Marriage in India

I think dowry is more common among South Indian. For people in the north east we don't do such things. It was never part of the culture. Children are expected to be given something to start of their family in the olden days, say field, rice, etc but nobody is burnt or beaten for not bringing enough of those things. And moreover because marriages are mostly love marriage such dowry thing does not come into the picture. However, among the Manipuri ( excluding Nagas and Kukis of Manipur because they don't use the term for themselves) there is dowry system.

vandana, I am sorry but I kinda lost you when you mention that your country's marriage customs are IMPORTED from the European regions. Really? No offense, as I am actually seeking for a clarification of what I have learned from history and understandings from the Indian community.

Hi Skysuccess - even my memory is failing me now, but long ago - I read that one of the British princes married a Spanish or was it French or Portuguese princess, and at the time Mumbai (Bombay) was under their control. So it was given as a gift (dower). Not our custom for sure. Because as per original Hindu customs, a chaste girl who is married should not take monies from anybody other than her husband. Now, that means - the moment she gets married - her father and brother and others are outsiders for her. So she cant take monies from them. The practical angle is something different. It is about share in property. In-laws are afraid that the girl's parents would be under influence of their son and his family, and will develop more affections for that child - eventually denying the girl of her rightful share. So they ask the girl to bring her share along. Many ask for more than her share as well creating a rift between the girl and her siblings.

I agree with you that each culture has its own ways, equally respectable.

Hello Vandana, Sorry I didn't get your point.

Tutul - western influence? Dowry was not our culture at all!!! We imported it.. Sita's father didn't send Rama, Lakshmana, and their teacher to Ayodhya on a Chariot after their marriage. These people walked. And he was a king. He could have given a fortune and sent them with full armed protection. And she didn't go running to her parent during adversity. It is the duty of the pativrata to maintain herself. She cant even take help from her own parent in such case. So Sita worked in that Ashram, mopping floor, cooking, fetching water.... Not just sitting on one side, and expecting the aged parents to fend for her.

Yeah to a great extent that is true- 80 percent of Indian children would remain unmarried because nobody really dares to move forward - for all that the movies show. Actually society too does not support the system. If there are differences people increase them instead of trying to help them solve it. This is because they have their monetary considerations to think of. Funny thing is the custom is reverse in Muslim communities - they pay Mehr to get the bride. But... out here - even muslim communities take bribe. So much for following Koran and other scriptures.

Oh... I never knew that Muslims also take dowry here in India. (I guess you meant to say dowry, not bribes). Do you have idea about Sikhs? In the North East situation is different, generally speaking.

Yeah, I stand corrected. I meant dowries. Yes. They take dowries out here in South, which is completely against their scriptures. But for rest of the content in the holy book, they unite. Funny. I am not aware about Sikhs. But I did hear that Punjabis pay hefty sums.

I have given a detailed explanation in 1st page under Tutul's post, and part of it under my post. :) Sorry - it seems too much of typing. :) In brief, wikipedia is silent on existence of dowry system in ancient India. In 1661 Portuguese king gave Mumbai to King Charles II of England as dower for his daugher Catherine of Braganza. At least that is what Wikipedia says under Dowry, and that is what I remember from my 7th grade history texts. So as far as I know, the custom was not ours.

hi vandana Everyone in my family, incl myself and almost everyone in my wife's family; and now even my brother who is settled in US have had arranged marriages. I would nt say that their marriages were heaven, neither were they hell. There have been no instances of divorces - thats what that counts. Imagine falling in love deeply, marrying; and your marriage rocks for abt 5 years, by then differences start creeping, divorce is inevitable...but who suffers? the children off course.

Amirev sweetie - whether it is love marriage, or arranged marriage - the marriages will go through ups and downs. Those are inevitable in any relationship, even with your parents, your siblings, your best friends, and your children. But in love marriages you would know the 100 percent levels - something that I would say is god made and not man made. Thanks for admitting though that their marriages were not exactly made in heaven. It is time people realized that arranged marriages are not exactly perfect always. You all are plain lucky if they were not hell. So - those who go through love marriages and break after a few years are plain unlucky as well, can't we say that? :) The problem is expectations of the boy and girl from India in love marriages are ridiculously high partly because of movies, and television serials. And society does everything in its powers wittingly or unwittingly to retain the old ways like talking about the people as if they were an epoch making couple. And if they have differences saying it had to happen after all it was not an arranged marriage. Secret delights. And attempt to keep the monetary angle alive may be. Nobody will come forward to help such people, and those who do get bad treatment as well. So no - arranged marriages can be bad - especially if the person who is looking for some matches for his daughter or son has too much money, or has in the past rejected any of the family members of the person who could come up with good alliance, or has other reasons for which people would envy him or her. :)

Amirev - it is a business partnership that makes it successful. Love, you have to take chances. It is about taking chances to be 100 percent successful in life, or being satisfied with 60 percent. Generally, people who are 60 percent become the example out here for others, and you are not aware that there are almost 30 percent who are struggling in bad "arranged marriages" unable to come out because of monetary problems. So calling arranged marriages successful is not always right. I know of a case in which the boy searched for a beautiful girl, they searched many matches, eventually they found one. Everything went well, the girl was truly very beautiful. After marriage, before nuptials the girl is left with her parents for the last time. From that day the girl didn't come to husband. Instead her parents are demanding monies otherwise the girl wont sign divorce papers. Now the boy has little choice but to shell down as otherwise he cannot find a match. His chances of finding a good match are out! So that was also an arranged marriage - and such things have become a racket. Risky, isn't it? And I had a colleague. My aunt arranged her marriage - to a drunkard. :) Her parents did not bother to find out!!! Not always true kiddo.

Hi Sanjay - you have a point there. Parents have their friend and family circle to think of. But if my daughter wanted to marry a guy whom she liked, and trusted, I would defy the world for her happiness, and friends and family, social circle, blah blah are a small sacrifice in this context. Don't you think.

Whyasq - if a child can appear for an interview without the parent sitting in the hall with him, why can't he select his or her spouse? I think this parent thingy is an excuse to get dowries, because parents negotiate the deal. Sadly the girls are also a party to the thing, willing to let their parents get into insurmountable debts for personal monetary gain. That is why the system continues to thrive. :(

Daughters have a choice. They dont want to exercise it because it is not monetarily beneficial to them.