Why we advise...and why advice is often hard to receive...
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
United States
December 8, 2010 6:23pm CST
I’ve been giving this a great deal of thought since a friend brought up people becoming upset or hurt by the opinions of others. There is an old saying about opinions that I don’t dare share as it is one of those sayings, but it holds true-everyone has one. Upon much reflection I feel that it is deeper though than this and this is what I would like to discuss in a meaningful way so we can help others and our self not to become so affected by those around us and their words.
When we come across someone speaking of a story, a life, or even something as simple as baking a cake we often times find something in their story that relates to us. In this sometimes what we share is merely what we’ve learned on our own life journey. It is not that we are trying to put another down; we are simply relating something of our human condition. In this we sometimes provide advice that we perhaps wish we had been given or had received during our own time. Even if it is as something as small as asking what temperature to cook a roast.
Sometimes we do not take advice well because we are already insecure at that part of our life. We listen to what others have to say and instead of taking it as sharing we take it as an attack. It is our ego’s way of trying to protect us and yet sometimes that ego reaction is not doing us a great service. It gets in the way of our own growth.
When we begin to recognize this occurrence we can step back away from the situation and reflect upon what is really bothering us. None of us are without this reaction because we are human. However we can all work on being more aware that such things occur and look for other ways to respond, instead of reacting.
[i]
What are your thoughts? Do you have suggestions that help you avoid these types of situations? Are there little mantras you use? Is there a funny joke you tell yourself when you feel yourself becoming sad or angry? How can we avoid coming across as hostile when giving advice?[/i]
Namaste-Anora
4 people like this
12 responses
@savypat (20216)
• United States
9 Dec 10
If what I have to say is going to hurt or cause anger I will often not give any answer. Why endanger a friendship over a subject that has no good reply. Now if I can give advice over something legal or related to another subject that I know well, then that I will do. But even then I will only say what I would do. However emotional subjects I really have no ideas of what to say, after all those involve more than one person and you don't know the whole story ever.
1 person likes this
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
9 Dec 10
Pat-
If someone comes to you asking you for your thoughts do you really stay quiet? I know that I do not if I am asked. If I am asked something I do take for granted that the other person wants me to respond, unless it is prefaced with "Hey, I just want to get this off my chest but I don't really want advice on it ok?" If something is prefaced then yes I listen but say nothing. That is what I see occurring not only online but offline as well. You'll have someone ask for thoughts, and then throw a tantrum because it was not what they wanted to hear. Listening always works both ways. 
Namaste-Anora
Namaste-Anora@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
9 Dec 10
Pat-
That makes a lot of sense and I agree we can only provide our own experiences. I tend to lean toward your way of thinking on the emotional ones yet I find myself involved almost daily with good friends on their personal issues simply because they come to me. I simply say there are no guarantees lol.
Namaste-Anora
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Dec 10
Hi Anora,
I had to read this and think about it and come back later. Why? Because it hit home.
Actually it's not necessarily that the walls go up when I get advice that hits one of my insecurities, it's more about how it's said and who said it. If it's put constructively and if I respect the person it's coming from, they are much less likely to get a defensive reaction.
In dealing with my husband's weirdnesses (because he really gets on my nerves), the nice counselor person was telling me about aikido:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aikido
In which you don't attack and you also don't block an attack, but you redirect the force of the attack. Basically you refuse to engage with the person and you let their energy carry them past you. I think I got off on a tangent here, as I am thinking more of criticism than advice. :D But it can be used to do exactly what you said, stand back, reflect, find other ways to respond...
1 person likes this
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
9 Dec 10
Dawn-
Aikido is a wonderful study if you get the chance to take it up I would highly recommend it. Its methods can most definitely apply to the online world where sometimes people say things that are often not very polite. If we just move out of the way they will fly right past us using their own force. Thank you for bringing this up! I think it's something that all of us who participate on this thread can give serious thought to.
Namaste-Anora
1 person likes this
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
9 Dec 10
My husband has studied, I want to study it.
1 person likes this
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
9 Dec 10
Lakota, I've never felt that way about you. I enjoy your thoughts even if they differ from my own because they give me things to reflect upon in my own life. I've seen quite a few though as of late who seem to become very upset if a difference of opinion occurs. I really feel it comes from a defense to protect ourselves and out of fear.
