I don't know how to help my mother...
By rmorefield
@rmorefield (941)
United States
December 12, 2010 11:47pm CST
I don't know what to do. My mother has turned into the most hateful person I have ever seen. The only time she is happy is when she isn't home. As soon as she walks through the door, she starts biting everyone's heads off, and then gets mad at us if we say something to her about it. What can I do to help her? I know that she is tired, but it's not because she can't get any help from Dad or me. When we do try and help, she just gets mad at us and tells us that we are doing whatever it is the wrong way. But we still try. She has gotten to the point that it seems as if she totally hates all of us. Gone is the kind, funny, loving woman who raised me. In her place is a total stranger. I know that she would be happier if my children and I moved out, but right now that is impossible. I am a single mom to four, and a full-time medical student on top of that. I know that my kids stress her out (they stress out everyone but me), but she won't back off and let me handle things. I still take the initiative, because I am their mom, and she is mine. But when I do, I have to listen to her attitude about it. I have actually gotten to the point that I hardly speak to her when she is here. My oldest daughter stays in her room all of the time. My oldest son usually stays in his room. My dad turns up the tv and stares at it for hours. I either keep my nose stuck in a textbook or I am on the computer, when I am not taking care of the two toddlers. And throughout all of this, my mom is storming around the house b&*&^ing to herself becuase we won't listen to her. We've heard all that we want to hear. We've tried to talk to her. When we ask her what's bothering her, she just gets mad and snaps at us that nothing is wrong. When we ask her what it is that we could do to help her, she snaps that she doesn't want us to do a d*&^ thing. So....what am I supposed to do? I know that she is still there somewhere deep inside. I want her back. I'm afraid that if she doesn't calm down, Dad is going to get tired of it, and I really don't think that my children should grow up in this kind of household. I don't want to be here either. I would suggest that she speak with a counselor, but she would probably go through the roof if I did that. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!
1 person likes this
7 responses
@terryt52 (243)
• United States
13 Dec 10
sounds like mom is really stressing out. Having two families living together is stress for all. She probably feels like she has no chance to be a grandmother as her grandchildren are living with her daily and she probably helps with them and is responsible for some of their care beings you are a full time student and have to study. Living with your mother is not good for the children if she is always in a mood. Sounds like she is working and coming home to clean and help with the kids it may be a little to much for her. Why can't you get a place of your own and where is Dad in this picture. If she was not a mean person before I Would bet her mood is stress related. I would try and take some stress off of her by being a little more aware of her stress triggers. Maybe the older kids could help more. Not speaking to her is not respectful. Try and always be kind when she is in a mood. Maybe when you are finished school and she has less stress you will see a different person. Two families living in one household is tough for all.
1 person likes this
@getbiswa2000 (5544)
• India
13 Dec 10
Hello,
yes, you're right. She's facing some stress related problems. She's feeling not only helpless but also lonely and neglected. She needs warm affection and every one in your family should actively contribute to it. Your father has distanced himself with your mother. No matter what the reason is, but it's your mother who is suffering from this. You're a medical student, so you probably already know the changes that a woman goes through at this age. These are mostly physical changes like a change in hormone levels, but what we often ignore is the tremendous mental pressure that accompanies all these changes. She loves your kids and she loves taking care of all of you. But instead of remaining indifferent, you guys should actively participate in soothing her. Talking to a counselor would be better, but sometimes your close ones give you the best counseling. Try searching for a good psychiatrist in your friend's network and then talk to him/her. Ask for advice and also explain the situation in details. Tell your dad if he can give up his indifference and have participation in her treatment. Indifference shown to her may produce the wrong result at this point of time. Instead you use your humor and imagination to please her. Don't get mad and don't argue with her if you sincerely want to help her. It may take significant amount of time, so be patient. Thanks.
God bless you.
1 person likes this
@shia88 (4571)
• Malaysia
13 Dec 10
Firstly what is going on with your mother? Impossible she can get mad
without any reason. Or else, she must have some problem in her mind that
she does not know how to express out.
I don't think she get stress over your 4 kids at home....probably she
herself have her own problem and she just can;t find the right person
to talk to.
How about having a short holiday trip with your whole family? Get this chance
to understand your mother in better way. Probably it will helps
to strengthen your family relationship with each other.
If you do have few siblings,then get them go together..it will be more fun.
1 person likes this
@crimiloilo123 (77)
• Philippines
13 Dec 10
Hi,I believe that our mother is still our mother.I have also quite same case as yours.It is just law of attraction.You have to be balanced in all those situation that your mother is showing to you.Have her invited to talk in the morning,if she will not,saying sorry to her lets her realized that sometimes mothers are having fault too.
@Wjsucsess (45)
• China
13 Dec 10
You`d better take her to the hospital to see a psychiatrist now,what diseases may be a mental.
1 person likes this
@Ann771 (8)
• Czech Republic
13 Dec 10
I'm sorry to hear that. She definitely has some "problem" or something that bothers her. Maybe trying to make something for her? Making to see her that you love her? Do something nice, help, act, don't just ask her. Then try to tell her that you are really worried and that her behavior hurts you-she may listen then. But be nice. Make a change. Think positive :)
@starlight_starbright (810)
• Philippines
13 Dec 10
Hello rmorefield,
Is your mom over 40? If she is, then I might say that she is acting that way because she is undergoing a process wherein there is a hormonal change in her body. She, herself could not understand her reactions. The worse thing is if she herself could not anything about it. She might be in her "pre-menopausal" period. This the period when a woman's reproductive cycle is changing. This anxiety and impatience are just a manifestation of hormonal imbalance. Instead of fighting over things with her, you better make her feel that you understand her. She needs your understanding. She may feel that she is less useful to all of you for her insecurities are eating her up that makes her the most hateful person in the world. I am not an expert on this but I have researched on this. When my mom started her pre-menopausal period, it was a great disaster in our family. She seemed angry to all of us and we could not find anything that we have done right. Until I asked from other women who have gone through this and read a little from magazines and from the net. I talked to my dad and my two siblings. We don't fight back and my dad played the most important role. He showed her more affection and things just became better for all of us. She needs your love and attention rather than hate and condemnation. Good Luck!
