I Hope You Don't Take This The Wrong Way
By Janey1966
@Janey1966 (24170)
Carlisle, England
October 5, 2010 10:28am CST
I have been thinking long and hard about what I'm about to say and it's difficult because I'm not the world's best at diplomacy and tact, even whilst typing, so I hope you can understand what I'm on about without - like I say, "taking it the wrong way."
Well, here goes:-
Way back in 2007 I placed an ad in the newspaper looking for work, not expecting to get any replies. A chap called Bryan rang me and asked me to come and see where he was working at a place called Warwick Bridge. John knew it and drove me there so Bryan could suss out what my data input skills were like.
I told him all he had to know and he said that he would give me a month's trial at a tenner an hour, which was more than I'd ever been paid before, so I accepted his kind offer. John would take me there early in the morning and I would catch the bus coming back. Perfect..or so I thought.
Now, here's where the controversy comes in. Bryan is disabled. He gets around in a wheelchair but can transfer himself to a chair or even to get around on sticks albeit as a bit of a struggle. His workmate (unfortunately, I cannot remember his name) was also in a wheelchair but was born with spina bifeda, if memory serves me whereas Bryan has been disabled for 25 years after a parachute jump accident. He spent months in Stoke Mandeville Hospital where they specialise in spinal injuries. From that moment on he decided that his disability would not hold him back..and it didn't.
HOWEVER! I do think Bryan - despite being disabled all this time, hasn't fully come to terms with his lack of mobility. After a few days of knowing him he would call himself a "cripple" and have a go at airlines who would not accommodate him properly on their aeroplanes, branding them insensitive and uncaring. Travelling to London was part of his job.
When Bryan was on his own (his friend went into hospital for an operation) he was fine but when his mate came back they were like..I dunno, "let's get at the able-bodied person" and proceeded to tell me that one day I would be "just like them and would most certainly fall down the stairs, ending up in a wheelchair!" These comments were not said as a joke; they meant every word, I could tell.
I let them do this on a regular basis, never commenting but it did make me think that people, no matter if they are able-bodied or not, can be quite mean and insensitive toward others and they may even use their disabilities to do this in the first place because they know they can get away with it..whereas I could not, of course.
Once the month was up I actually got sacked as Bryan needed someone with more advanced computer skills than myself. I was upset about it at the time because I didn't see it coming and, of course, I loved the hourly rate, so that was a blow.
This is the bit you may not "get" but, do you know what I think? I think those two guys couldn't cope with someone like me who could use their legs to get around. It made them feel uncomfortable even though I never made it uncomfortable for them by staring unnecessarily or making off-the-cuff remarks.
So, why was it OK for them to be like that with me?![](/Content/images/emotes/blink.gif)
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3 people like this
9 responses
@shira0524 (482)
• United States
5 Oct 10
Yes, I understand what you're trying to say and this is proof that ridicule and harassment/lack of tolerance can go both ways.
I think there are two major things at stake here. One being that obviously Brian is very bitter, and I do understand that. I think I would be bitter, too. But - and I know it's easy for me to say since I'm not in his position - he's letting that bitterness ruin any chance he has to make things better for himself. Not only that, he's using his own pain to create pain for someone else. This is a commonly used tactic for when people feel helpless to improve on their own situations, so they subconsciously make things hard for people they perceive to be in better situations to "even the score" if you will. Really, people like that end up being pittied more, a lot of times. Despite all that, I do understand the behavior. What Bryan probably needs is a psychologist to help him accept his life now, and stop trying to make other people hurt just because he does.
Secondly, as a side thought to the above, they can probably get away with doing that because if you went and complained, they'd surely claim you were being prejudiced toward them since they're handicapped. That's a hard thing to fight when it comes to jobs. In reality though, it's THEM being prejudiced against YOU!
Not an easy situation to deal with. In the long run you may find it better that you're no longer working there. Good luck in finding something else.
3 people like this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
5 Oct 10
Many thanks for your objective views on this sensitive issue. On the most part, Bryan was (and is) extremely independent..always trying new things, not letting his disability get in the way BUT he still has a hang-up (I think) over the fact that his disability COULD'VE BEEN AVOIDED if he'd not done the parachute jump. Whenever he had a go at me - basically, for being who I am, I had to bite my tongue as I was dying to say "Well, you're a cripple (your favourite word) because of the parachute jump that you didn't have to go through with so please give able-bodied people like me a break!" No way could I say this as it wouldn't be appropriate and you're right..something like an Employment Tribunal would never take my side..they'd take one look at Bryan in his wheelchair and his decision to sack me would stand.
