She is still waiting for me.... help please.
By shibham
@shibham (16977)
India
November 29, 2010 10:43pm CST
Hi everyone...
I had a girl friend with whom my relationship didn't run longer. Her elder sister is my friend and both of we represent same college as professor. So, when i went to her home, i met her sister... Later on we both fell in love. When our families knew it after 3 or 4 months... both families refused our relationship due to astrological and regional reasons ( i don't believe at all ) But we never wished to take a step against our families and took a safe distance so that we never get hurt.
Okay, it happened more than one years ago. In this period i never phoned her although i talked with her families and elder sister. Even i never went to her home. But yesterday i went to her home to invite them for my sister's marriage ceremony. There i found that she is still unmarried and has taken the decision not to get married with other guy except me. Her mother told me all these which made me surprised. She has already refused more than ten established grooms. I have forgotten her in this period and searched my bride ( it is on process). So i am confused what to do now? It's too hard to marry her now as i am on an another relationship. Again, she will be unmarried.... It's disturbing my mind. So need your help to solve this problem. Are there any fault of mine?
5 people like this
29 responses
@vandana7 (100616)
• India
30 Nov 10
Shiby - even if you marry her, she wont be happy. It is her nature - what we call stubbornness - she wants to get the toy she wants. Once she gets it, the toy loses its charm. You said you both agreed to part ways amicably and not hurt parents. Look at it like this...why did she agree at that point of time? She could have mentioned this to you at that point of time? What did she think of life as? Some movie story or something? Love doesn't come that way sweetie. She would have tried to contact you if it was that uncontrollable at her end. Forget her and get on with your life. She will come to her senses in due course of time. Just be sure to let your wifey know so that this girl doesn't get a chance to play mischief.
2 people like this
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
30 Nov 10
There are two ways but you can walk any one -
1. As you say, you have forgotten her and you are on an another relationship - so the easiest at the moment might be to continue with the current one and let go of the past and the earlier girl. - Easy for the time being as you are already in a new relationship
2. The other is if you sit back think and ask yourself a few questions -
a. Have I really moved ahead and have no need of her(the earlier girl)?
b. Am I to marry/be with someone whom I love rather than someone who loves me?
c. Will I be able to bear the burden of the thought that somewhere on this planet there is someone who doesnt marry just because I was unable to marry her?
Now, the answers would be confusing so let me tell you some facts that I have had experience with - The girl would get married once you are getting married - her statement is wrong because It Is Indian Society and here the girl will get married (willingly or unwillingly - doesnt matter) - because there is hope to marry you only upto the day she comes to know that you are married. That should rule out 2b above. Now for 2a and 2c you have to think
Then once you have your answers weigh them with your responsibilities towards your family and others and even society on one side and the love and personal matters on the other side. You would find it is the family, society and responsibilities that are more important and so logically you would end up selecting 1. (I took the 2nd option)
Good Luck
theSids.
2 people like this
@jaiho2009 (39141)
• Philippines
30 Nov 10
nice idea here
(guess you're one of those modern Indian who's willing to embrace changes
)
(guess you're one of those modern Indian who's willing to embrace changes)1 person likes this
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
1 Dec 10
It is not something that is out of the books but from real life experiences. It is more of what I have seen and experienced in life. Mine is a love marriage and I decided to be with the one whom I love and luckily she loves me more than I do. It was not against the wishes of my parents but that could have been a possibility if they opposed.
I know for certain that life is a great teacher and is filled with twists you never know where. Parents and our responsibility towards them, society and anyone else is fine but at end it is my own life and my life partners. So wouldnt it be nice if I gave it some thought and took a decision that I dont repent on later? 3 lives maybe involved here.
Cheers,
theSids.
