Is my way correct?
By johnpillai
@johnpillai (2082)
Germany
October 9, 2010 10:29am CST
Hi friends, My daughter is very good in her school lessons. From the very begining she gets good marks in all lessons. Suddenly in her 4th class she has started to show less interest in her lessons because of her new friendship. She could not get good marks. Normaly I am not greedy on good marks in lessons. But an intelligent child, getting poor marks only because of carelessness is dangerous. So I promised her that i would give her 5€ for each subject if she got good marks. She did it. Now i wanted to give her 20€. She asked me a lot of time. Realy i didn't have money. Then she had started to cry.
So i managed to give her 20€. then she asked me to go with her to do shopping to buy something. I told her that i had no time. She didn't listen to me. Started to cry again.
. So I stopped all of my work and went with her. Now she is happy and playing with her favourite things.
I don't know whether i am correct or not. i like to share your parenting and childhood expereiences.
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1 person likes this
18 responses
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
9 Oct 10
Hi John,
I fail to understand why parents tend to mix money with studies of their kids. My brother too did the same with his kid. Maybe I would understand this when I have my kid but I dont see the connection yet. It would have been been better if you would have promised something useful to the kid. I pointed this out to my brother who was hesitant at the start but later the trick worked out. I told him to start giving the boy some chocolates or some ice creams or even some games that he can play with and now both are happy.
When money gets involved, the kids would really never know how difficult it is to earn that amount these days. But their wants would keep increasing. Also when they have money, you cannot keep an eye on their expenses all the time.
But as the matter is over for the time being, and both of you seem to be happy, it is time to move on. Hope you find my suggestion useful in the near future.
@johnpillai (2082)
• Germany
9 Oct 10
Hi, thesids, My openion differs a bit from yours. Actually this is not my own openion. I find it is okey. So i follow that. The German Gornvenment try to train the young generation to deal with the money. This is not a Gornvenment rule. But I saw the habbit in German families. here the children are given pocket money. My daughter is now ten. So i give her 10€ per month. She is given freedom to spend her 10€ in her way. I don't advice her how to spend her money. Reward as money is also okey. But that should not be too much. 100€ as reward my lead to dangerous things. Dealing with money gives them experiences.
My daughter had no patience. She wanted her reward on the spot. She didn't bother my problem. that is why i am a bit disturbed.
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
10 Oct 10
I stand corrected now. Yes, in that situation, it is better to make them learn about handling money. As for your daughter's wanting the reward on the spot... kids will be kids and you cant beat that! (I too behave that way many a times with my wife... I want something and it has to be at that time)
@johnpillai (2082)
• Germany
10 Oct 10
You made me laugh. Thanks. When anybody makes me laugh I say thanks.
@shia88 (4571)
• Malaysia
10 Oct 10
Hi,
Rewarding our child is one of the way to get them motivate and
listen to what we want them to do.
Of course, you have to stay firm while making the decision.
Since she has shown up a good result in her study and you have promised to
give her some $$ as the rewards,then you have to fulfill your promises.
But you need to explain to her that rewarding her with $$ is a way to motivate her
to study and it is also for her goodsake in future.
Bear in mind that she should not take this method for granted.
She has to know why you are doing it for her.Let her know that by studying hard, she will have good result in her study which will make her have better future.
Don't always let her in once she started to cry. You have to stay firm while
handling your child. Crying is always the method for child to ask for something that they really want.
For me, sometimes my son will cry when he can't get the thing he wants and if I know it is not good for him,then I will drag him to corner and explain to him why I refuse to get him the thing that he wants.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
10 Oct 10
Johnpillai! I am writing this because you have sought our opinion. Children have to study and go about their duty because they have to do it. THey can get any marks; it is not relevant. THey should essentially work to their capacity and a duty must be slowly converted to a labour of love.Offering money, a prize, an incentive is something I am against. You can buy anything for her, you can stretch yourself to your maximum buying books for her every now and then. But this must just be part of a routine and not given as 'you get marks ; you do well this time; you get 90or 100 percent in Maths ; I will give you this' type of exchange. THis is equivalent to a bribe. THe child will work only based on expectation of a material thing in exchange.