Mmm, it's all very interesting!![](/Content/images/emotes/whistle.gif)
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@shira0524 (482)
• United States
5 Oct 10
It really is. And even as far as his parachute jump turning out with such an unfortunate result. He was doing something fun for him, and we all have to accept the risks involved. I guess most people do things thinking "it'll never happen to me", but then, when it does, we have to eventually accept the fact that it happened. I really think he could benefit from a counselor to help him with that if he isn't already seeing one, but once again, there you'd have that whole issue of non-acceptance. "Why do I need a psychologist?" There's nothing wrong with me!" In the end, I think most people are only going to come to terms with things when they're ready to, and when they've done a lot of thinking, healing and personal discovery that lets them see how they're clouded, and how they've been acting toward other people.
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
5 Oct 10
Bryan had lots of help after the accident as he was based at Stoke Mandeville Hospital where he had physiotherapy on a daily basis. According to him, it was this female physiotherapist who spurred him on to be independent and not let life with a disability get to him.
However, perhaps all this positive thinking over the years has taken its toll. He is now in his 50s and I should imagine his condition means that he may age quicker than he would've done if he hadn't had his accident. What I'm trying to say is; he may be realising that his age may go against him eventually. For example, he needs tremendous upper-arm strength for him to get around the office on sticks, something he probably did with ease when he was younger.
Oh dear, I bet his ears are burning lol.![](/Content/images/emotes/lol.gif)
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@lacieice (2060)
• United States
5 Oct 10
Although outwardly they seemed to accept their disability, it's obvious that acceptance was all an act. They were behaving as they thought they should in public, but it was all a sham.
I am not wheelchair bound, but I am disabled. This is not the way I would have chosen to live my life, and, at times, I do give in to feeling sorry for myself. I can't even go for a walk...I can't walk more than around my home...and there are times that I feel bitter to have been dealt the hand I hold, through no fault of my own. I didn't do someething dangerous like parachuting...I just got sick.
I find it very difficult to accept, sometimes, that I will never be able to do the things I used to do, so, in a way, I can understand what these boys were going through, but I try really hard not to bring my misery to others. I would never wish others harm just because they can do things I can't.
They were and are wrong to do that, and you are better off away from them. Who knows? You may have, some day, had an "accident" while with them.
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
5 Oct 10
I did try to put myself in their shoes on a regular basis..not feel sorry for them, pity isn't what they wanted, I'm sure of that. I was just my ordinary, friendly self that I am with everyone, whether they are able-bodied or not. Perhaps they got sick of my friendliness and were waiting for me to come out with something awful to them so they could retaliate..I really don't know. You see, they were so used to being on their own in that office it was a real culture shock when I came along..and it's not as though Bryan didn't know me. We met up in his office even before I was taken on, so he knew what to expect.
Contrast those two with a lady in previous employment who could only move her right hand in order to move her electric wheelchair, although she could speak normally (if that's the right word). My boss at the time said that when she started she could move around like everyone else. Over time her mobility deteriorated and she needed 24 hour care. However, I can honestly say she's one of the loveliest people I've ever met..and everyone in the office felt the same way. Yes, she was in a wheelchair but she never said anything to make any of us feel uncomfortable about it. She was philosophical and probably felt lucky to be in a job at all..as she had already worked her way up to be boss of that section of the office. Instead of feeling sorry for her (which I know she would've hated) we were inspired by her as she's such an amazing woman.![](/Content/images/emotes/happy.gif)
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@GardenGerty (159754)
• United States
5 Oct 10
You know, even with a disability, people can be mean.Others, with or without a disability can be very nice. I have observed that when three people are in a relationship--and this is a relationship, two can get along and will almost always side against the third. You were the third person, and you were different. They both sound pretty angry about their life circumstances and you made an excellent target.
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
5 Oct 10
That's a great way of analyzing the situation and you've made a very good job of it too. As far as I know, I was never replaced so that gives you all you need to know about their set-up.
@derek_a (10874)
•
5 Oct 10
Hi Janey, Well, I don't think that that was a very pleasant experience for you. And as for the comments that "one day you would fall down the stairs and be just like them" -I think that is really weird. Being an outspoken sort of person, I think I would have got sacked a long time before you did, as I would have to know what would possess them to say such a thing.
_Derek
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1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
5 Oct 10
They weren't like that all the time but when they were I couldn't handle it as I couldn't find the correct repost..and they knew this too so took full advantage of that fact.
It was a good job, actually and paid well. Such a shame I had to put up with stuff no-one should have to deal with on a daily basis.