2 people like this
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
30 Nov 10
I really think you’ve given more importance to the outdated social beliefs of your family than the love of this girl…but that is the way most Indian kids are brought up and Indian families expect this from their children. However, I feel you should have stuck on to this relation if you were really in love… families do come around after a few years and all is forgotten. But now all that is past yet this girl is waiting for you… there’s nothing really you can do about this…you have to swallow your conscience and carry on with your bride-hunting…after all, you cant hurt your family so what’s the point in thinking all these…
2 people like this
@shibham (16977)
• India
6 Dec 10
Hi sudipta...
No no no.... i have no believe on those traditional thoughts. Here i am obliged to do that and take the step. If you don't mind then please read my comments that i written on response no. 11. If i write it here then it will be repeat. Have a nice day and sorry for be lated comment.
@shaggin (72240)
• United States
1 Dec 10
Aww how sad for her that she is still so much in love with you that she cannot move on and find another suitor. This is not a fault of yours. If you both decided not to go against her families beliefs then there isnt anything you could have done. If she begged you to ignore her family and continue to have a relationship with you then it would be different. I hope she moves on soon if you arent interested in having a relationship with her again.
1 person likes this
@jaiho2009 (39141)
• Philippines
30 Nov 10
hello dear bhai,
What can i say then? shall i blame your tradition and culture for this or shall i blame you alone for not fighting your love,(that i don't know either)
Ok,don't get me wrong please,i just want to vent out what i am feeling inside.
I respect whatever tradition you have esp when it comes to marriage,but still i don't understand why people can marry someone they don't know or doesn't love at all in the first place.
Tradition,culture belief or faith whatever it is,but my gosh,it is your life,your entire life that concerns in here.
Living with someone who is a total stranger,never known for a month then lived forever (uh uh,hanged me but never forced me to lived,share bed with someone i never loved)
Well,i am just sharing my opinion dear bhai,never hate me for this ok, (blame no one)
Love is the greatest feeling that no one can define the real meaning of it unless you've felt in your heart.
Love is mysterious in many ways,love is dangerous,love is universal,love is everything.
So,why asks for other's opinion when it comes to love?
Follow your heart if you can,it is your life,it is your future.
You can choose to follow your tradition and live your entire regretting and blaming yourself for hurting someone,
or,you can lived happily with someone you love and let your community cursed you (who cares anyway,you are not marrying your community oppsss,please people do not cursed me)
It is your choice,do what you think is right,and blame no one whatever the result is.
Have a great day always dear bhai
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
30 Nov 10
jaiho1 What you say is totally valid for our western friends and I guess it will be the pattern in future in our country too. Right now, there is a transitionary phase and there are some boys who opt for this arranged marriage system even today. It becomes a difficult decision for these peeople. Actually, girls who go out and make their choices seem to be more successful at theirs .When they are steadfast in their approach they go after a person and get him and succeed too.Contrary to the popular opinion that girls would be emotional, their decisions are well thought out.
2 people like this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
30 Nov 10
Vandana! We know only Shibham and let us consider his happiness to be the priority. As you had rightly pointed out the first time, if there was really soemthing deep going , they would have withstood all the pressure initially. My guess is that they liked each other but there was not much time for it to develop further.Moreover there was also this conditional upbringing that would act as a deterrent in further pursuits.That is why it was quite easy for hem to split at that point of time. He should not now suddenly get confused.As someone had pointed out, the girl would definitely get married. It is not that they had fallen in love with each other and were together for a considerable while. WHy do you bring in a closed factor in the equation? He is young and due to his considerate sweet nature has brought this in; but this will mar his clarity of thought.HE is happy with the second girl and when this is about to come through why rake in a bygone issue?
2 people like this
@vandana7 (100616)
• India
30 Nov 10
Jaiho - I am agreeable to your concept about love. But I am not agreeable to the fact that it still exists in the heart of Shiby. If it did, he would not have accepted another match and not broken off. What is the point in hurting another innocent one, and being unhappy?
My equations go like this
Shiby (unhappy) + that girl (happy) + new girl (unhappy) = 2/3 unhappy... not good
Shiby (happy) + new girl (happy) + that girl (unhappy) = 2/3 happy = better.
I am not considering parents in these equations if you'd noticed.
