Last wishes.
By MsTickle
@MsTickle (25180)
Australia
September 19, 2010 4:06am CST
Many of my friends know that my Dad is 97, lives alone and is quite healthy. He is sometimes forgetful and has had a couple of episodes where he has behaved a little irrationally but he is by no means beset with dementia. My sister who has taken charge of Dad's affairs is holidaying overseas for 2 months and due home in about 2 weeks. Meanwhile, the other day, my brother has become involved and taken leave from work to come and stay with Dad. My brother and sister live about 6 hours away in the city, I am closer but I have critters that need to be looked after so I can only do short visits, I visit Dad regularly.
My brother considers Dad to be in a state of advanced dementia. I tell him he is not and he looks at me as if I'm being irresponsible but he did admit Dad was not as bad as he thought.
My brother does not want Dad to die on his own or from an accident he brings on himself. He is determined that Dad move in with him and his family in the city. He considers that I am not fit to look after Dad. My sister is also wanting Dad to live with her.
Dad has been on his own since Mum died in 2002. He lives on his farm in the country only 15 klms from the big town nearby which is now a city. He has been there for 34 years. Twice a week, ladies from Homecare come in to clean his house. A carer comes on Fridays to bathe him, wash his hair and wash his back. Dad washes and shaves himself daily. There is also a guy who comes and keeps the garden tidy (10 acres) and another guy who uses the shearing shed who calls in almost daily, He takes Dad to appointments, checks his cupboards and fridge and takes him shopping each week. I go to see him every three months or when he needs me.
Dad absolutely wants to die where he lives. He does not want to go to the city. He is adamant about these things. My sister and brother think he is wrong. They don't want him to die there.
Dad has given my sister power over everything so the decision will ultimately be hers (I don't think Dad thought she would do the dirty on him). I want Dad to die where he wants. I know he doesn't want to go away from where he lives. I live in the bush too and I don't want to have to return to the city. (The other thing that is upsetting me is that if they take Dad away, I will never see him again. My wishes or opinions don't count though).
Should Dad be allowed to stay on his own while ever he is still able to look after himself and has most of his faculties? This is what he wants. He said if he is out of his mind it won't matter but while he is mostly okay I think he should be left as he is with maybe some extra care calling in to see him, daily if necessary.
If they take him away, he will hate it. He will have to negotiate stairs at my brother's house. They will shunt him back and forth so he is not ever on his own. Basically, they will hasten his demise.
If anyone can give me some advice, tell me how to handle this, any help you can give me. I'm very distressed both within myself and on behalf of my father.
11 people like this
27 responses
@purplealabaster (22091)
• United States
19 Sep 10
I have to very strongly agree with you and what most of the other responders have said as well. Your dad should be able to live (and die) wherever he wants. He is 97 years old, and he has earned the right to decide for himself, especially since he knows what he is saying and doing most of the time. If you make him do something that he really does not want to do, then it will only make the rest of his life miserable and it will probably cause him to die sooner than he would otherwise.
It sounds like he is well cared for and happy, and that really is the most important thing, in my opinion. He is home where he feels comfortable and safe. If you change his environment, especially when he does not want the change, then it will most likely lead to a bunch of problems, especially if there is some sort of confusion problems. Your sister and brother are worried about him falling and hurting himself or having an accident or something. If he is in an unfamiliar environment, then the chances of these things happening are extremely more likely than if he is in a place that he has known for years. It is instinct when you live in a place for long enough you know when to step over an uneven floorboard or to maneuver around a coffee table or whatever. When you are trying to adjust to a new environment, especially one that has stairs, you are much more likely to have an accident or take a wrong step and hurt yourself. If they really are worried about your father, then they should take these things into consideration before making a drastic decision that could be detrimental to his health and safety, but that is just my opinion.
I do hope that whatever happens, it is the best thing for your father, and that you will be happy with the decision.