@thedailyclick (3017)
•
5 Oct 10
Okay so to shed light on this from my view point. I am not at the point of being wheelchair bound although due to medical issues it has been made clear to me that I will be in a wheelchair within a decade or two. As of now I can only walk with walking sticks and am forced to alternate between standing, sitting and lying down all the time. So I am not as disabled as the people you mention but have a form of disability which is restrictive.
Now the thing is I have those days where I see someone cycling, playing rugby or doing something which I no longer can and the bitterness swells up to the point that I could snap, but I don’t. The reason being is that it is no one else’s fault that I have this medical issue and so why should I take my problems out on them. Although saying that, I have snapped when someone has been purposefully insensitive and I feel justified in doing so.
It sounds to me that Bryan was struggling to deal with being disabled and in need of someone to blame or let out his frustrations on as he hasn’t fully accepted it. But it wasn’t right to take them out on you in any shape or form; it wasn’t your fault that he was disabled and that you were fully abled.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
5 Oct 10
I never realised how bad your back is and I hope you get support when you need it.
Those two I mentioned used to tell "disabled jokes" between themselves and I never knew how to react to those either. I'm sure they were trying to shock me at times but I never took the bait. Just smiled sweetly.
Don't get me wrong, it wasn't an absolutely horrendous office to work in. At times I enjoyed it, I really did but I couldn't understand why they had to resort to that behaviour when all I was doing was helping them out (or so I thought) on the computer. If I didn't need the money I would've been a tad braver and retaliated but I chose to keep schtum..and in actual fact, I'm quite proud that I did.![](/Content/images/emotes/happy.gif)
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@thedailyclick (3017)
•
5 Oct 10
I tend to keep my medical issues or specifics out of the public zone but thought this discussion called for a bit more openness.
Sadly some people really struggle to accept their disability, and it’s not an easy thing to do, but it does end up being a them against us mentality when you can’t accept it and are looking for someone to blame. As such with him being your boss and with a fellow disabled person you were in a minority, you were the odd person in their world and so were an easy target to let out all their frustrations on.
If you think about it, it’s not too unlike the school playground. If a young boy and a young girl are on their own they will probably play together, laugh and be friends. But bring another boy into the situation and the chances are the girl being the minority gets picked on and made fun off. It sounds like that is part of what happened, two disabled people ganging up on the abled person and it is the bitterness of their situation, their resentment of being disabled which was being unjustly used to be vindictive.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
5 Oct 10
Thanks very much for opening up and I can well understand not wanting to bring everything out in the open.
I am guilty of being too open at times but it's too late now, I can't delete the discussions in question lol.
Yes, you are right about the playground situation. What a great way of describing what happened to me in that office, it was very similar to that.
By the way, when I first started in the office it was just me and Bryan, then as soon as that other disabled guy turned up after a few days off, it all changed. I did know about him so I knew when he was coming back to work. Perhaps it was him who thought I was a threat, who knows?
Interesting, eh?![](/Content/images/emotes/blink.gif)
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@bird123 (10641)
• United States
6 Oct 10
Perhaps you need to do them a big favor. Tell them what you think. Sometimes people are bitter when things happen in their lives. They don't always realize what they are doing until it stares them in the face. Most people wouldn't say anything because they are crippled, but isn't it a greater love to tell them what they need to hear???
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
6 Oct 10
Only you know if you read the entire discussion..or not..but I actually got sacked and it was way back in 2007, so I can't really say anything now..nor would I want to, no point if I don't work for them anymore.![](/Content/images/emotes/whistle.gif)
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@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
6 Oct 10
If I'd have been kept on after the month's trial I would've brought up issues that I have mentioned in this discussion.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (99882)
• India
5 Oct 10
Hi Janey, I have had something similar happening in my life. :) We had a lady colleague - married to a drunkard. No matter how wrong she was, everybody had sympathy for her. My repulsion towards her was partly because she'd one day mentioned that her husband appreciated her buttocks. I thought that was gross. It is my belief that people who are gifted, or have something to be contented about, are often troubled by others till they react harshly. So everybody who has some harsh words to offer may not necessarily be bad.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
5 Oct 10
Well, that's true enough! Many thanks for your comment, it's much appreciated.![](/Content/images/emotes/happy.gif)
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@paige4evr (118)
• Estonia
5 Oct 10
I think it was definately wrong of him. So, not OK. But also, if he's not capable of coping I don't think it can be fully said that he is a mean person. Bitter, yes. But this is something that is so hard to accept. You can try to talk to them as equals but if they still cannot accept their situation peacefully themselves maybe it's best to back off. So, I personally would just distance myself and try to be understanding.
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