Do You Pay Attention Before You Respond???
By LadyMarissa
@LadyMarissa (12148)
United States
October 16, 2010 3:53pm CST
In looking around for discussions needing responses, I've noticed a good many today that the responder answers for where they live instead of taking that extra minute to look & see where the OP lives. A young lady in the Middle East opens her heart asking for advice on being raped by her father. A responder says tell your Mother & maybe she will leave your Father...NOT likely. I've also seen responses from the Middle East telling Western women they live a wrong life because of the laws of their own land...NOT the laws of where the person lives. I know when I look at discussions asking for advice, I always try & look to see what culture the person lives in. In my culture, women who are being abused leave. In other cultures, the woman would be severely punished for leaving her husband...the leader of the family. So, when responding, why do you not take that extra minute to determine if your answer is the best for the person asking for help??? If you do take that extra minute, how does it change the way you respond???
4 people like this
14 responses
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
27 Oct 10
I actually do not look that up
But I will not advise to leave as I have been there and I know how hard it is to break away from abuse and cheating I as there for 21 years
So I will never say straight out leave, I will say try and get help to leave, do not make the mistake I did but then if they come back to me with something like what their Cultures is then of course I will try to advise differently, which is a bit harder as it is different from ours
I wish People would not just say
Your Mm will leave him.........or report the rapist if they are not sure what they are on about, I have been there as well I can relate
In the Husband Case again, People do not understand why we put up with it well there is a lot more behind the scenes then just abuse
@LadyMarissa (12148)
• United States
28 Oct 10
You don't have to explain abuse to me Gabs. I, too, have been there!!! I didn't last for 21 years & I surely can NOT tell you why I stayed!!!! I loved him soooo freakin much, I kept thinking if I proved to him how much I loved him, he'd learn to love me. I think you understand that it just does NOT work that way!!! An abuser ONLY loves one person...THEMSELVES!!! I do my best here to NOT say this is what you need to do...opting to say, this is what worked best for me. Sadly, I see way too many people saying this is what you need to do & some don't take into account how fragile the OP might be nor that their situation is completely different!!! 
@carolbee (16230)
• United States
18 Oct 10
There are times it's difficult for me to express my feelings about certain subjects. This discussion is a good example of something I may avoid since I don't have any experience with being abused. I do know what I would do if I was in this kind of situation but it doesn't mean it's the best decision for someone else. Keeping this in mind, I wouldn't respond to a discussion asking my opinion about abuse. I try to take time and think things through when responding to discussions. I will take the extra time.
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12148)
• United States
28 Oct 10
I have been in an abusive relationship & I was still at a loss for words. This child was only 16 & being raped by her own Dad. She was from a Middle Eastern country where the men are expected to rape their prey. Here in the US telling Mom might be an acceptable response. However, her Mom would have been NO more protection than a wet paper bag!!!!
I know you are careful when responding no matter who it is & I don't remember seeing you respond to that discussion. I didn't respond either as I feared that any advice I gave her might have been dangerous for her health!!! I was so upset over the situation, I finally just left without saying a word. Then I felt guilty for not having an answer for her!!! I know what I would do now, but I know what I did NOT do when I was 19 years old!!! (NO, it wasn't my Dad!!!) So, I felt unqualified to say anything!!! That was almost as unnerving & upsetting as not knowing what to do 41 years ago!!!!
@CoffeeAnyone (3210)
• Canada
17 Oct 10
I like to think I take the time to consider all things when responding to a discussion. After reading your discussion I wonder if that is true?
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12148)
• United States
17 Oct 10
You sound conscientious; so I'll bet if you've forgotten anything today, that will be corrected by tomorrow!!! 
I read the discussion & formulate in my mind what I want to say & then I go to the profile to get an idea how old they are & what area they're from & determine if what I had planned to say still applies or if I should adjust something.
I read the discussion & formulate in my mind what I want to say & then I go to the profile to get an idea how old they are & what area they're from & determine if what I had planned to say still applies or if I should adjust something.
@Ladyobsidian (198)
• Canada
17 Oct 10
I do pay attention to each topic, before I respond, as well as read all the current responses as well. I love participating in forums / boards like this, and like to be as well informed as I can be.
