Domestic Voilence, not being able to do anything

@emarie (5442)
United States
October 15, 2010 11:00am CST
A friend of my husband (his ex actually) is in a very violent relationship. We live in the same state but maybe 2 hours away from each other. For the past few years she's been saying that her husband has been getting more and more violent towards her. They have 2 children together and she thinks one may be autistic. They've broken up before but of course she took him back. She tells my husband they fight over the smallest things, mostly because of food. he doesn't like the way she cooks. the last incident she told me of was when she was fixing him lunch he got angry and pushed her up against the wall when she tried to leave and told her that if she calls the cops that he'll beat the living daylights out of her. She doesn't have any more friends close to her anymore because her husband scared them all away, and even when her neighbor tried to call the cops he tried to go after her. She pretty much feels alone. She's called the hotlines for domestic violence and is talking to them trying to find out what to do. The shelters are all full and she's been put on a waiting list for about 3 months. I can't even talk to her (phone or online) when her husband is home because he gets upset if he thinks she even has friends to talk to. He's also cheated on her and my husband feels he's still fooling around but wants her to stay with him. She wants to get out, but of course is scared to move her children and she doesn't know where to go. My family is in a 1 bedroom apartment, but we offered to go and get her and her children but I suggested she go to the courthouse first to get custody of the children before leaving the county & city so her husband doesn't file kidnapping charges. What else can she do and what can me and my husband do to help her? I'm at a loss and since I'm not there I can't force her to leave him. If I was there I'd probably beat him if I could. I'm scared one day he'll go too far and seriously hurt her so I want her out of there. She's a stay-at-home mom with no income other then from her husband so she doesn't have an income of her own. She has no family anywhere near her either and none willing to help as well.
3 responses
chasityxo
@chasityxo (9)
• Canada
15 Oct 10
I was in an abusive relationship, 2 actually. One was worse then the other but the only advice I can give you is that, you can not do anything to help her if she doesn't want the help truly, if she does then she would leave. Nothing is going to change, she needs to get out of that situation before she gets hurt really bad, even worse, killed. Also, she should not have her children in that situation. My daughter has seen too much and has also experienced some of the abuse (only verbal) but still you only shape your children by having them watch and learn, they don't do as you say they do as you do. I am a perfect example for this as my mother was in abusive relationship when I was a young child and I fell right into it as an adult as well. You need to tell she has to leave, if you guys truly want to help her then that is what you can do, if she needs a place to stay then you help her find one, let her know she is not alone. Women go through this all the time but most are never strong enough to leave. She may love him but he does not love her, physical abuse is no form of love. Good luck.
emarie
@emarie (5442)
• United States
15 Oct 10
I've told her to get away. She told me she wants to do it without him knowing and my husband told her that he's going to eventually find out. Just as long as she gets all the legality stuff taken care of. She's also hesitant because of the children but I've told her what you've told me. She has 2 boys and she said her husband was in an abusive home and she's putting her sons in the same situation. I've offered my apartment as something temporary. There's always vacancies around my area for rent and I'd rather have her close to me and my husband in case her husband tries to come after her. From what I've heard, he's not that much of a father and doesn't even care to take care of his kids. It's all her. I'm a stay at home mom myself and I'll be willing to watch her children for free if she needs to get a job. What legal actions did you take before you left your abusive relationship?
chasityxo
@chasityxo (9)
• Canada
15 Oct 10
good!! I hope she takes up on the advice, he wont be able to find her if she doesn't tell anyone where/when she is going. Also, as for legal actions,tell her to get a restraining order on him, if hes not a good father as you have said then there is no reason for him to come around, she can get it set up so that he has to pay child support but is not allowed to see his children, I know she may be scared to contact the police for fear of her children getting taken away but trust me they will be happier that she is trying to leave than anything else, she is going to want to contact her lawyer (or public legal aid) as well for anything on his part that may come up, like if he tries to fight it, it would help her if she had proof also of the abuse, other people to vouch for her and say this is what happened and why she has left and why he should not be allowed around her or the kids.
emarie
@emarie (5442)
• United States
15 Oct 10
I've told her to document every argument that happens either writing it down on paper or even online and emailing it to me so I can keep the record for her. I also told her to take any pictures and send them to me to keep (so she can delete them off her camera so he doesn't figure it out). I figured it was something that I could do. I don't know why she's scared to call the cops. If I was threatened I would want to call the cops even more, but I've never been in that type of situation before. I know she's getting counseling from the National Hot-line for Domestic Violence. She keeps trying to do it without her husband noticing. Apparently his hours are odd and he's mostly gone from after lunch till late. So the only time she has is between 1pm and maybe 10:30pm to do anything. I guess she feels scared to change, that's what my husband thinks. He knows her better then I do, I haven't even met her yet, just talked online, but I'm still pretty concerned. Thanks again for your comments.
devijay78
@devijay78 (1573)
• India
15 Oct 10
I dont know how it is in other countries. But my suggestion is that she should get a job first and then try out other options(like searching for a place to live and find out how to get out of that house without getting herself or the kids hurt). I know how bad it would be in a situation like this. Just ask her to get a job first. Does not matter what her qualification is. Tell her to find a job, any job first and then depending on her salary, think about moving out. She cannot be a burden to others you know? She would not like it nor would the others. And let her not do anything to spark off a fight for sometime. She will only make it worse for herself. This is the time to be smart and not take emotional decisions. She at least has you to support her. Even moral support is a great help. Just let her lie low for some days till she sorts out things for herself and her kids and then, when everything is set, let her make the move. I find many people taking emotional and impulsive decisions in the spur of the moment and landing in trouble. I was one of them, but now, I am too wise to have learnt from my mistakes and would not repeat them. It would be very very difficult for her, but ask her to do smart work and plan everything beforehand, the job, the house or place to live temperorily, how to take care of the children, legal aid, etc. etc. and then make her move. It is her now who is getting beaten up and abused, it might be the kids later. Caution her and help her get out of there. But with patience this can be done. Hope this helps.
emarie
@emarie (5442)
• United States
15 Oct 10
The work here in the US is pretty scarce. She's been trying to get a job, but with no luck. Between taking care of the kids and her husband wanting her to take care of him, she has no real time. I offered to let her stay with me (although small and cramped as it is) and my husband who is currently looking for a job as well until she can find a safe place of her own. I just want her and her children out of that situation before it gets worse like others say. Over the past year it has slowly escalated and she's never felt as scared as she does now. She's working with people where she lived (she lives 2 hrs away from me) to help make a safe escape, but there's not much around her area to escape to. Thank you for your comments and thoughts.
ganeshprabhuk
@ganeshprabhuk (1722)
• India
16 Oct 10
Domestic violence is creating lot of problem to the public as it disturbs the harmony of the society. The situation is so violent as no body goes forward to solve this as no security is provided even to the people who fights for it. the society should come forward to solve this type of problem and all the facilities should be given to them to stop this type of disturbance to the society.