Passive/agressive people in your life?
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
Canada
November 9, 2010 10:34pm CST
I had a difficult discussion with one of my staff today. She constantly complains about other team members and how they "make her feel." The problem is that she takes everything literally, she reads too far into what people say and she takes things personally when they don't even concern her. She will frequently IM me about other members of our staff and ask "What did he/she mean by that!" She gets upset and creates problems where there are none.
Today, she was inappropriate and disrespectful to me. I told her these constant complaints have got to stop because they are completely unfounded. Problem is, when I respond to her, she immediately tells me "I didn't mean it like that" or she is "sorry she bothered me." She is completely passive/aggressive. She wants to be bold and criticize and vent her feelings but the moment I try to deal with her, she tries to run away and say that no one understands her. Her behavior is incredibly childish and, at this point, she is going to vent herself right out of a job. Do you have anyone like this that you have to deal with on a regular basis? Does it completely wear you out, like this is doing to me? How do you handle people with a passive/aggressive nature?
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8 responses
@camomile07 (1420)
• Germany
10 Nov 10
In those cases it's better to keep quite, passive and peacefull.
In Spanish exists a saying which tells: 'no poner más leña al fuego' what means translated: don't put more wood into the fire. What it really wants to say is not to give anybody any reason to keep on with what he/she is doing.
This lady you have been talking about still has to grow up and mature or, otherwise, she may have any personal problems. Maybe she only would like to be accepted by a group of persons and sometimes get a praise for her work she is doing.
If nobody reacts to her behaviour and doesn't respond, she will have to recognize that she is doing wrong. But if there's still someone listening to her, she won't change.
So in my case, I would ignore her, stay passive and keep on with my own work. The time and the experience will show her. And if she doesn't want to learn, she may lose her job with the time.
I never dealed with people like this, because I try to avoid them.
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
11 Nov 10
The reason that I listen to her... at least at first... is because it's my job to be there to support my staff. So if she has a valid concern, I need to deal with that. Unfortunately, most of the time, the issues she brings forward are not "real"... they are how she has determined them to be in her own head. This is what makes it so difficult to deal with her. I do agree with you strongly that, if she doesn't learn to change this behavior, she will find herself without a job. I've been trying not to let it get to that point - but her recent insubordination to me was noticed by my supervisor, who is the highest ranking manager. If she decides my "troublemaker" staff member is going to be fired, there is nothing I can do to stop it.
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
11 Nov 10
Like you, I don't want to see anyone lose a job... and I'm trying to hold on to her. But she is her own worst enemy. You are correct that she doesn't want to realize her ways... I have copied and pasted her own words back to her and I've asked her to read them with fresh eyes and see what she is actually saying. She still doesn't see it. She says "That's not what I meant... you don't understand me." When you manage people online, literally all you have is what they write. I suspect this is her first exposure to online work and maybe isn't grasping that. I have talked about it with my own manager and she wants to fire the woman... but she agreed to wait just a bit longer to see if I can get a proper resolution. You are right, though, at some point I am going to have to just let it run to its natural conclusion. I'm sorry for that but I believe it's what will happen :\
@camomile07 (1420)
• Germany
11 Nov 10
Of course, it's a difficult situation for you and it's also pity for a person to loose his/her job. Nowadays, I don't wish to anybody to have troubles or to loose a job which is quite difficult to find and to hold.
But, in this case and if you already tried to have a talk with her and she doesn't want to realize her mistake, what else could you do? Maybe you should leave the situation run until her fatal end and also have a talk to your superior "BEFORE" something worse happens, so he will be already adviced and knows what to do.
'Troublemakers' are not good for 'teamwork' and if she goes on with it, the troubles can overcome to other workers who could make problems in you company. Sometimes it's easier to remove one person than to stop an avalanche and to cure the result of such a situation.
