The Pretentious Patron's Guide to Dining, without embarrassing those you're with

Tweet

I have worked in food and beverage off and on for almost nine years. Nine long, but mostly pleasant, years. I remember when I first started out: I was all smiles and genuine, "How are you doing today?"s. But then, some rude person came into my section, and huffed and puffed blew my optimism in. That was seven years ago. Somewhere in between the time I began and the time I ended my food and beverage career, I developed a be-your-best-self attitude. I decided that I would always be my best self, no matter what. Meaning I would not go into the kitchen while grumbling about the guy who wants to know if he can substitute risotto cooked in a lemon reduction instead of plain white rice -- for free. Oh, and that lush who indignantly insists that there couldn't possibly be alcohol in her drink? Not a big deal at all, I'll just go back in line to get her a new drink, courtesy of my own pockets. And what about the parents who gave me a subtle lawsuit threat to deliver to the restaurant owners shortly after their twelve-year old daughter tipped back in her chair and fell? I just go on and brush them haters off. Why? Because I am being my best self, despite these people's wishes to come into a restaurant and forget everything they ever knew about interacting socially. If you are afraid that you might be one of these people, have no fear. I have created the following tips just for you. Things your mother should have taught you, but thought you would have gathered: 1. Do not walk past the host/hostess after being greeted; you will be seated next to the restroom. These people work very hard to keep a smile plastered to their beautiful faces and they get paid very little to do so. So, don't piss them off. 2. When your server walks up to the table and introduces herself, do not take this time to cut her off and tell her what you would like to drink. "Pelligrino," is not the correct response to the middle of your server's sentence. 3. Do not wave your hands in the air and holler, "Miss! Miss!" I will pretend I think you are watching a basketball game and your friends will hate you. On the same note, when you snap your fingers at us, we really want it to be the last thing you do. 4. Thou shalt not steal! Is that your pen? No? Didn't think so. 5. Welcome to America, we tip here. In some states servers make $2.13-$4.50 per hour, please do not stiff us, this includes taking both of your credit card slips. While we appreciate a verbal tip, monetary tips pay the bills. In the same token, I don't believe that every server deserves a good tip. However, it is important to remember that servers make up a part of a team in a restaurant, and we're not responsible for everything that goes awry. Looking over this list, it may seem like I have hated working in restaurants, but, in fact, I have rather enjoyed it. I have actually worked in both the back of the house and the front of the house. I have washed dishes; worked the fryer and made sandwiches, milkshakes and espresso. I have been a hostess, a server and a bartender. For every pretentious patron that wants a martini "house, very dirty and extremely dry with light vermouth, up and bruised with no eye contact on the side", there are three or four wonderful, interesting people I never would have met had they not sat in my section. It is worth the wade through the others. But, if you are ever in my section and hear me call out to the chef, "P.P. at table 64!", please refer back to the tips listed in this post. Disclaimer: This post is intended for humorous purposes only.