When do you realise your marriage is over?
By dvmurphy
@dvmurphy (326)
United States
August 30, 2010 9:10am CST
I have been married for over 19 years. I have two grown children from another relationship. My husband and I have no children together. I recently went back to my home town for two months to take care of my son's business while he went to China. My granddaughter and daughter went with me as they also live with my husband and me. My daughter is going to college through internet classes.
When I came home my husband really had an attitude on me and started in on my grand-daughter of five and my daughter. I was suppose to be gone just three weeks but my only sister died of lung and brain cancer while I was home and it was devastating for the family. She was 45 yrs old. We had just lost our brother to cancer also ten months prior.
Any way since coming home he does nothing but complain and attack every little thing. I went to pay the bills and normally pay them in by telephone so I used his cell phone. I found a woman's number in his phone that I did not know. Turns out she is a barmaid from a biker bar. Now she is calling him and texting him even when he is home. I confronted him about it and he said he does little chores for the bar. Now though when we disagree he tells me "Why don't you move back home?" He grumbles about my use of the Internet and knows that I write for a living.
My question is "Is my marriage over? Is it time to just give up and move on? I really think he wants me to leave and take my daughter and granddaughter so he can move his biker babe in to my home." This would not be the first time he has cheated on me either.
6 people like this
16 responses
@czanwell_30 (717)
• Philippines
30 Aug 10
dear it was a very hard problem of us wives. We are doing everything we can to make our marriage work and this husbands most in general when they get to the point when they sip all our nectar, then they begin to change. Always cheating us and now what to do. I advice you, of you cannot live with him like that anymore then you better think of getting over your marriage.
If he is not happy with you then how can you be happy with yourself. It's really very hard to move on at first but you would get used to it. But prior to this, talk to him heart to heart. Maybe he needs to be confronted after all.
1 person likes this
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
30 Aug 10
this is sad dv,
i think that's about it. He doesn't deserve you i think, he's changed. i know it can be hard though, but are you willing to spend another rest of your life with a man who cheats with a woman. then, hurts you treat you like a stranger of the house?? i don't think so.
but it's your decision and life. but if i ever in your shoes, i would get seriously hurt. i can advice, and you already know what it is. but you have to make a decision, for your children and grand children as well..no doubt he will regret it in the end.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
1 Sep 10
I don't know what to tell you except that every situation is different, and when you are done, you will know that you are are done. Of course, it may not be up to you. If you're husband is done with the marriage, it's over too.... Best of luck to you, whatever happens.
@anuraa32 (2446)
• India
24 Feb 13
Hope you are doing well. Whatever problems you had were solved. But if the question of your peace of mind and your children's then you know what to do. Leave. Just dont take the crap anymore. Let it go. Love yourselve more than your husband who anyway does not love you.
@Libertywu (136)
• China
2 Sep 10
I do not think your marriage is over. Maybe there some midunderstandings happen to you and your husband. Do not lose heart. Talk to him sincerely.
@juliana23 (2)
• Philippines
22 Jul 12
iv been married for a year now,,so far its good even if me and my hubby are distance away ...but i do believe that love conquers everything......i just hope this love ...this marriage last...co'z i just can't imagine myself not believing in marriage and saying its over.......although lately my marriage are into struggles but i guess this marriage is still worth fighting for... but if it will come to a point that its not worth the fight anymore that instead of the marriage will make as a whole but will just shattered your totality that maybe its over
@rogue13xmen13 (14402)
• United States
31 Aug 10
You better get a friend of your's that he doesn't know very well, to go to that particular bar to check that out because I don't believe that.
He is cheating on you, I hate to say that, but that seems like code to me for cheating, and if that is the case then you better tell him how you feel, and that your not sure about your marriage anymore. Tell him that if he still cares about you to tell you the truth, and that you want to either work it out or separate. I don't know what else to tell you.
@writersedge (22563)
• United States
30 Aug 10
Then yes, if it's not the first time, I would say your marriage is over unless he's willing to go to counseling. Even if he is, it still might be over. First you have that he's asking why you don't move back home and then you think he wants you to leave and go with both your daughter and granddaugher. Can you explain what you mean? If you're not there. . .. I think he wants you to come back so he doesn't have to split everything in 1/2.
