Wait - Are we still in HIGH SCHOOL??
By Raven7317
@Raven7317 (691)
United States
August 26, 2010 2:12pm CST
I reconnected with a friend from high school last year. We were very close in school, but after graduating, life took over, we lost touch. Well, our 20th reunion was last year so I took the time to find her; turns out she lives in the very city I do, not 4 miles from me. So we reconnected - it started out great, we caught up, remembered old times and got to know each other again.
She works, her kids are older and younger than mine and she's in a miserable marriage. So we made do with phone calls a few times a week, and we tried to get together on one of the two days she's not working. Well, the last few weeks have been very busy for me, and we haven't hung out in, I don't know, 2 weeks.
She did come to my son's 5th Birthday party over this last weekend, but kept to herself, didn't bring her son, was miserable and near tears because of yet another fight with her husband, and she left after an hour.
Today, I call her and I get the comment, "I figured you found someone else to hang out with." (WHAT?) I say, "Why would you say that?" She says, "Well, there alwasy seems to be someone else."
My first thought was, I DO HAVE OTHER FRIENDS! But, not being an overly confrontational person, I just said, "well, yeah, it's been a busy few weeks."
I was kind of insulted! I felt like we were in high school again - the petty jealously over having more than one friend!
Even if I give her the allowance of being in a miserable marriage, and she doesn't have many friends, that's still no reason to make me feel bad just because I have other friends who can actually DO stuff with me and my son!
I'm a SAHM and my whole world is my son, so we are very busy - and I call many friends, schedule many playdates and activities with as many moms as I can. She is only available 2 days during the week, and most of the time, doesn't have money to join us in some activities. And the few times I was doing stuff that was free (park/playground/beach), she acted funny because I invited others too...
Geez - remember when we were teenagers and we often wanted our BFF to ourselves?? HELLO - WE'RE GROWN WOMEN WITH CHILDREN!!
Thanks for 'listening'!!
4 responses
@therenthead (298)
• United States
26 Aug 10
Though it does seem rather immature of her to react like that, and you have every right to be annoyed, I think you also need to have to see it from her point of view. She's in a miserable marriage you said? That means that someone who is supposed to be there to support her is most likely tearing her down instead. That could be considered worse than not having a husband at all. Also, you said her "kids", meaning more than one, I assume? As you know, taking care of a child is stressful, and if she has more than one, even moreso, especially with her marriage issues. From what you said, she probably doesn't have many other friends to hang out with. You also said money was an issue for her. I think that she's probably feeling A) Sad and self-conscious because of her marriage, B) Stressed about taking care of her children and how the marriage affects them, C) Ashamed that she doesn't have the money to join you in some activities, and D) Lonely. She just needs someone to show they care about her, and that she's worth their time. She needs someone to listen and be there to support her. I don't think that's so juvenile. It's just human.
@Raven7317 (691)
• United States
26 Aug 10
Hi, thanks for the response. Yes, you're right that friends should try to see from other's point of view - and I do! Honestly, I do. I listen to her gripe about her miserable husband nearly every time we're together. I offer advise - that she never takes. I offer help to ease her stress - I've offered to take her kids for a few hours - she's only taken me up on this once, and that was so she could work. Yes, she has 4 kids, but 2 are grown. Her 'littles' are her son, who is 2 years older than my son, and her daughter, who is 2 years younger than my son.
Trust me - I've been where she is, I know how it feels... But it all kind of got on my nerves when she showed up miserable at my son's birthday party and all she wanted to do was gripe about her husband! While I had 20 or so people here, it's my son's special day - I'm sorry, it wasn't the time or the place. And then the comment today... it just got to me...
It just kind of grates on you after a while to have nothing but problems to listen to - and she has a way of making under the breath comments that are snarky and it really really make you think about teenage girls and their cattiness!
I know she's in a tough situation, but sometimes you just need to suck it up and pull yourself up by the bootstraps! I did...
@therenthead (298)
• United States
26 Aug 10
Ah, I see. If you've been there for her and offered advice but she chooses not to benefit, I can definitely understand how that would be more annoying. And you're right that constantly complaining is no way to handle any situation, and should especially not be done at a child's birthday party.
@ambercatharine (36)
• United States
26 Aug 10
I don't understand how some people don't realize that they can have more than a few friends. I have a variety of friends that I can talk to about a variety of things. I don't have just one friend who I tell everything to.
@Raven7317 (691)
• United States
26 Aug 10
Hi, thanks for the response. You know, when I was younger, or more specifically, before i had my son, I was one of those women who only had a handful of close friends. I never had tens and tens of casual friends, I had maybe 4 or 6 very close friends. But since I had my son, I've tried to expand, for him and for myself. I still only have 4-6 very close friends, but I've added casual friends too - mostly other moms from school/camp. My main goal is to have many friends and opportunities to make friends for my son. He's an only child, so we go to extra lengths to make sure he has an active social life...
For myself, it helps to have different friends for different purposes in my life. I really hope she gets over this because I am SO done with drama and petty jealousy.
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
26 Aug 10
This woman should be grateful to have you as a friend, as this I could not tolerate, I have my groups of friends where some are a certain way and others are other ways. This friend of yours sounds like she has some serious issues going on.
Perhaps she married way to young and shelter herself completely in her marriage and well her mentality is still back in high school.
Life if full of drama and as busy and productive human beings who want to deal with nonsense. Go figure.
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
26 Aug 10
I know you said that even given her the benefit of the doubt because of what she is going through right now, you still don't think she should act the way she is... Well I think that she is just lonely and needs someone all to herself, and while it should be her husband, she's kind of reaching out to anyone who might accept her for how she is right now.
I understand your point as well because you are grown up now and have children of your own, and instead of being kind of shunned away your friend should embrace the other mothers who she could start friendships with, and whose children can play with her children.
I just hope everything works out for her and for you.
@Raven7317 (691)
• United States
26 Aug 10
Hi, thank you for the response. Yes, I do give allowances for her tough situation, I've been there, I know how she feels. But some days, I just can't take it... On the day of my son's birthday party, she wanted to pull me aside and complain about her husband... I had 20 or so people here and I just wanted to have a happy day, focus on my son's special day... not listen to the same old problems that she does nothing about!
Well, I'm sure it will work out, but I'm also sure it will because I make the extra effort to show her I want to be her friend, I am there for her, and she can count on me. But she also needs to learn (about me) that there's only so much I can put up with. If you're not going to take the steps to fix what makes you miserable, you have just got to suck it up and accept it as it is. There's just no other way - and you can be happy just by letting go and accepting.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
28 Aug 10
Hey, I'm not the only one that has been through this exact same situation recently. It was only about a week and a half ago that there was a girl that one of my best friends was friends with that decided she didn't need to be Stace's friend any more because she was friends with me. The other girl thought that even though she wasn't Stacy's best friend, she needed to have exclusive control over Stacy. It really reminded me of a childish situation. I've basically come to the conclusion that we really never grow up.