2 people like this
@thanks1961 (7035)
• India
30 Nov 10
Hi,
I believe that it was not a combined decision to withdraw from the affair. Also, when you took the decision to withdraw, you may not even consult with her whether it is acceptable to her. As you are fully aware that they family has not support, you could have ask her stand. Again, there were chances that her sister were in contact with you and she could have make a mention about it. Also, once you decided to moved out, you could have ask about her with the sister, or the sister should have to tell you about her position.
If I were in your place, I must have tried to know how she was what she is doing about 100 times. Because it was not her or your fault that you taken a decision to separate. Also, she may not have as much freedom that you enjoys. If you really liked here and wish to be part of your life, you could have convince any manner and could have fight for the same to a certain extent.
Now you understood that how much she must have loved you and what mistake you have done to her. Also, once you were in a relation, and before going to too deep, you both could have the possibility of the relation to get into a married life. As in many places there are lots of restrictions in our country. So, as being a learned person, you should have to think it over prior to the affair.
I used to see many good looking girls and I got may good relations with so many same aged girls. But I never tired to get a relationship or affair with many, that I know that it cannot possible to make a proposal or if proposed, it will not end up with a marriage also. So, your self evaluation itself could have avoid this situation. Also, as you know your family and their views, it was easy for you to get into a conclusion that how your affair can end up.
Now an year and above she is waiting and you never contacted. Within this 1 year time, you also should have to make an attempt to know her whereabouts, which you didn’t do it. Means, you didn’t really loved her. If you did, I am sure that you may not get sleep and you were restless.
Now don’t look back because so long for the one year you didn’t bother of her. You made up with a new proposal and go ahead with it. Because everyone here is looking for our own things only. She will wait for some time and may move up with her own way. As long as you are not a part to know more about her now, you need not to worry and go ahead for your marriage matters.
Thank-s
1 person likes this
@thanks1961 (7035)
• India
7 Dec 10
Hi dear,
Fine, I have not seen it, but I will do.
Regards,
Thank-s
@thanks1961 (7035)
• India
7 Dec 10
Hi dear,
I have not referred what Sid talked about. But referring to your comments, I feel that you have still time to fight for your rights. After all, it is your life. Mind it. A worry for a life time. This would be the net result. If an arranged marriage proposal is in cards, you can block it for the time being. You are telling that you had not seen her so far. So, you have enough time to block it for the time being.
I am not sure about the family backgrounds. If you are a promotive thinker and having life vision in your mind, go ahead. If you can possible, meet her once and find what is in her mind and analyse the facts. It is not the time to waste the time. Move more productive and get into a conclusion so fast.
In this matter, you are the back bone and your decisions have its own importance. Sentiments and worries are there on the one part and if you put more weight on these things, you yourself is spoiling your better future happy life. Ok, you will get another girl, and there is no doubt. But you need to decided whether you can be happy with her and can forget about the past. If you can succeed in such a way, just forget all and go ahead with the new things.
We can simply suggest certain alternative options but you need to wake up and act. Chances are there but suitable ones are come very rarely and utilize them properly is the need of the time. We all can advise and recommend differently. While taking a decision, you also have to undergo mental troubles and problems when it connected with marriage and families.
As you already mentioned, our Indian family conditions are so terrible and in many states such things are very common. You also know that in Delhi area, such brutal incidents are happening these days severely. Respect your family faith and belief also. But whoever is the concerned people, try to convince them with actual facts. The elders never will come in line with us leaving their conventional beliefs. But take them in your hand and act wisely. As you are alone and the entire time on the other side, it is difficult to manage, I know it.
As a remedy to all, the immediate thing that you need to do is – meet the girl fist and read her mind. If there are a lot of oppose against your views, adviser her to accept the new changes in life and go for a better option, whichever is acceptable. But just spoiling the future and life is absolutely childish and ask her to think.
Think, I had a young girl in my mind when I was in my 6th standard. I just loved, liked, placed in my mind for ever. Even after 35 years also, still she is in my mind and never forget her ever till I die. I loved her so much but the life in those days were different, so that I could not go ahead. But even now, I wish to meet her once – and just once for ever to meet and see. It is my ambition.
