DiFFicuLt TOPIC* ChiLdhood nighTmaRe Years of Silence

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I was 11 yrs old a couple of months away from 12 and yes indeed my parents were very strict growing up and everything they did was to protect me just as any parent does for there child to keep them away from harm. My parents tried to not be to hard but for the most part were I am their only daughter what did we expect right? My parents always met all my friends parents regardless if I was just going to their house or just to go see a movie. (they required it) There was nothing wrong with their parenting that is the way it should be my point to get to it is that regardless of all their efforts of protecting me unfortunately I still ended up being a victim of rape as a minor. Unfortunately, because of the circumstances of how I thought at that age I felt as if I was ripped away something that was so treasured and valued I was ashamed of what had happened and did not know how to express all that I was feeling because of what happened. I always felt that it was my fault because I should not had put myself in such a position to where this happened. The way it went was as follows: One of my best friends indtroduced me to one of her best friends and we went to her house and she would come to mine (my parents met her parents) and I always knew that they were good friends and I really was not aware of how she truely was until this day; she calls me and tells me that my best friend and her were going to the movies and she asked if I wanted to come a long and well I told her that my parents would drop me off and she said, "No, my mother is going to take us don't worry about it" I asked my parents for permission and they allowed me to go. I get in the car and I do not see my friend so I tell her hey where is she? She tells me, "Oh yeah, she couldn't make it", well comes to find out the person she said claimed to be her mother was actually her sister and next thing you know she hops out of the car and then two guys get in. I did not know what to think, I was confused. I told her aren't we going to the movies? Can you take me home please. One of the guys started laughing and just says relax we are just going to hang out. I was put in a very uncomfortable situation that I did not know how to get out.(no cellphone axcess) I did not know what to do I had a horrible gut feeling a girl just knows when things are not right. They ended up parking at some park next to some portapotties and they popped open the trunk and bam they had beer :0/ not pleasant they tried to insist for me to drink I kept telling them no thank you and she was like o come one it's not going to kill you. Regardless of what they were commenting I did not drink. It turned out that one of the guys was her boyfriend and pretty much she just used me to get to spend time with him. Once again I did not know her all too well at all nor her behavior patterns or anything so all of this was just out of no where. I was indeed the so called party pooper I just knew things were not right. The guys were excessively drinking and it was just fustrating that I had no way of getting help to get out of all of that* I really really needed to use the restroom I do not like using the porta potties but wow it was just to it's max I had to! That is the thing I regret the most out of everything because that is when this unjustified behavior happened; I locked the door just as normal and as I was going I saw that he was picking at the lock; I was terrified my heart was beating so fast I could barely breath it was as if I knew something really horrible was about to happen. At first I thought he was just playing but then I realized I do not know him and even if I did that is just not a joke. Well, he ended up forcing his way in (he was drunk)and the worst of all it happened so sudden that it was obvious that he caught me right when I had my pants and everything down and he just shoved his hand in my mouth so no body could hear me scream I ws so scared I do not even know how to express the terrible feeling I felt so helpless. I tried so hard to kick him off but take into mind my pants were half down bc I was initially going to the restroom. It was the worst thing ever I was so ashamed* finally he stopped and just threw me and closed the door. I was shaking I did not want to go out there. With no form of communication I did not know what to do I was 11 all I wanted to do that night was go watch a movie I never meant to have put myself in such a screwed up situation to where I literally am scared. When I got out of the restroom I went to the car and told her I want to go and she was just on top of her bf doing him on her own will and was like oh can you wait...... everything came crashing down she knew this was going to happen! I just wanted to get home. Finally she agreed I get home and all I did was go to the restroom and sit there with steaming hot water according to me trying to wash a way the filth and the shame. I blamed myself for putting myself in that position and for having to use the restroom at the worst unexpectable time. How was I suppose to know all of that was going to happen to me all from just going to a movie? How was I suppose to know that those restrooms can be forced open even if locked? I never wanted for this to happen to me and I always knew that if ever I said anything I was automaticaly degraded as a woman and that my parents would fault themselves. I was scared.. I was a little girl none of that had even crossed my mind. For many years I kept that black spot from everyone I did not want for people to feel sorry for me..... I failed to report this incident and a long with all of that the pig is free they were 18!!!!!! I was only 11. I was always a very closed expressed person and with this situation of just pure humiliation even more. I never spoke or directed a word to her ever since. She put me in a situation that I did not agree to and the worst part of all is that who would have ever known that this world is so small. I carry a 8 yrs of knowing my honey and 6 relationship and it turns out that she is his cousin. The only reason this came up was because he asked me today what problem do we have only because it is true I do NOT say hi to her nor direct any words to her and she knows why.