When do you just give up and let go.....
By mommyboo
@mommyboo (13174)
United States
December 1, 2010 8:27am CST
I need some advice about my friends, and since some of you are my friends, maybe you'll be able to help. Lately I have been feeling like all I'm doing is beating my head against a brick wall, and pretty soon I fear - that behavior is going to cause unnecessary blood loss, as well as a nasty migraine.
Anyway, I try to be a good friend, to listen and be a shoulder - but also to try and offer help I feel prepared or able to give. It seems that more often than not this year, friends ASK for the help and then rebuff me, turn me down, or get angry when it's offered. I don't understand. If you ASK for my input or advice, what right do you have to then tell me you don't want it, or try and act like I'm talking out my @ss? I guess this is sort of a vent as well, because I do indeed know what I'm talking about.
To all the people who think I've never been lonely, miserable, sad, depressed, SINGLE, that I've never dealt with geographic distance, lack of money, my dreams being ripped apart - hello, I have taken a turn in all of those boats. When I offer advice, it's solid advice - FROM LIVING THRU IT.
I have never given the advice I do in order to 'sugarcoat' anything. I don't tell you what I would do in a situation to make you laugh about it or to shock you - I tell you because it WORKED and you're asking for something that might WORK. If I've been there, maybe I'll relate how I felt at the time, or what I did to deal with things. Just because I'm not there NOW doesn't mean I don't REMEMBER. For all we know, tomorrow I might be homeless and freezing in a cardboard box - well, we all hope not but the point is - don't think anybody is invincible and you always have it worse.
I want to enjoy the holidays and just plain enjoy life. I want to encourage everybody I know to do the same and not be so down and out - because you know what? I can't HELP but try and get others to be positive! I think maybe that's just something rotten about me, I'll never stop doing that - but... when is it time to try and give up? I feel like I don't do any good even though my intentions are good. It is so frustrating when someone takes MY advice from another source, after I've turned almost blue in the face from dozens of times of telling someone they are good enough, or to just be patient, or whatever it is I said.
What do you think I should do? It's very hard for me to turn away and not offer any advice when someone looks my way, but I'm tired of getting disregarded when I offer it.
7 people like this
17 responses
@jalucia (1431)
• United States
1 Dec 10
I'm not sure if you are talking about one person, or mostly everybody in your life. First of all, I know the feeling when you give someone advice and they act like it's not good enough for them. Then, they turn around and take your advice, but give you no credit for it. Maybe they say that they can't remember who gave them the advice, or they take the credit themselves or give the credit to someone else. And, it's not really about getting credit. But, it's about acknowledging how someone has helped you. I have a friend who is good for this. She makes me feel like she doesn't value my contribution, when she is need. She tells me all of her problems and a lot of times, even if she takes my advice, when I first present it to her she responds with "No" - "No, that won't work" "No, I don't want to do that" "No, because ....". I'm like what is the point. But, I actually don't get too offended by it because I know that if she wants to solve some of her many problems, she can. It's more about her, than me. And, I know that in the end she will be just as alright as the rest of us. Sometimes, like they say, I think that she just wants an ear to listen to her problems - she doesn't really want to solve them, even though she asks me to help her do so. When she is ready for a solution, she'll find one.
2 people like this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
1 Dec 10
You may be right. It's hard to NOT offer advice when you KNOW the advice you are giving WORKED for you. It's like she has the SAME questions and the SAME 'what ifs', you know? So I tell her exactly what I would do because she ASKS me WHY I'm not struggling with it any more!
As far as my other friend, I don't know what is up with him. It's almost like he believes I was never single or something, which would be a laughable assumption. I HAVE been, everybody HAS been. It's just.. I'm not any more so I suppose he's thinking I can no longer relate because I'm married? That's bogus, it's not like my memories disappeared or my mind was wiped.
1 person likes this
@jalucia (1431)
• United States
1 Dec 10
I totally get you. The friend, that I mentioned, often seems to think that her problems are different from mine. Even if I've been through the same thing as her, somehow her situation is way different. I think that this is a way for her to keep her pain and suffering unique. So, she can own and hold onto it. Some people don't want to believe that they are going through what everyone is/has gone through. This doesn't help their pity party. On the other hand, everyone experiences troubling times in their own way. The problem arises when they aren't looking for a solution, they just want to keep complaining about it. If I were you I would just accept my friends for who they are and let them find their own way. Sounds harsh, but this is just what some people need.
