Staying together for the... friends?
By jesssp
@jesssp (2712)
Canada
November 1, 2010 5:47pm CST
This is something I've seen happen more than once, among friends and with casual acquaintances. Sometimes a couple seems to stay in a failing relationship because they get so comfortable with the social aspect. They are ready to break it off, aren't really into their partner anymore, but they hold off because they don't want to lose the friends!
Have you even been in that situation, holding off on breaking up because you love hanging out with your partner's friends? Or, have you been on the other side and had a partner that wanted to stay together just because they liked your friends? Have you ever been friends with a couple who were in that situation?
A few summers ago a friend of ours was in this very situation, and it definitely made things a little awkward for everyone else. Our friend's partner seemed to LOVE hanging out with us - even more than they loved being with our friend! Once the relationship had run it's course and our friend tried to break up with them they seemed to desperately hang on. They even finagled a reunion with them after a short break up. And then, after the relationship was finally over, the other person managed to find another friend of ours to date! It was quite obvious that they really just liked the social dynamic and were doing what they could to stay 'in the group', so to speak. Needless to say, it was a very strange summer!
Has anything like that ever happened to you? What did you end up having to do about it? Was is annoying or entertaining?
2 people like this
9 responses
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
3 Nov 10
hi jesssp I have never been in that situation but I have two friends who dislike each other but both like me and I like them but each one acts snippy with me if I am at all friendly with the other person. Now this would be different if we were all three little kids b
ut I am 84 all most on NOv 15 and one is 76 and one 60 so we are all older people so you would think we could all three get along, no way. so I end up letting the one at my table dictate my friendship and some how i really dislike that, as I should be free to be friends with more than one person. help. I am a bit shy and friends are not that easy to come by. I wish they could like each other like they seem to like me. what is with people? grrrrr.
ut I am 84 all most on NOv 15 and one is 76 and one 60 so we are all older people so you would think we could all three get along, no way. so I end up letting the one at my table dictate my friendship and some how i really dislike that, as I should be free to be friends with more than one person. help. I am a bit shy and friends are not that easy to come by. I wish they could like each other like they seem to like me. what is with people? grrrrr.
@much2say (55912)
• Los Angeles, California
2 Nov 10
I haven't gone through this personally, but a friend of mine did. She admitted (at the end) hanging on to her boyfriend because she totally loved his family! Apparently she got along really well with his sisters (she never had any siblings). I think she liked his parents as well - they had family gatherings all the time. I just never saw the connection between her and her boyfriend . . . he was nice and mellow, but they seemed bored of each other. They were the type to read the paper or a book when they went out to eat!!! Anyway, one night she calls me up and says it's over . . . he broke it off because he "found someone else" . . . the thing is she wasn't acting sad over it. After I told her I was surprised how well she was taking this, she then said she wasn't really in love with "him", but in love with his family situation - which I thought was so weird at the time.
@jesssp (2712)
• Canada
4 Nov 10
I know a couple in a very similar situation. One half of said couple actually said to us that it was one of the chief reasons they were still together. It's kind of awkward to hear something like that, especially because of how close we are to both sides of the couple - and the family! I can see missing the family and all but it's really not a good enough reason to stay with someone, IMO.
@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
2 Nov 10
I have never done that but in the last few months before my husband left us every get together was uncomfortable--he'd told everyone but me that he'd found someone else and was leaving! No wonder things were strained between my "friends" and me! Afterward, they all threw me away except one couple who my ex and I are both still friends with.
I don't think friends could influence me staying in a relationship that wasn't satisfying. Even the dear couple that stayed friends with me would not influence me in that way--nor would they be happy if they knew they could, they'd want to figuratively smack some sense into me! 
@jesssp (2712)
• Canada
4 Nov 10
It could never influence me either. I could see being sad about it, especially if I knew that we wouldn't stay friends after the break up, but it could never be enough to make me stay with someone. If a friendship is meant to be then it will survive after a split, and if it isn't then it won't.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
2 Nov 10
I've never really had a circle of friends, so that wouldn't really happen to me. I have some friends.. who don't know each other, so I hang out with them 1 on 1.. so rarely any drama there. I've never dated a guy who had friends I liked or wanted to be around.. I was always more the type to try to get him to see his friends less because they were a bad influence on him (or I was hoping he'd break out of his childish behaviors).
However, hubby used to have a circle of guy friends, and these friends seemed to recycle their girlfriends. I don't think there was a girlfriend in the group that hadn't dated more than one of the guys. I hadn't really thought about it before, but it could be that the girls liked that social circle... or it could just be that they didn't have lives outside of the boyfriend, so she didn't know other guys to date when the relationship dissolved. The guys never really seemed to care.. but when do guys ever care about stuff like that?
@jesssp (2712)
• Canada
19 Nov 10
I remember noticing that in high school - the recycled girlfriend/boyfriend. I guess in high school it isn't as weird because, honestly, how serious are most high school relationships? Plus the dating pool in pretty shallow. But when it happens with grown ups it's just kind of strange. It would just feel weird sitting at a table with a group of friends and thinking about who's been with who!
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Nov 10
This would be something that I could never see myself doing if the relationship between my husband and I was to fail. The reason is that we aren't really that social when it comes down to it and I think that even if we weren't together, we would be able to maintain the relationships that we have with our friends without being one single unit. That said, I can't think of anyone I know that has ever stayed together for the social aspect of life.
@sender621 (14893)
• United States
2 Nov 10
Couples should stay together in a relationship because it is what they want for each other. They should not stay together for the sake of friendships. There on't be happiness for anyone that way.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
2 Nov 10
it was annoying. when my hubby was alive we had a gal like that. she just hung on with whoever would keep her in the loop. then when he passed away, i lost contact with some because i guess they felt uncomfortable around me without him as a partner. but i really should give the one gal credit. shes still my friend in spite of everything. 
i dont know maybe she just dont like to loose any friend no matter what. 
@doodoolian (9)
• China
2 Nov 10
Your words just recalled my memory 2 years ago.
I studied in a class for japanese. There i met a lot of friends among them are 6
young boys. And 4 of them want to go date with me. But ironically, i don't really
like anyone of them, the one i like was one of the left 2 boys. So i tried to keep
ambiguous relationship to each of the 4 boys inorder to get his attention. That was too bad, but i just couldn't control myself. Because his friends like me, he treat me so kind just like a brother,you may hard to imagine how kind he was to me
,even when i stand up he would ask me to watch out. At last, he went to Japan, and i stayyed, i cried that night, i could not tell him my feelings on him because of the stupid relationships i kept withhis friends. I was punished at last....
If there was another chance, i won't be so vainglorious, i would refuse those boys i don't like without concering so much.
You see, such kind of person will at last be punished...by themselves.....