So, life will go on if we get married, or not or go for with someone else or whatever. But in life, we will get such golden experience that may cause sometime too much sweet or some time such a bitter experience as well. Now all are in your hands and it all depend on how you think.
All the best and best wishes.
Regards,
Thank-s
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
30 Nov 10
Both families took the decision based on astrological reasons and you abided by it.Now ,Shibham--you are young and you need to be very clear on this subject.
You had both decided to abide by the elders' decision and stayed away . From her mother revealing this to you , my guess is that they have not yet found a groom who is suitable[finacially, in every way, whom the elders also liked].THe mother thinks that the girl stands a chance with you and that if you have a change of mind you will approach your parents and talk to them.You cannnot and must not be manipulated like thAT.They are looking at their advantage now. WHy did the girl not put up a hard fight at that point of time? And why did her parents not pursue the matter then?
I see no point in the mother telling a youngster all this now. THe chapter is closed. You say you had forgotten the girl and now you are in the process of another relationship fructifying. If you are happy with the current scenario, go ahead with the current one and do not be ridden by guilt because they have discarded many grooms. How do you know that a few grooms have not discarded the girl?
Rest assured it is no fault of yours and you stop being softhearted like this[I got additional inputs form a very clear thinking man and am writing this]
I am writing this from our 'arranged marriages based on horoscope ' system in India.Our western friends would have another aspect to consider but yours is similar to what happens in our communities.
@shibham (16977)
• India
5 Dec 10
Hi kalav...
You are right. Her father was adamant when both of us took the decision but as the time passed by.. she also became strict to her decision as she has declared that she will be unmarried except me. It made her father to become cool and forced to come out from his orthodoxy decision. Her mom told me that her father is now ready for this relationship... but it's quite impossible now as i am in search of a second relationship.
It may be true that she is also rejected by some grooms ( condition accepted) and perhaps her mother is expecting more from me and thinking that none can be the best groom unless me. This realization makes her to confront the chapter again.
Have a nice day and many many thanks for your advice.
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
1 Dec 10
HI Shibham,
It is NOT your fault. It really is the blame of the families that would not allow you two to be together. Maybe because of your different personalities you were able to find peace and put it behind you while she never got closure. I think one thing that would help her would be for you to talk to her. Tell her that you have moved on and found a new love. Tell her that she should do the same. I would think that once she realizes that you have moved on then she will too. She has probably been imagining you dreaming and pining for her just as you have her.
1 person likes this
@shibham (16977)
• India
8 Dec 10
Hi sid...
I never blame her family rather i respect them. I have the complete honor towards them . It's their wish what they thought and decided at that time. I like to say her why she did not raise her voice at that time. Perhaps i would be able to take a positive step.
Yeah, now i have moved.
have a nice day and sorry for be lated response.
@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
30 Nov 10
You are not responsible for her turning down her suitors. You both decided not to continue the relationship and broke off contact. Her refusals are her responsibility, not yours.
Do you love her? If you do I think you should marry her. It might be embarrassing to break off your engagement with the other woman but it's never too late to change your mind until you're actually married. Do you want to live in an arranged marriage or one in which you are in love and emotionally nourished?
Ask yourself some hard questions. Think of the kind of life you want, the kind you will have on each path you choose and then do what is best for you. You're the one who will have to live with it.
1 person likes this
@shibham (16977)
• India
6 Dec 10
Hi dragon...
Thanks that you have pointed the right one here. I still think why she did not take any step at that moment when the question raised?
Hmmm... Hard to answer but i think perhaps not. Although i have mentioned that i am engaged.. it's not so. Actually, my parents selected a bride for me but i have not met her still date but seen her photo and known the details about her. It's my decision what to get married or not?
Anyway have a nice day and sorry for being late here.
@shia88 (4571)
• Malaysia
30 Nov 10
Hi,
From your story, I should assume this girl loves you very much
and she has insisted not to get married except with you only.