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@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
11 Nov 10
I agree with everything you are saying here, JenInTN... and it's very good advice for handling a difficult situation. I've documented every situation so far, including when she tried to go over my head to my manager (she didn't like that I wouldn't agree with her) and got sent straight back to me. I have tried "being nice" and that didn't help so the other day, when she started again, I told her directly, "This has GOT to STOP...." As soon as I started to explain why, she got very defensive, started saying she was sorry she "bothered me" and that she "felt like crap now". This is typical... she wants to vent her side and demand the only resolution she feels is correct... but she won't listen unless I am parroting her own words back at her. My file is definitely growing on this one. Thank you so much for your concrete suggestions! :)
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
11 Nov 10
I am her manager... I oversee a team that ranges from 15-20 people at this point in time. She is one of those people.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
11 Nov 10
Oh...ok...When I am faced with this situation, I have one on my team too, I usully just call it out straight up. Not in a mean or rude manner but I will say something like " we're a team and we can't nick pick each other or I'll ask "do you really feel like that is important?" I might even take them to the side and say " What you say to me is very important but I need you to be more of a team player and try to help people versus finding their faults. Let her know that you are there for her but not nonsense. I would also document the conversation so that you have that in your file if you ever needed it.
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@sid556 (30959)
• United States
11 Nov 10
I dated a man like this. He admitted that he was passive/agressive and was trying not to be. I really didn't know much about this behavior but I soon found out. he was actually passive/aggressive with a touch of paranoia. He was constantly imagining that I was cheating on him...I wasn't and there was no reason for it. He was always thinking someone was out to do him wrong, rip him off or didn't like him for some reason or other with no basis for his thinking. When I called him out on it and he thought I was going to break it off, he'd cry and promise to change and make up excuses for his behavior like being stressed about finances or insecure about his weight. Sometimes he'd even create a health worry even though he hadn't been to a doctor....anything to turn himself quickly into the poor victim. How I handled it was to break it off with him. These people don't change without help. I would give your employee a warning and suggest that she get some help. If she continues, I would seriously consider letting her go. Surely these issues must be affecting the quality of her work and the morale of her co-workers?? What type of work does she do?
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
12 Nov 10
I can't imagine how difficult that relationship must have been for you, sid556. Well, actually, I guess I can, in some ways. I've been in a long-term relationship with a narcissist and there are some of the same issues involved. I was never accused of cheating but narcissists are entirely self-focused, of course... so I can certainly understand the "poor victim" attitude you mention. He was always wanting the easy way to everything and that usually meant dumping everything on me - with no qualms whatsoever if it involved money, stress or what have you.
In terms of this staff member problem, I've given her a warning, yes. I've tried to explain what the issues are but she doesn't see ANY problem. She says we don't understand her (me or my superior... and there is no one above us for her to go to now). I'm with you on letting her go. I am starting to think it's the only possible outcome. She's made things difficult with a couple of others on the team - and then was angry when one of those people refused to have a one on one conversation with her about their "issues." The other person had done nothing wrong so they had zero interest in listening to her rant. I can't say I blame them and there was no reason they would/should have to sit through her paranoia. As to her work, she greets and assists members in our virtual community - so she has also been inappropriately harsh with some of them and has had several experiences of not understanding what they are telling her. I've received conversation logs prefaced with "What did he mean by THAT!?" when there was no problem at all. Frustrating, beyond belief.
@ersmommy1 (12588)
• United States
19 Nov 10
It really sounds like you have done all that you can. You may need to remind her of your position and the inappropriateness of rudeness towards you. I was an assistant supervisor in a call center. A lot of this sort of thing ended up in my lap as well. After the first few times something like this took place, ( and I know this sounds bad) I learned to creatively ignore them. It does tend to wear on a person mentally and physically otherwise.
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@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
19 Nov 10
You're completely right... you do your best to be helpful and responsive to an employee's concerns but, when you realize that no matter how much you do, it's not going to be enough, you start to believe in futility. She has gone quiet since our latest confrontation, as is her habit. However, I was a great deal harder with her than I've ever been before and I think it shocked her some. As I said, she likes to be able to vent her opinions but she doesn't want to hear anything back. Now that we're going down this road, it's one I will have to stick to... I can't back-pedal and lose control of the dynamic or I might as well just let her go.
@archon309 (404)
• Philippines
10 Nov 10
I think the problem here is how to make realize that the problem could be how she deals with her co-employees and not the other way around. And making her realize with out making her feel bad about herself. I'm not a psychologist but the way I understand this, she has an inner problem that bothers her and something always triggers that problem and she gets upset by that.