3 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
19 Sep 10
I want for Dad to be safe and comfortable too but if he goes to live with them they won't be able to watch him 24/7. If he wanders off here chances are he will find his way home as he has done in the past but if he goes off while in the city the outcome will be very different.
It's as you say. Everything is familiar to him where he is. Upset that equilibrium he has and he will slip away mentally I feel.
The other thing he has stated is that he doesn't want to be a burden to anyone and of course everyone will jump up and down and argue with him on that one. To me it is another way of him saying "I want to stay here."
1 person likes this
@purplealabaster (22091)
• United States
20 Sep 10
You have made another very good point about your dad wandering off, especially in the city. He is not familiar with the area, and there are so many things that can happen to him in the city, especially if he gets lost and wanders down the wrong street or into the wrong sort of neighborhood. Also, in my experience, "I don't want to be a burden" translates into a nice way of saying "Leave me alone, because I want to do things my way".
@RangaGirl (103)
• Australia
21 Sep 10
Hi MsTickle. I completely agree with you that your Dad should be allowed to live and die where he wishes. It is HIS life and he should be allowed to live it out happily in the place he loves. I am a nurse in a high care nursing home. Most of our residents have dementia to one degree or another but a few would be able to live in their homes if they had as much help as your Dad does. If your Dad LIKES living on his own, in his rural spot, he would give up and die if he is put in a city, always surrounded by people. I assume he'd also have to give up any pets he has and that alone would be heartbreaking. Leave the man in peace, I say.
2 people like this
@RangaGirl (103)
• Australia
21 Sep 10
Thank you, MsTickle. This is my second time on myLot. The first time around, I was Piscesmoon. It is wonderful that your Dad is well enough, at his fantastic age, to still potter in the garden. Even if he has slight dementia, who's he hurting? He is happy, which is the main thing.
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
19 Sep 10
I dont know what to tel you about handling this guess I would talk to the care givers maybe they can interven and help him stay where he is his wishes should be kept .
Now if the dementia goes int to alsheimers then that is a differnt story he would just set there in a dazy and not know any one then he needs more care.
and really I think if I was you I would get rid of teh critters and move in with him. and why wasnt you picked as power of attorny?
this is asad thing to happen
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
19 Sep 10
Yeah, he's aware that can happen and he says if it comes to that they can do as they like but until then he wants to stay as he is. I was living with him before I came here and my sister and brother made me leave. I'd be happy to have Dad here but they don't think I'm capable. I'm the third child and the black sheep of the family. Because of a teenage pregnancy. I've never been allowed to get past that episode of my life.
The critters are my beloved pets and part of who I am. That's like saying to get rid of a husband or get rid of the children.
I'm going to talk to my boss where I volunteer as a community driver. I'm hoping she can point me in the direction to find out what's available by way of assistance so the elderly can stay in their homes.
@marguicha (222999)
• Chile
19 Sep 10
I think your family as as*holes if they think you are the black sheep of the family after all these years. You might be a black sheep (aren´t they beautiful?) but they are dumb. Sorry for my words, but I saw red when I read what you just said.
1 person likes this
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
19 Sep 10
I agree with you that as long as your Dad is getting daily help and care he should be allowed to live where he chooses. I gave my daughter power of attorney when I was in the hospital and that was the biggest mistake I ever made in my 71 years. She robbed my blind and tried to have me permanently kept in the rehab nursing home I was in but I had all my marbles and convinced the NH staff that I could go home. Thant was 5 years ago and I know that I would under no circumstances live with a family member and hive them power over all my affairs.
2 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
19 Sep 10
This is the nasty side of things. My sister is also helping herself to Dad's money in so far as she charges him for their fuel and the food they bring when she comes to visit. The last time there was a cheque written for nearly $300 for fuel, food and paint. The paint was for the surrounds where new French doors were put in. In other words, the amount spent would have been no where near that much. My brother in law goes through all Dad's private papers whenever he comes up but he does it when Dad is out of the house. I know my sister has tried to turn Dad against me in the past...she does it very carefully, just as she tries to turn Dad against our other sister because she is an atheist. Dad pretty much hates my other sister and so does my brother but so far, she is still in the will. This is such an ugly time in my life.