1 person likes this
@nijolechu (1842)
• Canada
17 Oct 10
That is some pretty good advice. I should be doing my research on the poster of the discussions that I reply to. I should look at the country or culture they are from. Because you don't want to anger or offend the person by giving an inappropriate reply. I try my best not to be judgemental about people and the way they live. I like others just want to help people here with their problems.
1 person likes this
@iamjesca (185)
• Philippines
17 Oct 10
I make sure that I have read everything before I respond. So that I can make sure that my response will be suitable to the discussion at hand. It would be very awkward when people dont respond appropriately on the discussion they are responding. By reading the content of the discussion would give you an idea of what you will be your response. I am trying to put myself on the situation and respond wholeheartedly with the discussion. There are also some topics which I oppose too. And give my explanation on my side of the story. I really think people should read the discussion thoroughly before jumping to any conclusion.
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12148)
• United States
28 Oct 10
I agree. Sadly, many don't do that!!! Many think that because they read the Title, they know it all!!! Sometimes that just isn't true!!!! 
Many think that because they read the Title, they know it all!!! Sometimes that just isn't true!!!! 
@yogeshdhusa (2236)
• India
17 Oct 10
Hi, I actually don’t look at the culture but I try to feel what the person is feeling while typing the discussion. While responding I think what is right for me if I am in that situation. Then only I advice. Culture is important, but the person who did wrong is not acting according to the culture then no use. The person who suffer will always be suffered from his heart and mind because of some one. In short everyone is different also situation is different but the right and wrong thing is always the same.
@LadyMarissa (12148)
• United States
17 Oct 10
If you don't consider the culture, how do feel what the other person is feeling??? Due to the culture, a woman in the Middle East is required to be subservient to the male. In the United states, it is the exact opposite!!! If you don't know what general area of the world they live in, how can you possibly know what they're feeling??? Another example are people who live in the UK. They think much like those of us in the US. However, they have their own unique sense of humor. We are all a product of our environment & where we live helps to make us who we are!!! I have even noticed a difference in thinking of people who live on the East coast of the US from the West coast as well as from the Central plains. Those from the Northern part of the US think completely different from the Southern part. I could go on & on about this, but I think you'll understand what I'm saying!!!
@Loen210 (1540)
• United States
17 Oct 10
Hi Marissa,
Of course, I will read. And I would hope people respond to the discussions that interest them. Honestly, I would find it difficult to give a careless respons eo somebody if the topic or person does not draw my attention.
And as I have not been as good as you on being a regular poster adn person every day, I have many things to discover on mylot. I'm sorry to hear about a woman from the Middle East was raped and and searching for help on here. I have not read that or such postings yet. But I guess there is a lot to find on here.
Since I have not connected up with too many people here on here, I have not had near as many responses as others have for their topics.
But thanks for bringing this up.
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
17 Oct 10
I often look at the person's profile before answering. I might check where they are from if they seem to have trouble with English or if they have an attitude that is shocking to me or bring something up that I know nothing about. Most of the people that I reply to, I know where they are from since they're on my friends list. The place a person is from can give me a lot of understanding about them.
I didn't see that discussion you mentioned. I hope the poor girl got some good advice.
@LadyMarissa (12148)
• United States
21 Oct 10
I don't remember how I found that particular discussion...must have been by accident. I tried finding it again so I could provide a link. I tried various keywords, but still didn't find it. I'm unsure how good the advice she received was. Most of it would have worked in the US where there is a support system for child abuse.
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
17 Oct 10
I always check if the topic is something that would involve different advice in different countries, especially if the topic was as delicate as the one you're talking about. I would have several suggestions if the woman was living in this country but wouldn't have a clue what to tell her where she does live since I don't know the laws in that country. Giving her useless information would be just as bad as not giving her any advice and would be a complete waste of time, hers and mine.
Sometimes, a discussion will be started where the age of the person would have an impact on the type of response or advice given, even if they were in this country. I like to know a bit about the person before responding, most times, so I almost always peek at their profile if I've never seen them before.