2 people like this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
3 Dec 10
I think maybe I just get frustrated when things come to a head - I'm getting yelled at because my friend thinks I'm unsympathetic or something. I tend to try and look at things in a positive light because I've learned that even if things are BAD, many times, HOW bad is determined by your attitude and how you look at things. Sometimes I just have to let them rail and vent at me, and keep quiet, and later they let me know they are sorry for blowing up lol.
The pity party thing stumps me. I don't know why anybody would want to have DIFFERENT problems and KEEP them instead of dealing with them. I like to get to the root of problems and fix them so they don't reoccur, I guess some people don't work that way.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
1 Dec 10
It is easier to give advice than to take it.
Some people really just want to be listened to, some want to be told what they want to hear, a few actually do want advice. That doesn't mean that they are obligated to take it though.
Some things are really obvious (except possibly to the person in the situation), such as "he's beating you, you need to leave." Other things, aren't so clear cut. What was right for you in the very same situation may not be right for your friend.
But at least they like and respect you enough to come and ask.
2 people like this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
4 Dec 10
Thanks, Dawn. I'm not feeling the way I was when I wrote this any more, obviously lol. One person apologized for blowing up, the other one is actually 'trying' to take the advice because she has 3 times regretted not lol.
I know I shouldn't take it seriously, bottom line, I try to be a good friend and focus on at least not being part of the PROBLEM, but sometimes it's so hard to not say anything.
@34momma (13882)
• United States
1 Dec 10
I have found that most people ask for your advice because secretly that are hopping you are going to say what they are arleady thinking. and when your advice is not what they already want to do they get angry or upset.
Those people who are honestly seeking help take your advice rather they use it or not and embrace it and you for giving it. Here is something I have learned when it comes to people and how they act or over react in any giving situation.
That says more about who they are as a person then it will ever be about who you are. So I have learned not to take any of it personal. taking it personal means it's about you, and 99.9% of the time its so not.
So if they ask for it give it, if they don't like it then that's on them!
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
3 Dec 10
Sometimes I am tempted to say that I don't want to help even if they are asking, because it's been my experience that they ASK and then turn down the advice. I don't want to bother helping them come up with a solution if it's going to be disregarded because they'd rather have a pity party, know what I mean? It's not worth my time or concern then.
@davebrown64 (443)
• United States
1 Dec 10
Wow! What a post/discussion you have provided here. I am so glad that you have the guts to do so. I am one person who found it very easy to make friends both in person and on-line. I am college educated and learned a great deal as well from my parents when it came to having good judgment when choosing friends. What gets my goat is what you are actually talking about here. I offer advice when it is requested and then when I give it, it appears that some of my friends seek a "second opinion" as if I am a doctor. That is their prerogative and I would not fight with them about it, but when they get that second opinion and it appears to be wrong, they usually would come back on me and blame me for it. That really sucks and causes a sense of depression.
The other thing is this: when a friend asks for advice or an opinion and you give it, you will sometimes find that the friend has already sought out the advice from another friend or acquaintance and go with what they said and not you. Then, I ask this question of my friend: "Why ask me, if you had no intention of taking my advice or ask me for my opinion?"
Here is the worst part of it. My best friend always asks me for help and I would usually be the first to say, "No problem, I will come right over or I will get the information that you need." When the help has been given and I have gone out of my way to give the help, I am usually the first to be left out of the fun things that we usually or used to do. This is because I am not as in a good financial position as he is, so, he, I am sure is using this as an excuse but does not want to hurt my feelings. We have actually confronted each other about our feelings and for now, it may be helping as this person is like a brother to me.
What I do is try to better myself and to make my life more meaningful and not offer as much advice to my friends as I know it is either not going to be heeded. I also try not to jump every time my friends need my help because I do not want to give the wrong advice or to do something that might be detrimental to my health and well-being.
