Giving the Benefit of the doubt

Things that have happened or been said in the past often have a lot to do with present circumstances. Saying "that was in the past" is, IMHO, a way of absolving oneself and avoiding responsibility for the consequences. I dont think that the past needs to be dragged up at every argument and it can be forgiven but hurt can take a long time to heal. I would say that dodging confrontation has its place in a relationship if its something minor but, if there is a real problem, it will never be resolved if one party refuses to acknowledge it. Indeed we can give people the benefit of the doubt and make allowances but, there comes a point when indulging someones unacceptable behaviour gets to be detrimental to everyone.

I do not think that many married couples fight fair amongst each other in today's time. I also feel that other people get involved in something that has nothing to do with them and ultimately make the problem a million times worse. I can admit that I do not fight fair with my husband when we are disagreeing.. because I'm real like that enough to admit to my mistakes lol. But... it definitely does not lack reason. I act that way towards him when we are fighting because I feel that is the only way that he will take me seriously. It is not so much as bringing up things from the past for me.. because he does that more often that I do... it is more of me DELIBERATELY hurting him. I will say things that I know may hurt him or piss him off just because I am hurt and pissed off at that point in time. Call it spite, if you will. It isn't really effective in some situations... but it provides me with that instant gratification!!

Hmmm... "fighting fair"... it's an interesting concept but I don't think it exists for the great majority of people. When a couple gets into a heated argument, it's because one or both are mad/hurt/etc. and, at that point, I think it's human nature to want the other person to feel what you're feeling. When we fight, we want to be heard... we want to be acknowledged... we want restitution or, at the very least, a sincere apology. It also depends on who you are fighting with and your history with that person. You mention bring up past events as a weapon. I readily admit I bring up the past and I'm always told "when are you going to let that go?" or "when are you going to forget about that?" I can tell you, quite honestly, that my response to that is "Never." When you live with someone who is a pathological liar and a narcissist, you come to understand that they live for themselves and themselves alone. They may be part of a couple but they are self-focused. When I bring up past events, it's in a effort to show that things are NOT changing or improving... that the same behavior is repeated over and over and over... no matter how hurtful or detrimental to the relationship it really is. I have given "the benefit of the doubt" more times than I care to admit to myself... because it's done nothing more than open me up to be hurt again and again. I find no value in it any more. It's like that old adage about giving someone an inch and they take a mile. When every confrontation results in a lie first, it hardly seems worth being concerned about fighting fair. It's more about getting to the bottom of things and making decisions about what the resolution can honestly be.

Love doesn't solve problems or make life sunshine and rainbows. "Understanding" is not the same as some "grin and bear it" attitude, which I think is the most counterproductive approach to a relationship ever. A knock-down blow-out is very rarely a first-course reaction to a simple conflict. The vast majority of the time, there is a built-up to a major argument. Someone bringing up the past is not a "weapon", it's an establishment of precedence. And pretending or thinking nothing is wrong only exacerbates the conflict, regardless if it's from genuine obliviousness or conflict avoidance, it displays a lack of ethic for solving the issue at hand. Some people do use pointless psychological warfare to simply get the upper hand, but most of the time when that happens, the relationship is to a point of not being salvageable anyway, hence the bitterness and venom. Fighting and arguments are a fact of life. People are human and humans have emotions and those emotions do get the best of us when pushed to our limits. Love doesn't change, alter or eliminate our emotional response. In fact it usually heightens it. Nor does being in a relationship or marriage somehow revoke the individual's right to comfort or happiness, hence why I despise the "grin and bear it" outlook. Keeping feelings, opinions and grievances bottled up only leads to festering bitterness and resentment. Letting off steam and venting frustrations keeps the relationship healthy.

Last night my boyfriend compared our differences to his past marriage. This extremely upset me! And then after I thought about it, I had great pleasure in reporting to him that the problems they had did not follow suit with us. He was only trying to defend himself as he did in the days of his marriage. So in this case, the man used the past to try to win an argument in the present and it backfired right in his face. Does it sound like, to anyone else, that he needs to let the past in the past? I've told him this, but it keeps coming back from time to time. How can I help to make it happen?