Have you ever kept a secret from your spouse?
By katsmeow1213
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
United States
October 9, 2010 5:29pm CST
I was reading a book today, and the entire first chapter was about keeping secrets. Too many people keep secrets from the person their dating because they're afraid of what people will think of them, or they're afraid of rejection. But then the secret usually comes out after marriage.. and the spouse wishes they had known prior to the wedding so they could have made a more informed decision prior to making a lifelong commitment. The deception (not what was actually hidden) is usually what kills the marriage as all trust is lost.
Have you ever kept a secret from your spouse? Did it hurt your relationship at all?
My husband knew 99% of my secrets before we ever started dating. My ex-boyfriend, whom I'd lived with so obviously told all my secrets to, had decided to spread all my embarassing secrets to all his friends.. who then spread them on to other people.. basically at that point my secrets were just common knowledge... which has helped me learn not to be ashamed of the mistakes I've made.
However there was 1 secret which I did not tell hubby until after we'd moved in together. We weren't married yet and hadn't had kids together yet..so it was still early on enough for him to make an informed decision. When I told him this secret he told me he was actually glad I'd kept it from him until that point. He said if he'd learned sooner he may have had a different reaction and may not have decided to date me or move in with me. But at that point he was already too much in love to walk away, so that made my secret more manageable. Thankfully it was not really a life altering secret!
6 people like this
11 responses
@shaggin (71909)
• United States
10 Oct 10
My ex knew everything about me. I never lied. The only thing that I didnt tell him was when a friend or family member would confide in me and tell me not to tell anyone. Some people think that when someone says that its a given that you are ok with you telling your significant other but I dont feel that way. So if someone told me a secret I wouldnt tell anyone not even my spouse.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
10 Oct 10
As long as it doesn't affect your spouse then that's an okay secret as it's not your secret to tell. Personally I do share those secrets with my husband.. but I know he won't tell anyone else, and most of the time he doesn't care anyways.. to him it's just girl talk.. but it's something for me to talk about at the end of the day when he's home from work and I've done nothing all day but yell at the kids... we both need something outside of work and kids to discuss, so my friends problems are the topics, lol.
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
11 Oct 10
I actually call my husband mouth of the south because he can't keep a secret to save his soul and he blabs everything he hears whether he was told to keep it a secret or not..which is why I basically never tell him much of anything..if I wanted the workd to know I would tell him and my sister in law..by the end of the day the whole town would know..lol I tried confiding in him about stuff but he doesn't know how to be discreet about stuff..
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
10 Oct 10
It's like this..if they loved the person enough to marry them then the secrets shouldn't be to much of a lump to get over unless it is a secret that they kill all their spouses previously to get insurance money..lol..But seriously I have and still do keep a few secrets from my hubby, I know it is bad but heck I know he keeps them from me as well, because eventually I find out his through his family who accidentally let it slip..like we are getting two tubs of cookie dough because his nephew was selling it for school...and each year most of it goes to waste and I had told him that 32 dollars was two much for cookie dough to waste and told him this year wasn't getting any..he snuck and got it while I was at my moms when she was in the hospital last week. I have secrets and they will remain that way and probably go to the grave with me since I haven't told them to no one and probably never will. Their are some things that is just better left not told.
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
11 Oct 10
For the last few years we have gotten cookie dough, and both agreed last year that we wouldn't get any this year since it is really a waste since we don't even really eat cookies all that much(well, I do too much, which is the point not healthy for me...lol..) And on top of that..we are behind on bills and he choose to order and pay for the cookie dough before our bills were paid and so yet again we are a month behind still on our phone and cable and we got the cut off notice Friday.. I just wish he would have thought reasonably about it. because since he bought from one kid...we will now be ran over with the others to buy stuff and his family are like this..if you buy from one you have to buy from all..and we just can't afford it. Not with him barely working part time and also winter zooming up fast and still no money saved up for the winter. He also gives the kids money for their snacks occasionally he has a big heart which is one thing that attracted me to him, but he needs to get his priorities straightened first..first things first then if something is left then do stuff..
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
11 Oct 10
Yeah, I'd probably be upset by that too. I can understand the family wanting you to buy from all kids and not just one.. we face that same problem. When my kids brought home fundraisers (3 kids, same fundraiser) we asked the people interested in buying to get an equal amount from each kid.. which of course meant you had to seperate the payments.. so write 3 checks or pay exact cash.. etc. Yeah, it's a pain. I usually won't even bother with the fundraisers because even I can't afford to buy something from each kid so why should I make others feel obligated to?
I'm no shrink so I don't really have any advice about how to make your hubby stop spending when the bills are so tight. I've read that sometimes that can be a self esteem issue. Maybe he doesn't feel good about not being able to provide for you.. so he gives money away or buys unnecessary things to make himself feel better and make it seem, even for a minute, as if you do have extra money to spend. I don't know if there's a remedy for that because hubby and I do it ourselves.. we both do it and we both enable each other to do it.
