does the past of your lover matters to you? how do you deal with it?
By aaronfyzeon
@aaronfyzeon (1920)
Philippines
August 9, 2010 1:20pm CST
We are now very happy that we already found SOMEONE that we love. We are enjoying the times you are being together! you are proud of yourself as well that he / she loves you. But sometimes his / her past will be an issue! Yes! it will really be an issue no matter how cool we are with our lover's past! will you mind if you are the 47th girlfriend / boyfriend that he or she had? Of course that will make you think. Will you be bothered that his or her ex lover is now a best friend where in he can confide some things that he cannot make with you? Do you compare yourself with his or her ex lovers?
You are a bright person and you value yourself so much! How would you deal with your lover's past?
Sometimes for me it really is an issue. sorry guys but I have to admit it. I am bothered somehow if my guy is still THAT CLOSE to his previous girlfriends. I try to think about it. If they are that close then why did they break up anyway? But that is not the point. Please tell me how do you deal with this. Thank you so much! I have a lot of things to say but then I will just post some comments in each of your responses.
3 people like this
14 responses
@ledifdynasty1994 (184)
• Saudi Arabia
9 Aug 10
I think past it not an issue for me as long as my partner tell to me before we've been together.At the first place I'm the one who choose to her and court her.And in the process of courting she already tell me everything now it not an issue her past right now and vice versa I will tell her everything in my past.So that everything will be smooth to us along the way of our relationship.
2 people like this
@aaronfyzeon (1920)
• Philippines
13 Aug 10
thank you for the nice answer and sharing your experience. Yes it is the past and it is already had ended. It is good to be really open to each other about what happened to it to have a closure as well. We will be able to know if that person from his past is really worth make contact with him. Because if there had been any closure, if they just separated because of the distance between them then it would really be an issue if they get together again in the future. Have a great weekend.
@Ingkingderders (3832)
• Philippines
10 Aug 10
Well, a guy and a girl can be close and not have feelings for each other. I have a lot of close guy friends, and I don't have feelings for any of them, maybe they are just really meant to be friends that is why they broke up...Past is past, and although you can't help but feel jealous (And I do felt the same way, when I was comparing myself to my boyfriend's exes), but it won't really help your relationship, and worse, it can even ruin it.
My boyfriend's past is not unknown to me, since we have known each other since we were in grade school, I practically know his whole life before we met each other, and the past, no matter how much I try to not think about it, will always come and hunt me, as he has a son with an ex, and of course they stay in contact with each other, and the ex is close to his family, so she does stay in contact and even attends family gatherings. At first I was so jealous and hurt, but now I have gotten used to it, and I think it was not anybody's fault, and as long as I trust my boyfriend then I don't see any reason why I should still be hurt or jealous of it. 
@Ingkingderders (3832)
• Philippines
15 Aug 10
Hey Aaron, I think nobody really wanted to have a complicated situation, and I mean, if I feel jealous, it won't really help anybody, since we really can't do anything about what happened. I love their son as much as them, and I don't want him to feel that his parents are not talking or fighting because of me, it just won't be fair for him.
1 person likes this
@aaronfyzeon (1920)
• Philippines
13 Aug 10
Thank you for being open-minded and very understanding. That is what I really mean. it has been an issue to you before and now you just got used to it. We are just human beings and we will really feel jealous about it at first. But are you just going to punish yourself by thinking about it all the time? They will really have a certain connection because they have a son. This is really a complicated situation. But you still managed to be cool with it. Trust is the basic thing to consider in this kind of situation. I really admire you for being so cool about it. Have a great weekend!
1 person likes this
@aaronfyzeon (1920)
• Philippines
15 Aug 10
That is so nice of you. Thank you for commenting back. I guess I will do the same thing with you if I were to be in that situation.
@amandakringle (109)
• United States
9 Aug 10
I personally don't mind if a guy is friends with an ex. My only issue comes when that ex is placed above me on his priority list. I also don't necessarily mind if he confided in her about somethings like a suprise party for me. However where I would have an issue is if it effected me or our relationship in a serious way and he tried to hide it from me. Otherwise I think that its cool and would have complete faith in him.
1 person likes this
@zsarhea (302)
• Austria
10 Aug 10
@ amandakringle: i do agree with you...thats why it is called past coz its past,hehe so we just have to get over it.@aaron:The point is,you are with her/him and not the ex.Well if you feel that he/she is being too close to his/her ex then its another story...it might be because he/she want you to feel that way or your being insecure or something,sorry didnt mean anything bad,just trying to say my side,hehe
@aaronfyzeon (1920)
• Philippines
13 Aug 10
Thank you both fellow MyLotters, It is ok to state your own opinion. I am really cool with it. You are absolutely correct. He is already with me and I should not worry things like that anymore. But then the nature of this guy (my guy) is a girl magnet. He is really makes himself close to the girls he is being with in a friendly manner. But I wouldn't really know. I will not do injustice to myself thinking of what he is always doing with his life. I still trust my instincts. I am an intelligent person to know if he is cheating or not. I am not bragging but I will exert an effort to be really smart inorder for me not to be cheated. if he does then it's over. Have a great day to the both of you.