Namaste-Anora
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
9 Dec 10
I think that presentation can be everything where advice is concerned. I am very careful about giving advice and will often not offer it unless it is requested but...lol..there is always a but where advice is concerned isn't there...kinda like that saying you were talking about...but anyway...if there is advice that I feel like is so important, I am sure to base my delivery on the personality of the person I am giving it too. I also try to put myself in their position...because if I hadn't been it would be almost impossible for me to advise...all I would be doing then would be peeing in the wind so to speak because we really don't know what we would truly do if we were in their shoes...and ask myself..how would I want them to approach me with this kind of advice...how would I react and will my advice be well taken.
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
10 Dec 10
Oh yes..there are those that are just wanting to justify their point. That is the worst scenario where advice is concerned. It's not advice they are looking for then. They are looking for justification. Most of the time they are not expecting someone to not back then up and when they ask..they are surprised and offended by the reaponse.
1 person likes this
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
10 Dec 10
Jen-
I agree that the best chat is always done in kindness. What I keep reminding myself, especially online, is that I am not responsible for how the other person interprets what I say, or how they feel. I try to do everything in love, but there are times that even when something is said in love it is still not the thing the person wanted to hear. I find that sometimes people only want to hear something to justify their point of view, but if it is a point of view that I disagree with or perhaps is just simply ethically or morally wrong I tend to say what I feel from the heart. It is the old catch twenty two unfortunately.
Namaste-Anora
@RachelleNH (1396)
• United States
9 Dec 10
I don't know why some people even both asking for advice when their minds have already been made up..it's like they want that little reassurance or something. I don't always take someone's advice but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me stop and think a little bit. I never attack anyone trying to give constructive criticism-as long as they're not being nasty about it. I usually tell people that ask me for advice that it's their call-not mine...like my daughter 
she comes to me and asks which shirt to wear that day when she's already chosen..why does she do this? When I say red and she says "oh well I wanted to wear the blue" why ask then?
she comes to me and asks which shirt to wear that day when she's already chosen..why does she do this? When I say red and she says "oh well I wanted to wear the blue" why ask then?1 person likes this
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
9 Dec 10
Rachelle-
We go through the same thing with our four year old! As adults you would think we would have gotten a handle on this, but again it is all about communication. I think we just need to be aware that if we share our inner most secrets online for the public we are opening ourselves up, becoming vulnerable and not everyone is going to be as polite or tactful as we might like. We simply need to accept that it was our choice to share, and though I too don't always agree with others I am not going to verbally assault them for giving advice or making a response.
Namaste-Anora
As adults you would think we would have gotten a handle on this, but again it is all about communication. I think we just need to be aware that if we share our inner most secrets online for the public we are opening ourselves up, becoming vulnerable and not everyone is going to be as polite or tactful as we might like. We simply need to accept that it was our choice to share, and though I too don't always agree with others I am not going to verbally assault them for giving advice or making a response.
Namaste-Anora1 person likes this
@RachelleNH (1396)
• United States
9 Dec 10
I guess that's why people who are sensitive shouldn't ask other's advice..don't you agree? I've gotten hurt a few times just asking for friendly advice because I didn't know how to handle a situation. I'm very sensitive and some people are quite nasty. I will never understand why that is..human nature is a strange thing!
1 person likes this
@khanzee (123)
• Pakistan
10 Dec 10
As far as Advise is concerned, this word is grace full, and is fascinating to every body, but whenever we hear some one's advise or we do some mistake in this case some one try to make us understand, we get angry, because we want to be superior, no body can be superior than us, this perception is try to make hart to receive advise from some one.
1 person likes this
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
10 Dec 10
I have to agree we shouldn't feel bad, but if we do at times those feelings can turn into anger for not knowing the answer.
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
9 Dec 10
I believe there are those of us who are here to help others - otherwise what purpose does it ever serve to go through horrible things? The fact of the matter is, we are all human, and as such we all encounter the same types of situations, obstacles, fears, and the like. We don't all react to these things in the same manner, and that is why hearing someone else's experience can help.
I don't know why people take it as judgement, it never is, at least from my perspective. The biggest reason I try to give advice is when someone comes to me and says 'x isn't working. y isn't working. What else can I do?' Obviously NOT x or y again, correct? I know that sounds simplistic but my intent is good.
