavior. we should be analyzing the behavior not with the person. we are mad on what he did but we are not mad on the person itself for a righteous manner.
• Philippines
6 Aug 10
Hi Charmlenile, Good day to you! I agree with what you said. Personality is totally different from behavior. What we want to correct is the act or behavior of the person. When we attack the personality the person tends to be defensive and might even have the impression we don't like them as a person when in fact what we don't like is the act. It's very important to make an emphasis on this and to let the individual understand it specially when we are dealing with children. Thanks for the response and happy Mylotting!