I am like you as I try to encourage and help others stay positive. But, most of the time it comes back to haunt me and throws me into a mood of depression and I hate the feeling.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Dec 10
hi mommyboo I also have been in that situation. Ihad ond friend here who was always asking for my advice so I would try to be as supportive as possible and make suggestins that had worked for me.She would always go oh Icould not do that, I love him, and I am going my god he hit you and hit you , what is there to love? She would keep going I cannot leave him I love hime so o o much. I got up and left her then called the police gave them the address of her and her wife bashing hubby as now they can arrest the abuser without the battered wife signing a complaint. Here on my lot I have seen newcomers losing discussions and I respond asking them to read the guidelines so as to learn how to avoid having discussions deleted and been told I think I am the mylot police.okay now I have learned you will have to get on your knees and beg me for help gefore I offer any suggestions. tired of it and tired of losing earnings when I tried to help sonmeone who is too damned arrogant to just read the information.I think sometimes we have to bite our tongue, step back and realize some do not want our help , just want someone's shoulder to cry on. so let people get their discussions deleted, what does it matter to me as I will save my earnings and not get insulted for wanting to help.
2 people like this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
3 Dec 10
I don't generally report or tell anybody what they shouldn't do here, as I figure people who come here will either read the fine print or they won't. If someone posts a discussion ASKING about specifics, I might weigh in but I never just browse thru a discussion and warn someone about something they are doing. That has never ended well for me, and I also don't like seeing people who rate others down for grammar or punctuation lol. I have on occasion made jokes about people who don't know the difference between you're and your, but only because it changes EVERYTHING about a sentence when they are transposed.
As far as situations in real life though - since I dealt with abuse before, I get REALLY bent when I see or hear about someone being abused, verbal as well as physical. I think verbal and emotional blackmail is worse than physical actually because the scars that are left from non-physical abuse are not visible to the eye, and people think you are okay - when you're NOT. It's also a control thing.... a way to hold on to the victim and prevent them from moving on with their life.
@frontvisions101 (16043)
• Philippines
2 Dec 10
Well, what i do is i don't give advice that quick. I only give serious advice when i know the person really needs it. That way, they know they asked so they won't reject it.
@totallyundecided (3190)
• Philippines
1 Dec 10
Hello, Mommyboo.
You know what? I have been also in the same boat as you.
One of the reasons why these these "friends" of ours asked for out advice because they need to hear. And you are right, not to sugarcoat or spoon fed them solutions.
We might not tell them answers because it will always be up to them (choices/decisions) but we can always tell them how it feels like because we've been there and when we were at the peak of our problems, I know it's the worst we felt at that moment and we can always get through.
And if ever they continue doing like that, then it's their problem already. All I know is that you never lacked anything. From being a good friend to giving the advices they NEED to hear. It's their attitude towards what you can offer is the problem.
Let them be anyway. As long as you know in your heart that you didn't do anything wrong, they we're not the ones who'll suffer sleepless nights because we have good conscience, we have a good heart and we know we're being the best of friend we can be to them.
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
1 Dec 10
There are times when I draw back and state that I don't want to say anything because it won't matter or make a difference - but sometimes then my friends rag me for not giving the advice lol. Plus I always think about what I do DOES matter - if it matters to me then it matters. I don't do things for approval or for expectation, I do them because I want to. I DO always let them know that whatever they decide to do should come of their own volition, it shouldn't have anything to do with me, what I say, what anybody else says.
Usually when I offer my thoughts is to show people there is always a way out. What I hope they gather from what I share is that there's a light at the end of the tunnel - and it's not a semi coming to flatten you. Of course, I have no control over how people take what I say, so maybe that's where I have to steel myself and ignore what comes. My intentions are good, I have no ulterior motives and I never intend to hurt anybody with my suggestions.
1 person likes this
@derek_a (10874)
•
1 Dec 10
Because I am a therapist, a lot of friends tend to ask me for advice from time to time. The way I give advice is by sharing my experience of a particular subject with them and how it may or may not have worked out for me. If they ask me outrightly what they should do, I simply tell them not to take my advice, but to think about it for themselves and then come to thier own opinion. I cannot guarantee it would work for them because so many factors come into it like their life situation, their character/mood and many other things.
Therefore I am of the opinion that giving advice is not a good thing if we want to stay friends and not have it thrown back in our face, but we can share any experiences that we have relating to the subject is all we can do. If we don't have any experience with it, we cannot share, we can only listen sympathetically with the other person.
