Would you put a lot of pressure on your child to perform well in school?
By devijay78
@devijay78 (1573)
India
October 11, 2010 11:01am CST
I am amazed to see what some parents do to make their children do well in school both in studies and extra curricular activities. There is a fancy dress competition in my daughter's school for lower nursery students and some of the kids including mine have enrolled themselves for that. The other day, when we parents(read mothers) were having a small chat after school, I could sense the mothers present there so tensed as to what their child would wear and how she/he would talk etc. One mother had gone her way out and refused to even tell others(to the point of being rude to others including myself) what her daughter was dressing up as.
But she made it a point to ask all the others what they were planning. Finally, anyway, her secret was out and she was so dissappointed at the other parent who revealed it! 
There was something I noticed in all the mothers present there. They wanted their children not only perform well but to win the competition. That is ok. But they were putting undue stress on the children and the poor kids looked so bewildered as to what the fuss was all about. I am more than happy to let my daughter participate. I know I will enjoy it as well as she. It is an added bonus if she wins, but it does not make any difference to me. For me, participation and enjoying what she does is more important than winning. And as far as the competition is concerned, the kids are three for crying out aloud! I don't know what all the fuss is about, getting all worked up for their kids to win! Or am I the only one who thinks this way? Does it mean I am not competitive enough? Please share your views.
(And today was the preliminary selection and my daughter got selected!
)
But she made it a point to ask all the others what they were planning. Finally, anyway, her secret was out and she was so dissappointed at the other parent who revealed it!
There was something I noticed in all the mothers present there. They wanted their children not only perform well but to win the competition. That is ok. But they were putting undue stress on the children and the poor kids looked so bewildered as to what the fuss was all about. I am more than happy to let my daughter participate. I know I will enjoy it as well as she. It is an added bonus if she wins, but it does not make any difference to me. For me, participation and enjoying what she does is more important than winning. And as far as the competition is concerned, the kids are three for crying out aloud! I don't know what all the fuss is about, getting all worked up for their kids to win! Or am I the only one who thinks this way? Does it mean I am not competitive enough? Please share your views.
(And today was the preliminary selection and my daughter got selected!)3 people like this
10 responses
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
11 Oct 10
Yeah congrats to you daughter in the prelims. I stressed the importance of education and doing well. I also taught my kids that when they joined something they had to see it through the end.
So when they asked me can I join (something), I sat with them asked why, to see if it was something they truly wanted and would be dedicated as I would not tolerate giving up later, as others would be counting on them as well. This way I could determine if it was something to join because others did.
I was very encouraging to my children and also knew when too much was too much, I wanted my kids to grow up having made decisions as well.
I stressed the importance of education and doing well. I also taught my kids that when they joined something they had to see it through the end.
So when they asked me can I join (something), I sat with them asked why, to see if it was something they truly wanted and would be dedicated as I would not tolerate giving up later, as others would be counting on them as well. This way I could determine if it was something to join because others did.
I was very encouraging to my children and also knew when too much was too much, I wanted my kids to grow up having made decisions as well. 1 person likes this
@devijay78 (1573)
• India
11 Oct 10
Thanks a lot. That would work well with kids and I hope in future I do the same with mine. I really got irritated when I saw all the mothers fussing so much. Just wanted to take my kid and get out of there, which I did! Such a bad influence, really!
I do have a talk with her school teacher now and then to see how she is doing at school(read once in three or four days). And have made changes accordingly. She has improved a lot in writing which, just fifteen days back, she hated doing. Education is important, but not to the point of breaking her spirit. What say?
1 person likes this
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
11 Oct 10
Sounds great, parental involvement is very important. Sometimes children do not like certain subjects but the fact that you are involved will make her more confident.
1 person likes this
@Etharon (217)
• Malaysia
12 Oct 10
I would also enroll my boys in any activities that their school organises to give them more exposure. Of course they would be expected to try their best, if they win...well great. If they don't it't not the end of the world...it's great for experience to help them build self confidence.