@thanks1961 (7035)
• India
10 Aug 10
Hi dear,
In fact you took me to go back to several years - may be 15, 20 or above. It was my first desire (I cannot say love). It may be love, but at that time at the age of 13 or 14 but it was my great life time. Someone I liked differently. May be a start up of something like that ... It was the time I started making a signature for me. I tried and selected a nice one as my signature. But I was not sure that my love will go on, because I just liked and I hate to say it is as love. But the other party was not knowing only. I kept the love in my heart for 6 years. And finally she it was the time to move away from the school. I didn't open my mouth not even once.
But still I loved here. May be fear or whatever I just liked and wished to be with me for ever. Afterwards, I was far away from her. But all about her was so near to me. Time moved out. But I kept her name alongwith my signature. Still, she is with me as the signature. Whenever I put the signature, she live alongwith me.
I think I keep you boring. But the story goes . . . .
Regards,
Thank-s
1 person likes this
@thanks1961 (7035)
• India
16 Aug 10
Hi dear,
It is not the like. That was the one and only 'real' thing, that is taken birth from the mind when I was a boy of 12-13 years old. And even I knew that I liked - nothing else. After a few years thank 'liking' continued only in the mind and never express in any way. It so the particular 'liking' out of 100s was the desire to be togetherness. These all I come to know only when I grown up.
As you say, still being alone, it is a pleasure to be along with those golden days and which cannot be able to replace with anything. Even I like this solitude (loneliness) very much. Perhaps, these memories may be the good thing that having a direct meet at the later time, which may in turn make unhappy.
So, I got experienced this loneliness through the years and become habituated. Only one desire left now. Just see once before ends say good by the world.
Thank you for your valid comments and touching response.
Regards,
Thank-s
@aaronfyzeon (1920)
• Philippines
13 Aug 10
Hello thanks, no dear you did not made me bored. you just made me think deeper about this signature that you were referring too. I know it is a figurative speech but i'm really wanting to figure it out. So are you saying that you still have this feeling for her? If you have a current relationship now and you haven't ended it yet with the one bearing your signature then that is the thing I was pertaining that the current one should have an issue about if there is no closure at all with the past one. Thank you so much for this wonderful response thanks. Have a great weekend.
@bloemart (222)
• Philippines
10 Aug 10
I know how hard to deal with those wachamacol exes. But I have to consider that past is past, no matter what happened in the past we should take it as it is. The good thing is that they separated in good terms. And now, you are the present girlfriend you have to consider that thing, she is just like a garbage, that he already dumped (or recycle). What's the matter with friendship. All you need to do is trust him. Why don't you make friend with her too, so that you would compare yourself with her.
1 person likes this
@aaronfyzeon (1920)
• Philippines
13 Aug 10
Hello bloamart. thank you for the advice. yes I trust him and he is not screwing up yet though. If he does then it will be the end of it. so he can still do what he wants to do to himself and be friends with the girls he wants to befriend. Unless there might be suspicious acts he is doing then it's time for me to find out what it is. No dear, I would just have to disagree with the garbage thing. If the person has broken up with you it may be having a good reason for a break up and not only because he doesn't want the girl anymore so it will just be compared to a garbage being thrown out. every person has a value. We should all not be compared to a garbage being thrown out in the trash can either literally or figuratively. Have a nice weekend ahead.
@mallow0805 (16)
•
10 Aug 10
"Past is past" as the saying goes.sometimes we tend to look at the past as the basis of our present.But the past is still the big issue for me.its because when we didn't meet the expectations of our partners some of them tend to compare us from their partners.it is very painful and insulting for me to hear such comparison from my partners,well maybe their intentions aren't that bad.but the act itself is such hurtful.as my coping mechanism,I always tell him that i can never be his past but in a sweet way of course and tell him that i will love him the way I know..
1 person likes this
@aaronfyzeon (1920)
• Philippines
13 Aug 10
Yes you are absolutely correct. you will really be compared to the past lovers if there is a love quarrel. We should just accept each other's weaknesses for us not to compare or be compared to the past. It is good that you are still telling him that one in a sweet manner though. There should always be someone who would mellow from any quarrel and admit that he or she is wrong for you to be able to be good again. Have a great weekend and thank you for the nice response.
@Rtlsnk316 (1197)
• Mexico
9 Aug 10
To me it really has been an issue, I don't know.
I can say it's probably because of my low self esteem, maybe not that much trust in my significant other, or maybe I like to torment myself.
I am not really sure, but if someone can help me understand this and give me a few pointers on how to handle it, I would really appreciate it.
Kind regards.