On the other hand, you work with the child and gently inculcate an interest in doing well , then the child would start having self-imposed targets in higher classes. Oncce the child is used to praise and kudos it will get addicted to it. WOrds of praise would and should do wonders. Money should NEVER BE OFFERED. I would suggest you stop this practice, make her do the homework and daily lesson everyday because she is doing momma a big favour[this is exaggeration but it cannot be helped and slowly let her know how important performance is. Talk to her as though she is an adult and work with her.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
10 Oct 10
If she starts crying you must not give in to her. Tell her clearly thta she is a big girl, a sensible girl who knows how to behave and crying to get things is just spoilt behaviour .You have to tell her and show her you are angry and not yield to her tears. TO share a light joke, my sil used to tell her 2 year old daugher "Balaanaam rodhanam balam'[meaning 'crying is very good for the child. It adds to their strength and stamina an d so she must cry to her maximum.' THis is the belief in our household and till date I have no regrets.
@piya84 (2581)
• India
10 Oct 10
Ohh hello there
Well see you promised her rewards and she wanted it immediately .I don’t find anything wrong In it.But if you are going through financially difficult phase then you need to sit with you daughter and talk and explain her through what your family s going.
Sometime children are total unaware of problems family is going through and they keep demanding expensive things.But if you talk with them they do understand it and cooperate with parents.
@johnpillai (2082)
• Germany
10 Oct 10
Yes you arecorrect. Thankyou very much for your useful idea. She is 10 year old. I always explain her this. she understands a bit. i think she needs some time to be in control.
@marcmm (1804)
• Malaysia
10 Oct 10
For me you didn't do anything wrong or right either. I just how we try to encourage our kids nowadays and it is a gamble. Sometimes it work out well and sometimes it it back stabbing us back.
In your case it sure back stabbing you back. Do you change your approach or will you try to settle it the other way round? It is all up to how your child can accept the change and how she will react. I certainly didn't advice you to stop rewarding her because it will only discourage her in her study and might think you trick her. Maybe you should seek how you can spend more time with her and try to talk her the importance of study and how she didn't need to be rewarded by you because there is a greater reward waiting for her in the future if she study well.
Good luck in trying a new approach.
@johnpillai (2082)
• Germany
10 Oct 10
I thing so. But I thing I must train her to be patience. Thankyou.
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
11 Oct 10
I don't know if it was right or wrong, but we paid our children for good grades. Our son wasn't interested, although he was the smarter of the two. He was too bored with his classes to be bothered with grades. He traveled down a rocky path for a while but eventually turned out OK. I think it did make our daughter study a little harder. She turned out OK, too.
@jaiho2009 (39141)
• Philippines
11 Oct 10
If i may not mistaken,your daughter needs companionship.
See how she asks you to go with her with her shopping.
See hoe her grades being affected with friends around.
She needs your attention,more attention than ever.
I am also a mother of 3 kids,1 girl and 2 boys.
It's not easy to be a mother and father to them at the same time.
but i managed to be their friends as well.
Being their friends,it will be easier for me to handle each situation.
I play with them,talk with them and had some chit chat and jokes.
Listen to their musics,learn their ways too.
in that manner,they can confide their inner feelings to me.
Then,they don't need to resort to their friends when they needed someone to listen to them.
have a good day always![](/Content/images/emotes/happy.gif)
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@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
21 Oct 10
As a parent I don't think that you should have to drop everything that you are doing because your child is demanding your time or your resources. You see, I think that an important lesson that children need to learn while they are growing up is that the world doesn't revolve around them. I know that at times that might be stressful to you, but if children don't learn these kinds of things when they are young then they will expect everyone to bow down to them when they are older and that can cause a lot of problems.
@triplejazzm51 (1373)
• Philippines
9 Oct 10
Hi Johnpillai, i can relate to you, my daughter also was very diligent in her studies but lately she's just contented with a passing grade. She is in her last year in high school and her study habits has changed. She prefers watching anime' movies in her laptop or reading novels she downloaded rather than doing homework or studying her lessons. Whenever i remind her, she gets angry because according to her she will study her lessons after she's done with her relaxation thing.