In this situation, you should ask yourself whether do you
still love her? DOes she still occupied in your heart since you have
another girl in your arm now?
You have to tell the truth,then only you will know what is the best
step to take.
Because currently you are in relationship with another girl and for sure,
you don't want to hurt her,but probably at the same time ,you pity your
ex-girdfriend after knowing about her situation from her mother.
As a man, you must have a strong determination and get the best for your future.
1 person likes this
@shibham (16977)
• India
6 Dec 10
Hi shia...
For your kind information... there is no girl in my arm still date. My parents have selected my bride and i have seen her photo. She is beautiful and i have found some details of her. This girl with whom i about to get marry but sure i have not met her till date. Have a nice day and sorry for be lated comment.
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
30 Nov 10
Hmmnn..I can tell from your story that you are not really into that girl coz if you do, you would still be in love with her. But then you have not communicated with her and as you say, you are with a current relationship. I don't think it's your fault if she wishes to stay unmarried and wait for you. But it would be really nice to talk to her and tell her not to expect more from you if you feel nothing for her anymore. Rather than keeping silent and letting her continue to hope that there is still a possibility or a chance for you to be together again.
@shibham (16977)
• India
6 Dec 10
Hi friend...
Oh.. i can't tell it to her again. It happened when we were in love and both decided to sacrifice our love for the sake of each family. so i moved and asked my parents to select their daughter in law according to their choice. I have no complain. If i tell her that she is waiting me in vain then perhaps she will hurt again... I can't hurt her anymore. please.
Have a nice day and sorry for being late here.
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
6 Dec 10
Have you realized that by not telling her the truth and putting her in the current situation is also hurting her? It is better to tell her and hurt now than continue hurting her with your silence. Think about it. Which one would you prefer. The longer you put it on hold, the longer her agony will be. Unless of course their is still some part of you that still loves her and willing to fight for it now.
@craigy123456789 (1759)
•
30 Nov 10
It is not really your fault. Both sets of families caused this, it is a shame that you get close and then are told that you cannot be together. I don't know how different cultures work and i do respect peoples beliefs and religion but i am so happy that when i get married it is my choice, not my familys, i like that i do not have to have my bride chosen for me and that i can be with someone i love and want. It seemed that you also found this only for the families to intervene, now where a chance may be there for you to be with who you wanted could possibly come it seems it is too late as you could be with another. But is this person or the other one the one for you? Don't have any regrets, the other has turned down many just because of how she feels for you, that is love and commitment for you, if you feel the same way that that is who you should be with. Follow your heart and do the right thing for you.
1 person likes this
@chuyins123 (2112)
• Philippines
30 Nov 10
No need to feel guilty my friend. If you don't really feel anything for the girl during these times, then you should go on with your current relationship, you did not tell her to wait for her, it was her choice, but if you want to help her get over you, you could be cruelly honest to her, and tell her straightly, "I really, don't love you anymore. It has all been gone, and now I have a relationship with other girl." And tell her, "don't wait for me any longer, I wouldn't be coming back again for you. Move on, get back to life, and love!" Maybe that would make her realize, that she's waiting in vain, and it would at least give you a peace of mind. God bless you brother! Have a happy life! It's a choice! :D
@shibham (16977)
• India
5 Dec 10
Hi chuyins...
Thanks for your suggestion. Although i am not in a relationship with her now, yet i have a little feelings on my heart... i just feel but can't tell anymore why?.. may be the cause that i truly loved her and needed her... Again, i am not in a relationship but sure i have found my life partner... choice from my parents... i have not yet met her.
I think it will be too hard to open my mouth with those sentences. Seriously, i can't.
Anyway, have a nice day.