1 person likes this
@aaronfyzeon (1920)
• Philippines
13 Aug 10
Thank you for agreeing. Well somehow you need to trust your significant other but then how will you be able to trust this person if you he already did something for you not to trust him again. Give him the chance to do what he wants to do but just has a limit. IF he breaks your trust then It will be up to you if you will give him another chance. Having a low self esteem will make us really insecure. But do not let this insecurity eat you. You should have a peace of mind just letting him do with what he wants to do because it would be a torment to yourself if you always think of what he is doing every time. This is also another topic to be discussed. You should also read some responses here so that you will also have an insight on what is the best thing for you to do as well because for me I am still not really that sure. Have a nice week end.
@voldrox (7191)
• India
10 Aug 10
Hi aaronfyzeon,
I am with you on this one. I can't stand if my girl would have any feelings left for her ex. I am not going to listen to anything, now she is with me then she has to forget her ex no matter what or else she should not be thinking much about me. I can't really let that happen you know. After all that i am giving to her, she should not think of her ex. If her ex would contact her anytime, i would rather give her a choice to choose between the two. I can't let her be with me if she is bothered by her ex anymore. M is asking too much? I don't see a point in breaking if the ex's still think about each other, you are absolutely right. Umm.. i would not even let my girlfriend be just friends with her ex's, m sorry but that is one condition she will have to follow. I don't see any point in having friendship with the ex's, it seems like they have not completely forgotten each other and some of their past remains with each other.
I am totally willing to forget her past if she is willing to forget it too and if she going to give all of her to me. I have to be good to her too.
1 person likes this
@aaronfyzeon (1920)
• Philippines
13 Aug 10
Thank you so much! what more can I say but you said it all. I would just like to add that you really READ my post. we are just pure human beings and it is really not ok or we will really be bothered if they are talking on the phone or personally. YES some might say that they are ok with it because they are just talking but then, deep inside your heart you would want to know what they are talking. am I right???
1 person likes this
@shia88 (4571)
• Malaysia
10 Aug 10
Hi,
Let's put the past aside and start with a fresh new life.
For me, I have forgetton about my past lovers and that time,
I am still young and I may not know the real meaning of Love.
So I will say those are like "monkey love" to me.
I even have forget about their looks.
Now, I am concentrating on my current life,with my family.
I am glad that I have a happy family,a lovely husband and one
cute little boy.
Never do a comparison between the current and the past. Nothing to
be compared about. Whatever has happened,it was over. It won't come back
again.
As for my husband's past, we did talk about it when we were dating.
My husband has told me about his past and he love me now,that is the most
important. He has forgetton about his past and we just start our new life
together.
1 person likes this
@aaronfyzeon (1920)
• Philippines
13 Aug 10
awww,, that is so nice to hear shia. Yes you are correct to put the past aside and move on. cherish the new relationship, do not compare yourself to the past lovers he had and most important to start a new life. This is a very nice example of you and your husband that he told you all about his past and got over it. Wishing you a more happy lovelife than how happy you are now with it. Have a great weekend.
@sender621 (14894)
• United States
10 Aug 10
Everyone has a past. Lovers from that past have their way of haunting the present. Facing the past and accepting it for wht it is makes it less of a trial to bear. Some people will bring their past relationships into present ones. This can complicate any uncertain future. Live in the present nd show your commitment to the one you love. Whoever they shared love with in the past can remain a precious memory. Don't let that past be an obstacle instead.1 person likes this
@aaronfyzeon (1920)
• Philippines
13 Aug 10
Thank you so much for the great advice that I should not let the past be a hindrance to our great relationship. Yes the past can be a precious memory. But making it really precious would still be able to bring our feelings as well. It is good if that person that was shared as a precious memory is not near us because it will really make me at ease. But what if he or she is just around and easy to be contacted? (there is facebook) It will somehow make us bothered but then let us all not be so much affected by that. We should love ourselves and not do injustice by thinking about it all the time. Have a great week ahead of you.
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
10 Aug 10
It depends on what's going on. I personally dont like my husband's ex girlfriend because she is crazy. She think that she is so much better than me and that she does things that will make me look poor. I feel sorry for her cause she's so bitter. I think she is so jealous of me cause she knows that she was not equally loved.
1 person likes this
@aaronfyzeon (1920)
• Philippines
13 Aug 10
That was what I am talking about! we really are human beings. We would still feel bothered but not insecured because we clearly know we are better then the past that is why our guy chose us. This will not be an issue in our relationship if they are not getting too close at all. thank you so much for the response and have a great weekend.
@sachin20shah (25)
• India
10 Aug 10
when u have toughtime with ur grl frn it matters because the issue comes in between
@aaronfyzeon (1920)
• Philippines
13 Aug 10
Yes the past will really be an issue because it is in between of you and that is what separates you. Let us all have the effort of forgetting and leaving the past behind and move on. Thank you so much for the brief and concise response. Have a nice weekend.
