Could You Please Give Me Feed Back????
By MrDollars
@MrDollars (454)
Australia
October 1, 2010 9:04pm CST
Hello MyLotters,
What's cracking? haha
Anyways, look I have this friend and his daughter who is 19 years old wants to write and she is a wonderful girl and she would probably kill me for doing this but I found this funny and I just wanted to get your feedback. I just found it funny because I know her and when you know someone, it is pretty hard to criticize so since you do not know her, I am letting you judge. I would really appreicate it and hopefully she will get some ideas from you guys too for it will help her and study writing. She wanted this to be animated but she doesn't know how to do that kind of thing.
Thank you MyLotters! She wrote this.
"Guess What I Am Doing"
I see you in the kitchen
Sitting on the bench
I want you so badly
That my fists start to clench
You're the only one here
What can I do?
For I am the one
Who really wants you
You have already been called for
But I just can't take it
I'm gonna walk in there
and strip you naked
I know your not mine
But I just want a taste
Your owner isn't here
Can't let you go to waste
I put my lips around you
And I take a bite....
Hey reader, mind out the gutter
Your thoughts are not right
I would slap your head
Hey that can be your karma
For I am innocently
Just eating a banana.
Please give me truthful feed back. Thank you!
$-MrDollars-$
1 person likes this
2 responses
@MrDollars (454)
• Australia
7 Oct 10
haha yeah she does. Actually she pretty much laughs at a lot of things even those stupid puns that people make. Can not think of any right now but she finds stupid things funny lol.
Thank you heaps for your feed back!
$-MrDollars-$
@tomitomi (5429)
• Singapore
2 Oct 10
Hi Mr Dollars!
Honestly I find her very creative in words and thoughts. There is suspense right from the start. These are stuffs that make up good writing. If all the 5 senses are dramatically involved that would have been an added punch but it's still nice enough.
@MrDollars (454)
• Australia
7 Oct 10
Hello there tomitomi,
Just wanted to say thank you so very much for your positive feedback and I respect your honesty. :-D
That is actually s great idea about using all five senses. So thank you for the idea. Will tell her this although she will be reading all of this. I haven't told her yet about telling mylotters about her poem yet haha!
Anyways, again thank you for the feedback and the idea. :-D
$-MrDollars-$