@Grandmaof2 (7579)
• Canada
19 Sep 10
It's really unfortunate these things happen in life but you're not alone I know this happens a lot. This is strictly just my opinion and doesn't say I'm right by any meant but it is what I feel.
First of all I think you all need to sit and discuss this matter with your dad sitting there, so he has full understanding how you all feel and no doubt as you get older it never hurts to know you're being loved by everyone.
Secondly if I was one of his kids and I was there I would strongly suggest that until dad does something that may indicate there is a need to move him I think we need to respect his feelings. Make it clear that your intentions are to insure his safety.
I would also remind the others that dad has support workers and stay strong in what you believe.
Good luck and this post has given me a warm feeling to assure me there are still caring families. Something I am lacking. Good Luck dear friend.
2 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
20 Sep 10
I am so sorry that your family don't care...maybe it's a blessing though in the long term because this situation will become exacerbated and Dad will end up becoming distressed.
You are right about us sitting down with him and having a discussion about things with everything in the open. Dad might be elderly but he still has a functioning brain and until such time as he is incapable of expressing his wishes and managing just how he is I think he should stay where he is. Unfortunately there have been a few incidents that could have turned out badly which is why these decisions to move him away are being made. I think they are a bit previous and there might still be means to keep him in his home and I will sort those out this week then I will be armed when I go and talk to Dad.
I've just now rung and made an appointment to speak to a lady who will be available near here on Thursday. She tells me that all the facilities available to the elderly are in the town where Dad lives so I'm thinking things will work out ok for Dad. I'm feeling positive. So, your good luck wishes are working already my friend.
@Grandmaof2 (7579)
• Canada
20 Sep 10
Well Thank God for that and let us know how you are. Remember to take care of you as well. You have a lot of supporters here we all love you very much.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
19 Sep 10
Hi there MsTickle,
I think your dad's wishes do have to be considered. If he has home health coming in once a week to bathe him and other people dropping by every day to check on him and help him out then I don't really see the problem. Home health care people would be able to detect if there comes a time when he would need someone to be with him 24/7 and then they would call the family to decide what to do at that point. Sure something could happen to him...an accident or something but really, that could happen anywhere. At age 97, it sounds as if he has done amazingly well and still going. I hope your sister makes the right choice.
2 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
19 Sep 10
Put it this way. My sister is incredibly controlling and my brother is an egotist. They make a formidable couple whom you don't want to spend too much time with. Both become overpowering in a short space of time. For that reason alone I can understand Dad not wanting to live with either of them.
He moved away from the city to his little farm over 30 years ago because this is the lifestyle he prefers. I share his love of the bush and totally understand where he is coming from. My siblings just don't get it.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
19 Sep 10
Like most old people they prefer to stay put in their own turf. I have the feeling that he is more comfortable staying in his own house with all the familiar surroundings that brings back fond memories of the past which might help him enjoy the balance of years left for him.Relocating him to suit the convenience of your siblings might only leave him uncomfortable in an alien surroundings. His home always remain a sentimental place for him. Since his welfare is well taken care of by the social aids, I don't see any reasons why he have to be relocated. The children should respect the wishes of the old man and as you said moving him might hasten his demise, which I do believe can happen. As part of the family, I think you can reason out with your siblings the pros and cons of moving him out of his present dwelling which he call home for the past 34 years. A new place doesn't guarantee situation changes and having lived alone for many years will definitely find him uncomfortable living with the presence of noisy children and having to put up with fast pace of life running in the family does not do justice to his ailing body.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
19 Sep 10
You have exactly described my argument Zandi...thank you. This is basically what I have said but my siblings disagree. They think my father is wrong wanting to stay and they think he will be better off with them. They will not listen when I tell them he does not want to go. I spoke to him the other day and told him my brother means for him to go to Sydney and he did not grasp what I was saying. There is absolutely no argument as far as Dad is concerned...he is staying in his home. It is breaking my heart.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
19 Sep 10
You are in a difficult situation to put sense in his head as he thinks what he is doing is right without respecting the wishes of the old man. Like my mom, though she is 74 and sickly, she is very firm and refuses to move in with any of her 10 children. Instead she employed two maids to help her do the cooking and doing the household chores without troubling any of her children. We do drop in every now and then to visit her. No matter what happen she is adamant to remain glued to her house as she consider her house is her paradise and we respect her wishes.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
19 Sep 10
And I am the same. I love where I am here and I want to stay yet my daughter wants me to be closer to her.
