How do "kids being kids" learn to be adults?
@maximumgravity1 (245)
United States
November 16, 2010 11:47am CST
Let me start by saying I am kind of the antithesis of the "modern parent". I don't strive to be my kids "best friend", and I am a firm believer in routine and discipline.
Having said that, nothing irks me more then going into a restaurant or store and hearing some kid screaming from the moment he enters the store until I leave. My wife and I often ask ourselves what is wrong with the parent for letting their child do that? We are usually given the answer that the child is "just being a kid".
Likewise, I often see family and friends that let their kids stay up until all hours of the night watching TV in their room. They may have a "bedroom time", but no set time to go to sleep. Again, when questioned the answer is usually something to the effect of "letting the kid have fun", or "do the things I could never do as a kid".
I even recently heard on television from a teen that she thought it was wrong to have to do some things for herself, since she was a kid and supposed to be taken care of.
So I am always scratching my head and asking, when does a child learn to be an adult if no one ever teaches them? At what day in their lives do the "responsible adult" faeries magically imbue them with these skills? Why is it we assume this is the only skill that doesn't need to be practiced to become good at? Why have so many people that grew up in my generation seem to have forgotten the life building skills they learned as being a child?
Is it just me, or do others feel the same way? Someone help me understand this! Please!
1 person likes this
3 responses
@luvandpower (2048)
• United States
16 Nov 10
I know what you mean fully. Even now in my twenties my dad tries control my actions( if he can really can or not.) I am an advocate that there needs to be a boundary line between what discipline and freedom goes as well though. For example, a child who goes and steals a toy. Age has to do with a lot as well I believe. if it was for example, a four year who stole the toy then you would want to use that moment to explain that stealing is wrong. If it is a child who knows that stealing is wrong like an eight year old then yes, they should have some fashion of a punishment type action happen.
My big thing was with my dad was that there is a consequence for every action. If I was to speak ill of my mother my mouth got washed with soap. Make the punishment harsh enough the first time they won't dare do it again or will they? Punishing needs to be followed by instruction is what I believe.
@maximumgravity1 (245)
• United States
16 Nov 10
I agree with what you have said about instruction and punishment. Although I don't always see punishment as necessary, I believe the child must be made aware of what he has done wrong.
My two kids are prefect examples. My son will never get it. He can recite word for why what he has done is wrong, but he never feels it in his heart and will continue to make the same mistake every time given the chance. My daughter on the other hand catches on much quicker, and actually feels things "too much" at times, and so discipline must be presented in a way as to not belittle her or make her feel bad about herself. Must separate her from her actions. In the end, understanding is the key to changing behavior.
@luvandpower (2048)
• United States
17 Nov 10
That's true as well. My older brother as a child put a fork in the electrical outlet twice before he realized he shouldn't do that. Experience is the key I suppose.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
17 Nov 10
Yes, we need to hold them accountable for their actions and choices and let them face the consequences. Also we should not make excuses for their behaviors. I remember a few years ago my daughter acted up in a class with another girl and tried to convince me that the other girl had the idea and so it was her fault. That didn't fly at all. A couple of years ago, she borrowed 60.00 from her friend while at the mall. She didn't have the means to pay it back and when her friend started bugging her for the money, she was hoping I would pay it. NO! I did advise her to talk to her friend and apologize for not being able to pay it back as she'd promised. Then she had to take all her allowances and pay this friend back. She also earned some money in babysitting and paid it to her friend until it was paid off. She didn't have any extra spending money for a while which wasn't fun but she learned a valuable lesson about borrowing as well as facing up to things when you screw up.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
17 Nov 10
Hi Maximumgravity,
I'm with you on this one. I see so many parents that seem to think that a kid is a kid until they turn 18. They are but along the way, it is our job as parents to teach them values, responsibility, morals, ethics etc. The learning should start from the time they are able to comprehend. They can be kids while learning to be responsible adults. A kid that doesn't know how to act and treat others will quickly turn into an adult that doesn't know how to act and treat others. It's sad really. We have as humans more time than any other animal to prepare our children to survive in the world and yet even after 18 years so many of them are clueless.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
17 Nov 10
I actually have not seen that movie. Maybe I will check it out. I have seen the results of some of these kids though and they just seriously do not know how to survive on their own. Luckily, I see more young people that are responsible and hard working than I do the kind that you are describing here.
@maximumgravity1 (245)
• United States
17 Nov 10
"A kid that doesn't know how to act and treat others will quickly turn into a an adult that doesn't know how to act and treat others."
I hear you. That is the part that scares me the most....what sort of generation will be up and coming? Can you imagine an entire nation built mostly from people that act like spoiled 4 year olds? How will that pan out for the future of America? Keeping in mind, this will be the generation setting laws for us as seniors, and being responsible for our welfare as we age! What will their kids be like, and the generations that follow them. I am not sure if you have ever seen the movie "Idiocracy" but boy, it sure feels like we are sliding down that slope and into making that movie a reality.
1 person likes this
@maximumgravity1 (245)
• United States
18 Nov 10
I would recommended anyone (and everyone) see it, but be forewarned, it is a bit risqu, and honestly painful to sit through and watch. BUt in the end, the message is unparalleled in any movie. Be fore-warned, it is a "bad movie" but has an incredibly scary prophetic message.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
16 Nov 10
I do understand what you are saying, but I also believe that it is possible for a child to learn to be an adult when their parents are their friends as well as being their disciplinarians. The reason that I feel this way is because my mother has always been one of my best friends. With my own children I am trying to parent in the same way that my parents did. As of right now my children are quite responsible almost eight and four year olds.
@maximumgravity1 (245)
• United States
16 Nov 10
I respect what you are saying, I just don't get it. Don't misunderstand, I believe a parent and child can and should love each other very much. What I don't get is how your best friend can act as your disciplinarian? Usually, the one administering the discipline is in the role of authority, or experience, and the one receiving the discipline in the role of a subordinate. With best friends, both are considered equal. How does one separate that line and say "we are equals, until you misbehave, then I am in charge and you will do as I say?"
To parlay to adulthood, if your best friend gives you advice, you have the decision to accept or refuse that advice. At no point does your best friend make you do anything. I don't mean any disrespect by this, but most 4 and 8 year olds don't have the maturity and life experience to weigh the decisions presented to them, and make the best decision for all involved. Heck, most adults into their mid-40's and 50's don't have that maturity. What do you do when your best-friend refuses your advice and insists on doing it their way, even if it involves immediate dangerous or adverse behavior?
1 person likes this