Also as a therapist, with clients I say more or less the same thing - "don't take advice" but to go home and focus their mind on their breathing in meditation and repeating the question in their mind for half-an-hour, twice a day, and to do nothing, until they find their own answers. We all know within ourselves what is wanted and needed in our lives, but many of us do not want to hear the truth about it because it is too uncomfortable.
So I can say to you, don't take my advice about giving advice right now, but look within yourself and see what you can do for yourself. What is best for you, not what I think or what others think, but what you know to be best for your own situation with your family and friends. 
_Derek
_Derek2 people like this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
1 Dec 10
Hi Derek
What you describe in your first paragraph is basically what I do. My questions most of the time relate to 'how do you feel' and 'what do you think', and then I offer my own experiences with a similar situation from my own life. I'm not sure if people really believe that because I am not going through whatever it is RIGHT THIS MINUTE, I don't know what I'm talking about, but I think that's why I've been stumped lately with the attitude. It doesn't matter how long it's been since I experienced whatever my friend is experiencing, the fact is that I DID, and it affected me and left me with an experience I figured I could share to make their load easier. I can never guarantee what I did will work for them, but I offer it as a solution just in case they can take SOMETHING of value from it.
I also know that when I have withdrawn from people, in order to protect myself, it makes them think they have offended me or that I am angry with them, and then I find it even harder to withdraw because I have to reassure that it's ME, not THEM. I'm sure you realize what an impossible thought that is to convey.
What you describe in your first paragraph is basically what I do. My questions most of the time relate to 'how do you feel' and 'what do you think', and then I offer my own experiences with a similar situation from my own life. I'm not sure if people really believe that because I am not going through whatever it is RIGHT THIS MINUTE, I don't know what I'm talking about, but I think that's why I've been stumped lately with the attitude. It doesn't matter how long it's been since I experienced whatever my friend is experiencing, the fact is that I DID, and it affected me and left me with an experience I figured I could share to make their load easier. I can never guarantee what I did will work for them, but I offer it as a solution just in case they can take SOMETHING of value from it.
I also know that when I have withdrawn from people, in order to protect myself, it makes them think they have offended me or that I am angry with them, and then I find it even harder to withdraw because I have to reassure that it's ME, not THEM. I'm sure you realize what an impossible thought that is to convey.1 person likes this
@mands61123 (2098)
•
2 Dec 10
Sometimes people like to tell you their issues just to whinge about them and be all woe me and the good advice and solutions fall on deaf ears cos they don't actually want to fix anything they want to sit and cry about them and have lots of sympathy and the world be all about them and their woes FACEPALM!
Sometimes it's easier on everyone if you just stop them right as they start the conversation and tell them that your all out of advise and that they are just going to have to figure it out on their own like you did. That you'd love to help but you are sick of wasting you time energy and breath.
If this person/people are supposed to be your friends you should be able to tell them in some way shape or form that they are being rude a-holes and that if they didn't want your advice why come to you about it in the first place? and how rude of them to whinge to you and then snub you when you tell them something they don't want to hear! Tough cookies i'm afraid the truth hurts so either get over it or shut it those are the rules. If you have to listen to the whinging they have to listen to your advice take it or leave it those are the (friend) rules give and take end of! If all else fails FACEPALM! it'll make you feel much better ;)
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
8 Dec 10
Rude-a-holes! Ok oops, I misread that but it sure did make me laugh lol! I'm trying to say ONE thing and then just listen after. I figure I can dispense my advice to myself later.
No kidding... sometimes I really want a benefit from listening, but sometimes there isn't one! I know how rotten that sounds but I am realizing that more than not how unbalanced at least one of these things is.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
10 Dec 10
Thanks Manda....
it's hard for me with this particular one. I don't want to be a bad friend, but many times I feel like I invest a lot more than I get back. I might actually want to chat with you about this sometime, it isn't someone you know but this friend has a habit of getting to know friends of mine and then acting like she has known them forever - when she hasn't. That annoys me too.... lol.