It's like I said to Dad...the family don't seem to understand that we love living in the bush away from the city. We understand and respect that they prefer the city so why can they not respect where we want to live?
Good for your mother Zandi.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
19 Sep 10
its to bad you dont have money for a lawyer. one of my employers when i did home care, had a lawyer come to his house cause his so was going to do that. he signed some papers to change his sons say so over his affairs to his daughter that wanted him to stay in his own house. they even used me as a witness because i was working that day. it was all done before his son knew it. because his son was trying to have him moved to a place to have 24/7 observation. yes, i think your dad should be allowed to stay home. 
as my son has said many times, its not the quantity of life, but the quality. 
if theres a way you could get a lawyer there to change to you being the decition maker would be great. @MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
20 Sep 10
LOL, I knew what you meant my friend. If it comes to that, Dad is quite capable of going to see his solicitor but there is no way he will change things from my sister to me. I'm the no account daughter. Nothing will change that no matter that I care more about Dad and less about myself. Dad thinks the sun shines out of my sister's backside. She sucks up to him at every chance and he has fallen for it. She gets her large family to suck up as well and knows just how to feed Dad's ego. If she sees me getting any sort of edge, she copies me. If I add photos of my family to the mantel shelf she moves them so only hers are there. She cooks a lot of meals for dad and freezes them and he doesn't like them. When I visit him I cook him all his old favourites. They turned up one day to coincide with my visit and I had made a huge pan of lambs fry with bacon, onion and gravy. It was so good. Next thing I know she has had a go at making it as well. She's a good cook with much more experience but with the few dishes I cook, I'm better. I make my food really rich and Dad loves it because he can taste it...his taste buds have been failing for years so I make things so he can taste them....lol. I don't tell her that. She's smarter than I am but she hasn't figured it out yet.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
19 Sep 10
my spelling is worse then ever today
decision?1 person likes this
@kellyjeanne (1576)
• United States
19 Sep 10
What a situation. I can understand your brother's and sister's concern, but, at the same time they should respect his wishes to live on his own. As a person gets older remaining independent becomes more of an issue. To remain independent is extremely important for anyone whether young or old, but, as you get older you become more vulnerable to the idiots in society (if you know what I mean)y
I remember years ago while on a city bus an elderly woman was getting on the bus and because she was up in years she was taking a long time to get up the stairs and to her seat, but, the driver was being very patient with her. In the meantime, I overheard an idiot teenage boy say, "Why doesn't she just stay home?" I looked at him and said, "You remember that when you get older and have problems getting around!" Oh, I was so angry at that kid!
I would imagine that your dad does have the power to take that right away from his other daughter. Have him work on that immediately. Right now I see that as vitally important.
Personally, I don't see the problem with your dad staying where he is. He seems to be getting excellent care from the community and you.