@stacey17x (1)
• Canada
30 Nov 10
Hey Shibham
Take your time, don`t rush a decision and above all, do what is right for you. Everyone must make their own decisions and when it comes to love, don`t take others opinions because they don`t know how you truly feel. Only you know what you want, and if you know that you want something don`t let anything stand in your way. Don`t think of her or anyone else, just close your eyes and what do you see .. You`ll find you`re answers are there. Good luck! xo
1 person likes this
@intelpink (163)
• Philippines
6 Dec 10
It's simple, if you don't love her, then tell her to stop and find another who will return her love back to her.
@babyEj (1522)
• Philippines
4 Dec 10
Oh my! it really happens . Even my younger brother who's not handsome has avid fans these days.lol Just don't get hurt them , you may avoid them to somehow let them know that there's no hope between you.
@sweetloveforeve (13120)
• Portugal
30 Nov 10
maybe she still thinks that you love her also. so you should tell her that you dont love her anymore. that now you love other girl and be honest. that way she can move on with her life. she was waiting you bcs she thought you loved her too maybe like before. you must talk with her and tell your feelings now. if she knows you dont love her anymore she will move on soon ^^
@shibham (16977)
• India
8 Dec 10
Hi sweet.
may be but i should inform beforehand? so that i can take some decisions or can struggle with those obstacles to make both of our lives happy. right? she just left me foe her family. I never blame her but always wish her happiness where she lives or will live in future.
have a nice day and sorry for be lated response.
@starlight_starbright (810)
• Philippines
2 Dec 10
There is no fault in your part. If you have not thought about her in the past year, perhaps you have totally gone over her. Being in a relationship is an evidence that you have moved on. If she stays unmarried, it is her choice and not yours. Here, if you are bothered by the thought that she'll stay unmarried for not having you, do you wish to marry her and be with her all your life? If so, then don't hesitate to propose to her but be sure to "clean-up" your mess first. On the other hand, if you think she's no longer the woman you dream about of marrying and spending your whole life with, then you must let her know about that. Pity has no room in this situation. It is your future, yours and hers that are at stake! Think it over pal. I think you better have a good talk with her. It's been so long. You'll never know if you won't try. Good luck!
@shibham (16977)
• India
8 Dec 10
Hi friend...
No, it will be too hard to get attached with her again. I am still hanging on her decision. Which girl can be silent for years then this silence may run for another years again...who can tell the right?
Have a nice day and sure i am thinking about the right one and obviously i am highly benefited by all of your suggestions. I have met the perfect circle here. Sorry for being late here.
@nikramos (698)
• Philippines
1 Dec 10
if you love your current girlfriend and you said you have forgotten about the feeling of being in love with your ex, then i dont think there is a reason for you to be affected this way. you are way too confused that you even asked the community in mylot what to do.
i think you need to sort things out on your own.
i dont know but looking back at the reasons as to why you and the ex didnt work things out with each other doesnt sound like a good idea i know but its one way of figuring out for yourself if you love her or your girlfriend now.
the thought of her being unmarried shouldnt bother you, thats her choice, thats what fate brought her, thats what she chose to act on.
wouldnt it be better if you rather feel sorry for your girlfriend that without her knowledge, you are so concerned for your ex.
i dont mean to give a wrong impression here but thinking about me being in this situation, i wouldnt feel this way for my ex being unmarried.
@shibham (16977)
• India
8 Dec 10
Yes friend. I have been already helped many times by mylot community so i am really dependable to my friends. Where as i am really confused and have gotten some nice advices already including you.
i am really influenced. thanks for it and have a nice day and sorry for be lated comment.
@callofwind2010 (70)
• China
19 Dec 10
well,that is really complicated. and if I were you, i also didnot how to do that. And i am not you, so i think you should have a talk to here. If you really love her from your heart, then get her hands and tie the knot. please donot consider others` thoughts too much. But that is not to say you should ignore your family`s ideas. A deep communication is a must. you guys should be congraduated by them.
@shibham (16977)
• India
19 Dec 10
Hi friend...
Actually there is less chance to merry her and talk to her. I think i should give a speech to her elder sister which is my friend. And as she is intelligent, she will understand and would not force me for her sister's favor. I do believe just. Have a nice day.