After the first grading period she was so disappointed of herself because she was not included in the top ten. I told her that it was the price of being so addicted to anime movies and reading novels the whole day instead of studying her lessons. I also told her that being the class president she should be a model by staying at the top of her class. I think she has learned her lessons because i can see her doing her lessons now but she is still going back to her "relaxation" once in a while. I don't want to give her money or some things to motivate her because i want her to realize that making good in her studies is a responsibility to herself.
@johnpillai (2082)
• Germany
9 Oct 10
Your own experience you shared here is very very useful to me. i also have the same problems. these tv, video games, story books. nententoDS. all are killing me. here in germany some of the parents give money as reward when the child get good marks. I just follow the habit. she is only ten. I think a bit small for realizing the seriousness.
@qiuchimu (36)
• China
10 Oct 10
In my opinion,it is not a good idea to give money to children for high marks.You should be strict sometimes,or you will spoil her.
@johnpillai (2082)
• Germany
10 Oct 10
Children must be given small amount of money. If they get money only they can be trained to deal with money. here in Germany the class teacher asks the children whether they get their pocket money. If they get money they they plane what to do. But there should be a limit. My daughter was stubern to get the money which I promised. The problem here is her stuberness.
@stylewaves (1060)
• India
10 Oct 10
Getting anything she asks is not a Bad deed , but getting at that moment will be wrong because she may understand the problems finance later since she got everything at that moment itself
@johnpillai (2082)
• Germany
10 Oct 10
You got it what i meant Stylewaves. Yes i realize that. little by little i want to teache her. If handling money must be trained, having patience also must be trained. Thanks.
@RebeccaScarlett (2532)
• Canada
11 Oct 10
I would be more worried about the sudden change from always getting good marks to getting lower ones. Is something else going on that is affecting her marks? Like being bullied?
In regards to your question of dropping everything to take her shopping right away, perhaps you should have waited to help her understand that the things you need to do are important as well, and that she is not the only important one, but I don't think doing such a thing once will spoil her.
@johnpillai (2082)
• Germany
9 Oct 10
You are accepting, rewarding is okey. yes it is true. we reward our children to encourage them. Reward can be a toy or a small amount of money. I found this habit in germany. I find it good. but too much money is dangerous. I am disturbed because my daughter wanted it on the spot. she had no patient. giving a small amount is good for them. they learn maths and to handle money.
@jewelenterprises (1996)
• Australia
10 Oct 10
Hate to say this... but it sounds like you're being manipulated. This is typical of a child your daughters age, they often employ emotional blackmail to get their own way. She knows you don't want to see her upset so she cries to get her own way.
Of course, there is no easy way to combat this. Maybe instead of bribing her to perform by offering incentives you could withdraw privileges if she doesn't do her homework. For example: no homework = no tv or computer or no visiting friends.
As much as some people say we shouldn't punish children because it's bad for them emotionally, that's how the world works. You don't fulfill work responsibilities you lose your job etc. Life is full of responsibilities and if we don't fulfill those responsibilities the consequences are usually negative.
@kiran8 (15348)
• Mangalore, India
9 Oct 10
Parenting is not an easy task I feel . It is also different for different parents, one can never learn or go by another parents' experience.I feel that giving incentive once in a while is alright , but it may not be a good idea to make a practice of it, since such things teach children to develop a habit of emotional blackmail....But going out with her to buy something for her is really nice, who else does she have ? I feel that we have to be there for all their needs, unless it is impossible to do so, in which case make them understand ... I go out shopping with my daughters most of the times and enjoy it too...all the best and have a great Sunday ![](/Content/images/emotes/thumbup.gif)
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@cicisnana (772)
• United States
10 Oct 10
I think you did right by giving her a little incentive but I think she was wrong with all the pouting about wanting to go this minute. You should have made her wait on that one.
@tokiomonik (2)
•
9 Oct 10
I am a daughter not a mother but I know that my parents tried this on me too. It worked out for a while but they realised it was not the best thing to do. Why? Well first of all, we all want something in return for the things we do but we shouldn`t get used to this lesson in life because not everything in this life is based on give and take. You are the parent, you are in control and if you give her everything she wants then she will be in charge. And once she realise this than it can only go one way: the wrong way.
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