This is my situation. I'm 52 and live on Disability. I'm not physically disabled, but, mentally disabled. Among many other problems that I have I also suffer from debilitating depression and literally have problems doing anything because my energy level is so low and the desire to do many things is very low, too. As a result the state (Thank The Lord!) pays to have a caregiver come three times a week to help me with housecleaning, doing laundry, cooking some of my meals and taking me shopping, to dr's appointments and my cat's vet appointments as well. She is an angel and without her life would be very difficult for me. I can truly understand your dad's need for independence.
By the way, my cat is technically considered a companion animal by the state. Of course, with me she is everything!
Getting back to your dad, though, I would suggest having him take away the power from your sister. That would be a great help legally for him.
Please keep us posted on your dad's situation.
Purrs,
Catwoman=^..^= & Mija (my furbaby)
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
19 Sep 10
I had no idea of your situation Catwoman :). You seem to have it all together always...well done you. And thank you for also understanding where Dad is coming from. Unfortunately my sister has manipulated Dad in a deliberate attempt to get that control from him...her husband specially prompted her to get financial control. When they visit, the husband sends my sister into town with Dad and while they are away he goes through all Dad's financial papers, bills, bank statements, etc. The reason I know this is because Dad caught him at it one day and told me. The guy that looks after dad has also caught him at it. When my sister visits dad they present him with a bill for their fuel and any groceries they purchase on the way, if they take Dad on any outings while they are there they make him pay. They always eat at really flash places. My Dad is an extremely proud man and he believes in and trusts my sister...even if he realised how she is controlling him and the situation he will never call her on it. While I was living with Dad she tried to set Dad and I against each other and she lied in her efforts. It's so not like her to do this but the fact is she did. Dad is still strong mentally in many ways, he just becomes forgetful and confused sometimes and he really depends on my sister now. I don't think he would deal with my sister even if he could. Her controlling ways have made Dad very dependant on her...then she goes overseas on holidays for 2 months and poor Dad lost the plot a little because she was not in touch as usual.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
24 Oct 10
Dad's doctor has come to the rescue. He has organised for the Aged Care Assessment Team to call on Dad and take up his case, as a result my siblings have backed right off. Turns out they are doing a big overseas trip together next year and in my opinion they wanted Dad taken care of (one way or the other) before they left. It's my belief they wanted to put him in a home closer to where they live. My other sister is also backing me up and together we are presenting a stronger front for Dad so I think things will be ok. Poor Dad, I wonder how he's feeling about all this. Of course he would never say a word against his favourites...his first born daughter and his only son.
@kellyjeanne (1576)
• United States
22 Sep 10
Thanks, MsTickle, for saying that I seem to have it all together. I really appreciate it.
It seems that your dad is in a very poor situation and I will be praying for you, your dad and your sister that she has a change of heart and doesn't go through with it.
How sad.
I will be praying for all of you.
Purrs,
Catwoman=^..^= & Mija
1 person likes this
@marguicha (222999)
• Chile
19 Sep 10
Dear friend,
I believe in the quality of life as the most important thing. From what you tell us, I feel that if you took your father someplace else (even if it´s one of his children´s home) it will be virtually killing him.
I don´t think it matters so much how much longer he will live. What it matters is that he lives as he wants and is happy the rest of his life.
If he can have extra care while living in his own house, it would be wonderful. But that doesn´t mean either that he´ll be surrounded by dogooders.
I hope it all works out for him. And talk with your brother and tell him to really see what your father wants.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
19 Sep 10
My brother and I did have words and for all his intelligence he obviously has some real problems left over from childhood. He was being totally obnoxious and cruel for no reason and I told him if he was going to behave so then I did not want him to come visit me again. I rarely receive visits from my family and I think they just come to see what my living conditions are so they have something to discuss and make judgement calls on me. I think that by putting my sister and I down, my other sister and brother are more able to feel superior and more worthy.
In my opinion Dad could go another few years. He is healthy other than his diabetes which he only got in the last ten years. It doesn't seem to affect him much, he forgets his pills and eating is his only pleasure these days.