1 person likes this
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
17 Oct 10
Hello Lady Marissa,
Sorry i haven't been hanging out with you're discussions as i was stupid enough to make tons of topics now busy commenting on all of their responses
Personally i need to see this discussion so that i can view my response to them. wait a minute? a wrong life? as far as i am concern that user is living in the dark ages, whereas women was considered a property and not a person or another human being
well, we can't help it getting angry about it. some are not used to the "MODERN WORLD" times. 
Personally i need to see this discussion so that i can view my response to them. wait a minute? a wrong life? as far as i am concern that user is living in the dark ages, whereas women was considered a property and not a person or another human beingwell, we can't help it getting angry about it. some are not used to the "MODERN WORLD" times. @LadyMarissa (12148)
• United States
17 Oct 10
I don't think you responded to that discussion as it came out while you were busy replying to your numerous discussions. There are many countries in the Middle East that haven't made it into the "MODERN WORLD"!!! They still live within a male dominated world. The female children aren't allowed to go to school. the wives are beaten if another man even looks at them adoringly, they are not allowed to reveal any skin...not even their arms, they aren't allowed to drive, & if the husband decides he doesn't want them to leave the house without him, they are basically held hostage in their own home. Voicing your outrage about such is one thing. However, telling a woman to defy her culture is something completely different. So, our advice can sometimes bring harm to others if we don't take our advice seriously!!!
@chinkai28 (114)
• Philippines
16 Oct 10
I am new in mylot but I make sure that whenever I post an answer to any thread may it be of my interest or not, I understand the topic and I do not answer just for the sake of earning. And I of course would answer how i feel about the topic and if it's asking for help of course I would answer if i think my answer would do any help. Otherwise, I prefer not comment.
I just remember what my father said one time when we were having a lil funny conversation he said: Less talk less mistake, more talk more mistake, NO TALK NO MISTAKE... ;) it makes sense though.
happy mylotting and good day to all.
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12148)
• United States
17 Oct 10
WELCOME TO MYLOT!!! 
Your Father was right!!! Mine always said...Better to be thought a fool than open your mouth & prove them right!!! I feel that out of respect for those who post discussions, it is our responsibility to do our job thoroughly...including reading ALL the discussion, checking age & country of origin & giving a respectful & knowledgeable response!!! 
Your Father was right!!! Mine always said...Better to be thought a fool than open your mouth & prove them right!!! I feel that out of respect for those who post discussions, it is our responsibility to do our job thoroughly...including reading ALL the discussion, checking age & country of origin & giving a respectful & knowledgeable response!!! @Yada25 (44)
•
17 Oct 10
Hi,
I am a new mylot, I came across this site only 2 days.
First time I thought that people will post everlastings just to get money but I found that most of mylot people are quite pay attention before responses. There are a lot of really good discussions.
However, I believe that there must be some people who don't pay attenttion to the discussion topics.
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12148)
• United States
17 Oct 10
WELCOME TO MYLOT TO YOU TOO!!!
You are correct that most people here take their job serious & post really good discussion & responses. There will always be some who are only here for the money & post crap. I hope you will be one of those who are serious about your work here!!!
You are correct that most people here take their job serious & post really good discussion & responses. There will always be some who are only here for the money & post crap. I hope you will be one of those who are serious about your work here!!! 
@LadyMarissa (12148)
• United States
28 Oct 10
WELCOME TO MYLOT!!!
Please tell me how you know what the discussion is about IF you don't read it first??? Sometimes the titles are a general idea of the topic, but the idea of the discussion is more specific in nature!!!
The Guidelines state...
DON'T Respond to a discussion until you've read all of the responses.
In my mind that means you should read ALL of the discussion before you decide to respond. In failing to do so, I feel you are cheating yourself & the OP!!!! 
Please tell me how you know what the discussion is about IF you don't read it first??? Sometimes the titles are a general idea of the topic, but the idea of the discussion is more specific in nature!!!
The Guidelines state...
DON'T Respond to a discussion until you've read all of the responses.
In my mind that means you should read ALL of the discussion before you decide to respond. In failing to do so, I feel you are cheating yourself & the OP!!!! 