Please Help Me Understand My Husband's Sentiments....

Hello Michael.. Whenever we end up having this kind of topic between us, I always try to hold on to my patience. I'm not sure maybe whatever is bothering him has something to do with his age??? He did tell me that sometimes he feels this loneliness that he just can't shake off. He also said that maybe he's starting to enter the mid-life crisis. Now that he's in his late thirties.

I do hope that my patience can hold on much longer. But I believe that for every problem, there's a solution. We just need to look diligently for it. And after I posted this topic days ago, my relationship with my husband is on good terms again.

Yeah! me too, hello to you jcj, Your 'patience' is a special 'killer tool' to shun his inferiority complex in term of loneliness (not boredom). Maybe he needs to join one local community association or NGO body to make him somebody or a status for him to proud of it.

Thanks for the goodluck Because we were not on speaking terms last night until this morning, I've decided to make the first move and end the silence. I sent him a text message asking him for us to end the quarrel between us. He didn't answer for a few hours. So, I know he's still sulking. I do try my best to do the things I used to do for him when we still haven't got kids. But I'm no superwoman. As for sending him text messages, I do that. When he's at work especially when he's assigned at the ER, I always remind him to keep a cool head. Because of the endless stream of patients, sometimes tempers get high.

Hello again Thanks for the advice and yes, I am holding on to that respect. And trying to extend my patience and understanding in the most possible way. After reading most of the replies, I did some thinking. And try to see things more clearly. See the bigger picture. I'm in the process of doing something that I hope will help our relationship work better. And I hope that in turn, this will help him be a better father and husband.

Men will always be boys and being such they will always get that kind of childish attitude... Sigh...What I can say, dear, is just hold on there. And, please, no matter what you think of what he is doing, no matter how pissed you are, please, please, please, do not lose that respect for him for your children's sake. Believe me, it is easier to deal with the dilemma of his being childish than to deal with the dilemma of bringing up children without your husband to help you out. I know because I have been there and stil weighing until now the would be consequence. But no matter where I look at it, it is always my children who are at the losing end...

The unplanned ones are fun a new personality to find out abuot huh? NP if you need to do an outlet about aunt just go ahead. Oh I know about family liveing with you. WE had my son in laws brother here for 3 years then Son in laws mother moved in for about a year. Set on her backside and never prtended to help around the house. Never helped pay on a bill either lived here rent free! Have no idea what she did with her money. The brother I would have to almost lay his hands on what I asked him todo. BUt mostly I would get him to do it. And why would your Aunt act like this when the very idea of her living with you was to help with the baby? I f seh keeps it up you might just have to ask her to move be less stress on you it seems. She sounds unhappy and you might need to set down with her to talk it out clear the air. But if ya need to spout of go ahead I will listen!

Hi Lakota About your first question, Baby #3 was unplanned . We were both surprised too, when I found out I was pregnant again after our 2nd child, just turned a year old. The truth is, I'm having some difficulty dealing with my aunt these days. It seems she's becoming extra sensitive with just about anything I say or do. I mean, I'm 5 months pregnant. I may have some difficulty doing some things but it doesn't mean I can't do it. Or if I do it, I may have a miscarriage. To make it short, she doesn't want me to do the things I used to do around the house before she arrived. My mom was the one who suggested that I consider having my aunt live with us. Considering that I just gave birth to my 2nd daughter. My mom thought at that time, it was an excellent idea. To have my aunt help me take care of my newborn. It has been a year since that but the way things are happening now, my aunt sees herself and my cousin (her daughter) who also lives with us but goes to college, as MAIDS. And she resents that. But I nor my husband have never ever treated her or my cousin that way. They are both family and I've proven it to them time and time again. But when I try to carry my 1 yr old daughter in my arms, my aunt immediately scolds me. Then she proceeds in saying that if I miscarry, then my mom or my dad will blame her and her daughter for not doing their JOBS!!! I'm sorry if what I'm telling you doesn't concern my husband anymore. Because aside from that problem with my husband, I'm also dealing with this one with my aunt's attitude. My aunt has a very strong personality. She's quick to anger and when she gets mad and curses her daughter, my kids can hear her words. There were a couple of times that I almost lost it and wanted to tell her to just leave. She's another source of stress that I don't need. But because she's family, it's a little complicated. Unless, she's the one who tells us that she doesn't want to stay anymore. Whenever I do some chores inside the house, it seems I need to do it without her knowledge. Because if she learns about it, she never fails to tell me that it's their job. Yes, they do receive a monthly salary but this money helps my cousin go to college. But because of that salary, my aunt sees herself and my cousin nothing more as our maids. And most of the time, she puts meaning in every word that I say. That puts me in a bad light. I have no problem with my cousin because she herself has some difficulty with her mom's attitude. But because she's my aunt, I still try to give her the respect that I think she deserves, being my aunt. I'm truly sorry Lakota for this looooong story. I guess I just needed some outlet today. Because my aunt misunderstood again what I said. And it was just all about my husband's old shoes. But she started bristling again. About my husband, after reading most of those who replied, I did some thinking. And I realized that maybe I'm at fault, too. Some of the replies gave way to a bigger picture of the situation I failed to see in the first place. Well, my husband and I are on good terms again. Hopefully things will get better for both of us and our kids. I know he can be a great dad. He just needs to show it effectively to his kids.

Glad to hear that things are going better with you. Maybe if you keep on doing what you are doing then he will too. Relationships really are a lot of work, aren't they? I hope it all works out for you for the sake of your marriage and for the kids. Best of luck to you, Jcj.