If dad wanted to die with my brother and sister by his side tending to him and fussing over him he would say so but that's not what he wants. The other thing is, even if he went to live with them they would only tend to Dad at theirconvenience, not his.
@marguicha (222999)
• Chile
20 Sep 10
I am sorry for you. I feel you cannot do much for your father. It´s very much like my own situation: I only step in when my brother lets me. But knowing that your brother and one of your sister have the power, at least don´t let them rule your life.
1 person likes this
@marguicha (222999)
• Chile
19 Sep 10
I truly agree with you. And my brother sounds a lot like your brother. So much that, much as I love him, I forbid him to talk about certain subjects at my home. If he can´t be civil and accept that other people have different points of view and that they are as legit as his, then he can go to his own home.
I do have problems with him concerning my mother too. So I´m in charge only when he has to be out of town. My mother has many ailments due to her age. But her mind is more sound than mine. So if she wants to have a bit of icecream in spite of her being diabetic, I say she can have it. After all, she´s 87.
We are all going to die. At your father´s age, the most one can wish for him is to have him die happy.
1 person likes this
@RawBill1 (8531)
• Gold Coast, Australia
21 Sep 10
I am not really qualified to give advice on this as my parents are only in their fifties. My thoughts are that if your dad wants to spend his last days on the property that he calls home, then that is what he should be able to do. It sounds like there are a few visitors who check in on him regularly, so if he has a fall or something, he will not be there for days waiting to be found.
I think that if he is taken to the city where he does not want to be, then that is probably going to finish him off. The mind is a very powerful thing and if he is not happy with life, then he will decide it is time to go. If he is happy where he is, then he could see another ten years. You never know!
This is a difficult situation to be in for all the family, but what is best for your fathers happiness in his last years is the right decision. 
This is a difficult situation to be in for all the family, but what is best for your fathers happiness in his last years is the right decision. @MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
21 Sep 10
Hi Bill, it is difficult and I think they are cheesed off with Dad for moving so far away all those years ago, in spite of having a farm to visit for free during the holidays. It's not just that he will be somewhere where he is unhappy, he will be somewhere unfamiliar and that makes him confused. I have noticed when he becomes confused he can get into a pretty bad way. Bottom line is Bill I have come to the realisation that I need to prepare myself for his end. How does one do that?
@Angelgirl16 (2171)
• United States
19 Sep 10
Hi Ms Tickle,
First, how wonder it is that your dad has had such a long life, I hope it was a wonderful life. Second, I think your dad should have his last wishes fulfilled. Your sister and brother should know how your dad feels about continuing to live in his home that he has lived in for over 30 years. The memories there are powerful and maybe part of the reason he is still doing as well as he is doing. If they remove him to an unfamiliar environment he will probably not survive for much longer.
Your dad seems to have many supporters that are coming around frequently to check on him and make sure that he is living comfortably. Surely someone would find him if he fell. In other words, he would not be there for days before being discovered.
Your dad is 97 years old, but you say that he is still in good shape, hopefully this includes mentally. If this is true, shouldn't he be able to express his wishes to your sister and brother about his living arrangements? Would they listen to him or have they just written his ability to think for himself, off?
What about getting him one of those alert gadgets that he can wear and call for help if he need it. Would he be able to manage it?
Whatever the finally decision is, I hope that it is in the best interest of your dad. He deserves to be content in his final days.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
20 Sep 10
Yeah, I mentioned one of those alarm gadgets but Dad would not use it. He is not technologically savvy. I also suggested the service on offer that check on their clients every day. It's a security service that drives around checking shops and stuff after hours to make sure everything is locked up tight...they offer a similar service to check on elderly clients living alone but my sister said it would not be suitable for Dad. I checked it out and there was a reason but I forget it now.