If you have an HR personnel, then I would suggest to talk to the HR (discreetly) about this matter.
If not, you really need to talk to her one on one, but at first it is important that you let her do most of the talking and as much as possible don't react or give any suggestions. Maybe take down some notes so you can analyze her story later.
If you really need to give suggestions, do it in a manner of leading questions.
That's all I can think of right now. I'm not sure with your religious/ spiritual beliefs, but discreetly saying a little prayer for her will help, specially before you talk to her. :)
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
11 Nov 10
I actually do believe that she has some emotional problems. She is a generally decent worker and I have praised her many times for being punctual, never missing shifts, all of that. I have looked for the positives. She has criticized many of her coworkers because she believes their behaviors and comments are always directed at her... even when situations don't involve her at all. She took a conversation that I had with another of my staff and told me she didn't like how we made her feel. She was not involved and we weren't discussing anything related to her. She just happened to be an observer to the conversation. So I do agree that there are some problems happening. I am trying so hard to be patient but there is only one person that is higher management than me and that person is pretty much ready to just fire her and get her off the team. I've worked hard to try to help her keep her job but I don't know how much longer I can help her because she won't help herself.
@archon309 (404)
• Philippines
11 Nov 10
it seems that she has paranoia. I thinks she needs some counseling. Or at least she needs to talk to someone that she can really pour out her emotions. There could be a bigger problem involved.
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@cuckoosnest (250)
• Philippines
11 Nov 10
Well, some people claim this attitude as being pragmatic. Not taking everything at face value they say. It's really annoying at times because you can tell they are really looking for something that's not there. And when you confront them they deny it.
I think it's really insecurity. I tried the confront-after-each-incident approach but I'd end up so riled up so I ended up avoiding conversations with people like this. They're just good vibes vampires. It's draining and it's not healthy.
So every time a person manages to complain and complain, I let them have space to think of a solution. IF they can't then I act. If they still complain, I don't regard it as important anymore because I know there'd be no end to it. At least I was productive.
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@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
15 Nov 10
"good vibes vampires"... what a great term! :) I have to remember that one... and that certainly describes her. Her behavior is absolutely draining. She's gone quiet again, of course, since our latest "discussion." Basically, she retreats and pouts for awhile before she comes out swinging against someone else. She asked a question the other day and it was simply a veiled complaint against a co-worker. She asked about a policy to which she already knew the answer... because she wanted me to know that the other person had violated that policy and she likes to make sure people "get in trouble" as often as possible. In actual fact, it was a minor mistake on the part of her co-worker which I was very quickly able to clarify and resolve... *sighhhhhh*
@savypat (20216)
• United States
10 Nov 10
I know that each person developes their own way of handling the world's ups and downs but a passive/aggressive drives me up the wall. Is there any possibility that you can help her get involved it stress release exercise. Is there a gymn nearby? Does your company have sports teams? Some have bowling or baseball teams.
This is the extent of my suggestions. Sorry I can't be more help.
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
11 Nov 10
These are great suggestions, savypat. This is a virtual business so my entire staff works online and she is one of many. She's the only one that consistently gives me this grief. I have been trying to encourage her to take some positive strides towards recognizing her behavior but she is completely and utterly resistant. According to her, no one understands her or "gets" what she is trying to say in her complaints. Sometimes I think she really doesn't know what her own issues are -- but I am definitely going to suggest that she might like to spend a little less time online and a little more time on physical activities... I think you are right that stress relief is key for her. Thanks so much for your response!
@fanzejian (372)
• China
10 Nov 10
take it easy ,my friend .I always meet those people in the office .one method is that whenever she tell you something ,just keep silent and just give her response "Ern" or give a smile .never talk about the things that she talked with you .when it is long time ,she will find another people.
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
10 Nov 10
Well, the problem is that I am her supervisor... so she has to come to me with her work-related problems. There is no one else for her to discuss them with... and I am never sure when her concerns are going to be legitimate and when they are going to be her just exaggerating again. I know that I handle her professionally - but it's absolutely frustrating. Thank you for your suggestions, fanzejian! Most appreciated :)
