Should parents tell you the truth?
By awcase
@awcase (74)
United States
September 4, 2010 5:49pm CST
I have recently found that I have an older sister which has been hidden from me for 34 years. My whole life my parents kept this from me and I want to know what you think. Should parents tell the truth to their children why or why not?
Here is my story
I am 34 years old and about 11 years ago a letter came to my father's house. This woman was claiming that my father was her father. Dad told us a story of a woman he has relations with before my mother. He keeps telling me that this is not his daughter and refuses to take a DNA test to really find out. So many stories surround this situation and it is driving me crazy. 11 years went by and again this woman found me on facebook so we started talking. We agreed together to take a sibling DNA test to find out if we are sisters. The test came back and I have to tell you the results made my heart drop. 99.4% that this woman is my biological sister. I had so many emotions going threw me it was not funny.
After hearing this my father is very upset with me that I did this. I mean why lie to us all these years and then when I want to know the truth you get upset with me. I am confuse. I hope someone can shed some light on this. Please give me your thoughts I would love to hear them. Thank you all and have a wonderful day. :)
6 people like this
17 responses
@kaylachan (69676)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
5 Sep 10
In this case I don't think your father was lying to you. Moreover I think your father was trying to come to grips of the reality of what he had done. He may have kept it from you because he refused to face facts. The possibility was so remote, that he would rather deny his actions rather then face up to them.
Telling you there was a remote possibility that you had a sibling when he himself uncertain would mean he would have to face his own personal deamons. Something he wasn't quite ready for. So I wouldn't blame him, because he has personal issues he needs to comfront before he could even brooch such a delekite subject.
@brgandhi (3)
• India
12 Sep 10
This is a fact and true as well as per ur version. In my view, it is very very hard for the parents to disclose such secrets to the children at any stage. At the age of 34 u must be well matured. Don't take anything so seriously. Just think, there must be some compulsion of ur father in not disclosing it. Now u have come to know about it and the past cannot be changed. So enjoy the new relationship and be happy that u r having a new family member. If u want to live in peace u should learn to take any such thing into ur stride. Otherwise, u will be inviting troubles for u as well as others around u. Now keeping in view the situation, u can suggest ur father if he had disclosed it earlier it would have been better. I think ur father will realize his mistake and feel sorry. Is not this the right way?
Try it. Your image will improve in the eyes of ur father.
Learn To Live Happily !
B R Gandhi(INDIA)
@Lore2009 (7378)
• United States
5 Sep 10
I had a friend who's mother remarried while her sister was still young. They told her that her father was the step father when really her biological father was somewhere else. When she reached about 14 they told her the truth. I wasn't able to hear how the sister felt about this.. but I wonder if it is better to keep it a secret until a certain age. How do you feel about it? Do you wish your father told you from the beginning or maybe earlier? I think now that you have proof, your father shouldn't be angry with you about it, that would mix more unnecessary emotions. I think I would like to know the truth by the time I'm 18 and my father to be more open about it if i did find out the facts. Best wishes.
@awcase (74)
• United States
5 Sep 10
thanks for your comment lore2009
I wish I had known that there was a possibility that I may have an older sister. All this took place before my mother and father even married. After the truth came out my own mother started to talk to me about it but my father just shuts me out. I can understand that parents keep it from children till they are a certain age. I have a niece who does not know her father and another man is raising her and my niece's mother is going to tell her when she gets older, but there is a story there as well. So many people go through so many different situations and seems that truth always comes out, so maybe it is best to tell the truth right up front.
@chiyosan (30184)
• Philippines
10 Sep 10
we all would of course wish our parents would be honest to us - especially on matters like this one where we have a sister? of course this kind of secret should not be kept at all right - somehow we have got to know.
Whatever their reasons are - it must be really huge!
@babyangie27 (5176)
• United States
27 Sep 10
I know this discussion is about a month old but I can relate to how you feel.
I was adopted by my great grandparents,and although I know my real Mom I know next to nothing about my birth father. A few years ago my half sister found me on Myspace. She had been told nothing about me,but because my older full blooded sister had went to met our father and his family back in 1995 she had found her therefore found me.
My father didn't even know my name and really didn't feel the need to tell them anything about me.
My adoptive parents(great grandparents) told me when I was 8 that I was adopted,because I had told my 2nd grade class about how my sister and I don't live together and the teacher asked why. They never hid anything from me and in some ways I am glad they didn't. However finding out the whole story of how I came to be with them triggered a lot of abandonment issues,as well and it helped bring forth my bi polar at an earlier age then I think it would have normally.
How are things going now? Do you know more about the whole story? And do you have a relationship with the sibling?
Things like this are not easy,even more so when you are blind sighted with it. But I think you being a strong willed woman you can get threw it.
@fannitia (2167)
• Bulgaria
5 Sep 10
Hi, Awcase, parents make a lot of stupid things. Most of the time they don't to do something bad, but they have fears or make mistakes etc. I think they have to tell the truth, it's the best way to deal with things. But you better try to understand your father, maybe he will explain you his reasons. And the best event for you is the fact that you now have a sister! I was a lonely child and was dreaming to have a sister or a brother. Good luck!