Dad's early life was one of extreme hardship but he survived it well. He married Mum during the war and started a family during the depression. His dream was to be able to retire to a small farm in the country and that's what he worked towards and it finally happened for him. He is living his dream and they want to take him away. I really want to smack them hard and make them wake up to themselves. The only way I can do that is to find the information that will suit everyone. I'm on the way to doing that. I have an appointment to speak to a couple of ladies on Thursday.
@Angelgirl16 (2171)
• United States
20 Sep 10
Hi Ms Tickle,
It breaks my heart that you and your family are at odds with each other other where you dad should spend his final days. I hope everything gets resolved in a healthy manner.
Whatever gets decided, I hope it is in the best interest of your dad.
@allknowing (136369)
• India
20 Sep 10
He has so many to take care of him and it would be wrong to take him away from his place which he loves so dearly. He is already 97 and one should respect his wish.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (136369)
• India
21 Sep 10
At this point in time on needs to only look at how well he is taken care of and I see he is. So many are doing things for him which is a rare scenario. Oldies are left alone with no one to care for. Pulling him out of there would be like uprooting a well grown tree which will never last when it is replanted. Think again.
1 person likes this
@lacieice (2060)
• United States
20 Sep 10
I'm not quite as old as your dad, but I know I want to stay in my own house till I die. If they force him to leave his home, I believe it will hasten the end. He will be very unhappy to lose his freedom and independence, as would I.
You didn't mention it in your discussion, but I take it he is not a poor man. It sounds like your siblings are after his money. Why else would your brother check his finances repeatedly? You need to find a way to get that power of attorny away from your sister. They're not looking out for your dad...they are looking out for themselves.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
20 Sep 10
Believe it or not lacieice, it is my sister's husband who does this. Dad has several investment portfolios that pay dividends regularly and I believe he is keeping track of these as well as Dad's other finances. It's none of his business as far as I'm concerned and should not need to be done till the end. The estate is to be divided among the four of us but I believe that my brother and sister feel they are more deserving than my other sister and I. I also think they are afraid I will get some sort of advantage over Dad if I have anything to do with his care. They judge me by their standards, not mine. Even though my sister is in a position to be able to visit Dad often and stay with him for a decent visit, she is never out of pocket as she bills Dad for all their travelling costs etc. Yes, she takes care of things that need taking care of while she is there but that's her place as far as I'm concerned. For all that she does there is a lot she doesn't do.
I had you picked for someone much younger.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
21 Sep 10
I seem to be the only one of his children who understands his love of living out here in the country. It was his dream to retire to a farm and he worked hard to realise that dream. City living has nothing to offer me and I know dad doesn't care for the rat race either. The rest of the family simply do not understand. I did have a chat to Dad about this recently but I've never had any influence over Dad, not like my sister does. I will try again to get through to him but I need to get through to my siblings as well. Thank you.
@lacieice (2060)
• United States
20 Sep 10
I am somewhat younger...in my 60's, but my health is not that great, so sometimes I feel a lot older
I'm not at all surpised to learn there is consideral money involved. I assume a will is already done? I'm sorry, but they sound greedy. They actually charge him for the gas they use to come see him? That is just wrong on so many levels.
I really don't know what you can do, except let dad know that you're there for him and that you love him. You can encourage him to do what he feels is best for himself as long as he has the ability to choose. Since you can't control others actions, only your own, you just have to do what your heart tells you to do.
I'm not at all surpised to learn there is consideral money involved. I assume a will is already done? I'm sorry, but they sound greedy. They actually charge him for the gas they use to come see him? That is just wrong on so many levels.