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
11 Oct 10
No I didi not have any secrets but he had a few but these were painful things from his chidhood but he ws able to talk to me about them in time. It was very painful for him to talk about but it helped him to do so. I think that there should be basic truthfulness in any marriage nut some peope may be scared to tak about something that may have happened.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
11 Oct 10
That is understandable. I had some secrets from childhood too.. but was not afraid to discuss them. It's hubby that doesn't like hearing about it.. understandably. I was molested many times as a child.. and that hard for anyone to hear about and think about when they love someone. It's not that he doesn't want to know.. he just doesn't want to think about that happening to me.
@wefallwerise (39)
• Philippines
11 Oct 10
yes, there are two secrets that I've successfully kept from my husband, and I intend to have them secrets for the rest of my life. Despite these secrets, our marriage has been relatively good, and I don't feel any guilt by not telling these secrets. I strongly believe that there are still things that we can keep to ourselves as long as our motives of keeping them are good and are even helpful, and that the results of unveiling them are not worth the effort, and that these secrets are not essential to a marriage.
Not telling a fiance/e that one is infertile is one instance where keeping it a secret is not right. Others are having a child out of wedlock, high level of debts, sickness in the family,and phobias or hang-ups that greatly affect physical and emotional relationships.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
11 Oct 10
Whenever I try to think if I should or shouldn't do something... I reverse our roles. I think about how I'd feel if my husband were the one doing what I'm doing, or about to do. If it's something I wouldn't like.. I won't do it.
So when it comes to secrets.. if you stop and think about how you'd feel if your husband kept a secret from you.. like the kind of secrets you're keeping from him. If you think you'd be bothered by him keeping those secrets.. then you should probably tell him.. but if you think it's fine for him to have similar secrets of his own.. then there's no problem keeping your secrets to yourself.
@Krizz420canada (531)
• Canada
10 Oct 10
I personally believe that 99 percent of people do have a secret they are keeping from their spouse but with good reason maybe. I agree a relationship should be like a open book but I also believe what happen in the past should stay in the past and not be brought up even if asked by a loved one. I have had girlfriends in the past ask me questions I have kept secret from others and after it changed their whole opinion or attitude towards me. So in my opinion I believe its ok to keep some secrets to keep from hurting the others feelings.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
10 Oct 10
I think it depends on what the secret is. If it's something that impacts the other person, they should know. Past hurts and mistakes do have a way of creating who you are and how you act today. So I do believe everything should be shared.. however certain things can remain private such as intimacy with previous lovers.. she only needs to know that there was previous lovers.. not what you did with them.
@AmbiePam (88835)
• United States
10 Oct 10
You know now don't you that most everyone is going to bug you about your secret? lol Nah, hopefully we all know how to mind our own business. I haven't really gotten to the phase with a guy where I feel inclined to share any secrets. I've never been enagaged. If I got engaged, I would share whatever I hadn't already. But boyfriends don't really merit any heartfelt confessions. But I don't really have any earth shattering secrets. I'm quite boring. : )
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
10 Oct 10
No I will not divulge my secret.. it's personal. Only 2, maybe 3 people know about it, and that's all that will ever know. Though honestly it's about the only secret I have these days.
@mandy8611 (154)
• China
10 Oct 10
I always think true love will let your better half have tolerance on you, if he/she love you deeply, he/she will love you all the same when you tell him/her the secret.and he/she will be happy for your honesty.I have never had secret kept from my husband,but he used to have secret on me, when I knew the secret from his friend,I was very angry. I have always belived that there was no secret between us, but I'm not confident about that now,and I wonder if he has other secrets.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
10 Oct 10
You now have a lack of trust which is hurting your relationship.. that's why secrets aren't good. Perhaps you'll both learn a lesson and learn that secrets need to be shared openly.
@froggieslover (3069)
• United States
10 Oct 10
I think the secret to a good relationship and marriage is being truthful, if you are keeping secrets from your spouse then in my opinion your marriage is not going to work and not going to last. The husband and I both had previouse relationships and throughout them we both learned things that we did not want to do in ours. My husband and I are really open with our relationship and I think that is what makes our marriage wonderful. We have talked about our past and things that happen in the present numerous times, it is us all the time....husband goes to work and comes home, i am a stay at home and the kids go to school and come home and if we are not at those places than we are home so there really are no secrets to keep because there is no time but even if there were I wouldnt not keep them because i cherish my marriage and secrets are not anything that your marriage should be based on.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
10 Oct 10
I completely agree.. and again we're very similar. We hardly go anywhere except school, work, etc.. and when we do go places we go together. One afternoon I was not at home when hubby called, and when I called him back he jokingly asked if I was at my boyfriend's.. so gross because I'd been over at his father's!
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
14 Oct 10
I think that the vast majority of people do keep at least something from their significant other. However, as I sit here and think about it, there is really nothing that I've kept from my husband. Before we were married, he knew most everything about me and the few things that hadn't come up to be shared at that point in our lives together have been shared since then. If someone was to ask Tom anything about me, I know that he would be able to answer the question correctly. I also tend to think that the fact that I've not hidden anything from him is part of the reason that we have such a solid relationship now.
@sender621 (14894)
• United States
10 Oct 10
There are probably few marriages where a secret is not kept from a spouse. As long as they are good secrets, i see nothing wrong with that.