@awcase (74)
• United States
5 Sep 10
Thanks for your comment fannitia.
I have tried to get my father to explain things but he is stubborn. He will not come to the light now that the truth is known. Having brothers and sisters is wonderful for the most part. Growing up was not always pleasant but hey siblings have their moments lol.
@keeponit (45)
• China
8 Sep 10
This is really a tough subject.It seems like a scene happens in TV plays,for I have scarcely heard that such things happened here(where i live in),but it did happen in real life.Again,the positive side is that you have a 'new' sister and you are going to spend the rest lives.I was a only child.How i wish i had siblings.Anyway,parents should tell truth to their children at the appropriate age.Maybe,he,your dad lacks courage to face the facts.Of course ,such things take time,so try to be patient.I think your father will come around and accept her eventually.However,blood is thicker than water.Hope you and your papa enjoy the family reunion.God bless you.
@leslie4130 (44)
• United States
5 Sep 10
Relationships are so important. I believe that this type of subject IS age appropriate, and 11 yrs ago, you were of age, and are now of age, to be told the truth. We cant control other people, we can only control ourselves. So just be patient and know that in Gods time all will be revealed. And just make the best out of the situation that you have right now. It's awesome and amazing that you have a sister! I found out that I had two half brothers not too long ago! Cherish what you learn about them, and invest in them. It is well worth it, and God will see to it that everything else is justified. I promise !
@awcase (74)
• United States
5 Sep 10
thank you for your comment leslie
I so understand what you are saying. If this had not happened I would not be able to relate. Patience is a key, I know that now. I just hope my father comes around before it is to late. Time is short and to harbor sore feeling is so not worth it.
@bigpinkmomma (449)
• Canada
6 Sep 10
There is not good reason ever to lie. If the daughter was never part of your life I guess maybe your father though he would leave well enough alone. Not that you have proof he should be supportive and accept her. Hope this all works out .
@dbeast (1495)
• India
5 Sep 10
Wow it is actually nice to have found a long lost sister but not this way.We shouldnt be completely judgemental here.There might have been umpteen reasons that this fact could have been hidden away.Who know's it might really be good that it was hidden all this time.It is good to see that you guys are building up a relationship here.As long as the past is forgotten and you plan to start afresh things should go on right and happily.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Sep 10
Possibly he is embarrassed, or he has really bad feelings about his former relationship with her mother. But still, I think he should have told you.
@JudgeIronFist (2472)
• Singapore
5 Sep 10
Lies or truths hidden will be exposed someday. Just like what our parents teach us about no to lie, they should also be practicing what they preach, isn't it? Sometimes, I don't know why they want to keep things from us.
@shia88 (4571)
• Malaysia
7 Sep 10
Hi,
Sad to read about your story.
I believe your father does not want to make you feel sad over this
news.That is why he prefer to keep it to himself.
Since you have known the truth,let's have a good chat with your father and
that woman.
Does the woman wanted to patch back to your father?
What is her purpose for looking for you at facebook after been losing for
more than 10 years?
Don't get yourself stress up,stay calm in handling this situation.
It is up to your choice to accept that woman as your sister or not. You have
the right to make a decision.
@sender621 (14894)
• United States
5 Sep 10
It can be a difficult decision for a parent to decide what to tell a child. i believe that parents should tell their children the truth . Nothing ever good comes from holding back or keeping a secret. Those moments have a way of turning on us when it didin't have to be so. @yoganandht (125)
• India
5 Sep 10
It sure is a very strange situation for you. You should be taking it well. Parents do have to tell the offsprings about such possibilities to avoid shocks. At least do not be judgmental on your father now to avoid unpleasantness
@kquiming (2997)
• Philippines
5 Sep 10
i feel sorry for your newly-found sister :( i mean put yourself in her situation, how would you feel if you own father disowned you?? anyway... yes i think parents should tell their children everything about the truth, at the appropriate age of course... but since you're already 34, you are WAY past the appropriate age for knowing about these things..... I think I can understand that you are confused right now and are dealing with mixed emotions....I wish you good luck in this "new life" now that you have a "new sister".....
@Graceekwenx (3160)
• Philippines
5 Sep 10
In my humble opinion, i believe that everyone deserves the truth. Your father has reasons for concealing the truth about his other daughter borne from wedlock. It could be that he might have been ashamed to tell you that he had made a mistake before and second, your family is doing good now and that he doesnt want anything to ruin a happy family. My heart goes out to your other sister, just imagine... being denied by her biological father... aww... that awfully hurts... If i were you, i would console your other sister. By the way, what is the condition of your other sister? Does she have a family too? You are mature and strong enough to approach your dad and ask him, "dad.. why do you need to conceal all this?" Reassure your dad that you are all in this together.
@jennyze (7028)
• Indonesia
5 Sep 10
Well, it is apparent that your father is not telling the truth. But maybe you can ask his reason. Maybe he wants to shield you from an unpleasant story behind his past relationship. Or maybe he does not want to remember his past relationship. Maybe he does not want the additional burden and responsibility. There are so many reasons. But I agree with you, he should not hide it, whatever his reason is.