I really don't know what you can do, except let dad know that you're there for him and that you love him. You can encourage him to do what he feels is best for himself as long as he has the ability to choose. Since you can't control others actions, only your own, you just have to do what your heart tells you to do.1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
20 Sep 10
I think you need to legal advise on this and your Dad does to
They will kill him doing that to him, he will not survive
He has kept strong and it is keeping him going that he is able to do things on his own still if they take that away from him he will give up because he will think what is the point if People are taking over and leaving him less and less responsibility
It makes me angry when this gets done, they should be happy that your Dad is still doing that well knowing his own mind, why take him away from his Home where he wants to be
Would they like it? No they would not
You are also his Daughter and yes he might have written everything over to your Sister but if he gets a note from the Doctor and that she can not do anything about it
Why can't they see what they will do to him
Fight for your and with your Dad he has rights Sweetie
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
20 Sep 10
Hi Gabs, I have an appointment with someone on Thursday who will be able to tell me just what arrangements are available to care for the elderly in their home. I'm hoping that there will be a satisfactory arrangement that will suit Dad and let me siblings rest easy that he is comfortable and safe. That is the best that I can think of at this stage.
I shouldn't have to fight though Gabs and this is the sort of thing Dad does not want, to be a burden or the cause of any disharmony. I can't help but feel that my family are motivated by greed and selfishness and they think I am as well which is simply not the case.
@34momma (13882)
• United States
20 Sep 10
I think if Dad can get along on his own they should leave him at home. I mean if he is a bit forgetful so what! his 97 for goodness sake!!!! if he is not harming himself and has people that come in to do things for him. let that man stay in his own home~
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
20 Sep 10
Dad's been taking off into town and given that he lies on a farm way out of town, this isn't a safe thing to do. He is feeling useless and this upsets him. There are people he can ring if he needs or wants anything but he is struggling to remain independent...that time has gone and he is having trouble coming to terms with it. He needs someone with him full time basically and that's where the difficulty arises.
@bagumbayan (2705)
• Philippines
21 Sep 10
well have a talk with them. Ask the help of other relatives to explain your side. Let them try their likes to your dad. They will later realize what your dad really wanted to. God Bless to you all.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
21 Sep 10
I think if your dad is mentally OK and is healthy and well taken care of, your brother and sister should respect his wishes. Do you think your sister is going to do something that he doesn't want? Maybe he can change the document to put somebody else in charge?
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
22 Sep 10
Dad has always been both proud and stubborn and that has not diminished much. Apart from their being no-one else and my sister being the favoured one and the eldest, he would not change his mind. She will do what she thinks best even if it disrespects his last wishes.
Who knows what really motivates them. As a parent my father was severely critical and a strict disciplinarian. I know I still seek his approval and I have seen my sister and brother doing the same thing. Toxic parents breed toxic children and so it goes on.
@epicure35 (2814)
• United States
20 Sep 10
It sounds like your Dad is being well cared-for, and certainly he is loved by all his children. I do understand your dilemma, however. I grew up in a multi-generational family with my mom and dad as primary supporters of my mom's parents, my grandparents. I agree with you that your Dad should live as and where he wishes if at all possible.
I have seen the early demise of a great friend of mine when his sisters, having power of attorney, put my friend in various "homes for the elderly" and overmedicated him, rather than let him live at home with them. They had a room for him, but wouldn't let him stay there. He was only 69. His spirit was so broken.
Is there any way you could move in with Dad? Could you and your siblings rotate staying with him for certain time spans? I know there must be a way for your family to show your love for your Dad and keep family unity during this time if you can work out a compromise to show your love and care for him and each other.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
20 Sep 10
My brother has undertaken to stay with dad for a while even though he has a very important government job. He can do a certain amount of work online but not everything he needs to do. He also has family at home still, a working wife and 3 children of working age. I won't go into details about the rest of the family but it is just not practical for any of us to go and live with him. I was living with him for a while but he made my life very difficult and my brother and sister were also not happy with my being there. I don't think they trust anyone to be with dad for any length of time. I'm still hopeful of being able to come up with an answer that will solve the problem as I have set up an appointment to talk to someone and get information on what is available.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
19 Sep 10
i think it is best that your dad is taken cared of properly instead of just letting him stay on his own. coz at his age, we don't know what might happen to him, he may slip or anything.