@SimpleBB (1329)
• Philippines
31 Aug 10
Sad to hear that dvmurphy,
I think you deserve to prove that you can stand on your own, I mean even without him. Though 19 years of being together is so hard to dump just like that. But you said that it is not the first time he cheated on you. So I think, that's the reason why he has the guts to tell you to move out.Perhaps he thinks that you could not leave him or just disregard your marriage with him. Since you can have have resources for a living, you can show him that you can live without him.
anyway, this is just my opinion based on your shared story, but it is still yourself who could decide for this. You know him well, and yourself if you can still or want to work it out. Analyze if this is just a test or you two both no longer bond by love you shared before. You are the only one to answer this. Good luck and Happy mylotting.
@phyrre (2317)
• United States
1 Sep 10
I think that's a really hard situation to be in, especially to not feel welcome in your own home, and I'm sorry you have to go through it. :( I'm also sorry to hear about your losses.
You have to ask yourself, is this really the sort of person you want to spend the rest of your life with and be around? If you've forgiven him once for cheating, can you really forgive him more than once? I've always told my husband that one time I can forgive him, but more than once and he'll have to forgive me for kicking him out. To me, it sounds like this guy doesn't deserve you.
If this is really bothering you, you might want to confront him. Tell him what you're thinking and that if he really wants a divorce then there's nothing you can do about it and you'll leave him. There's no since torturing yourself. You can't change someone's mind once they've decided something like that, unfortunately.
@sender621 (14893)
• United States
30 Aug 10
it is sad to see a marriage come to an end. We don't always see the warning signs that a marriage is in trouble until it is too late. When we love someone and they are falling out of love with us, we often can go into denial. When sure way to know that a marriage is over is when you stop communcating with each other. you spend less time with each other and the passion just isn't what you see in their eyes anymore. When you find excuses not to be together, the marriage is slowly coming to an end.
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
31 Aug 10
I went through the same changes when I was married and it is no fun. We as the wife find excuses and wonder what it is we do wrong.
I can tell you it does not get easier. I read that this is your second marriage and perhaps you feel that you do not want to let go again.
The most avid advise I can offer you hon as it was related to me many years ago, is that picture your life in 10 more years and whether you like it or not those are going to pass you by anyways. Is this how you want to continue to live and continue to be disrespected. I will not judge anyone who does not leave as no matter what I or anyone says you will not until you know in your heart of heart that you are ready.
See I too was cheated on numerous of times during the marriage and persisted on keeping my family I was 16 and he was 27. So twenty years go by and guess what I finally let him and in the interim of all he had 2 children with 2 other woman, Me I lost my most precious years.
But once I said I had enough I never looked back. So when you are ready you will know what to do. Good Luck hon, I know what you are feeling. 
@priyayogi (222)
• India
31 Aug 10
hi, i m realizing in my marraige is over means when i m geeting my idependent is over that time i feel my marraige life is over but it does not happpen in my life.beacause my husband is my friend so he give the freedom to me all the thtings.so i can do all things very perfectly and like him.so i can do all my work in apatriclar time.
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
30 Aug 10
I would say that since it isn't a first time thing. It does not look very good. I guess you need to decide if you are willing to fight for him or just give up and move on. It is a long time to just throw away, but not a situation you want to live with either. A nice long talk with him, might be what you need to make up your mind.
@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
30 Aug 10
Sounds as if it was over long ago.
I, too, lived with a cheating husband and forgave him many times, even when he brought home diseases from his wh$res. I thought if I was good enough I could make him love me again. There was a lot more to it than that--five years after my divorce I realize that it was doomed in the first year but dragged on for 19, I just didn't realize it.
You might be happier away from him. Go home for awhile, see if you can be happy by yourself with your family. You certainly aren't happy with him and he's not happy with you. A separation would be good for you at this point.
I'm so sorry this has happened, I know how painful it is. But you deserve better. Myself, I've decided I'm happier alone and although I thought my life would be miserable without him I am more content than I've ever been right now. I will never have another man in my life and that's fine with me.
I remember starting to cry when my lawyer congratulated me on my divorce right after I signed the final papers. But I know now that I was hanging on to what might have been, not reality.
Take some time to think. Get away and be with your family that loves you. He has decided that it is over and you need to accept that and make a new life for yourself. You deserve better than what he's giving you, which is nothing but trouble and selfishness.