1 person likes this
@mands61123 (2098)
•
10 Dec 10
at the end of the day hun your time is precious and this "friend" using the term loosley should appreciate you listening and giving advice if they don't want it they shouldn't moan about their issues and if they don't want to listen they shouldn't expect you too. Sometimes it's time to re-evaluate and make sure that the friendship is worth the time invested what do they actually do for you? what do you actually get out of it? is it worth the effort you put in? had to do some evaluating myself and unfortunately realised quite a few of my so called friendships were very one sided with me investing alot and benefitting very little so I culled and I feel alot better for it. Good luck x
1 person likes this
@mysticmaggie (2498)
• United States
2 Dec 10
I used to be the person everyone brought their problems to and when I gave my opinion, or suggestions, the result was often what you go through. Most of the time when people lay their problems on your shoulders, I think it is more to lay it out for themselves. They see the whole thing more clearly once they've told someone about it. They seldom, if ever, want actual advice.
I got to the point, I would listen and then ask, "What do YOU think you should do?" After awhile, people either discovered their own solutions, or stopped bothering me. I wasn't sad to see them go.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
10 Dec 10
You know what... you're right. I even use that occasionally - if I have a chance to lay out my problem on the table so I can perhaps look at it from a different angle, I will. Sometimes I wish I was more apathetic and didn't always see problems as challenges to fix. I think I am more like a guy that way - guys just want to fix everything. Sometimes that isn't the answer.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Dec 10
That really is a difficult situation to be in because of the fact that you have a hard time telling someone that you aren't able to tell someone anything at all when they turn to you. However, I also know from my own experience how much it hurts when you are asked advice and no one wants to listen to what you are saying. My question always comes down to wondering if people asked us our opinion just so they could see our lips flap together.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
9 Dec 10
People come to expect certain things and if I said I wouldn't help, I think they would be shocked. Of course, perhaps that's the key, if I say I won't help, maybe they'll promise to listen lol. What's funniest is when they come to you and already know what you are going to say - and they STILL can't manage to take the advice. You know each other WELL ENOUGH to know you both have good intentions.
@sender621 (14894)
• United States
2 Dec 10
We should never give up on anyone or any situation as long as there is hope to overcome. Giving up and letting go is saying there is no hope. if we come to that point of hopelessness in our lives, it is hard to pick up the pieces and carry on.1 person likes this
@momof3kids (1894)
• Singapore
2 Dec 10
Usually when I choose to answer, I will read if somebody have written what I am going to write. But I am short of time today and your post is too enticing for me to let go.
Why dun you make a t shirt that goes 'if you ask for my advice, it will not be what you want to hear!!'
Some people are strange that way. They have already formed an opinion and they want you to champion that. Maybe next time you should ask them what they want to hear, something that agrees with them or your opinion.
1 person likes this
@majody83 (46)
• Philippines
1 Dec 10
hi friend,dont get mad when they refuse your advice,it doesnt man that we advice them they should do it,their still choice if they will follow you.let not just expect that they will take so that you will never felt that way.you just go into flow.cheer up just ignore them
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
4 Dec 10
I try not to give unsolicited advice. However, whenever my opinion is requested, I tell them once what I believe to be the best way to handle the matter, then, forever hold my peace. You can't run another's life for him. If he does not take your advice, he is the one who must bear the consequences.
@draniembohol (55)
• Philippines
10 Dec 10
well mommyboo, i guess you have to go on. "no retreat no surrender" keep up the good deeds you have started. as the saying goes... "what you sow is what you reap" this is the prize of doing good. but somewhere out there, there is someone, supreme being, who sees our doing and our motives. you have done your part in giving advices all you have to do is seat back and relax and enjoy life. don't be sorry if you are rejected, who knows they will just wake up and heed your advice. happy myloting.
@gracielle (346)
• Philippines
4 Dec 10
Give up & let go is not really the answer but rather hold on & pursue... =)
Your a great friend & if some of your friends haven't seen that, then it's not your loss it's theirs. Don't give up because maybe someday someone will be needing your words of advice. Keep it up & always remember, we can't please everyone. If someone regret you, who cares!. As long as you did not do anything bad against them right..
A friend like you is what I've been wanting to have, someone who will advice me on what should I be really doing, not a kind of friend that will only say comfy words but honestly can't help. Keep up the good work.. GOd bless... =)