If I ASK for someone's thoughts, I ask for their thoughts. I don't ask them what *I* should do, rather I ask 'what did you do' or 'what WOULD you do'. In that way, I can listen to their perspective and see if and how much it can help me in my current.. situation. I try to ask people how they feel, what they want, etc - in order to help them come to a conclusion themselves rather than telling anybody what to do. I don't want to do that, I just want to lay out options they may not have thought of or tried before.
1 person likes this
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
9 Dec 10
Mommyboo-
Exactly. We asked for thoughts therefore we cannot be angry when thoughts come in regardless of how they are presented. I admit it's always difficult for us to hear something we don't want to hear but if we asked then we have to accept that it was our choice. I think I can chalk it up to simply being personally accountable for our choices.
Namaste-Anora
@celticeagle (168126)
• Boise, Idaho
9 Dec 10
I think there is a big difference in giving advice from the heart and from a caring place and from a know at all sort of stance. I think there is a big difference in giving advice and reacting to something someone said. Big difference. I think listening to ALL that someone says is important too. And not just jumping on one part of it and reacting to that. I wish I had a funny story.
1 person likes this
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
9 Dec 10
CE-
Agreed! And I think that most of us who write on here really do care about our fellow beings. I think we speak from the heart and personal experiences. I don't think we in any way intentionally try to hurt one another.
Namaste-Anora
@Lore2009 (7378)
• United States
9 Dec 10
I avoid advices because in the end I am the only one to give my answer. I may ask for other's opinion on what they would do in my situation, but I wouldn't ask people what I SHOULD do. In the end, it may not be so different from an advice to an opinion, but if I keep in mind that I will be the last to make the decision anyway, then I don't think I'd get so offended. I would get offended only if the person becomes controlling and judging. I think I also choose wisely who I go to for opinions too, because average people usually just give out facts and not much of their feelings.
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
9 Dec 10
Lore-
I agree that we can never tell someone what "to" do as they have free will. However, even if we ask for thoughts on something, share something that was intimate we cannot realistically be angry at the response we receive. People have a right to their thoughts as well.
Namaste-Anora
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
10 Dec 10
Whenever I am trying to give advice to another person, I will always try to either reread what I've written or really think about what I am going to say before I say it to make sure that what I am writing or saying doesn't come across as hostile. I think that there are a lot of times that people take things the wrong way because though it seems like they want advice from others, they really are just trying to vent out their frustrations.
1 person likes this
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
11 Dec 10
Dorann-
Great advice! I know that if I'm writing something lengthy I will write it in a word program so that I don't accidentally send it until I'm sure it is written appropriately. I think open communication at the start would help though with the issue or knowing if they are just wanting to vent or they truly want advice.
Namaste-Anora
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
9 Dec 10
Hi Anora,
There is a difference in being in someones shoes and being in the shoe. Those who give advice just assume things (on most cases) and that is why it seems easy to give any advise.
Example- If someone approached me and said - I need a job and here are my qualifications - I would try to find him/her the best available option and recommend. But in fact whether this person would be able to handle the job or not is dependent on the person as s/he is the one to execute the work not me. His/her capabilities and other factors would determine what s/he can do.
The situation you are in and how you can cope with it are 100% yours and you need to determine them out. Advice will only help you in looking at the problem from different angles/viewpoints.
Cheers,
theSids.
1 person likes this
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
9 Dec 10
Sids-
Exactly, only we can be responsible and accountable for our choices.
Namaste-Anora
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
9 Dec 10
Having been a single parent for so long and no parents to help with anything, I was one that always welcomed advice. Did not mean I took all of it in, but was always open to other points of views and opinions. This made me think and re-think a great many things about how I should, would and can being doing things in life.
I am still the same, I will definitely be open to listen to all points of views as I do think over and over and LOL maybe a bit too much. But I find that I am in no way a perfect person so to my surprise I have rethought my thoughts and have soaked in what I though was defensive and or senseless advice. I look to look at both sides of a coin, as it really helps make a stronger person in life.
When I do not agree with the advice I normally tell myself, okay we can agree to disagree, and move on, but you betcha I am one would will think about the advice and see if I can find some true changes to my way of thinking.
1 person likes this
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
9 Dec 10
It's so true. We don't have to take all the advice or thoughts shared to heart. We can take what works for us and go from there. No need to be angry because someone has a different way of doing things. That is what makes us unique.
Namaste-Anora
