To take the first step, is difficult

Firstly I would say stop being so hard on yourself as you can be your only survivor. You must try really hard to think positively about yourself before you can expect others to reciprocate. Take sometime to delineate what has and what not worked well in you life. Although there may be certain attempt failures just think about how perhaps you could have done things differently. If there was nothing you could have done differently then tell yourself that you are doing the best you can and life just has not been fair for you. This way you can concentrate on not dwelling on the past. Good luck to you and I surely hope that you can gain some positivity in your life.