1 person likes this
@devijay78 (1573)
• India
12 Oct 10
That is my attitude exactly. I have enrolled her in dance classes as well. But it has not started yet. I just want her to enjoy herself as well as learn something new so that her self confidence improves.
@deriellevc73 (982)
• Philippines
12 Oct 10
hello devijay!
you are not alone in the way you're thinking about the whole matter. I guess most mothers are just "stage mothers" especially those who have not experienced the things that their kids are experiencing. the mothers feel as though they are the one in the competition, instead of their kids.
i myself have three kids and i don't place any pressure on them to excel in school. i encourage them and motivate them but i don't give undue pressure. I myself had been pressured in my younger years by my parents. id say i didn't have the normal childhood that most kids have since i was always striving to maintain my stature in class, always the first. i don't want my kids to experience what i have gone through for they might not have my strong will and determination not to let it affect my personality and outlook in life and they might end up viewing everything as a competition.
like you i believe that the participation and the fun we experience in joining competitions are enough, the winning is a bonus. i am competitive, but in a healthy way i guess.
1 person likes this
@oldchem1 (8132)
•
12 Oct 10
I would 9 and have) always encouraged my children at schooland helped them as much as I could but there is no way that I would put a lot of pressure on them, I have seen only too well the effects of such actions on other children.
My cousin had a boy (he's in his 40's now) whom his parnts and grandfather doted on and insisted was a 'genius' - he was pushed, and pushed at school, given private tuition, allowed only educational toys and as going to be something very special.
The boy (well man now) has two broken marriages, two children he is not alloed to see, never made it to university and had a complete nervous breakdown - he is no a very troubled young man. All because his parents (and I must say mainly his grandfather) insisted that he was cleverer thanhe actually was.
I have always told my children that so long as they did all thatbthey could to the best of their abilities I would be pleased, I let them know that exam results did not concern me too much but when they did well they got praise and rewards!
Thankfully my children all worked well and hard at schooland I am proud of them all. One of them wasn't as academically good as the others and didn't get as good exam results, but I didn't make a fuss about this - she is a girl who has developed later in life and is now doing well in her career and is an extremely hard working and conscientious girl.
My kids are though still fiercly competitive - but in a fun way - I don't think I did such a bad job of bringing up my shower, I love them all to bits!!
1 person likes this
@devijay78 (1573)
• India
12 Oct 10
Hats off to you! It is a very difficult thing to do, raising children and teaching them to be winners. Even if they loose, to tell them that it is ok and trying is what is important. I am proud of my daughter. Only ten were selected for the fancy dress competition from a lot of applicants and she is among the ten. Without much fuss and tension. I am not much bothered whether she wins or looses. She gave her best in what she did and enjoyed it. That is more important.
@devijay78 (1573)
• India
11 Oct 10
Yes, that is what I am talking about. These kids are just 3 to 4 years old and look what their parents are teaching them! Those kids look baffled. But I was not really so hyped about her selection. Just taught her something she enjoyed doing and asked her to repeat loudly(which she always does even without me teaching her).
).1 person likes this
@SimpleBB (1329)
• Philippines
12 Oct 10
For you devijay, your attitude doesn't mean that you're not competitive. You just positioning yourself as a mother who wants her child to enjoy her childhood. Of course, it is not proper to pressure the children on what or how to do something. Even in studies, they have to support and teach the child but not to pressure them. We never know totally how the children would feel for controlling them aside from what would be the possible effect to them. Maybe we could just guide them, but not ask them what we want them to do. Even in their young lives, they have the will to explore and let them do so, for them to enjoy and learn as well. Pressuring them will lost their confidence and build low self esteem. Happy mylotting.
@sender621 (14893)
• United States
12 Oct 10
We should never pressure our children to do well in school. it does nothing for their esteem or their progress. e should encourage our children to do the best that they can. They is all we can hope for and all we should expect.
@anurag3786 (6267)
• India
12 Oct 10
I think parents shouldn’t put a lot of pressure on their children for performing well in the schools. Because I think every child have different-2 ability of gaining. Some child has very good gaining power and some have not. So it is depending on a child that how cans he/she may learn from schools.