Hi sid Things are a lot better now between him and me. And I was surprised the other night, when he didn't proceed to our room the way he used to. But instead, spent some time with the kids. His daughter refused to leave his arms when my aunt tried to take her from her dad. I did some thinking when I read most of the replies. And realized that I'm partly to be blamed for his actions. I became a wife who takes care of her husband acting on automated mode. I realized that taking care of him will be much more appreciated if I do it with sincerity. Before that night when he spent time with the kids, I was the one who made the first step and put an end to our silent war. I guess, he appreciated that. So maybe that's why he gave his time to his children. It's still touch and go for now. One wrong move and we may all end up in the same cycle again. But I'm optimistic.

After posting this topic, things between us got better. Hopefully, this will lasts for a very long time.

Everything is fine between my husband and I, Jin. Thank you He's actually become very sweet and a little romantic.Hmmm... makes me wonder if he's up to something or some one else invaded his body!

@jcj_111776 Hahahah! You are thinking that there is another woman who holds your husband's body? That is funny, my dear. I think you should be confident and trust your husband that he is not doing monkey business around.

Unfortunately, he grew up not being close to his dad. And that my father-in-law passed away years ago. I don't think he ever approached his father to voice out any problems he may have. What worries me though is the memory that I have of my sister-in-law. The day that she learned that I was going to marry her brother, she honestly told me "goodluck". They also grew up not close to each other. Unlike the relationship that I have with my 3 other siblings. Even with families of our own, the bond between me and my brother and two sisters is compared to the super-extra strength glue. And there was also this talk I had with my mother-in-law years ago. We were talking about my husband and how he grew up, almost hating his father. Him not being close to his only sibling. And his mom away from them because she was working abroad. Then she cried, right in front of me. She was crying because she blames herself for the way my husband grew up. Coming from her, my husband seemed to grew up devoid of attention and love from his family. And that maybe she thinks that's why my husband does the things that he does now. I know deep in my heart that my husband loves me and our children. It's just that sometimes I feel as if he's trying to keep a wall around him. The emotion is just right there inside him, but he's just afraid to show it???And that's why he wants that 100% attention from me so he can be sure that he is loved? I truly don't know.

Thanks for the advice I do try to keep a happy mood because added stress will make things more uncomfortable for me and the baby. As for our kids, I let them (especially our son, the eldest)to approach their dad for their goodnight kiss. Because my husband doesn't do that. When he gets home, it's straight to the bedroom and to his laptop. Sometimes, I can't help but compare him to my brother and brother-in-law(his sister's husband). They are also busy with their work but when they get home, they still have time for their kids even if they are tired.

Hi Jen.. It's ok and I appreciate your honesty.Last night, after I've answered the first respondents, I did some thinking as I lie awake beside him. I asked myself over and over that there must be a reason, serious enough to make him act that way. One angle I'm seeing is that, on my part, I'm starting to rebel against him. Emotionally I mean. I know that I'm doing what I'm supposed to do for him, but it's becoming just like an automated thing for me. And I'm thinking maybe the fact that it seems he can't appreciate the things I'm doing for him, is that I do it without any more affection. I'm starting to see a bad cycle here. One that I must find a way to break it. Because he doesn't spend time with our kids the way I think he should be doing it, my emotions retaliate. Last night, I thought maybe I am taking care of him, but the way he sees it, it's totally devoid of emotion. As if I'm being forced to do it just so no one can say that I'm neglecting him. And because of my "actions", he then retaliates, too. He does it by withdrawing more emotionally. The truth is Jen, before I posted this topic, I was a bit hesitant. Because it's a personal and sensitive problem.But from the replies I'm getting, it helped me see a bigger part of the picture. Now, I'm trying to see if I'm at fault, too. Because I remember when he told me once he missed the old me. I guess, he meant the sweet side of me. Thank you for the advice and I also hope that after last night, everything will be ok. He suddenly woke up and found me staring at the ceiling and thinking. He just stared at me, waiting. So, I made the first step in breaking the bad cycle. I went to his arms and he embraced me tightly. Today before he went to work, he gave me a kiss. He seems happy. We've been together for so long, you know. Almost 5 years of being a couple before we got married and almost 9 years of marriage. It has been rough at times but we survived. I know the story behind him and his dad. And I know how hurt he gets when his mom tells him that if he's not careful, he'll end up being his father. And deep inside, I know that he needs me to help him not become his dad. That's why I'm trying all I can to give him the understanding and patience that I can give. Sorry, if this went long. This site does help even with personal problems. And I'm glad I've decided to go forth and post this topic and receive the answers to that I need. It helped me see things more clearly.

I already asked him to make an effort to spend a reasonable time with our kids when he comes home. But the most that he does is to greet them with a smile and that's that. He goes straight to our bedroom. Once, he told me that he doesn't want to expose our kids to the germs that he is exposed everyday from working at the hospital. But he already takes a bath in their quarters before he goes home. When I try to gently start to talk to him, he clams up. For him, he's doing nothing wrong.

You got a point on the part of letting it go. Because sometimes, holding on to some things will bring more heartache and never-ending stress.

He's in his late thirties. We can't afford to have a date every week for his work demands a lot of his time. By the time he gets home, he just wants to rest. That's why he goes straight to the bedroom.

Hi . Since posting this topic and after having read most of the replies, I did some thinking. And proceeded into doing something that I hoped will help make my relationship with my husband, a whole lot better. About him being involved with the kids, I do try to think of ways for that to happen. The other night, he didn't proceed to our room the way he used to. He spent some time with the kids and even played with our youngest. I think this action has something to do with the way I first approached him. I mean, I made the first step in ending our "silent war".